AIBU to not know exactly what I've done wrong?(46 Posts)
I'm confused and could do with some other views on this. My husband came home from work this evening and we sat on the sofa having a general chat about our day, the weekend, just normal stuff. All seemed fine, he seemed fairly relaxed for a Friday night (he works long hours in a stressful job and is frequently very tired at the end of the week). He then took the dog for a walk, I stayed on the sofa watching some telly. When he came back from taking the dog out, he came in the living room and seemed quite upset / annoyed; he began to tell me that I had done something earlier during our chat that had been upsetting to him, apparently I had asked his opinion on something and when he gave me his opinion, I disagreed with it. He can’t remember what it was, but he was pretty annoyed / upset about it, enough to come back and tell me that this was something I’ve done at other points over the seven years we’ve been together and I should consider changing my behaviour and stop doing it. I asked him to please tell me what the conversation had been about because I have absolutely zero idea what he is referring to, we were just having vague chats on the settee and nothing struck me as contentious so this is a bit of a mystery to me. He says he can’t remember so he can’t tell me. I am not sure how I am supposed to have a reasonable and fair discussion with him if I don’t know what we are discussing, but he says the specifics don’t matter, that I’m aware of my behaviours from other times so we can discuss it as an abstract. I explain that there have been times in the past where I do recognise this pattern of interaction between us, but that from my perspective, some of these have been a case of him getting annoyed because he doesn’t like being disagreed with. He says this is trite, and that he feels like I deliberately set him up by asking his opinion on things so that I can tell him that he’s wrong. This all went on for a while; it turned into a bit of a row and he’s gone up to bed. I feel super upset and confused myself now. I can’t understand how we can have a conversation about an incident if he can’t tell me what the incident was, that seems a bit weird to me – like how can I understand what might of happened or put forward my own perspective if I don’t know what happened? He feels that I’m being defensive and trying to avoid the issue by wanting to know what the actual thing was that has upset him. I feel kind of weirdly manipulated, but maybe I am in the wrong here? Do I just need to let him tell me that I upset him and accept that and apologise and promise to try and change my behaviour in future? Not really sure what to think. I am now dreading the weekend. There will probably be silent treatment – I tend to be the ‘let’s sort it out straight away and not go to bed angry’ type and he’s more likely to be pissed off/hurt/upset for a couple of days. Any thoughts would be great, sorry if this is too long – I’ve never posted anything like this before so a bit nervous. Not to give too much history but I come from a difficult family background so have always tended to assume everything bad is my fault, been in therapy for a couple of years now though so am getting better at not doing that (but don’t think I’m always blameless either!). Thanks.
Can’t have been that bad if he can’t remember what you said... sounds like a bit of a head fuck to me.
No idea but DH tells me I do that also. Also a sulky type so I usually end up apologising in order to escape the cold shoulder. Do we have the same hubby?!
Aargh, sorry about the paragraphs, makes it hard to read but I don't think I can edit it now? Never done a long post before!
Does he often pick arguments out of thin air?
He's annoyed because you disagreed- are you supposed to just agree to everything he says then?
Sounds like he's gaslighting you for some bizarre reason. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. It's like he's looking for a fight.
My response would be, that you're not dismissing his concerns but it's not going to be possible to resolve it this time if can't remember what was said. The next time he feels it is happening ask him to tell you straight away so you can discuss it and get to the bottom of it.
I think that's the most charitable I would be prepared to be with my DH if he said this. In all honesty he sounds like an over sensitive idiot - how is he not embarrassed by himself;
"I'm very upset by what you just said"
"oh dear what did I say that upset you?"
"I don't remember....but I know you said something that upset me 7 years ago so this is clearly a pattern"
He probably can remember what it was but knows it sounds ridiculous
You say it's because you disagree with his opinion, he however feels you are setting him up in an argument to purposely disagree (argue?) with him.
It sounds to me that he's just tired and feels you're picking a fight. Only you know whether that is the case, and you're purposely picking topics that you know you'll disagree with him over.
Then again, you should both be able to discuss what has happened with your day and general chit-chat without worrying over whether the other will "kick-off" and tread on eggshells. And then sulking for the weekend is very immature.
Ah that's a difficult one
People do have habits that they're not aware of so you could be doing something - asking him an opinion you'll know what he says so you can tell him why he's wrong.
But it could have just been a general chat, you genuinely wanted his opinion and didn't agree.
What's he actually annoyed with. You bringing up a contentious issue when he's knackered,or you disagreeing with him
What does he want you to do? Not have any opinions that are different to him? Not discuss certain subjects?
I'm quite literal so I'd have to know specifics of what you did that he didn't like and what he wants to change going forward.
Though if he can't even remember, it does come across as him being in a shit mood and wanting to take it out on someone.
I think I'd say let's start again and next time you're annoyed tell me at the time
You’re allowed your opinion
He’s allowed his opinion
Thanks starshollow1 That's a good response, I will try and keep it in mind for next time. To be clear and fair to him, he was saying it had happened at various points over the 7 years, not just once 7 years ago.
My DH has the habit of asking me for opinions on things (especially choosing something) and then over rules me. It pisses me off no end, why ask if you have already decided? But I would know exactly what it was that had pissed me off, so sounds a bit gas lighty to me!
It may be that he went out and mulled over it and blew it out of proportion - but in all honesty, if that was the case, he should have remembered at the very least what the topic of conversation was!
So I think he's picking a fight for no good reason. Maybe someone pissed him off while he was walking the dog and he took it out on you.
If someone upsets me in a conversation, I do NOT forget what was said - I replay it over and over to find out whether I provoked it, whether I'm being oversensitive or whether it's a genuine thing to be upset about.
On the other hand, if he's starting to suffer from short term memory loss, might be worth suggesting a visit to the GP...
Sounds more like he continued the ''discussion'' with himself while out with the dog, over whatever it was that was said.
he should have stayed home and cleared the air with you immediately, rather than be a berk about it all.
Let him sleep it off and start the new day as if nothing had happened.
He sounds like an idiot, he can't remember what upset him specifically this time but this issue has been happening for 7 years. Bollocks
It sounds to me as though he's deliberately trying to wrongfoot you and make you feel as though this is all your fault. The sulking and not speaking to you is symptomatic of a controlling person.
Only you and he know the context of your conversation. If I were you and if it was possible I'd run away from him as fast as I could. 🚩🚩
@trulyconfuseddotcom that's really odd behaviour. You would think he would remember what it was you disagreed on!
Good grief my DP and I disagree on loads of stuff (including brexit!!) but we just have robust discussions and he always thinks his opinion is correct but I just chuckle to myself!!
I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but please don't brood on it and upset your weekend 💐
It is odd, but then I've ended up apologising, jokingly, for dream smoking - apparently I was smoking in one of DH's dream and he said it was stupid how much it upset him even though he knew it was a dream
Is he sure you actually said it - or did he nod off and dream it
Is it possible he was upset about whatever it was, took the dog for a walk because he wanted space and genuinely has forgotten the specifics? It all sounds very random. Putting potential memory problem to one side - you are allowed to disagree with him so have nothing to apologise for really.
@iolaus oh god that really made me laugh! What a good wife you are 😂😂 x
Thanks v much for all the responses, it's helpful to get a range of opinions. I think it just felt particularly confusing because I generally have some awareness if things have gone a bit awry or if I've said something that might have offended but this seemed so completely out of the blue tonight. He seemed pretty definite that he genuinely couldn't remember what the actual thing that upset him was, which makes it difficult to resolve the situation this time. I'll definitely suggest that if (when) it happens again, he addresses it straight away rather than leaving it for a while, hopefully will help.
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