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To feel a bit fucked off

(53 Posts)
mrsblues Fri 22-Mar-19 21:23:32

I have a friend with whom I’ve been friends with since primary school. We’re 35 now so talking almost 30 years.

Anyway, I have two kids aged 6 and 3 and she has an almost 4 year old.

She’s always been someone to cancel plans. Most of our friendship group just roll their eyes and say nothing.

She’s been clear since having her dc that they won’t be having birthday parties for dc and they’ll only be doing classes like learning musical instruments. No dance classes or any kind of normal kid’s classes. We’ve all been a bit hmm but not our monkey not our circus.

Anyway, last Sunday I had a birthday party for my younger dc and had invited some of the nursery class and a few of my friends’ DCs. She said she’d be there with her DC but about an hour before the party texted to say DC had awful D&V and would be spending the afternoon in bed as it was still ongoing.

On the way home from the party I decided to drop a party bag in for her DC to cheer them up.

Surprise surprise no one was in. I’d had my suspicions that she would do this but was quite surprised nonetheless.

I texted her to say that I’d left a party bag over the handle of her door and I was glad that DC’s vomiting bug had gone and she was well enough to make it out.

She texted back quickly to say that “I’m sorry I made up the vomiting bug. I don’t like children’s parties and don’t want to attend with DC.”

I don’t like children’s parties (I don’t know anyone who does!!) but why have kids and not let them do the things that kids love?

I just feel fucked off that she’d lie and also let her dc miss out frequently on just being a kid (there are other things that have happened where the child hasn’t been allowed to go to events..)

jarhead123 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:28:24

YANBU. She sounds a little odd, but I'd just step away

Mmmhmmokdear Fri 22-Mar-19 21:30:55

Such a shame. I hate kid's parties too, but I know my DC have a great time, so I grit my teeth and just do it. Ditto swimming lessons!

e1y1 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:33:57

Well that poor kid is going to be socially awkward in years to come and will always feel an outsider/possibly lonely.

Some people are just absolutely raving nuts 🥜

But not much you can do.

Drogosnextwife Fri 22-Mar-19 21:36:47

I have a friend like this, she cancels absolutely everything or just ignore plans made on the group chat until someone will ask her outright, then she will say maybe and give some sort of half arsed excuse as to why she might not come but will let us know, she never does. She only ever turns up if the meet up has been her idea in the first place hmm

Joebloggswazere Fri 22-Mar-19 21:36:50

I don’t know anyone that likes children’s partys, we all do it though as we don’t want our children to miss out and it’s the nice thing to do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 22-Mar-19 21:38:31

Respond back “I don’t like liars”

StealthPolarBear Fri 22-Mar-19 21:39:36

I don't mind them. When the dc were younger it was a chance to chat and drink coffee with other parents while dc were entertained. Why do people hate them?
She sounds like an utter snob and tbh I couldn't be bothered with her.

Leeds2 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:39:59

At least she was, ultimately, honest with you!

I wouldn't invite her DC next year.

motheroftinydragons Fri 22-Mar-19 21:40:57

Is she ok? When I was suffering with post natal anxiety I struggled to attend things with my (then) baby like parties.

I'm in a similar very long-standing friendship circle and all my friends have older (just by a few years) DC. I must've cancelled on them loads of times. They used to all arrange a weekly meet up where there were about six mums and fifteen kids and I just found it so overwhelming I never went. They all got pretty arsey after a while but I really couldn't help it. They were ok once I got help and explained what was going on.

I did recover and am fine now and do go to stuff (DD is 3 now so we have lots of parties) and I still don't enjoy them - who does? - but am able to put that aside to take her because she loves them. It just wouldn't have been possible for me a few years ago whatever my intentions.

Have any of you asked her what's going on, or checked on her? She could well be struggling massively and not feel able to say especially as her child is older.

Either that or she's just odd and a bit rude. But if generally she's nice and your friend then that'd be out of character?

louielou1980 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:43:19

I think your friendships are much stronger than being annoyed with each other tbh she sounds a tad depressed or just doesn't do big groups of people. I wouldn't get bitchy with her she's a friend after all but you do have the right to tell her your upset and appreciate if she wouldn't do that again and just tell you no you she's not coming but can arrange something together another time

TapasForTwo Fri 22-Mar-19 21:45:18

She is storing up a lot of trouble for herself when her child is older.

Thehop Fri 22-Mar-19 21:46:18

I’d respond with something about her child learning far worse lessons watching her lying than playing at parties but that’s probably not very grown up.

Tavannach Fri 22-Mar-19 21:51:51

Please don't not invite her DD next year. It's not the child that's the problem.

GabsAlot Fri 22-Mar-19 21:52:47

i agree with thehop-so its ok to lie because she doesnt want her child to do these activities

what a weirdo

saoirse31 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:54:43

Maybe she can't afford presents etc

Witchend Fri 22-Mar-19 21:55:53

Is she ok? When I was suffering with post natal anxiety I struggled to attend things with my (then) baby like parties.

That was exactly my thought too.

dreichuplands Fri 22-Mar-19 21:56:53

Everybody hates dc's birthday parties, everyone apart from dcs. That is the point of them.
At least she was honest when caught out OP. It sounds as though she was trying a white lie before.
You may find your parenting styles are just too different to hag out together or you may be able to find things to do together.
Some longer term relationships end because people change and some can adapt.

dreichuplands Fri 22-Mar-19 21:57:43

Ffs hang not hag 😫

LaurieFairyCake Fri 22-Mar-19 21:57:52

She absolutely should have told you at the start she was never going to go because she hated them.

itswinetime Fri 22-Mar-19 21:58:21

You have been friends long enough she should have been honest rsvp no and just said it's not for us! It's rude to say yes be catered for and then not show!

While I see you point you can't change her parenting style unfortunately (all though I agree very unfair on the kids). I'd be pissed of too though and I'd back right off as I don't like liars! But that's just me!

Purpleartichoke Fri 22-Mar-19 22:01:45

Declining birthday parties is odd. Everyone is odd in some way though.

Saying you will attend and letting the host spend money in anticipation of your attendance, all while having no intention of showing up, is extremely rude.

PaquitaVariation Fri 22-Mar-19 22:03:01

I would offer that she can just drop the child off next time, then the child doesn’t miss out. It sounds like there might be some underlying reason why she can’t cope with social events.

ShadowMane Fri 22-Mar-19 22:03:48

they’ll only be doing classes like learning musical instruments. No dance classes or any kind of normal kid’s classes so musical instruments is not normal but dance is?

(sorry, i know thats not the point of the thread, but judgey much)

Notcontent Fri 22-Mar-19 22:04:28

That’s really unfair to her DC. The woman obviously has some issues.

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