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To ask for help on how to get out of this hen do?

(29 Posts)
MrBobLoblaw Fri 22-Mar-19 20:42:33

Ok so I know I'm not really BU but I need a good plan on how to get out of a hen do please!

I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant and already have a toddler DS. The hen do would be when the baby would only be 4months and it would be 3 nights away, abroad. In any other circumstance I would be there with bells on as it'll be my whole group of friends going away and I'm genuinely gutted to miss out.

The problem is, the maid of honour asked for the first deposit (£50+) last week (despite the hen do being a year away) and almost everyone has already paid. I haven't been asked again for the money but I'm sure she's waiting for my amount too.

Tbh I wasn't really expecting to be paying for stuff this soon, but I also appreciate that the MOH would have booked the accommodation with X amount of people in mind, thus everyone expecting to divide the amount between that many too.

Should I take the £50 hit (a lot of money for me!!!) and then everyone else will have to pay a bit extra when it comes to paying the balance, or is there a way I can say I'm not going, not pay and bow out without mentioning that I'm pregnant? I want to wait until the 12wk scan to make sure everything is okay before I tell anyone.

I hope this makes sense and thanks in advance for any advice.

Chloemol Fri 22-Mar-19 21:35:48

Just say that you are sorry but you don’t feel you can go, say something along the lines of the money would pay for your family to go away together or something

mummmy2017 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:38:27

Tell them you are having to change and budget dew to changing curmustances, that you hope since it has s next year, they can find someone to replace you.

jarhead123 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:41:31

I'd probably message the MOH one to one and explain the situation tbh.

amicissimma Fri 22-Mar-19 21:42:25

Just say 'sorry I'm not going to be able to make it'.

Never apologise, never explain.

If you're pressed for an explanation and feel you want to respond, just say it's not something you want to talk about.

Thehop Fri 22-Mar-19 21:43:25

Say you can’t afford it for another month....then announce and bow out?

Creamwhite Fri 22-Mar-19 21:44:35

Yeah just tell the MOH and explain obviously you didn't want to have to tell her as you don't want anyone to know for another 5+ weeks but under the circumstances you felt you needed to explain why and therefore it is very important she keeps it to herself.

Leeds2 Fri 22-Mar-19 21:46:54

Just say that you can't commit at this stage, and will let people know if things change in the future. Then, after your 12 week scan, tell them the truth and confirm that you won't be able to attend.

Tavannach Fri 22-Mar-19 21:47:09

just tell the MOH and explain obviously you didn't want to have to tell her as you don't want anyone to know for another 5+ weeks but under the circumstances you felt you needed to explain why and therefore it is very important she keeps it to herself.


Honeyroar Fri 22-Mar-19 21:49:16

If you’d already agreed to go, and you’d leave them short, I would personally pay the £50 as a contribution towards the hen do from you, but say that something has happened that means you can no longer go. As soon as you can, I’d tell the bride the truth.

TapasForTwo Fri 22-Mar-19 21:49:44

You need to tell them now that you can't make it. It will give the MOH a chance to invite someone else.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 22-Mar-19 21:53:06

Yeah, don't delay telling her any longer, she needs to be able to change the amount that the other people owe or invite someone else.

I'd tell her privately and ask her to keep it to herself, but if you really can't do that, tell her you can't attend and can't explain why right now but apologise, and hope that she takes it well. That ways is somewhat more risky.

Rainbowshine Fri 22-Mar-19 21:54:11

Just say that you can no longer attend and you’d like to give them an early opportunity to get someone else to take the space. You don’t need to over complicate it.

OwlinaTree Fri 22-Mar-19 21:56:03

This person is I assume a close friend if you are going on a 3 day hen do. Just tell her and tell her to keep it to herself, you'll let her know when it's ok to tell others.

LarryGreysonsDoor Fri 22-Mar-19 21:58:35

I agree with others. Tell MOH and ask her to keep it to herself.

MrBobLoblaw Fri 22-Mar-19 22:00:11

Thanks for the feedback so far everyone. I think I'd be happy telling the MOH privately as I trust her not to blab. I could say that, short term, I'm happy to pay the £50 and that if someone else joins then they can pay me back, if no one else wants to join then I guess that's just life and I did agree to the hen do (would word it better). Does that sound fair? I know she was keen to book it soon.

This is a group of my closest friends from uni and my ex-housemates so I don't think 'circumstances have changed' etc would work as they'd all think I'd lost it tbh ha. We're in our 20s and I'm the only one with a child so I think they'd put two and two together straight away!

SpeedyBojangles Fri 22-Mar-19 22:02:43

I'd still go 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry not much help.

Afineexample Fri 22-Mar-19 22:10:46

Tell her as soon as possible, in case other peoples amounts have to be adjusted. As a gesture of goodwill, I would offer to pay the £50 if it meant more people would have to pay more. (but this is not necessary).

If you don't want to explain just say something like "my circumstances have changed and I won't be able to attend" and leave it at that until you announce.

Doilooklikeatourist Fri 22-Mar-19 22:11:32

Don’t pay the deposit,
You need to phone the person organising it , and explain ( between ourselves ) you’re a tiny bit pregnant , and at this stage you can’t see that you will be able to attend

Petalflowers Fri 22-Mar-19 22:12:30

Definitely pay the £50.

Part of me thinks you are liable for the total cost, if your place cannot be filled. If everyone pulled out, then the MOH would be left footing the bill, or the other guests would have to pay more, which they may resent or be unable to do so. It’s not their fault you cannot go.

MrBobLoblaw Fri 22-Mar-19 22:14:24

I'd love to @SpeedyBojangles but last year I went to a friends (local) hen do. It was one night away from 6mo DS and I pumped 2 litres of breastmilk over the course of a few weeks for the greedy little blighter to have in my absence. He finished it off 2 hrs before I got home! I just have only be gone for 36 hrs tops. The thought of how much I'd have to pump for 4 days.. shock

MrBobLoblaw Fri 22-Mar-19 22:16:38

@Petalflowers it would only be £4ish extra for everyone when it comes to pay the balance, which isn't due for a year so not an unreasonable amount.

weekendsleep Fri 22-Mar-19 22:17:26

I would think having a young baby is a good enough excuse and if that wasn't accepted by the bride I would be questioning who I'm friends with!🤷🏻‍♀️

SuziQ10 Fri 22-Mar-19 22:24:15

Don't pay anything. Don't pay the £50 when you know you won't go.

Either tell MOH the truth, or just say it's a lot of money and as you have family commitments you wouldn't be able to plan this far in advance unfortunately and that it's unlikely you'd be able to get a 3 night holiday for yourself. It's fine, everyone knows not everyone can always attend these things.

Drum2018 Fri 22-Mar-19 22:26:53

Best option is to tell Organiser about the baby. As she is only at booking stage then feel free to pay the £50 as a gesture, but there's no way you are liable to pay the full amount as suggested above. She may find that others pull out when it's time to pay up and people realise they can't actually afford a trip abroad to -stroke the brides ego- celebrate the hen, as can happen. Tell her not to tell anyone and then forget about it. You can let on to others that you are still going until after the scan. One less might even cost the group less with some taking a triple room instead of 2 doubles for instance.

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