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How can I get out?

(18 Posts)
Desperatestepmum123 Fri 22-Mar-19 18:37:38

I haven’t a clue how I’ve found myself in this position. Bit of background, I’m early 50s, married ten years, no kids of my own, two step kids (late teens), I work long full time hours for low pay, no savings, no close family.

DH is emotionally abusive in the extreme. Stonewalling regularly, blames me for anything and everything that ever goes wrong. His kids are awful, just like him, no manners, no respect.

Even as I write I can hear the responses, leave him. I can’t financially we’re in debt he’s accrued in our names, for foreign trips with mates, sports equipment, car we can’t afford.

The house is tied to his job so he can’t leave and I have no money to get a place of my own.

Any ideas? Sorry for posting here, it seems to be the busiest area for response and I’m desperate.

StillMe1 Fri 22-Mar-19 18:42:31

Contact Women's Aid for advice. Speak council re housing possibilities. Do you work? Is it possible for you to pay initial private rental. Could you get a housekeeper or similar job with housing

whywhywhy6 Fri 22-Mar-19 18:43:27

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

If you can’t or won’t leave then I don’t have any advice for you, unfortunately. If it were me, I’d focus on finding a way to get out. Many people manage to leave abusive relationships with less money and higher risk to their safety but it’s obviously very difficult.


Floralhousecoat Fri 22-Mar-19 18:45:38

You CAN leave him op. There are ways. Contact women's aid. Take it from there. Would you be willing to go to a refuge short term? I was in a similar situation to where I thought I could never leave. But I am now free. You CAN do this.

FullOfJellyBeans Fri 22-Mar-19 18:50:09

I'm sorry op. I agree with contacting women's aid. Even a room in a house will be better than this op.

Desperatestepmum123 Fri 22-Mar-19 18:55:14

Thank you for your responses. Will refuges take a woman with no children? I have very little money as after bills there’s nothing left. I’m on beans on toast while he takes his kids out for MacDonald’s on a maxxed out CC!

Moondancer73 Fri 22-Mar-19 19:24:01

Do you have family who you could stay with temporarily? Even a month would give you a head start, time to gather some money and get your head in a better place. Or maybe a friend who could put you up? When I was married a wise older colleague told me to open an account and squirrel away whatever I could no matter how small. I called it my running away account, it never got more than about £100 in it but it gave me hope, and focus.

funnylittlefloozie Fri 22-Mar-19 19:28:08

A refuge will take you, make some phone calls. Do you have ANY family or friends who would put you up while you get back on your feet?

Seniorschoolmum Fri 22-Mar-19 19:32:14

You could check out live-in house keeper jobs. I know someone who left that way. Six months, doing breakfast, lunch & tea for one old lady plus a bit of light house work in return for room, board, NMW and freedom.
She saved a deposit in six months. It gave her some head space and Her ex never worked out where she had gone.

WrongKindOfFace Fri 22-Mar-19 19:32:34

Yes, refuges will take women without children. There are very likely to be local support organisations which might be easier to get in touch with than women’s aid. There may well be links on your council’s website. Or try googling your area’s name + women’s centre.

WrongKindOfFace Fri 22-Mar-19 19:38:50

You can also register with the local council and housing associations for housing support. Even if you can’t get a council property the council may have a deposit scheme where they pay the deposit for you for a private let.

Desperatestepmum123 Fri 22-Mar-19 19:42:48

Thanks so so much everyone.
I’d not even thought of a different area?! Live in housekeeper until I can save enough would be a dream! I have a focus now. Thank you so so much.

oneforthepain Fri 22-Mar-19 19:47:36

Good luck, op.

It might take a little time and manoeuvring, but it can be done. Focusing on figuring out the "how" rather than just thinking about the final outcome of "leaving" can make it so much more achievable and easier to take on.

Crockof Fri 22-Mar-19 19:53:13

Agree with live in house keeper, these are especially sought after in rural locations, could have a complete change of life.

jellymaker Sat 23-Mar-19 20:08:03

You need to buy The Lady from newsagents. They have loads of adverts for housekeeping and other staff

RandomMess Sat 23-Mar-19 20:14:20

I'm willing you on OP, live in carer is an option to thanks

If you don't own a property is going bankrupt an option or the other legal options when you can't pay off the debts - DMP i think it is?

Spokk Sat 23-Mar-19 20:17:37

Good luck. It is possible to leave. Financially it is hard, but the gains you get are worth it. If you can’t leave just yet, that’s fine. It takes a lot of planning. Is there any way that you can get your important documents (passport, birth and wedding certificates etc) somewhere safe? I sent lots of things to a family member while I was getting ready to leave. Just don’t let him know you are going.

SofaSurfer20 Sat 23-Mar-19 20:23:14

Live in carer until you get sorted.

Leave the shit, he's not worth it x

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