Am I a total bitch to be fed up of hearing about my uncles 'tough life'

[Spookydollshouse]

God this is going to make me sound a right bitch but how do you approach things like this?

My uncle lived at home until his parents passed away three years ago , he was 45.
Up to this point he had never left home, paid no rent and bills, mostly didn't cook, car bought and insured for him, left jobs numerous times because he didn't have to worry about funds and had regular paid for holidays across the World. Good for him, honestly.

When his parents died he inherited a very large house but as it needed a lot of modernisation he sold it for somewhere else that resulted in a small mortgage.

All I ever hear is about my poor uncle having to start a mortgage at 45 and my poor uncle who now has to sort paying bills and poor uncle this and that because he can't go on the holidays he used to (even though he's going to USA and Dubai this year!)

It's driving me bonkers.
I hate flying so not at all jealous but I've had some really actual damn tough times in life and am still trying to build up from having literally nothing when we left exh, loss myself, serious health issues etc, being on my own with my children and I get no sympathy what so ever but poor poor uncle is having such a terrible time.

Help?
I don't want to be a what about me person but that's how it makes me feel.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

Whose life do you prefer, yours or his?

[whitetoblerone]

I would say he's been very lucky but that's not real life is it! He's been living off his parents!

I understand why you feel like you do, you've worked for what you have and it doesn't sound like he has worked at all. I don't really understand how it can be your 'poor uncle' when he's had everything to him handed on a plate and now, at age 45 he has to be independent?!

[pandarific]

Fucking hell I don't blame you! Who is saying all the 'poor uncle' stuff? I'd have to say something like 'I'd swap' in a wry tone whenever whoever it is says it. Or 'Yes, only three holidays this year - the poor lamb.'

That should shut them up.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

In any family, there is always one who is left at home to care for the parents, they give up careers, a young care free life, they have little in the way of social life, they have no partner, sacrificed their own chance to have children, they are 24/7 beck and call for aged parents, they wipe the backsides and do everything the wider family really couldnt be bothered to do because Poor old Fred or Dear Old Agnes will pick up the pieces .... then! the rest of the family gather and effectively groom the poor left over sibling/uncle/aunt hoping they'll be the chosen one to cop the lot.

I see this all the time in my line of work. It is grooming and financial abuse.


Hang in there OP - it might be you!

[Sn0tnose]

Just react with laughter and say 'aww, hasn't he had a tough life, poor little sausage!' The situation is clearly ridiculous and unless there is a huge back story of abuse, livig in a gilded cage etc, you can't take it seriously when someone is upset that they can only afford two luxury holidays this year. Laugh, shake your head and concentrate on you and yours.

[Spookydollshouse]

Plain don't get me wrong I would have liked to have life a bit easier than I have and to be a bit more comfortable for my children's sake but no I wouldn't have wanted to stay at home until 45 and have no independence. It would have driven me crazy tbh.

Pandarific it's my Mum!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I could totally understand if it was like that. I cared for a relative until she died so I know how hard caring is. I literally went day in day out seven days a week to the point I had to ask another relative to please help so I could take my children on one day out. As an only child I will have to do the same for my parents too.
Neither of his parents required long term care.
I mean I'm sad he's lost his parents I really am.

All I got when i left exh and got divorced was asked if I felt I had failed.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

It would piss me off, too.

I have a friend who is always complaining that she only gets a "widow's pension" and is so hard up, but is constantly buying stuff, going on holiday, having things done to the house etc, because her husband left her a small fortune, and so has her aunt.

Don't get me wrong - she's not a monster and I know that she would much rather have the two of them alive and still with her, than the money they left behind, but hearing her complain how badly off she is when she's spending money on stuff we could only dream of gets my goat sometimes.

Your uncle has led a charmed life until he lost his parents. If he wants lower outgoings, let him cancel his holidays and pay off some of the balance of his mortgage.

[kbPOW]

How about saying 'you must be fucking joking mother!'

[Tinty]

All I got when i left exh and got divorced was asked if I felt I had failed. .

I would have told her I won .

[CalmdownJanet]

I don't get it, if it's your mother why don't you just say "Oh come out of the fog Mam, he sponged off his parents all his adult life, got everything handed to him and could be mortgage free only for he didn't bother his are to work towards it while he had the chance, so enough of the pity parties for uncle Pat because I'm not interested"

[Drum2018]

Don't entertain the conversation. Tell your mother to shut up when she starts harping on about him or just reply 'nothing poor about him - it's high time he joined the real world'. Sounds like he's been quite lucky living rent free etc. Let your mother pander to this manchild if she wishes, but it doesn't mean you have to engage with such nonsense.

[mynameissleepyhead]

YANBU! I'd tell DM to shove the tiny violin somewhere.

My MIL is doing this every time we see them at the moment.

It's poor SIL and BIL for not owning a property. They've pissed money up the walls their whole lives, had constant luxurious holidays and a very comfortable lifestyle and even told us how boring and stupid we were to get a mortgage. We worked our arses off, no holidays or nights out, shit clothes and now we're being told how easy we've had it in comparison because they've suddenly decided they want a property. And it's all woe is me.

Which MIL is of course funding as they are "destitute".

[irregularegular]

Living with your parents until you are 45 sounds pretty miserable to be honest. Not my idea of a charmed life at all! (though it doesn't sounds like that is why he is considered to be "poor uncle").

It does sound a bit annoying, but I'd just forget about it and get on with your own life if I were you. Maybe push back as to whether he's really had it that bad if you can be bothered. Then move on.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

He probably could have moved out whenever he wanted but then he would have had to face the reality of the real world with rent, bills, doing his own housework, cooking etc and little money left for multiple extravagent holidays.

Poor uncle indeed.

[OrigamiZoo]

He has never grown up, be thankful you have.

[mondaylisasmile]

As an only child I will have to do the same for my parents too.

You don't have to. You can choose to. But it's not obligatory.

And aside from if it was, some people can't become their parents' fulltime carer (living too far away, working hours, childcare commitments) or aren't suited to it (emotionally or logistically e.g. if an elderly parent needs full support with toileting or hoisting in and out of bed, or has complex medication or medical appointment needs).

Just thought I'd mention that, as a small aside OP - not every child can or should be a carer. Sometimes it's better all around to acknowledge that professional, dedicated carers are better suited to safely providing care, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[SoyDora]

In any family, there is always one who is left at home to care for the parents, they give up careers, a young care free life, they have little in the way of social life, they have no partner, sacrificed their own chance to have children, they are 24/7 beck and call for aged parents, they wipe the backsides and do everything the wider family really couldnt be bothered to do because Poor old Fred or Dear Old Agnes will pick up the pieces

This is not something that has happened in my wider family (and I have a big family) and it’s not a situation I’ve ever seen occur in my close friends families either.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

YANBU. As it’s your mother though it’s probably best to agree with her before disagreeing with her. As in “ Yes, you’re right. Poor Uncle Spooky. It’s a lot to get used to. 45 is very late in life to suddenly have to live alone and stand on his own two feet”. If you can manage to deliver that in a sympathetic, rather than sarcastic tone, you might manage to make her think a little. He’s an adult. It’s not too much to ask that he manage his own life, is it?

[ambereeree]

I'm sure you're not the only one who's annoyed. If he inherited the house others must be annoyed but they're hardly going to be shouting about it.

[Bluetrews25]

I think OP said that parents did not need long term care, so it doesn't sound like he did any bum wiping.

[Ninkaninus]

I would say to her, every time, exactly what you’ve said here.

I wouldn’t sugar coat it either, I’d just say to her actually he’s had it very good for most of his adult life and now he’s being a grown up like the rest of us.

[Coronapop]

YANBU and you are most certainly not being a bitch. I suggest not engaging in any conversations with your DM about your uncle, ignore, suddenly discover you need to leave the room for something, change the subject. Or you could be more blunt and say you don't want to discuss your uncle any more, you have heard it all before.

[Boysey45]

OP I think your Mum sees your Uncle through rose tinted spectacles, its because its her brother. My Mum does the same thing, she thinks my Uncle is a great person even though he never bothers with her!.
Like the lady above says I'd either tell your Mum straight, you don't want to hear it or just keep changing the subject. If she wont then don't go round till she 's got the message.

[Rachel0Greep]

Tell her 45 is the new 21... Okay I made that up. But honestly, maybe he was fortunate to even get a mortgage. Lots of people can't, for one reason or another. I would hate to live at home tbh. Just let it go in one ear and out the other or start recounting stories of people you know who can't get mortgages. Poor them, eh. Genuinely.

[Chocmallows]

Definitely change the subject every time this comes up, not to anything heavy to try to be more of a martyr, but a lighter subject. Have a few lines planned "oh I just remembered I was going to ask you about..."

If you show no interest in the subject she is less likely to keep providing you with updates and reminders.