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To think he had feelings back then ?

(38 Posts)
Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:39:07

This has been on my
Mind since last year and I’d love some help to unravel please. Got very close with friend. Started eating out, drinks etc together. Ended up with a light kiss after dink’s one night . Never really addressed. Spent next day together. Lunch, hours talking in car etc. Went our separate ways and he text to say how that whole it may be inappropriate, he loved our night/ day together that day. A week later he announced with pure delight that a girl had text him to ask him out . I was shocked but said nothing. He was thrilled. That night he walked me to taxi, again wrapped around eachother and a light kiss . What happened back then? I’m
Confused. For context a relationship between us is off the cards and we both know that . Not an option then or now . Still extremely close if not closer. Any ideas? Thanks

Libraryloverlady Sun 24-Mar-19 12:25:36

I have had counselling years ago for codependent traits where I assumed a role that I just could t fulfil Within the family . A sibling had very sad substance misuse problems . Kids involved etc. I tried to rush in and rescue for her to turn against me . I sought counselling and my counsellor was super in that she gave me effective coping strategies to deal with brother . It worked . Yet here I am again 10 years later . Trying to fix problems that are not mine to fix . I told my friend at Christmas that I had decided to emotionally detach from
Issues that weren’t mine . He got the hint I think... to a point . What was happening was that he would open up, seek advice and opinion, get it, ignore it and the cycle would repeat itself . Except on this occasion, he was clearly being horrible and mean to a vulnerable, needy girl who was so desperate for a boyfriend and some attention, that she was willing to forwgo her own sexual
And personal needs and wants as long as he continued to date her . He took complete advantage of this and picked her up and dropped her as he felt . This disgusted me to be truthful . I really didnt like what I saw. This new selfish, manipulative, self destructive side to him. I’m so pleased that i posted. I really do appreciate your experiences and insights so very much . I needed help unravelling and I feel I’m getting there .

Motherofcreek Sat 23-Mar-19 16:58:43

He is draining you. Let it go. If he wanted you - you would know about it.

I’m ashamed to say I did this to a bloke when I was 18 and a newly single mum. Kept him at my beck and call for three years. He would drop everything to come and ‘rescue me’ or just to take me shopping, or my decorating or if I was just bored or needed a lift somewhere. On one occasion I had sex with him when I was really drunk. I still used to hang about with him when I was dating other people. I used him for my own emotional support and totally wreaked his head.

I’m actually embarrassed when I see him now 20 years later.

ShadyLady53 Sat 23-Mar-19 16:57:38

I discovered through my experience that I am a co-dependent and am attracted to people who “need” me and that I can caretake for. I have had very poor boundaries. The majority of people wouldn’t have stood for the kind of relationships you and I had described on this thread as the balance is not at all healthy. You speak of feeling responsible towards him but of also feeling lonely. Co-dependents feel an emptiness within and caretaking relationships often fill that emptiness. They’ll do anything to avoid feeling empty and lonely. Can you relate to anything I’m saying?

If so look at Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much.

cuppycakey Sat 23-Mar-19 16:47:35

OP you say repeatedly that you don't want a relationship without sex, but in a way that is exactly what you have. You see him every day, frequent messages, go on "dates" and spend time together. Very intimate conversations. Kissing.

That is a relationship without sex. You have sort of fallen into it without realising I think.

I can't imagine any other man would be that thrilled to embark on a relationship with you with this going on, so he is kind of blocking you from having a proper fulfilling relationship.

I agree with PP - you need to get to Baggage Reclaim cos he Isn't That Special!!

Libraryloverlady Sat 23-Mar-19 16:34:11

That’s. Good description of him. I have often been left drained and exhausted after spending time with him but I feel
So sorry for him and his issues . It was hard to make sense of as I get/ got so much from
The friendship and I’ll be sad to let that go

ShadyLady53 Sat 23-Mar-19 16:23:37

I think it’s the right decision. Invest in relationships that are less one sided, this guy is an emotional vampire.

Libraryloverlady Sat 23-Mar-19 15:40:25

I read some of the baggage reclaim blog! Sobering stuff. The idea of being a fall girl.. now that I know what it is!... doesn’t sit comfortably with me at all. It feels as if i have been a twat for not seeing that I am somebody that he wants to keep feeding his ego . I feel that I am
Important to him but he must be exhausted from
Juggling all these balls. I’ve decided not to respond to messaging for a few days any more . I need to fade him out I think. I get so much from the friendship so that makes me a little sad .

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 18:35:22

He is extremely close to his mum. She is old fashioned catholic Irish stereotype .. no sex before marriage / no homosexuality / inter farm marriages and set ups / parents having to give the thumbs up to children’s relationships etc . She is in her 70’s now . He worships her and she is likes his girlfriend so he is now over the moon. Perhaps gay. I can’t tell. Could t think of anything worse than a sexless relationship. Not for me . My best friend did ask me once if i thought he had mummy issues but I was too embarrassed to ask what she meant !sje also thought he may have had some experience of sexual abuse as a child . He had psych problems as a teen surrounding sexual activity and experimentation. I’m not sure of any of it . When he feels that he has to have sexual relations , it has to be in a very tightly controlled situation eg lights off, no noise, immediate pre and post hygiene , only at night etc . He can perform but says he is fast and not good at it

neversaidaword Fri 22-Mar-19 18:08:33

Is he close to his mum? Cares about her opinion?

Are you saying as long as he doesn't have sex he's not being a bad catholic being unmarried ?

If he's affected by his religious upbringing then he may not see it as an opinion to be gay. But then he did kiss you. All very confusing.

Would you want to be in a sexless relationship with him if the other obstacles could be sorted ?

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 18:01:41

I do believe that he is repulsed by sex. His face gets distorted when the topic comes up. His mother is from the old country... dyed in the wool Irish catholic farmer . Religion mad . He definitely struggles with that. All his friends are straight, married and have kids. He wants all of that but just not the sex bit... or at least a commitment to a girl

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:42:16

FFS Demi-Sexuality isn’t really a thing! It’s more a case of choosing to only have sex in a committed relationship. This man seems to be either asexual or repulsed by sex if he can’t have sex.

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 17:39:53

He could be telling the truth, but I think it's much more likely that he's gay and in denial

justasking111 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:38:47

I had a boyfriend like this, strong mum, he was mixed up had attended a choir school, interfered with by the choirmaster, thought sex repulsive although he fancied me it had to be in the dark and over in seconds. I wised up eventually, he went on to marry someone else, became uber religious, he died of cancer quite young it came out then how miserable he had made his wife with his oddities. Thankfully she remarried a lovely man.

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:33:40

No interest in a relationship without sex ....

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:32:06

This is comforting in a bizarre way. I thought I was going batshit. Thanks.
He adores his mum. She can’t do anything wrong in his eyes . Permenant job. Very rigid and routines in his day to day life . I know he doesn’t have sex because he has told me for years how much he hates the act in itself but feels compelled to perform in case he is found out and girls thing he is odd. He says he identifies as a Demi sexual which means that he can only have sexual relations if he has a close emotional bond . Now apparently , he doesn’t have it at all as he told his girlfriend he hates it and she is fine with it even though he said she is overtly sexual ! I don’t k ow of he is gay. He fits many of the stereotypes I guess . He says no. I asked him. He also says no to being bisexual. I don’t think he knows what he is except elated that he doesn’t have to have sex but still in relationship . This relationship is on the extreme side of casual but her situation is a whole other thread . As it is, she has him on a pedestal and takes whatever he throws at her . I get so much from the friendship. I can be terribly lonely and crave company. I get that in shed loads from him . I have no o threat in a relationship without sex

sar302 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:10:10

Eurgh. I could have written your post. I had one of these for a long time. I get added bonus points because he apparently wanted to marry me and have children with me, but strangely we never had more than one date, because never the right time, different locations etc.

The night I met the guy who I ended up marrying, I cut the other guy off for good.

The honest and painful answer is that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Don't spend your time analysing it too much. And read / watch "he's just not that into you". A bit corny, but very true.

MashedSpud Fri 22-Mar-19 17:05:43

Saying they aren’t having sex is a way to keep the other person interested.
“He must have feelings for me because he can’t bring himself to be intimate with another.”

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:04:12

My friends definitely thought mine was gay. I couldn’t see it personally but it was almost unanimous that my friends said he was gay but hadn’t realised yet.

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 16:59:24

Just throwing this out there... Could he be gay?

wonderingsoul Fri 22-Mar-19 16:51:20

How do you know they dont have sex?

Are you happy with how things are? Do you want a relationship ship with ir with out sex?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:49:06

The fall girl is the one who’s always available to an unavailable man when all the other women have seen through his bullshit and realised they deserve better.

You need the Baggage Reclaim blog!

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:47:43

This is spooky!

FWIW, I’d bet money he’s done what he’s doing to you to other women. I’m sure it’s some sort of pattern these men have.

Complicated relationship with his “insane” mother a thing too by any chance? Unstable job pattern?

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:45:20

What is a fall girl

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:44:05

I am very relieved to have posted and got these responses. It has been a confusing and lonely place for me . I thought he was an original !

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:42:15

His girlfriend and he do not have sex

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