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To think he had feelings back then ?

(38 Posts)
Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:39:07

This has been on my
Mind since last year and I’d love some help to unravel please. Got very close with friend. Started eating out, drinks etc together. Ended up with a light kiss after dink’s one night . Never really addressed. Spent next day together. Lunch, hours talking in car etc. Went our separate ways and he text to say how that whole it may be inappropriate, he loved our night/ day together that day. A week later he announced with pure delight that a girl had text him to ask him out . I was shocked but said nothing. He was thrilled. That night he walked me to taxi, again wrapped around eachother and a light kiss . What happened back then? I’m
Confused. For context a relationship between us is off the cards and we both know that . Not an option then or now . Still extremely close if not closer. Any ideas? Thanks

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 14:43:51

Why is a relationship off the cards if he can kiss you?

Hahaha88 Fri 22-Mar-19 14:46:35

Just ask him if you think about it that much. None of us know the answer

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:46:36

Practical reasons, geography, children, ages, stages,

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:56:07

I should have said that it is me that would. Not have been open to a relationship. I did wonder if he had feelings back then though. I know that people don’t know the answer, I had just hoped for your opinions as I don’t seem to be able to think clearly
On it . Thanks

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 15:56:30

Apart from children being involved, I had an almost identical situation over a period of years. He’d act like a boyfriend but then tell me he was “in a relationship” with someone from an internet chat room or something. One night we spent the night together (didn’t have sex but stayed up all night cuddling, he kissed me etc) and the next day he pulled me into his knee, snuggled into my neck and started messaging his “Internet girlfriend” who lived in Australia. He knew I wanted to eventually marry and have children and he said he never ever wanted either.

I’ve just found out he’s now married his “internet girlfriend” despite having spent years with me every day and having never spent more than a week with her.

It’s such a head fuck.

I understand the need to know whether he liked you or not, if it was love etc but all I can say is try not to waste any more headspace on this man.

He sent VERY mixed messages to you and it was an inappropriate move if he only wanted to be friends. Friends don’t kiss each other on the mouth!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:18:17

Thanks for your reply. Your situation sounds very similar to mine . I am not as invested or as eager for contact as he is . He likes to keep me on the hook for the benefit of his own ego I think. It was just very surprising to me that he announced this meeting with the girl ! Now he is much younger than me and my dating history is completely different to his . He still sees this girl Now and again . Considers her a girlfriend but doesn’t act much like a boyfriend if that makes sense . He still contacts me a helluva lot . Daily I guess and still asks me to do things with him on our own . I have been baffled by this for so long and thanks for your opinion . It helps to get different perspectives .

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:29:42

Gosh that does sound very similar! I’m glad that you aren’t as invested as him though as I was in love with the guy and it really messed me up. I spoke about it during counselling as I couldn’t make sense of it and my counsellor says this kind of thing is quite common with men who can’t “do” commitment or relationships. They have long distance or low commitment relationships instead because of their own fears and inadequacies and it’s common in men with avoidance issues.

I totally cut him out of my life. Blocked his number, deleted all social media etc when he went to Australia to see the girl (for a week! After 2 years with me). It was the best thing to do and stopped the mind games.

Do you think staying in contact works for you or would you prefer to keep some distance? Do you think his girlfriend would be happy with his level of communication with you if she found out?

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:30:45

He likely did (does) feel something for you but not in a way that involved any commitment.
He didn't need to commit--you fulfilled much of the girlfriend role without being an actual girlfriend. You are his fall girl.
You know he keeps you 'on the hook' for his own benefit, so why let him?!
You do seem more invested in him than what you say.
Is the relationship you have with him beneficial for you both or just him?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:32:06

and yes he is ABSOLUTELY using you for an ego boost!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:33:36

I see him every single day ! He has complex sexual issues which cause huge problems in his relationships. He avoids relationships as they normally end up messy. His girlfriend cherishes himand gives him free rein . She has no idea that he contacts me so much he says . That avoidant thing sounds right . Thanks

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:37:54

Oh yes, sexual issues in spades. As far as I know mine is still a virgin at 34, he certainly couldn’t bring himself to do anything penetration wise with me and his now wife was (conveniently) extremely religious and didn’t want sex before marriage and they currently don’t reside in the same country.

I’m horrified there is more than one of these men!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:40:58

Hi . Beneficial for me. I really value him and our friendship. I get a lot from the friendship . He has often said that we are like a couple without the physical part but as he has sexual issues, that is never going to be an option for me . He has the best of both worlds . I believe with the whole of my heart that he really does value and care about me and will often say that he loves me . He treats me with great respect but I think often of what happened last year and try to unravel it all. Thanks for helping me to do that today . I cannot speak to anyone irl about this .

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:42:15

His girlfriend and he do not have sex

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:44:05

I am very relieved to have posted and got these responses. It has been a confusing and lonely place for me . I thought he was an original !

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:45:20

What is a fall girl

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:47:43

This is spooky!

FWIW, I’d bet money he’s done what he’s doing to you to other women. I’m sure it’s some sort of pattern these men have.

Complicated relationship with his “insane” mother a thing too by any chance? Unstable job pattern?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:49:06

The fall girl is the one who’s always available to an unavailable man when all the other women have seen through his bullshit and realised they deserve better.

You need the Baggage Reclaim blog!

wonderingsoul Fri 22-Mar-19 16:51:20

How do you know they dont have sex?

Are you happy with how things are? Do you want a relationship ship with ir with out sex?

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 16:59:24

Just throwing this out there... Could he be gay?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:04:12

My friends definitely thought mine was gay. I couldn’t see it personally but it was almost unanimous that my friends said he was gay but hadn’t realised yet.

MashedSpud Fri 22-Mar-19 17:05:43

Saying they aren’t having sex is a way to keep the other person interested.
“He must have feelings for me because he can’t bring himself to be intimate with another.”

sar302 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:10:10

Eurgh. I could have written your post. I had one of these for a long time. I get added bonus points because he apparently wanted to marry me and have children with me, but strangely we never had more than one date, because never the right time, different locations etc.

The night I met the guy who I ended up marrying, I cut the other guy off for good.

The honest and painful answer is that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Don't spend your time analysing it too much. And read / watch "he's just not that into you". A bit corny, but very true.

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:32:06

This is comforting in a bizarre way. I thought I was going batshit. Thanks.
He adores his mum. She can’t do anything wrong in his eyes . Permenant job. Very rigid and routines in his day to day life . I know he doesn’t have sex because he has told me for years how much he hates the act in itself but feels compelled to perform in case he is found out and girls thing he is odd. He says he identifies as a Demi sexual which means that he can only have sexual relations if he has a close emotional bond . Now apparently , he doesn’t have it at all as he told his girlfriend he hates it and she is fine with it even though he said she is overtly sexual ! I don’t k ow of he is gay. He fits many of the stereotypes I guess . He says no. I asked him. He also says no to being bisexual. I don’t think he knows what he is except elated that he doesn’t have to have sex but still in relationship . This relationship is on the extreme side of casual but her situation is a whole other thread . As it is, she has him on a pedestal and takes whatever he throws at her . I get so much from the friendship. I can be terribly lonely and crave company. I get that in shed loads from him . I have no o threat in a relationship without sex

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:33:40

No interest in a relationship without sex ....

justasking111 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:38:47

I had a boyfriend like this, strong mum, he was mixed up had attended a choir school, interfered with by the choirmaster, thought sex repulsive although he fancied me it had to be in the dark and over in seconds. I wised up eventually, he went on to marry someone else, became uber religious, he died of cancer quite young it came out then how miserable he had made his wife with his oddities. Thankfully she remarried a lovely man.

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 17:39:53

He could be telling the truth, but I think it's much more likely that he's gay and in denial

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:42:16

FFS Demi-Sexuality isn’t really a thing! It’s more a case of choosing to only have sex in a committed relationship. This man seems to be either asexual or repulsed by sex if he can’t have sex.

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 18:01:41

I do believe that he is repulsed by sex. His face gets distorted when the topic comes up. His mother is from the old country... dyed in the wool Irish catholic farmer . Religion mad . He definitely struggles with that. All his friends are straight, married and have kids. He wants all of that but just not the sex bit... or at least a commitment to a girl

neversaidaword Fri 22-Mar-19 18:08:33

Is he close to his mum? Cares about her opinion?

Are you saying as long as he doesn't have sex he's not being a bad catholic being unmarried ?

If he's affected by his religious upbringing then he may not see it as an opinion to be gay. But then he did kiss you. All very confusing.

Would you want to be in a sexless relationship with him if the other obstacles could be sorted ?

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 18:35:22

He is extremely close to his mum. She is old fashioned catholic Irish stereotype .. no sex before marriage / no homosexuality / inter farm marriages and set ups / parents having to give the thumbs up to children’s relationships etc . She is in her 70’s now . He worships her and she is likes his girlfriend so he is now over the moon. Perhaps gay. I can’t tell. Could t think of anything worse than a sexless relationship. Not for me . My best friend did ask me once if i thought he had mummy issues but I was too embarrassed to ask what she meant !sje also thought he may have had some experience of sexual abuse as a child . He had psych problems as a teen surrounding sexual activity and experimentation. I’m not sure of any of it . When he feels that he has to have sexual relations , it has to be in a very tightly controlled situation eg lights off, no noise, immediate pre and post hygiene , only at night etc . He can perform but says he is fast and not good at it

Libraryloverlady Sat 23-Mar-19 15:40:25

I read some of the baggage reclaim blog! Sobering stuff. The idea of being a fall girl.. now that I know what it is!... doesn’t sit comfortably with me at all. It feels as if i have been a twat for not seeing that I am somebody that he wants to keep feeding his ego . I feel that I am
Important to him but he must be exhausted from
Juggling all these balls. I’ve decided not to respond to messaging for a few days any more . I need to fade him out I think. I get so much from the friendship so that makes me a little sad .

ShadyLady53 Sat 23-Mar-19 16:23:37

I think it’s the right decision. Invest in relationships that are less one sided, this guy is an emotional vampire.

Libraryloverlady Sat 23-Mar-19 16:34:11

That’s. Good description of him. I have often been left drained and exhausted after spending time with him but I feel
So sorry for him and his issues . It was hard to make sense of as I get/ got so much from
The friendship and I’ll be sad to let that go

cuppycakey Sat 23-Mar-19 16:47:35

OP you say repeatedly that you don't want a relationship without sex, but in a way that is exactly what you have. You see him every day, frequent messages, go on "dates" and spend time together. Very intimate conversations. Kissing.

That is a relationship without sex. You have sort of fallen into it without realising I think.

I can't imagine any other man would be that thrilled to embark on a relationship with you with this going on, so he is kind of blocking you from having a proper fulfilling relationship.

I agree with PP - you need to get to Baggage Reclaim cos he Isn't That Special!!

ShadyLady53 Sat 23-Mar-19 16:57:38

I discovered through my experience that I am a co-dependent and am attracted to people who “need” me and that I can caretake for. I have had very poor boundaries. The majority of people wouldn’t have stood for the kind of relationships you and I had described on this thread as the balance is not at all healthy. You speak of feeling responsible towards him but of also feeling lonely. Co-dependents feel an emptiness within and caretaking relationships often fill that emptiness. They’ll do anything to avoid feeling empty and lonely. Can you relate to anything I’m saying?

If so look at Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much.

Motherofcreek Sat 23-Mar-19 16:58:43

He is draining you. Let it go. If he wanted you - you would know about it.

I’m ashamed to say I did this to a bloke when I was 18 and a newly single mum. Kept him at my beck and call for three years. He would drop everything to come and ‘rescue me’ or just to take me shopping, or my decorating or if I was just bored or needed a lift somewhere. On one occasion I had sex with him when I was really drunk. I still used to hang about with him when I was dating other people. I used him for my own emotional support and totally wreaked his head.

I’m actually embarrassed when I see him now 20 years later.

Libraryloverlady Sun 24-Mar-19 12:25:36

I have had counselling years ago for codependent traits where I assumed a role that I just could t fulfil Within the family . A sibling had very sad substance misuse problems . Kids involved etc. I tried to rush in and rescue for her to turn against me . I sought counselling and my counsellor was super in that she gave me effective coping strategies to deal with brother . It worked . Yet here I am again 10 years later . Trying to fix problems that are not mine to fix . I told my friend at Christmas that I had decided to emotionally detach from
Issues that weren’t mine . He got the hint I think... to a point . What was happening was that he would open up, seek advice and opinion, get it, ignore it and the cycle would repeat itself . Except on this occasion, he was clearly being horrible and mean to a vulnerable, needy girl who was so desperate for a boyfriend and some attention, that she was willing to forwgo her own sexual
And personal needs and wants as long as he continued to date her . He took complete advantage of this and picked her up and dropped her as he felt . This disgusted me to be truthful . I really didnt like what I saw. This new selfish, manipulative, self destructive side to him. I’m so pleased that i posted. I really do appreciate your experiences and insights so very much . I needed help unravelling and I feel I’m getting there .

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