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To think he had feelings back then ?

(38 Posts)
Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:39:07

This has been on my
Mind since last year and I’d love some help to unravel please. Got very close with friend. Started eating out, drinks etc together. Ended up with a light kiss after dink’s one night . Never really addressed. Spent next day together. Lunch, hours talking in car etc. Went our separate ways and he text to say how that whole it may be inappropriate, he loved our night/ day together that day. A week later he announced with pure delight that a girl had text him to ask him out . I was shocked but said nothing. He was thrilled. That night he walked me to taxi, again wrapped around eachother and a light kiss . What happened back then? I’m
Confused. For context a relationship between us is off the cards and we both know that . Not an option then or now . Still extremely close if not closer. Any ideas? Thanks

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 14:43:51

Why is a relationship off the cards if he can kiss you?

Hahaha88 Fri 22-Mar-19 14:46:35

Just ask him if you think about it that much. None of us know the answer

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:46:36

Practical reasons, geography, children, ages, stages,

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 14:56:07

I should have said that it is me that would. Not have been open to a relationship. I did wonder if he had feelings back then though. I know that people don’t know the answer, I had just hoped for your opinions as I don’t seem to be able to think clearly
On it . Thanks

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 15:56:30

Apart from children being involved, I had an almost identical situation over a period of years. He’d act like a boyfriend but then tell me he was “in a relationship” with someone from an internet chat room or something. One night we spent the night together (didn’t have sex but stayed up all night cuddling, he kissed me etc) and the next day he pulled me into his knee, snuggled into my neck and started messaging his “Internet girlfriend” who lived in Australia. He knew I wanted to eventually marry and have children and he said he never ever wanted either.

I’ve just found out he’s now married his “internet girlfriend” despite having spent years with me every day and having never spent more than a week with her.

It’s such a head fuck.

I understand the need to know whether he liked you or not, if it was love etc but all I can say is try not to waste any more headspace on this man.

He sent VERY mixed messages to you and it was an inappropriate move if he only wanted to be friends. Friends don’t kiss each other on the mouth!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:18:17

Thanks for your reply. Your situation sounds very similar to mine . I am not as invested or as eager for contact as he is . He likes to keep me on the hook for the benefit of his own ego I think. It was just very surprising to me that he announced this meeting with the girl ! Now he is much younger than me and my dating history is completely different to his . He still sees this girl Now and again . Considers her a girlfriend but doesn’t act much like a boyfriend if that makes sense . He still contacts me a helluva lot . Daily I guess and still asks me to do things with him on our own . I have been baffled by this for so long and thanks for your opinion . It helps to get different perspectives .

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:29:42

Gosh that does sound very similar! I’m glad that you aren’t as invested as him though as I was in love with the guy and it really messed me up. I spoke about it during counselling as I couldn’t make sense of it and my counsellor says this kind of thing is quite common with men who can’t “do” commitment or relationships. They have long distance or low commitment relationships instead because of their own fears and inadequacies and it’s common in men with avoidance issues.

I totally cut him out of my life. Blocked his number, deleted all social media etc when he went to Australia to see the girl (for a week! After 2 years with me). It was the best thing to do and stopped the mind games.

Do you think staying in contact works for you or would you prefer to keep some distance? Do you think his girlfriend would be happy with his level of communication with you if she found out?

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:30:45

He likely did (does) feel something for you but not in a way that involved any commitment.
He didn't need to commit--you fulfilled much of the girlfriend role without being an actual girlfriend. You are his fall girl.
You know he keeps you 'on the hook' for his own benefit, so why let him?!
You do seem more invested in him than what you say.
Is the relationship you have with him beneficial for you both or just him?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:32:06

and yes he is ABSOLUTELY using you for an ego boost!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:33:36

I see him every single day ! He has complex sexual issues which cause huge problems in his relationships. He avoids relationships as they normally end up messy. His girlfriend cherishes himand gives him free rein . She has no idea that he contacts me so much he says . That avoidant thing sounds right . Thanks

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:37:54

Oh yes, sexual issues in spades. As far as I know mine is still a virgin at 34, he certainly couldn’t bring himself to do anything penetration wise with me and his now wife was (conveniently) extremely religious and didn’t want sex before marriage and they currently don’t reside in the same country.

I’m horrified there is more than one of these men!

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:40:58

Hi . Beneficial for me. I really value him and our friendship. I get a lot from the friendship . He has often said that we are like a couple without the physical part but as he has sexual issues, that is never going to be an option for me . He has the best of both worlds . I believe with the whole of my heart that he really does value and care about me and will often say that he loves me . He treats me with great respect but I think often of what happened last year and try to unravel it all. Thanks for helping me to do that today . I cannot speak to anyone irl about this .

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:42:15

His girlfriend and he do not have sex

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:44:05

I am very relieved to have posted and got these responses. It has been a confusing and lonely place for me . I thought he was an original !

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 16:45:20

What is a fall girl

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:47:43

This is spooky!

FWIW, I’d bet money he’s done what he’s doing to you to other women. I’m sure it’s some sort of pattern these men have.

Complicated relationship with his “insane” mother a thing too by any chance? Unstable job pattern?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 16:49:06

The fall girl is the one who’s always available to an unavailable man when all the other women have seen through his bullshit and realised they deserve better.

You need the Baggage Reclaim blog!

wonderingsoul Fri 22-Mar-19 16:51:20

How do you know they dont have sex?

Are you happy with how things are? Do you want a relationship ship with ir with out sex?

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 22-Mar-19 16:59:24

Just throwing this out there... Could he be gay?

ShadyLady53 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:04:12

My friends definitely thought mine was gay. I couldn’t see it personally but it was almost unanimous that my friends said he was gay but hadn’t realised yet.

MashedSpud Fri 22-Mar-19 17:05:43

Saying they aren’t having sex is a way to keep the other person interested.
“He must have feelings for me because he can’t bring himself to be intimate with another.”

sar302 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:10:10

Eurgh. I could have written your post. I had one of these for a long time. I get added bonus points because he apparently wanted to marry me and have children with me, but strangely we never had more than one date, because never the right time, different locations etc.

The night I met the guy who I ended up marrying, I cut the other guy off for good.

The honest and painful answer is that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Don't spend your time analysing it too much. And read / watch "he's just not that into you". A bit corny, but very true.

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:32:06

This is comforting in a bizarre way. I thought I was going batshit. Thanks.
He adores his mum. She can’t do anything wrong in his eyes . Permenant job. Very rigid and routines in his day to day life . I know he doesn’t have sex because he has told me for years how much he hates the act in itself but feels compelled to perform in case he is found out and girls thing he is odd. He says he identifies as a Demi sexual which means that he can only have sexual relations if he has a close emotional bond . Now apparently , he doesn’t have it at all as he told his girlfriend he hates it and she is fine with it even though he said she is overtly sexual ! I don’t k ow of he is gay. He fits many of the stereotypes I guess . He says no. I asked him. He also says no to being bisexual. I don’t think he knows what he is except elated that he doesn’t have to have sex but still in relationship . This relationship is on the extreme side of casual but her situation is a whole other thread . As it is, she has him on a pedestal and takes whatever he throws at her . I get so much from the friendship. I can be terribly lonely and crave company. I get that in shed loads from him . I have no o threat in a relationship without sex

Libraryloverlady Fri 22-Mar-19 17:33:40

No interest in a relationship without sex ....

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