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To think this is what it took to be believed-handhold please

(54 Posts)
Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:04:33

Please bear with me and get past this first paragraph of bollocks. I have no one to tell this to IRL at this moment. And no I'm not a troll with nothing better to do. My point is not about whether it's true etc: My sister rang me an hour ago to tell me the following. She has been smelling smoke at the top of her stairs and in her 4YO DD bedroom. Her DD won't sleep in her room anymore because she's scared. Her 2YO DS keeps saying he can see a man. My Sister now sleeps in DD's bed and said she felt someone sit on the end of the bed but there was no one there. Her hairdresser comes to her home and the past few times has commented on a presence. The hairdresser is into spiritual stuff and so today brought some I don't know, some stuff to burn in each room? Not sure but to get 'the presence' to leave. Anyway, upshot is hairdresser turns around and tells my sister that the presence is evil, there with bad intent and is our Grandad and that he's watching the kids, but not in a good way. The hairdresser knows nothing about me. Doors slam shut etc etc.

So, the back story is that 20 years ago I revealed to my mum and my sister that my Grandad had been sexually abusing me from the age of 8-13. I had kept it to myself for many years and it was discovered by my mum by accident really. I know it was a huge shock to them to find this out but my sisters reaction to me was awful. She didn't say she didn't believe me but she told me she would never think anything bad of him because he'd never done anything to her, she loved him, she was very close to him etc etc etc. She didn't ask me anything about the situation. Her whole reaction was bizarre. I was incredibly hurt by it and we've never spoke of it till today.

So she rang me to tell me about the apparent evil presence of my Grandad. I was silent and really didn't know what to say. But what came out in the conversation is that NOW she believes me. NOW. 20 years on. Because of some so called evil spirit thing?!!!! AIBU to feel so hurt and so fucking angry?! So my word wasn't enough? 20 years I've carried that reaction of hers with me. Feeling like a liar and that I was making up the whole thing. But NOW because of some fucking 'evil Grandad spirit ' in her house - now she believes me?! I'm not interested in the whole whether spirits exist etc. My point is that I cannot believe that she couldn't believe me at the time and that she hasn't for 20 years. But that all changed today because of some bullshit story about an evil Grandad spirit in her house?
I'm sorry but I just needed to tell someone. I'm so angry and I'm so upset.

megrichardson Fri 22-Mar-19 14:10:13

Maybe your sister's way of coping with what happened was to go into denial - it's so painful to have to face dreadful truths. I suspect that she knew all along only too well that you were not lying.

As to the other stuff - do you think that this is your sister putting ideas in the children's minds? Do you think that she may need help?

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:15:52

Thank you so much for replying @megrichardson . I'm a bit of a wreck sat here. I'm not sure which upsets me more, her acknowledging how awful she was at the time or that she now believes me. But I'm so upset that it takes some bizarre thing to make her believe me. It's a cross between anger and the release of that she believes me now.
Maybe you're right, maybe she knew all along. Apparently it was her hairdresser who told her it was her Grandad, that didn't come from my sister.

BlueMerchant Fri 22-Mar-19 14:17:08

I'd tell her to keep her evil spirit stories to herself. You lived it in real life.
Have nothing to do with it and don't get into a conversation about it.

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:22:19

BlueMerchant I just can't get my head around what she's told me. I'm stunned.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Mar-19 14:22:22

Do you think perhaps your sister was also abused, but didnt want to admit it ?

There is also often a bigger psychological picture behind abuse and busers where the absed still 'loves' the abuser, because htey are conditioned to do so - your sister may have been reeling from the fact she wasnt the only one being 'loved' . It's all rather complex, and full of what ifs.

You need to process your feelings and not concentrate on her issues. My guess is, her hairdresser, has collected a lot of conversations over time and put them all together and created a much bigger picture.

Prequelle Fri 22-Mar-19 14:22:37

I would be very angry too.

I'm not sure what to make of the spirit story hmm but she shouldn't be dredging up things from YOUR past now it's convenient for her

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:27:04

PlainSpeaking, I did wonder that at the time because her reaction was so bizarre. I know there's no right and wrong way to react because it's so subjective and it's such a shock to believe someone we love and know so well could have been doing this under our noses. But if someone close to me made a disclosure then I'd want to, well I best not verbalise it but you know what I mean?
At the time when it came out, I carried their reactions. And they have lived with me for 20 years.

Sn0tnose Fri 22-Mar-19 14:29:30

Your reaction to her phone call is completely normal and very restrained 💐

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:32:18

Prequelle, the spirit story exactly, I have no idea and I don't even want to open that bit up as to 'do you think spirits exist ' etc etc because that's not even on my radar.

I'm sat here just, well crikey I don't even know what. I'm a bit of a bloody wreck to be honest. All these years and now she chooses to believe me because of some bollocksy bullshit. I realise that sounds dismissive of whatever is going on with her right now and I don't mean it to but the courage it took to tell them at the time. The pain that everyone went through and I felt responsible! What does she want from me now? What am I supposed to do with this now?

slowco4ch Fri 22-Mar-19 14:33:22

Now you can tell her the fear she has for the welfare of her daughter and wanting to protect her is what you wanted and what your grandad deprived you of. Now imagine all that fear and loathing followed by your very own sister not believing you...so sorry you weren't believed and for facing all of that as a child. thanks

paap1975 Fri 22-Mar-19 14:35:24

How horrible that your sister didn't believe you when you first told her. I think you have every right to be hurt and upset. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:38:50

slowco4ch ... that. Yep. That.

I wanted to scream in disbelief to be honest, that she's scared over something that's not real, that she's thinking he's there watching her kids - it's not fucking real but it was real. It happened to me. I'm sorry that she must be scared or whatever but I absolutely could not give her any words of reassurance because I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

MrsSpenserGregson Fri 22-Mar-19 14:38:56

Gosh I'm so sorry @Happyinheels

Here's a hand for you to hold if you need it

Springwalk Fri 22-Mar-19 14:45:22

You have every right to feel angry and hurt. Every right. Your sister has been hugely insensitive, on a massive scale. The stupid haunting story only makes things worse and you really don’t need to listen to another word. You have survived such an awful experience for so many years op, and without very much support.

Are you having counselling? Do you have support in place now? In rl?

Text or tell your sister that you do not want to hear another word about the ghost story, ever again.

Your sister may have been abused too, and it is coming out in a different way, but you can not and should not be damaged further by this. It is grossly unfair having lived through this and with this for so long.

flowersflowersflowers for you

Happyinheels Fri 22-Mar-19 14:45:36

I'm so sorry - As I read it back I realise it sounds absolutely loopy. Honestly I'm bewildered.

She was the one who said straight away that she remembers how awful she was to me at the time and She apologised. But I think I'm so taken aback at the story of how she now believes me but didn't at the time.
I ended up just saying to her that I didn't know what to say to her and that I couldn't have this conversation right now and I hung up. I can see she's sent me a WhatsApp but I can't face opening it right now.

Thank you for the support and hand holds. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. When it all came out I had never felt so alone in all my life.

Sparklesocks Fri 22-Mar-19 14:45:47

YANBU, anyone would be rocked by this.
Is there a chance she couldn’t cope with the force of the truth and retreated, and now she’s coming round to it this is how she is finally accepting it? Or maybe she always knew, but couldn’t accept it, and this story is how she’s finally doing it? Not that it’s OK, of course.
Really sorry you are having to face your past because of this, it’s not fair for her to drag it up like this for you.
You are perfectly entitled to feel angry, upset and disappointed and whatever you need to.

Margot33 Fri 22-Mar-19 14:49:10

That is really hurtful isnt it? I feel for you. Instead if your sister having your back she withdrew. Only now is she interested because his spirit is in her home, and its now affecting her daughter. I would personally withdraw from the whole situation. Can you ask your gp for counselling? I hope you're alright?

Springwalk Fri 22-Mar-19 14:49:57

Yes you are right.

They are making a big deal about a make believe scary grandad, and you had to deal with a real life experience for many years with the real thing. Galling. Disturbing that your sister still chooses to minimise what happened to you by connecting the two.

Can you go low contact for a while? This can not be helping your mh or recovery from such a traumatic experience. I don’t think your sister is a good person to have around at the moment. Is there someone in real life that can scoop you up?

You have a virtual hug from here op. So sorry this happened to you.

Fairenuff Fri 22-Mar-19 14:50:56

This may have been her way of telling you that she believes you because it happened to her too. She could never really face up to it before now. Maybe having a child growing into the age that she was when it happened has been the catalyst.

Maybe this is her way of talking about it in a relatively safe way. She is still not acknowledging that anything happened to her but she can acknowledge that he was a 'bad' presence.

Dislaimer - that's just my opinion, not an expert on psychotherapy.

Smelborp Fri 22-Mar-19 14:51:28

That sounds so hurtful and she really let you down. It would be OK to tell her you never want to hear of this again and it’s not OK for her to use something so painful to you like this, particularly after so many years of not being believed.

DistanceCall Fri 22-Mar-19 14:51:48

It sounds like she's kept that at the back of her mind and now she's projecting it onto her children in this - admittedly, completely lunatic - way.

I'm so sorry - it's complete, utter shit for you.

I think I would personally tell her, very coldly, that you are glad she is finally believing you. And that you wouldn't worry about ghosts - that it's living people who can do the damage, both by what they do and by what they fail to do. As you know first-hand.

SconesandTea Fri 22-Mar-19 14:52:31

No it sounds like pathological behaviour. Maybe didnt intend to hurt but is she capable of empathy? flowers

Springwalk Fri 22-Mar-19 14:56:00

Don’t open the WhatsApp and let your sister think about how hard this has been for you for so many years.

The fact she apologised shows some recognition that she behaved really really badly for a very long time. But that does not mean it is okay to open up the past for you without being incredibly careful and sensitive. A letter of apology or other ways (without the need to use ghost stories) would have had a far bigger impact. Or at the very least giving you the choice as to whether you were up to talking about it.

Take some out. Do what you need to do to rebalance yourself and get back onto solid ground. If you have support in rl use it now.

That man does not have the power ir means to hurt you anymore op. You are safe now 💐💐💐💐

NewFoneWhoDis Fri 22-Mar-19 14:57:24

I think I would personally tell her, very coldly, that you are glad she is finally believing you. And that you wouldn't worry about ghosts - that it's living people who can do the damage, both by what they do and by what they fail to do. As you know first-hand.

Perfect way to phrase it.

OP I'm sorry this has gotten dragged up for you again in such a callous way flowers

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