Talk

Advanced search

AIBU that if I die tragically I don't want people...

(85 Posts)
BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:14:32

to leave flowers and soft toys in public that will look terrible after 24 hours.

to leave flowers anywhere that is only connected to me by my death, but an otherwise meaningless place.

to start "a fund" with no purpose and with no consultation with my family and friends.

to post mawkish, self-indulgent sentimental comments about me on Facebook, or make out that they knew me personally, or that they love me and I'm forever in their hearts, or that I'm now flying high with the angels, or that they hope I'm haunting my murderer in prison, or post crappy gifs of pixelated candles.

to talk to the press.

No. IANBU.

comedycentral Fri 22-Mar-19 12:15:21

Are you OK OP?

irregularegular Fri 22-Mar-19 12:16:00

I agree!

Lougle Fri 22-Mar-19 12:18:06

People do those things because it's all they can do. They can't reverse time and stop the person from dying. It's displacement activity.

I agree that I wouldn't want FB posts or press coverage, but people do it as a way of connecting.

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:18:11

comedycentral I definitely need to step away from the internet today.

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:19:03

lougle I don't understand why people need to connect so publicly with someone's private and genuine grief.

M3lon Fri 22-Mar-19 12:21:03

I wouldn't want that either...

but when people are dead it doesn't matter what they want. It matters what the living want.

If something happened to my loved one I genuinely wouldn't care one way or the other if random people were also expressing their feelings...i'd be too busy with my own to care.

SweatyUnderboob Fri 22-Mar-19 12:21:07

I had to look up mawkish. Good word!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Mar-19 12:21:35

This is what graveyards are for

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:21:59

People do those things because it's all they can do.

And that's not true. There are so many sensitive, respectful and private ways of reacting.

MillyCoddler Fri 22-Mar-19 12:27:48

People do those things because it's all they can do

Well, no ...
They could send a condolence card or letter
Make a donation to a charity as requested by the family of the deceased
Attend the funeral
Take/send flowers to funeral rather than make a cellotaph by the side of the road
Attend the wake and reminisce with people in real life
Quietly reflect

bigbluebus Fri 22-Mar-19 12:28:57

I'm guessing you are referring to Libby (going by your user name). If so then I think the people of Hull feel that they somehow let her down - that Hull failed to protect her.
I know that the Uni are allowing people to place items and reflect near the library entrance and in the Students Union but don't know where else items may or may not have been placed.
I'm not a fan of this sort of tribute either really and I agree that things should only be done with the approval of the family.

When my DD died, someone placed a single flower on her grave shortly after the funeral. Two years later it is still puzzling us as to who placed it there - if only because we wanted to know who cared enough to do it. (It was family flowers only at the funeral).

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:36:18

And tenuous links. I don't want people using my death as an excuse to describe their most tenuous of links to my death.

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:38:55

To be serious for a moment - I'm sorry to hear of your loss bigblue and of course last night's news about Libby Squire was the outcome nobody wanted.

MillyCoddler Fri 22-Mar-19 12:40:22

If so then I think the people of Hull feel that they somehow let her down - that Hull failed to protect her

But that is ridiculous. How can it be the fault of a whole city if some young woman is either murdered or dies by accident? It's just self indulgent nonsense.

TroysMammy Fri 22-Mar-19 12:41:43

I agree too and I don't want my photo on the local obituary site either.

lotusbell Fri 22-Mar-19 12:42:48

The phrase 'Fly high with the angels' always really irritates me!

Princessmushroom Fri 22-Mar-19 12:42:51

Doesn’t matter what you want, you’ll be a goner 😂 don’t you want your loved ones to find comfort?

KnobJockey Fri 22-Mar-19 12:43:27

I'm also from the area, and I kind of agree- I drove past the bench that she was last seen this morning, which is filled with flowers, to see someone taking a photo on their phone of it all. Why?

Though of course everyone was wishing for a better outcome, at least we have some form of outcome for it- it could very easily have ended up that the family never knew where she went, if she had died. Here's hoping that the autopsy/ inquest gives them some new evidence to pinpoint who did it to her.

steff13 Fri 22-Mar-19 12:43:35

How will you stop them? Haunting?

WeMarchOn Fri 22-Mar-19 12:44:40

I found out my great Aunt died on Facebook 🤦🏻‍♀️

ApolloandDaphne Fri 22-Mar-19 12:46:16

My DD died tragically. People left flowers, raised money and sent us messages/gifts. It was wonderful to know people were thinking of us and wanted to try and help us in some way. It was slightly overwhelming at times but it was meant well. I still have all the hundreds of cards we were sent.

BridlingtonSand Fri 22-Mar-19 12:48:45

Doesn’t matter what you want, you’ll be a goner don’t you want your loved ones to find comfort?

Yes - that's my point. I want people who actually knew me to find comfort, not for complete strangers to take advantage of their grief.

Bungalowbeth Fri 22-Mar-19 12:49:19

@lotusbell it irritates me less than, “Fly high with the angles” .

Picklypickles Fri 22-Mar-19 12:49:49

You wont care, you wont know anything about it. If it brings some kind of comfort/closure to grieving loved ones leave them to it.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »