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(45 Posts)
WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 10:47:22

I'll try to be a clear as possible without gettin boring.
Please be kind, I don't talk about this because I feel like such an idiot, but I'm also attending therapy for PND.

I used to go and work abroad for the summer every year, same place so had alot of friends. Met a guy who also used to go there for summer to work too, he worked in his families business(wasn't really work, more like earn crap money but have fun), he was from that country though, just a different part. We were together for 5 years, spend the whole summer together, we'd rent an apartment together, do lots of things. We used to meet up in winter too in different cities for holidays, but we were both working to save money for summer during winter. Everyone knew us, we were always together, met some of his family, brothers, uncles, cousins, nieces/nephews etc. Just not his parents basically as they lived in the other city and were very old. His family that I met were very kind to me. He was also very nice, treated me very well, made sure I was always happy, and did everything he could to make me happy. He was my best friend. Anyway he hadn't made a move and told me his parents do not agree within being together as we are different religions, so therefore can't get married and he said "I can't ask you to wait, it's not fair"
I decided 2017 was going to be the last year I go working abroad so that meant the last year seeing him too as he wasn't willing to take things further due to his parents. Halfway through the season I fell pregnant while on the pill, i really dont know what happened but it did and I was so upset at first. Told my bf and he was really good, calmed me down, took me for dinner etc he called my mum to let her know I wasn't feeling great (obviously I had already text her at this point). He tldidbt mention the pregnancy for a couple of days, and I had come round to the idea after talking it through with my mum. I definitley felt that a termination was not the answer. I brought it up with him again and he told me he didn't want the baby, he wasn't ready but he said it was my decision. I was upset but wasn't willing to go through an abortion, I told him if he wanted nothing to do with the baby then Ok, we would not have any contact then. I had a few problems early pregnancy in which the doctor told me I couldn't fly home, my bf helped with appointments etc.
A week later I found out he was actually married with 3 kids. found out accidentally through facebook, i had logged into my facebook on his phone as mine had died, and it must have synced his contacts so i had all these randoms in the "people you may know" section. One of the prpfiles was a woman with the same name as a tattoo he had on his arm, he told me it was his sister who died. I looked at the profile and there were pictures od 3 boys... one looked exactly like him. I questioned him and he tried to deny it. I got my mum to dk some digging and she messahed a girl who confirmed he was married since he was 17 years old. I can't Even explain how I felt...every emotion probably. How could I not know this? How didn't I pick up on it? He gave me a bunch of excuses saying he didn't know what love was as the marriage was arranged when he was still a child, he didn't means to fall in love with me but it happened and he didn't want to lose me. Anyway I finally got a fit to fly letter and went home. I told him to leave me alone, especially as he wanted nothing to do with the baby I was carrying, but he insisted on texting me everyday still. I decided to just talk to him as I didn't want anymore stress and it was just easier.
My DD was born, I sent him a picture just so he knew, he didn't say much.
A few months later I went back to place I used to work to visit friends who lived there, 2 of them has also had babies around the same time. I let him know I was going and that if he wanted to meet his daughter he could, but if not then that's fine, all contact would stop if he didn't though as I had no reason to talk to him if he wasn't interested in DD I also stayed in the town next to where he was so that he didn't have to see us if he didn't want. He told me he wanted to meet her. He came, brogubt her gifts, spent time with her. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing hutni thought if there's a chance for him to be in DDs life then I'll take it. I took her over twice more during summer, we had some arguments as he wasn't making alot of effort and I told him he can walk away but he needs to do it now before she's old enough to know. He wanted to be in her life he said.
So this year I have booked to take her to see him, he knew I was going to. I told him the dates and he's turned around and said he is going to a different resort now, but he'll come see her for 1 day. I was so annoyed, I asked him why he didn't tell me? But he just got annoyed because I was angry which made me more angry and j threatened to tell his wife. (His uncles know as they have seen me but they are obviously keeping it a secret for him). Now I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. Usually he texts everyday to ask about DD, but nothing. I text him to say he needs to decide what he's doing as I'm fed up, he asked me how can I expect him to text when I said all those things (I was quiet nasty when I was angry which I was probably out of order for) anyway since then I've text and he's not even answered.
So I'm taking it as he doesn't want to be in DDs life and fine, at least she's not at an age where she'll miss him and he can't let her down now. But my mum thinks I should tell his family.
I think part of the reason he is going to another resort is because word got out amongst some of the workers what he had done, and they have all taken my side kind of thing. They don't treat him like they used to and he's noticed, because nobody apart from his family knew he was married either . He doesn't feel comfortable and we reckon he wants to go elsewhere so he can live his "single summer life" again.
I think I should just leave him, not text but not block him but just do nothing and move on and concentrate on my DD.
My mum thinks I should message all the people from his wife's family, to let them know what kind of person he is, as she thinks I've let him get away with it.
I don't really know what to do. I'm in a pretty rough place and sometimes I get angry and think I should send the message, other days I don't even want to waste any more time on him. He has wasted alot of my time already. Do I send then message or not? I feel like I'm not really going to gain anything, but then again it may give me some closure? I don't know.

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 10:50:50

Sorry for the spelling mistakes.

Please be kind, I already feel incredibly stupid for
1. Not knowing he was married or Eve b picking up on it (although he had fooled everyone in tha y town basically)
And 2. For actually thinking he would be a part of his DDs life when he happily leaves his sons for 6 months of the year.

I forgot to add that the second year we were together he asked me to stop taking my pill so I could have a baby, obviously I wasn't stupid to do that after only being with him 1.5 years. He's fucked my mind up and my trust for others.

Merryoldgoat Fri 22-Mar-19 10:52:28

What do you actually WANT?

There’s lots of back and forth, confusion and terrible behaviour (from him), but I can’t work out what you actually want.

When you figure that out it’s easier to plan a course of action.

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 10:57:01

@Merryoldgoat I don't actually know. My head is in such a mess.
I wanted him to be in DDs life as I thought this would be beneficial for her. Now I don't think it will be good for her incase he lets her down alot.
I'm just tired of my mum telling me that I should tell him family, obviously if I was married to someone I would want to know, but I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. I would probably be upsetting another 3 children and his wife which I don't want to hurt anyone.

Seriously my head is a mess.

Merryoldgoat Fri 22-Mar-19 10:58:13

Have you spoken to your therapist about all of this?

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:01:58

@Merryoldgoat yes, she says she can understand why I'm so angry, and also she says she understands why I don't think telling his family is a good idea. But she said we will cover on it more next week

Halo84 Fri 22-Mar-19 11:03:46

I would let his wife know of the baby, that you didn’t know he was married, and you are cutting contact with him. Then cut contact. If he wants to see your daughter he will make the effort.

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:03:59

I've just got my mum and also a friend who knows the situation, telling me I should tell his family. Like almost everyday they are asking me why I haven't yet. And I'm starting to feel like maybe I am a pushover for not telling them.

Merryoldgoat Fri 22-Mar-19 11:04:32

Yes - ideally a child has two loving, involved, caring, supportive parents. However, he’s none of those things. So what benefit will she have from him being in her life?

He doesn’t contribute financially, doesn’t see her, has another family. I’m failing to see how he’s worth staying in touch with.

You sound like you have been naïve, but that’s not a crime. However, I also think you’re fooling yourself. I think you’ve allowed yourself to believe the ‘he really loves me’ narrative. His actions are not those of someone who loves you.

Personally I’d tell his wife as I’d want to know in her position,but that’s entirely up to you.

I think you’re hanging on to a romantic fantasy and you need to start being realistic.

BluebadgenPIP Fri 22-Mar-19 11:05:58

Did you get pregnant by accident or on purpose?

What do you want? You need to figure out what you yourself want for you and for your Dd. Does he pay maintenance?

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:08:29

@Merryoldgoat I did believe he loved me before, but not now.
My main problem now is I believed he would do that right thing, after all the wrong he did, and would make some effort with his daughter. Which he was but now has stopped.
When we were in contact our conversations were only twice a day and only ever about DD. I am not holding on to any romance, may be I was naive before but even if he turned around and said I've left my wife or whatever I would never be with him. I hate him but I thought the best thing for DD was to keep contact so she could have her father in her life.

I think the best thing would be no contact whatsoever, but I've also been told by a few that I can't deny him seeing DD if he later decided he wants to and that I should make the effort to get him to be in her life. It seems I can't do anything right in this situation?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Mar-19 11:10:41

His familiy have sanctiond his behaviour - met some of his family, brothers, uncles, cousins, nieces/nephews etc. Just not his parents basically as they lived in the other city and were very old. His family that I met were very kind to me.

I'm also guessing there is some cultural difference here (why must we pussy foot round this on every thread?) Is he something like a seasonal waiter, or in the hospitality trade? You can do better. I'm also guessing he's from a culture where multiple wives is the norm, hence no one being particularly upset about him playing away from home?

Walk away, leave it all alone, stop contacting him. Thats my advice. You won't move on and heal whilst you keep poking the hornets nest.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Mar-19 11:12:11

I think the best thing would be no contact whatsoever, but I've also been told by a few that I can't deny him seeing DD if he later decided he wants to and that I should make the effort to get him to be in her life. It seems I can't do anything right in this situation?

Walk away, use your gut instinct. He really is of no value to you whatsoever. Thats my advice.

BluebadgenPIP Fri 22-Mar-19 11:12:39

Are you in the Uk?

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:12:40

@BluebadgenPIP it was definitley by accident, if you read what I wrote.
Although I guess alot of people assume that I would "trap" him. I've had that before which also hurts as I've been told I've brought this on myself.

I had been to the doctor a few times leading up to this (before going away) saying that somethings changed as I had spottin on the pill, and never had before (been taking since i was 16) they told me j didn't need to change the pill until I was 30.

No he doesn't pay maintenance.

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:16:59

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking
Yes cultural differences too.
Thanks for the advice, I'm going to try an walk away
I guess because my DD is so special to me I couldn't believe that someone could just walk away from their child with no warning. And with the PND my heads just a bit frazzled.

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:17:26

And yes I'm in the UK

Gizlotsmum Fri 22-Mar-19 11:17:26

Why does your mum want you to tell his wife? For her (his wives) sake or to hurt him?

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:19:17

@Gizlotsmum I asked her this and she says that I should do it to hurt him, because he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it and that I'm letting him think he can go around doing this sort of thing and get away with it.

Personally I'm not someone who seeks revenge but I'm also someone who would want to know if I was being cheated on.

BluebadgenPIP Fri 22-Mar-19 11:19:30

Sorry I meant were both of you in Uk.

Is he in the Uk? Assume not because you say “abroad”?

Damntheman Fri 22-Mar-19 11:20:57

Firstly you need to recognise that not knowing he was married was not your fault!

Secondly you need to put your DD and yourself before anything else. You don't have to tell his wife if you don't want to, her reaction very likely won't be a friendly one to you if you did.

I'm not sure what I would do regarding his wife. But I am pretty certain that I would block him and cut him out of my life. Your DD doesn't need that kind of in and out again influence in her life. She's got you, that's enough smile

WishIWasABaller Fri 22-Mar-19 11:22:09

Ah sorry, no he's abroad.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Mar-19 11:22:11

Im always very concious of (usually) men from different, opressive type cultures who might just take 'their' child on holiday - and you have no legal recourse in those countries to get your child back.

Step well away from this man

BluebadgenPIP Fri 22-Mar-19 11:23:48

Is it a Hague convention country?

Is their a REMO?

Motherofcreek Fri 22-Mar-19 11:26:05

You need to give his wife the opportunity to know what the pig of a husband has done to her

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