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To wonder what we have done?

(115 Posts)
WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 01:59:21

Just had a beautiful baby girl 4 days ago but I am really struggling.

My poor 2 year old DS has had his world turned upside down by a baby who just screams constantly.

In the day time she wants to feed constantly so I’m stuck on the sofa. She won’t be put down or given to anyone else.

At night she screams all night long. Doesn’t sleep. Won’t feed just bobs at the nipple getting mad.

DS was a terrible sleeper as a baby so I really hoped this time round would be better but it’s a million times worse.

She is beautiful and I love her so much, I just can’t cope with her.

Butterymuffin Fri 22-Mar-19 02:03:31

It's very early days. Don't assume it will always be like this. Just try and get through one day at a time for now.

If she's not feeding at night time or has had enough, can your partner take her away and walk her or something? Even if she still screams it would get you a break.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:03:57

Oh love, Day 4 is a real struggle. I’m not minimising your feelings, but cut yourself some slack and remember you’re full of hormones, you’ve just gone through birth and she’s only 4 days old. It’ll get better flowers I know the breast feeding helpers will be along shortly to offer advice, but if breast feeding isn’t something you want to do, no harm in a bottle. Be kind to yourself.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:05:58

And - its been two days for your 4 year old son. Soon he’ll fab a sibling to play and interact with when everything settles down and he’ll love it. Don’t feel guilty. Could your parents or some close friends have him for a few hours in the days at the weekend? Take him for some special one on one time to make him feel important. It’s very very early days. It’ll be ok.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:06:27

^ sorry - meant 4 days for your 2 year old son! Very late.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Fri 22-Mar-19 02:08:56

Awww lovely - it's been 4 days! It is bloody HARD WORK having a newborn, let alone with a toddler as well.
Is there anyone you can ask to come round in the day and hold the baby while you nap? Does DS go to nursery or is he at home full time?
I admit, I know absolutely nothing about establishing BF as I never even tried with my DCs, but there must be someone who can help/advise you - hopefully they will be along on here soon! I know formula is a touchy subject, and absolutely up to you, but if you can't manage to breast feed, try formula. (Flame away BF supporters, I can take it, but offer advice and suport to the OP first please!)
Are you on your own or is baby's Dad on the scene? Even if he can take her for a while to let you sleep between breast feeds, it's something - or your Mum/his Mum? anyone?
Do you have a health visitor or the midwife still coming out to visit? tell them you are struggling and see what they say.
Are you anywhere near Hartlepool? cos I will come and cook and clean for you and hold the baby/entertain the toddler so you can sleep if you are.
Just hang in there lovey - it is so damn hard at first, but it WILL get better, I promise!

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 02:12:02

DS is coping brilliantly, but I feel so guilty. He has a cold tonight and just wanted lots of cuddles and attention from me but had to manage with DH instead. I know it won’t harm him but it’s so hard when he is crying for me.

I’m completely exhausted. We had a difficult birth so I haven’t slept in days. I’m sore, tired, emotional, and I just don’t see how I can manage to do this.

I don’t know what to do. If I thought bottle feeding would help then I would swap for the whole families benefit. But I worry I will then have a baby that still screams all the time and can’t be comforted by being shoved on a boob so could make it worse.

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 02:15:37

@PomBearWithAnOFRS thank you so much. I’m no-where near you but your post really helped.

DH is here and being as helpful as possible. He is just as frustrated as me that nothing we do seems to help settle her.

DS goes to a childminder 2 days a week which will continue.

I just had this lovely image in my head of going out with them both, playing with toddler, baby in the pram and I just can’t see how that will ever be possible with this screaming banshee I seem to have delivered.

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 02:18:06

Midwife is due Saturday but I might ring them tomorrow and ask if they can come see us.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Fri 22-Mar-19 02:19:32

So buy a dummy!
Honestly, do what works for you! Try everything and see. Try a bottle and BF, for combination maybe.
It is hard now, when new mother's are sent home hours after giving birth - I remember with my DD (no 3 child) I was in the delivery suite for 90 minutes then they said we had to leave as they needed the bed! She was DHs first and he was terrified!
It is so hard, but just keep telling yourself "this too will pass" DS will sleep after being comforted by his Daddy, DD will feed, either breast or a bottle, and you will get some sleep (or pass out from exhaustion and then get some sleep!)
Take any and every offer of help, and if visitors come, tell them to make their own tea and dust/hoover/stick a load of washing on while they're ther.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:19:39

All 4 of you in a bed, stick the tv or a movie on that your son likes, take snacks and feed feed feed your baby if that’s what you want to do to encourage milk supply.

If you don’t think she’s getting any or seems incredibly hungry, you can give a bottle of ready made formula just sterilise a bottle and heat the formula gently. (We used formula and never breast fed, although I know a little about it through my job) she could be just very hungry.

Consider a dummy to give her some comfort? As long as it’s not masking hunger signs. Some babies just need a comforter, and it’s in my opinion (don’t shoot me down any parenting police) better to get them attached to a dummy than needing you to suckle in for comfort.

Lots of snacks/films/tv time or iPad time for your son, needs must. He can go out with daddy for walks to let you sleep when baby sleeps.

Have you tried swaddling? Or getting a sling for in the daytime just to keep her close to you. Or getting daddy to wear her in a sling just for 30 minute breaks so you can sleep!

Hang on in there, it’ll all be ok.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:20:54

Also get her checked for tongue tie, can stop them feeding properly resulting in lots of screaming.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Fri 22-Mar-19 02:21:58

X-post!
Hang on to that image - she WILL sleep eventually, or go in a sling, and you can go on outings with them both. You just need a chance to sort out a bit of a routine - establish bf or mixed or ff, whatever works, and you'll be ok.

31weeksgone Fri 22-Mar-19 02:24:32

White noise apps too or a Ewan dream sheep are worth a shout, worked wonders here personally. So did a dummy.

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 02:29:42

I’ve tried a dummy, she takes it for 5 minutes then spits it out.

Swaddling helped a little but she then rolls on to her side and ended up face down earlier. She won’t lie on her back at all. The only sleep I’ve had in 3 nights is if I feed lying down and she then sleeps on her side scooped in to me and I get around 40 minutes. I can usually make this happen 2/3 times a night. The rest of the time I’ve been awake with her.

She has just fallen asleep on me sat up feeding, slept for 20 minutes and then woken up. I’ve put her dummy in and am now just holding her. I can’t sleep like this but at least she isn’t screaming. If I put her down she will wake and cry and I can’t cope with the noise anymore.

I just keep looking at her thinking how beautiful she is, but that i am just so scared of not liking her.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 22-Mar-19 02:31:11

I second a dummy.

I know some people hate the look of them but who the fuck cares what it looks like as long as the baby is happy?!

Some babies like to suck for comfort. Out of my lot, 4 did and 2 didnt. Try it, it cant hurt.

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 02:32:11

Tongue tie been checked- she does have one but it’s very mild with a good range of movement. Feeding advisor on day 2 said she was doing really well with feeds.

I’ve got white noise on and have tried numerous options for putting her down- crib, Moses basket, on another person, swing chair, vibrating chair, all of them result in her waking and crying.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 22-Mar-19 02:32:25

I’ve tried a dummy, she takes it for 5 minutes then spits it out.

They push it out as the dummy isnt the same shape as a nipple. You soon learn to pop it back in as you sleep and when they are really hungry they will let you know!

Aldilogue Fri 22-Mar-19 02:38:37

I wouldn’t overthink the thoughts. There is a chance they’ll be times you don’t like her but it’s clear by your posts you love her. That’s the difference. Hang in there, you’re doing the best you can with a crying baby, sore body and no sleep. Don’t feel guilty about your toddler either, he’ll be ok. My now 12 year old watched continuous Thomas the tank engine when his sister was born. He’s fine xxxxxxx

humpydumpybumpy Fri 22-Mar-19 02:43:24

Just a suggestion... my DD was like this. It turned out to be that her back was out of alignment due to the traumatic birth. We took her to a trusted Chiropractor who specialized in babies. He checked her back and told me which vertebrae were out of alignment and then gently popped them back in. She didn't even notice, so it didn't hurt her. It was like a miracle, she then began sleeping like a baby and was finally happy to be laid down on her back. She's now 16 and has had absolutely no back problems whatsoever. I hope you find something that works for you soon!flowers

Myshinynewname Fri 22-Mar-19 02:59:46

Oh you sound exhausted flowers It’s such early days, you definitely won’t feel like this forever. I know it’s difficult but perhaps try to change your mindset a little bit - if she is going to scream whatever happens then let dh take her and allow yourself a proper break. She will not come to any harm by crying whilst her dad looks after her and you will be much more able to look after her if you have had some rest.
Ds3 was a screamer and it was very hard for a while but he is a gorgeous happy little boy now.

Myshinynewname Fri 22-Mar-19 03:03:32

Like HumpyI took ds to an osteopath too as he had a slightly difficult birth and noticeably favoured turning his head to one side. I was extremely sceptical but it definitely helped. It is very gentle.

Monty27 Fri 22-Mar-19 03:13:18

I had this. I was in tears when a friend called me. She came over with all the guff and fed the 4 week old baby a bottle of formula milk. Ureka.
Don't feel pressurised OP.
And congratulations flowers

WhenZogateSuperworm Fri 22-Mar-19 03:33:52

Thanks everyone. I managed to get half hour sleep with her laid across me. I know I shouldn’t really but I’m so exhausted I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

She has just woken up and is feeding again so at least she is latching on and not screaming at my boob like earlier.

PhoenixBuchanan Fri 22-Mar-19 03:50:54

Have you considered cosleeping ? For me it really is the only way to survive with a newborn and it is much safer than falling asleep with your baby on you. This is the new "safe cosleeping" advice from lullaby trust and Public Health England: https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

If you had a difficult birth I also second the advice to see an osteopath/chiropractor who knows their stuff with babies. It made a difference to DD2. And I find you really have to persist with the dummy, but if she will take it for 5 min that's a great start!

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