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Am I being bitter?

(17 Posts)
Amitheangryex Thu 21-Mar-19 21:31:47

6 years after splitting from exdp because of his cheating and we're still at each other's throats.
I've practically stopped speaking to him as he is abusive and on more than one occasion has threatend to beat me up for various reasons, mainly because I won't allow him to disrespect me.

For years he has been in and out of our dcs lives, picking them up and dropping them whenever the mood takes him depending who he has in his life.

He's now living with his new partner and at the beginning of their relationship, he was disappearing for days at a time, not having contact with dcs along with not paying any maintance.

As he has now settled into the relationship he wants to resume contact and have dcs stay over. I have no issue with this, however I have said he needs to first build up his relationship with the dcs before having them thrown into a situation they have never been in before.
He has flipped his lid accusing me of denying him access because I am jealous of his gf, this has all coincided with me calling cms, so I've now had both him and his mum telling me I'm spiteful and out to get him.

It has nothing to do with his gf as he was previously with the ow for the whole time we have been separated and only split with her when she found out he was seeing his new gf behind her back karma's a bitch

So with just what I have said do you think I'm spiteful? I feel so drained by all of this and its the reason I never done it in the past because of the fallout out and crap I knew I would get.

Stressedout10 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:34:19

No your doing the best thing for your children flowers

Chloemol Thu 21-Mar-19 21:38:44

No. If he is upset about cms that’s his problem, he should have sorted it, you are the one doing right by the children, and they should come first, not the ow, his girlfriend etc. He has his priorities wrong, you don’t.

Amitheangryex Thu 21-Mar-19 21:54:30

In not so many words he has told me she is his priority which is sad for our dcs, they have never been the top of his list.

RandomMess Thu 21-Mar-19 22:16:37

He's just a nasty excuse of a man and certainly not a "father" stop listening to the rubbish spewing from his mouth. He doesn't want to be responsible or reliable hence he's kicking off.

Ignore, ignore, ignore

Amitheangryex Thu 21-Mar-19 23:13:51

I'm in bed, in floods of tears because I'm being made out to be a money grabber and being told by his dm that "all women get money from the government I should spend it wisely and why are my dc different to anyone else?"

RandomMess Thu 21-Mar-19 23:17:24

Block him and his mother, they don't have DC best interests at heart do they?

thanks

Amitheangryex Thu 21-Mar-19 23:19:30

No they don't! It's only £55 He has to pay for two dc, the way they're going on its like I'm fleecing him for thousands a week.

Onehellofaride Thu 21-Mar-19 23:20:40

Ignore and continue doing what you feel is right for your DC. flowers

MellowMelly Thu 21-Mar-19 23:26:55

I agree with poster who said block his mum. She is merely feeding off what he is spewing at her. If it’s over text I would take screen shots of all this so if it gets nasty you’ll have some proof of the toxicity of the situation for solicitors/ courts if needs be.

Carry on doing what is right for your children. He does need to rebuild a relationship with his children, he has been in and out of their lives. He can’t just play happy families when it suits him.

Whoknows55 Fri 22-Mar-19 00:07:13

It’s important the children feel comfortable so you are doing the right thing flowers

Amitheangryex Fri 22-Mar-19 14:27:33

Thank you all for your kind words, I really was in a state last night.
I don't know why I allow them to get me down the way they do.

I've always tried my best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, but it's all just getting too much.
I've just had enough of being accused of being spiteful or jealous because we didn't work out, it diminishes any argument that I have with him and I usually end up keeping quiet just to keep the peace.

H0wt0kn0w Fri 22-Mar-19 14:36:32

hold your head up and don't engage. TIME has a way of making things clearer. My xmil told me ''it's all about money with you people''. The ''you people'' being my parents and me. It was inconvenient for her and my xh that my parents gave me some protection from the firing line of their abuse after I left him.
I was made to feel that I was a money grabbing gold digger as well which was ridiculous as I was living on the breadline and he was living in comfort and he had all the freedom and I had none. He was a ''freedom digger'' and every time he called me a gold digger I called him a freedom digger because his came at my expense. Well, this is probably NO comfort to you right now in the eye of the storm but everything will calm down and in years to come you'll be getting on with your life and having put your children's best interests first will become obvious as they benefit from the stable life you provide, and not being on the absolute breadline (as these exes often seem to wish upon their own children!). I have a quiet life now, my own job, house, some friends, some interests, no debts, no addictions, no convictions, no drama, no parade of new relationships. If my mil had any self-awareness whatsoever she'd be embarrassed. All the things she called me and I am the one with the stable home life and the secure job and the healthy consistent lifestyle, supporting the DC through subject choices and paying for braces etc..

So it doesn't sound like great advice but just hold your head up high and visualise how your life will look to a judgemental onlooker a few years from now. Probably, calm, secure, consistent, supportive, enough for the important things in life. Wonder what his will be like in contrast?!

Time has a way of making the truth much much much clearer, even to the biggest battleaxe of a mother in law.

RandomMess Fri 22-Mar-19 14:41:05

After 6 years it is perfectly reasonable that the "flexible" approach hasn't worked and it's time to go down CO route & repeat like a broken record!!!!

Perhaps offer one fixed weekend per month and they take it or leave it, no negotiation no compromise like it or lump or them take it to court.

thanksthanks

H0wt0kn0w Fri 22-Mar-19 14:49:58

PS, of course they call you spiteful and malicious because the dynamic (probably, if I can take the liberty of speculating here) is no doubt that you were the people pleaser and he took while you gave. You wanted his approval while he took the piss. This is often the dynamic in these situations. So, if that was the dynamic, they understand consciously that being a GOOD PERSON is part of your identity. You are no doubt a good person, somebody who puts others before herself. That's probably why you ended up with him. So with that being the case, your x and your mil know that they can attack you right where it hurts, by accusing you of.... shock not being a nice person. That is just the precise slur that will hurt you and unsettle you the most. That is the slur that will have you tossing and turning and unable to sleep because you are searching for the impossible, redemption, their blessing, their approval for having left him. Their understanding for something so normal as wanting the financial sacrifices of parenting to be equalised. YOu won't get that. Because how can they manipulate you in to doing what suits them if they say ''we don't blame you at all, raising kids costs a fortune, here's 11% of my net income which I know is not going to touch the sides but here you go''. Nope. They can not acknowledge that it's reasonable to seek maintenance. No, it is ''gold digging'' because the expense must be yours alone?!

So the next time they call you a a gold digger or whatever other slur they know will unsettle you, TRY to cheerfully agree and say ''through your sexist entitled lens, hell yes''.

What de-escalated the abuse I got from my x (endless accusations of selfishness, all completely ridiculous, his definition of selfish was if I didn't bend over so far backwards to accommodate him that my back broke; that was selfishness in his book) but when I started to shrug and say ''ok, you got me'' it wound down a lot quicker.

I know this doesn't solve everything. I know there are still logistics to be handled but if you expect nothing, never ever defend yourself against any ludicrous verbal slurs but paradoxically go hell for leather defending yourself legally in court, then it won't be so ''enjoyable'' for your x. And these types DO enjoy putting you through hell

H0wt0kn0w Fri 22-Mar-19 14:51:11

It's been six years? omg, I"m sorry. I thought this was recent. I'm really sorry for misunderstanding.

Amitheangryex Fri 22-Mar-19 16:41:29

Yes @H0wt0kn0w six almost seven long years!

It's ridiculous and what's been happening over the last few days is only the tip of the iceberg.

You've also hit the nail on the head re me being the nice person and letting them both get away with murder, now I've put a stop to it I'm the devil incarnate.
The reason I stopped speaking to ex was he completely disrespected my home and abused my hospitality.
Dispite what had happend he was always welcome to come to mine and see the dcs, I cooked for him invited him for days out and always made sure he was aware of what was going on with the dcs, however he just stopped turning up and being interested in what they were doing so I have up the fight.

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