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To tell the school no to this plan

(378 Posts)
lyralalala Thu 21-Mar-19 21:20:44

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

LemonBreeland Thu 21-Mar-19 21:24:04

YANBU. I would be going into school and saying no way is this happening. As you say there are plenty of other children who will happily play the game with the boy. Why should he get to choose what another child does with their break? Try and get the other parents onside too

mintoreo Thu 21-Mar-19 21:25:48

Definitely not. I wouldn't be happy with this either. Maybe make an arrangement to discuss this with his teacher and explain you and your sons point of view. Make it clear that you are not happy for this to go ahead and that you want your son to be able to choose what he does with his break times like the other children. It's not your sons problem to solve.

kbPOW Thu 21-Mar-19 21:26:56

I would resign him from the rota ASAP.

Twofurrycatsagain Thu 21-Mar-19 21:27:55

YANBU. All this is doing is reinforcing that if you have a strop you get your own way.

Becles Thu 21-Mar-19 21:29:25

A big fat NO from me. Stand firm against this behaviour.

JuniperNarni Thu 21-Mar-19 21:29:53

That's very rigid thought and quite extreme reactions for a 10 year old, I'd be inclined to think there may be some undiagnosed SN.

Have the school said your DS has to stay with him for the whole of these allocated breaks?

Leeds2 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:30:31

I wouldn't agree to this.

Stormwhale Thu 21-Mar-19 21:30:54

Nope. I wouldn't be happy with that either.i would be speaking to the teacher and explaining that my son was allowed to do as he likes on his breaks, and will not be bullied into obeying another child. It's not ok at all.

Nofilter101 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:31:01

That's ludicrous. Say no.

Funnyface1 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:31:53

Absolutely not, your ds should not be required to entertain this child or deal with his negative behaviours. I can't believe the school have decided this, it's ridiculous. Tell them you're not on board with this. I'd be very unhappy with this.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 21-Mar-19 21:32:40

Yanbu. I hear you completely and I'm utterly fed up with this, my dd2 is in the same position as your ds. Too kind to say no, but it's so unfair.
Mind, daily on mn, you would get an opening post from the other boys mothers PoV, and everyone would say he should never be a excluded.

Giraffey1 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:32:53

Do otherchildren have to 0lay with this boy too? If they do, then sort of ok but if it is just your son and his friend, then that’s not on!

BackforGood Thu 21-Mar-19 21:33:32

YANBU at all, as long as you are sure you have the facts right about the fact he (other child) really does have plenty of people willing to play with him, then I agree with you that I wouldn't even offer 1 of the breaks.
I get that schools have things like 'friendship stops' and groups and clubs to support children that find social interaction confusing, but this doesn't sound like that situation at all.
I would definitely be going in, if it were my dc.
Plus, their plan means that your ds and his friend would very rarely get to play together. NOt sure how the school thinks that is fair.

Purpleartichoke Thu 21-Mar-19 21:33:44

I would say no to that as well. If your child was saying this child couldn’t join them in football, it would be time for the school to step in. But this is the opposite, they simply don’t want to play a particular game. Kids should be free to choose their activity as long as they are not excluding anyone.

Momzilla82 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:36:34

What is this teaching any of the children about CONSENT?!?! Just no, all kinds of no. Your son has free will. The school should not be making this kid your sons problem. No way.

C0untDucku1a Thu 21-Mar-19 21:36:36

Id be more inclined to say absolutely fucking not. Ridiculous.

choosingchilli Thu 21-Mar-19 21:38:11

YANBU at all

Why do kids with bad behaviour always seem to get treated with kid gloves?

My ds spent almost a whole term sitting next to a boy who bullied him in year 3. When I asked the teacher to move him I was told they liked my ds sitting beside him as he was a good influence 🤔

I went to the headteacher and he was moved straight away.

Walkingdeadfangirl Thu 21-Mar-19 21:38:13

No way, he should have no contact with the other abusive child whatsoever, its bullying. Start looking for other schools if this isn't stopped immediately.

Thelieswetelltoourselves Thu 21-Mar-19 21:38:57

Hell no from me too. The nice compliance children are often used for stuff like this.

lyralalala Thu 21-Mar-19 21:40:10

That's very rigid thought and quite extreme reactions for a 10 year old, I'd be inclined to think there may be some undiagnosed SN.

I'm no expert, but his Mum doens't think so (and she says neither do the school). She openly admits he's very spoiled.

Have the school said your DS has to stay with him for the whole of these allocated breaks?

Yes. Which basically means queue up for a game, have a game, then back in the queue and so on until the bell rings.

Matilda15 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:40:47

YANBU. That’s so unfair that your DS wants are being made second best! Definitely go in and resign him from the rota ASAP and encourage the other mum to do the same

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 21-Mar-19 21:41:30

I don't think they're helping this boy develop his social skills in preparation for secondary school. It would be different if they were excluding him from the football but they just don't want to play a particular game.

harridan50 Thu 21-Mar-19 21:42:29

Straight into school tomorrow totally unreasonable and you need to support your son.

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 21-Mar-19 21:43:01

It also does sound like the boy has some social emotional issues as this isn't a normal reaction - even for a spoiled boy. His mum might not want to face the truth. Either way the school's solution doesn't seem like it would help him develop social skills. Much better to help him find children who do want to play the same game. I would go in and arrange a meeting and make sure you know exactly what is going on.

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