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To feel like this is inappropriate?

(50 Posts)
Neverknewitdbelikethis Thu 21-Mar-19 19:11:10

So I’ve been in a LDR with a man I really like for 4 months. He broke up with his ex a couple of months before we got together and he now lives about 10 mins from the family home. He hasn’t told his ex about me yet as it’s fairly new and he doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable between him and her, and therefore risk things being difficult for their children (9 and 12). He often takes them to and from school and sometimes eats at his ex’s. Everything is as amicable as it could be given that they’ve fairly recently broken up. He lives about 2 hours from me, I’m a single parent so we see each other on child free weekends.
He’s due to have surgery which will mean a 6-12 week recovery time and at the very least a month of finding dressing and cooking difficult. His ex has suggested that he stays with her while he’s convalescing. She’s in a large house with a spare bedroom. His only family live a 4 hour drive away although he has good friends who live near by. I don’t want to be selfish about this, but I don’t feel ok about it. I don’t think he wants to get back together with her, I trust that he wants to be with me. He”s told me that he and his ex were unhappy together for years but kept their relationship going because of the children. It was a mutual decision to separate. On a practical level, I can see it makes sense, emotionally I’m really not into it. It almost feels like a deal breaker for me. AIBU?

LordNibbler Thu 21-Mar-19 19:15:05

I understand you may feel uncomfortable about it, but what do you expect the poor bugger to do? I think she sounds pretty decent to have offered myself.

PurpleDaisies Thu 21-Mar-19 19:17:27

What are his other options?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:17:34

You are being unreasonable for being involved in such a faff of a relationship. He just left his ex. You live 2 hours away. He has young children. You're jealous and you barely know him. Stop wasting your time.

Nicknacky Thu 21-Mar-19 19:19:46

Unless you are willing to go stay then it’s a good solution.

To be homestead, I would be happy that she is willing to do this, would indicate to me that he’s not an areshole that she’s glad to see the back of.

PotteringAlong Thu 21-Mar-19 19:19:52

Are you going to offer that he stays with you?

Neverknewitdbelikethis Thu 21-Mar-19 19:28:54

Thank you for your replies. That’s the thing, I can’t go and stay there, I have a job and a child to consider. We haven’t talked about our relationship with our children yet, too early so he can’t stay here. He could potentially stay with friends, he could also stay with family but that”d mean being away from his children which wouldn’t work.
This is the first time I’ve posted on MN (loved lurking for years) and I’m really glad I did. You’ve taken a bit of the heat out of how I was feeling and my perspective is shifting a bit. Thank you smile

Bookworm4 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:30:50

Can I ask have you been to his home?

Neverknewitdbelikethis Thu 21-Mar-19 19:34:19

I have stayed there a couple of weekends, it was lovely but it also had an element of secrecy because his ex doesn’t know about me. I think really that’s what I’m struggling with. Feeling like a dirty secret isn’t great tbh (although I do understand his rational).

Leeds2 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:34:34

Was it a mutual decision for them to break up? Do you think either of them would like to rekindle the relationship?

PurpleDaisies Thu 21-Mar-19 19:37:07

Why doesn’t his ex know about you?

Neverknewitdbelikethis Thu 21-Mar-19 19:37:35

He says it was entirely mutual. I’m old enough to know that you never actually know about anyone else’s relationship so I don’t have a clue about wether there’s any yearning for a reconciliation there (bloody hope there isn’t from him!).

Charley50 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:42:57

I think you should cut your losses and end it. He's just out of a long relationship, he is keeping you secret probably out of concern for his ex's feelings, you'll feel paranoid the whole time he's at his exes. They probably won't get back together but you'll worry that they will. Is it worth it? Maybe you should tell him to give you a call in a year when they are less entwined.

Bookworm4 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:43:33

I'm the suspicious type, recently split, keeping you a secret, I'd be thinking he's hedging his bets; keeping you on the go in case the Mrs doesn't take him back. It must be extremely serious surgery if he's going to be incapacitated for so long.

Charley50 Thu 21-Mar-19 19:50:28

Yes what's the surgery. Sometimes the recovery time is much much shorter than the time you take off work for 'recovery time'

AnyFucker Thu 21-Mar-19 19:50:35

If the split was mutual and amicable why can his "ex" not know about you ?

ralphfromlordoftheflies Thu 21-Mar-19 19:53:21

Yes, it can't be both things. So mutual and amicable, but your relationship is some big secret.

Also, he is just 6 months out of a marriage which involved children. I think it's far too soon for him to have a proper relationship, even if he is legit, and I worry you are going to get hurt.

Neverknewitdbelikethis Thu 21-Mar-19 20:14:52

The surgery is on his shoulder so it’ll be difficult for him to get dressed and shower on his own at least to start with.
I kind of think Charley50 has hit the nail on the head. I really don’t want to let it go, but it seems that he’s not really ready to be involved with someone else yet sad

AnyFucker Thu 21-Mar-19 20:16:25

Oh give over. A grown man could manage to look after himself after shoulder surgery.

You are being codded.

Bookworm4 Thu 21-Mar-19 20:18:17

What so is his wife going to shower him? He's a chancer 🙄

CarbsQuestion Thu 21-Mar-19 20:21:30

They are still involved at a level that would make life very, very difficult for you.

ConfCall Thu 21-Mar-19 20:25:07

You're his secret? Are they permanently separated as opposed to "having some time apart"? Either way, it would make me feel edgy so soon after the separation. Maybe you should find someone closer to home who's demonstrably free.

lifebegins50 Thu 21-Mar-19 20:29:43

Did you meet through OLD, 2 months after he separated? Are finances resolved, divorce applied for?

I really don't think a shoulder surgery means he goes back to his Ex wife..does he say you and him will meet during this time?

I think given LDR anyway I think you are best to call it a day

LeilaDarling Thu 21-Mar-19 20:32:15

I smell a rat! Is it at all possible that
they are still very much together and he is hoodwinking you?

notsosureaboutthatthough Thu 21-Mar-19 20:33:19

Shoulder surgery?! Pfffff

He’s at it.

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