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to think it's common for abusive men to get unsupervised visitation?

(84 Posts)
sammatanga Thu 21-Mar-19 19:08:41

I've read a number of times over the last few days people saying 'he was mentally and physically violent but he still got 50/50' or 'he was prosecuted for being violent towards me but he still got unsupervised visitation of our children'

I'm sure this applies to women too but I've only read about it in regards to violent men getting unsupervised visitation of their kids.

I ask because I'm in this situation now and it worries me...

Gin96 Sat 23-Mar-19 09:22:29

Hi awful, poor little girl. I have no advise for you, I don’t know what I would do in your situation. Can you contact his ex and see if you can document his behaviour with his daughter? He will move on to someone else (poor woman) and then might give less attention to you. He sounds like he hates women.

sammatanga Sat 23-Mar-19 09:24:44

@Gin96 I am SO glad you said that. And that you spotted it just from the small amount I've posted. He does. He hates women. He really hates them. His mum, his ex, his daughter. Me. It's not all in my head. I just hate him so much and I don't usually hate anybody.

Gin96 Sat 23-Mar-19 09:38:07

The only thing I can say to you is not all men are like this, there are some decent ones out there. I hope you and your son can move on and have a happy life, that in itself would be poetic justice to your ex, good luck flowers

Aeroflotgirl Sat 23-Mar-19 09:44:51

Yes with bells on, my friend is going through this with her violent and abusive ex, even though he was aggressive and abusive to the judge and professionals, he was still granted unsupervised contact with her ds.

sammatanga Sat 23-Mar-19 12:25:09

Thanks @Gin96 - I'm scared to even think about a new relationship. Think I'll stay single for a while and just concentrate on my son...

Roomba Sat 23-Mar-19 12:45:30

I stayed with my abusive ex for years, despite utterly detesting him and it having serious effects on my mental health as I tried to compartmentalise it all and juggle everything to keep the peace constantly. I did this so he wouldn't get 50/50 access to my small children - which every solicitor advised me would probably happen. He was well aware of this and threatened it regularly (along with his brilliant idea of me taking one child full time and him taking the other, one each, fairs fair, right? hmm with no thought of how that may affect them)

Staying with him, I could carry on doing 99% of the childcare and keep them away from his abusive behaviour most of the time while they were small. As they got older, with their own opinions, and were harder work for him, it was too much hard work for him to have two kids 50% of the time. And they were far less susceptible to his attempts at parental alienation. He sees them regularly but has lost interest in battling me for them.

I'll never know if I made the right decisions. I imagine probably not, ideally I would have walked away years before. But the legal system's treatment of vulnerable children isn't ideal and would have put their best interests at heart. So I did what I had to do, though it took a big toll on me. If I'd left I would have been powerless to prevent my kids being abused too (yes I'm sure they've been affected by him but if I'd had to involve courts, cafcass etc and lost I doubt they'd be as happy, well adjusted and resilient as they currently are).

Roomba Sat 23-Mar-19 12:48:40

I finally split with my ex five years ago and I haven't been involved with anyone since. He's out me off men for life frankly and I don't want to risk falling into another abusive relationship. My kids have appreciated this too tbh (though no judgement on anyone who has been able to move on happily, I'm pleased for you!).

TwoRoundabouts Sat 23-Mar-19 14:30:44

@Gin96 a mother can harm her child.

Have you not read the news about the case where a mother drowned her 3 year old in the bath?

I have closer to home cases but I don't want to go into them in public.

WisdomOfCrowds Sat 23-Mar-19 14:30:47

To assume that women do not use children as a means of revenge against a spouse who has left them - is naive in the extreme.

That most definitely wasn't what I meant. I'm sure they do, just like I'm sure that women do the other things I listed. I'm sure women accuse men of rape and abuse, try to with-hold their children, or sting them during divorce settlements, out of malice and revenge. I definitely don't think women are above that. I was just questioning a) whether it was as common as a lot of men would have us believe and b) whether they actually ever got away with it in court. Like false rape allegations - my BIL would have you believe that men are being thrown in jail all over town because some woman accused them of rape on a whim. And while I believe some women do make false allegations, statistically they are more likely to be arrested for wasting police time than the man is to be charged. So in the same way whilst I can well believe that a woman might try to use the children as a weapon to punish the father, I was just doubting whether it would actually hold up in court or indeed if attempting to do this would more likely end up being used against the woman than actually stopping the man seeing his DC. But if you know of examples where this has happened then fine, I'm happy to concede the point. I certainly don't hold women as being above such things.

And to repeat the earlier point, if anyone can block an abusers access to children, they should.

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