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To expect my best friend to make more effort with my LG

(65 Posts)
popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 12:21:57

Background: I have been best friends with her since we were 7 years old and we have both been through a lot together. We speak almost daily via text message, live in the same town (about 5 mins from each other) and see each other most weeks at a gym class we go to.
My LG is 11 months old and she has met her probably a handful of times. My LG has no idea who she is and this upsets me considering we are so close. She will ask me occasionally how she is doing but other than that it's like she doesn't exist (she doesn't have children of her own yet). It is unreasonable of me to expect her to make a bit more of an effort to get to know her?

thecatsthecats Fri 22-Mar-19 08:51:41

The nephews thing is different. I have a bond with my nieces and nephews that is just flat absent with other children.

I don't know how to talk to kids, don't innately coo or cuddle them etc - but with my nieces and nephews it just clicks, and I know what to say, how to act, and interact with them naturally. I haven't changed towards other people's babies since they arrived either. Something biological I guess.

Having said, I'm great with my nephew and see him often, but I never ask my sister about him really. We talk about books, because we always have.

popsadaisy Fri 22-Mar-19 08:48:47

Thanks for the replies everyone smile
I think perhaps the majority are right and I shouldn't have such high expectations of other people. As I few have said I just had an idea of how it would be and unfortunately it hasn't worked out like that but perhaps when she has her own children and we can all do things together things might change ☺️ and for the record I'm not a person who expects other people to be obsessed with my LG or a baby bore I do go out without her and take interest in all my friends lives and really rarely speak about her unless asked (none of them have children yet and I'm sensitive to that) I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and go 'ohh god here she is come to bore us with baby talk' 🙈 many of my other close friends do take great interest in her though and ask to see her regularly so maybe that's why my best friend sticks out a bit because I'm used to the others!

Ihatehashtags Fri 22-Mar-19 08:31:38

Yabu no one really cares about other people’s kids

InsertFunnyUsername Thu 21-Mar-19 22:13:08

Hmm, i dont think you are being that unreasonable. I had a child before my best friend did and she was very much interested, as i was with her child. Pretty much the same i was with my siblings children.

I know people say its you shes friends with not your child etc but i couldn't imagine not asking about or only meeting my best friends child a handful of times, a distant friend/someone i know in passing, Maybe.

On the other hand i have a not so
close friend i see regulary for a hobby and we dont really "mix" our families, but thats a different kind of friendship.

HappilyHarridan Thu 21-Mar-19 22:04:49

I think YANB so U. I have no kids, and have no interest in kids generally but I tried to make sure that I saw my best friends children once every few weeks from birth because I want them to know me and think of me as part of their family. I think of them as my nieces and nephews and they are the only children in the world that I voluntarily spend time with! So I can understand what you were hoping it would be like. But as others have said it may improve when your child is at a more interactive stage.

SofaSurfer20 Thu 21-Mar-19 15:01:59

She's interested in you, not your kid

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 15:01:14

@TaxiGood ALSO - can I ask why you write something and then cross it out? Do you want me to read that bit or not?

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 14:58:40

@TaxiGood I did want the opinions of others and have taken them on board thank you smile I have responded to people who both agree and disagree with me. I'm happy to listen to opinions of others (hence why I asked). I am confident that our 20 year friendship won't end because of this as it's not something I'm upset about enough to bring up with her, it was just a little niggle in my mind and I wanted to voice how I was feeling on here and see what others think. I'm being unreasonable and I accept that. It just amuses me how into other people's issues some people get on here by getting so personal and 'dramatic' in the responses. Or perhaps I'm being unreasonable... anyway thanks for taking time out of your day to respond to me.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 21-Mar-19 14:56:08

YABU. She’s your friend, she cares about you. Your kid is your kid, and nobody is going to care like you do.

To everyone else, your kid is just another kid.

steff13 Thu 21-Mar-19 14:50:21

How do you get to know an 11 month old?

I was wondering, too. 11-month-olds don't tend to have a lot of diverse interests.

I love the children of the people that I love. But when my best friend's children were little, I didn't do anything to "get to know" them. I'd ask about them, I'd hold them or chage a diaper if necessary, but I didn't spend a lot of time with them. We have a very good relationship now that they're older.

TaxiGood Thu 21-Mar-19 14:34:03

Also— YANBU to pick out the one or two responses that agree with you and use them as an excuse to dismiss the opinion of the overwhelming majority. If you didn’t want the unvarnished truth you shouldn’t have come to AIBU.

TaxiGood Thu 21-Mar-19 14:31:11

It’s not that your friend “doesn’t want to get to know the person closest to you.” And ifyou’re going to be that dramatic about it I don’t see this friendship lasting long. To you your baby feels like the most amazing human on earth but your friend probably finds her interesting for about five minutes at a time. Friend should probably be a bit better about feigning interest to make you feel better but YABVU to expect her to have more than a polite affection for your child. This probably won’t change as the child gets older.

YABU to compare it to your friend’s nephews. Friends who are like sisters are amazing but with actual family there is often a lot more exposure to the babies and an obligation to dote on them. Your friend no doubt hears a lot more about her nephews, sees them more, has to attend their birthday parties, maybe babysit, etc. I know you dob’t expect that degree of relationship with your child but still YANBU to expect anything really, beyond politely asking after her, cooing appropriately at adorable photos, and listening to your stories about the baby as much as she would about anything else. Also it’s really weird if you don’t talk about your life or your baby at all to your best friend.

sagradafamiliar Thu 21-Mar-19 14:18:27

Ooh no. I'm crap with kids generally and can manage a fixed grin and 'aww' at cuteness but only really like my own.

GetStrongKeepFighting Thu 21-Mar-19 13:59:18

YANBU to want your lifelong (almost, for those hard of thinking) friend to care about and be interested in your child. She is part of you and your friend likes you... so not unreasonable but maybe unrealistic for this friend.

I have friends of 30+ years standing and we live a long way from each other so it's mainly a messaging friendship situation now but we are all happy to hear about the children and always ask. If she lived nearer to each other we'd be very much part of each other's lives more physically.

Saharafordessert Thu 21-Mar-19 13:37:44

Agree with the majority, YABU.

chillpizza Thu 21-Mar-19 13:31:10

To be fair I see my nephew more than my own brother grin I just don’t like other people’s children so shoot me wine

Lungelady Thu 21-Mar-19 13:28:45

YES (most posters)

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:20:47

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I haven't said at any point that I would end the friendship over it. I love her and value her so would never do that.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:18:00

@hellsbellsmelons glad it's not just me, was starting to think it was 🙈 we are more like sisters and always have been so I find it odd that she doesn't know the most closest person to me. I don't expect us to spend all of our time talking about her at all I think other posters are slightly over reacting and taken what I've said out of context.

Stawp Thu 21-Mar-19 13:17:18

I love my daughter, my nephews, and my best-friends children but I have to feign interest in anyone else's. (My best-friend has always been the sister I wanted though, instead of the shitty one I got by blood.)

Most of my Mum friend's are unfortunately saddled with constantly whingy babies who look like aliens...I can only pretend politely to connect with them. They're just boring to me.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Thu 21-Mar-19 13:12:39

I think it’s probably due to her not having any dc to a large degree. Why would she want to get to know her really? Other people’s dc hold very little interest to most adults other than the odd question or to smile at a photograph you show them.

Don’t take it personally, it sounds like you have a great friendship!

amusedbush Thu 21-Mar-19 13:12:37

I only see my nephew on special occasions (birthdays/family celebrations and gatherings)

I see my own mother less than that, never mind kids in the family grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Mar-19 13:11:37

Bottom line, @popsadaisy - do you value the friendship and want to keep it? If so, you have to accept that she isn't terribly interested in your child.

If I were you, I would keep the friendship and enjoy the time being popsadaisy, not Mum.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Mar-19 13:07:40

Ah bless you OP.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
My best friend had a baby and we do loads together now.
They come as a package most of the time and that's fine with me.
He's lovely and I'm his god mum!
She's a fab mum and I love them both dearly.
We do, of course, still have our adult times as well.
But this would offend me too!

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:06:52

@chillpizza in my opinion nieces and nephews are important and I'd certainly make more of an effort than that but that's just a difference in opinion I guess.

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