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To expect my best friend to make more effort with my LG

(65 Posts)
popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 12:21:57

Background: I have been best friends with her since we were 7 years old and we have both been through a lot together. We speak almost daily via text message, live in the same town (about 5 mins from each other) and see each other most weeks at a gym class we go to.
My LG is 11 months old and she has met her probably a handful of times. My LG has no idea who she is and this upsets me considering we are so close. She will ask me occasionally how she is doing but other than that it's like she doesn't exist (she doesn't have children of her own yet). It is unreasonable of me to expect her to make a bit more of an effort to get to know her?

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 21-Mar-19 12:25:23

YABU. She wants to be friends with you. An interesting adult who she shares common ground with. Not an infant who she shares nothing with and would possibly annoy or cause an inconvenience.

I'm pregnant with my third. My friends did the obligatory first meeting at birth and I don't think they've seen them since.
Brilliant. Our time together is grown up time. I also have next to no interest in my other friends children. I'll ask if they are well but other than that I want to discuss cocktails.

MolyHolyGuacamole Thu 21-Mar-19 12:26:43


doIreallyneedto Thu 21-Mar-19 12:28:30

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She asks how she is doing so doesn't ignore the fact she exists.

Some people just aren't into children, particularly if they don't have kids themselves. And, lets face it, babies are pretty boring if you're not related. She might become a bit more interested as she gets a bit older but she's your friend, not your child's friend, so you need to decide if you want to let this ruin your friendship.

SandyY2K Thu 21-Mar-19 12:30:10

Your DD doesn't need to know who she is. Maybe as she gets older this will change, but not everyone is into babies like that.

BeanBag7 Thu 21-Mar-19 12:30:10

YABU, it can feel hurtful but some people just aren't that interested in kids or don't know what to ask. Before I had kids I wouldn't know what to ask beyond "how are they?". I wouldn't know whether an 11 month old would be crawling/walking/talking or not and wouldn't want to look stupid by asking the wrong thing.

Jebuschristchocolatebar Thu 21-Mar-19 12:30:50

Other people’s babies are of zero interest to most adults. I would rarely mention kids when I am talking to my best friend who also has kids. That’s how our friendship is so good in my opinion. Don’t become that person who is so obsessed with their precious child that it consumes their lives. You will be 40 and wonder where all your friends went

tippyteapot Thu 21-Mar-19 12:30:58

She`s YOUR friend, not dd`s! To you your baby is your world. To your friend no matter how close.....she is just a baby. As she gets a bit more interesting as she grows your friend may take an interest, but why should she?

Newyearnewme2019 Thu 21-Mar-19 12:31:19

Im with Contracept on this, i love my friends but have no interrest in their children.

I will listen and advise if they want to discuss them but i don't want to talk about them or their husbands or my children and husband when i'm with them. i want to have a laugh and a giggle and forget about home life a little while

And i don't except anyone to want to know what my kids have been upto or what mark they have got in a test unless its GP or Dad (or Aunties/Uncles at a push!)

ijustdontunderstandher Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:23

YABU, it sounds horrible but to other people your kids really aren’t that interesting. My best friend from nursery has never met any of my kids, and my eldest is 6!. She doesn’t have her own DC so wouldn’t know what to ask about them. It may all change when she has her own DC, but she’s probablt just not that interested in children

DolorestheNewt Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:25

Yes, that is an entirely unreasonable expectation.

Lifeover Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:36

Oh for heavens sake! Your child might be the centre of your universe but in the nicest possible way is of little consequence to anyone outside immediate family.

Your friend hasn’t ignored your child she’s asked.

This is normal behaviour tbh. Even if it wasn’t there would be numerous other reasons she doesn’t fawn over your child. I suspect she doesn’t have to ask a thing about your DD as you probably fill her in regardless.

WonderTweek Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:41

I think especially if your friend doesn't have kids she's probably just not too interested in them and wants to maintain what you had pre-kids. Before I had my son I never felt like I had to spend time with my friends' kids as I wanted to spend time with my friends. smile They were happy with the arrangement too and seemed pleased to just have a bit of time away from the kids. Now that I have my son I'm really not bothered if my friends want to bond with him or not. Some mates from my mummy groups know him as our kids play together, but I can't see my child free friends wanting to hang out with my son more than they have to. grin It's just different interests I suppose.

DoneLikeAKipper Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:45

With all due respect, I think you’re unreasonable. I’m not sure how you expect your friend to ‘get to know’ your baby, bar occasional visits and asking after her (which she already does). Other people’s babies are not always interesting to others, especially if they are child-free themselves. You’ll have mum-friends in times to come, appreciate this relationship for what it is. Do you think she’s interested in children at all? I wasn’t pre-kids, and even now I can just about hold a conversation about other people’s kids without dropping off to sleep.

Demaindeslaube Thu 21-Mar-19 12:34:09

She's only 11 months, after a couple of weeks she'd forget again who your best friend is. Unless you want her with you everyday ?

Feb2018mumma Thu 21-Mar-19 12:34:57

I have friends who love my baby and friends who want to see me without him! It's just life, can't expect everyone to love your child and spend time with it unfortunately!

NoooorthonerMum Thu 21-Mar-19 12:36:13

Sometimes put close friends become like aunt's or uncles to your kids and it's lovely but that can't be expected of them as standard.

I would hope that she would take an interest in your DD (come visit when she was born and ask after her occasionally) as you would about anything that was important to her.

Stawp Thu 21-Mar-19 12:37:37

My 11 month old barely remembers her own family she sees about once a month. Your friend is Your friend not your daughter's. If she doesn't feel anything towards her that's not abnormal. At least she isn't faking it. YABU.

Hollowvictory Thu 21-Mar-19 12:37:42

Yabu. It's nice to have your own grown up friends not everything can be about babies

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Mar-19 12:40:24

I agree with the other posters on here - she is your friend, not your child's friend, and other people's children aren't going to be the centre of her universe.

And I also think it is good for you to have friends who are outside your Mum world - because you are still a person in your own right, as well as being a mum, and whilst your daughter will, of course, take up a lot of your time and attention, it is good for you to focus on yourself too, and not be completely consumed by being a mum.

Alsohuman Thu 21-Mar-19 12:46:25

While I absolutely loved mine, other people’s kids are a source of supreme indifference to me. If I were you, OP, I’d enjoy the adult relationship that cherishes you as a person where your motherhood is irrelevant, God knows it defines you in most areas of your life.

Magenta82 Thu 21-Mar-19 12:46:46

Other people's kids are interesting when they are newborns and you can have a lovely cuddle, after that they are dull until they talk and you can do things with them.

chillpizza Thu 21-Mar-19 12:48:50

I only see my nephew on special occasions (birthdays/family celebrations and gatherings) we live 10 minutes away and I don’t ask about him either his around a year younger than my Youngest.

Nobody else cares about your child as much as you think they should. Parents and grandparents sure but passed that it’s just another baby/toddler/child.

amusedbush Thu 21-Mar-19 12:56:29

I have absolutely no interest in other people's kids. I don't have or want my own either. I want to be friends with my friend, not their child.

I don't find them charming when they scream and drool and touch my things with sticky hands. Sorry grin

PutyourtoponTrevor Thu 21-Mar-19 12:57:07

Yeah, I only see my best friend without her kids. I'm not a fan of kids, I don't know how to interact with them, talk to them, play with them so the deal is we meet without them. I get them birthday cards and presents but in all honesty, I have no interest in them

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 12:57:14

@Lifeover the opposite actually I don't mention my child unless asked. I don't want to bore people.

BluebadgenPIP Thu 21-Mar-19 12:57:16

What everyone else said. Sorry.

My best friend has met my DD a couple of times in passing. She asks about them but she’s my friend not DDs friend.

Orangecookie Thu 21-Mar-19 12:57:53

Yabu because even though your child is your whole world, you can’t expect others to feel even slightly how you feel. It’s okay, she’s your daughter, not your friends.

Let it go and your friendship will blossom.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 12:59:40

@DoneLikeAKipper yes she loves kids and can't wait to start trying for a family when her and her Oh complete on their first home. She is very close to her two young nieces and tells me all about them and what they've been doing or funny things they've said whether I ask or not.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:00:25

@Demaindeslaube no need for the sarcasm. Thanks.

wheretheydwell Thu 21-Mar-19 13:01:01

Sorry but you really are being very unreasonable. As PP said, she is your friend not your daughters. She may have no interest in children and not really have anything much to say about them. She probably can't really empathise with or understand if you took about motherhood as you are talking about something she has no experience of.
Personally, I have really valued keeping up with my friends without kids as it is lovely to have conversations not centred on children!

TrendyNorthLondonTeen Thu 21-Mar-19 13:01:45

How do you get to know an 11 month old?

SuziQ10 Thu 21-Mar-19 13:02:26

I can see it from your point of view. I would like my close friends to be interested in spending time with me and my child, come over and hang out with us all and be a part of our extended family.
Let her know that she's always welcome at yours, that it would be nice to have her over, suggest you could make lunch for her etc. So that she knows she has a place there with you.
If she's not keen, that's fine, but you've done what you can. And you can still do things separately too.

Creatureofthenight Thu 21-Mar-19 13:02:41

YANBU. If someone is my friend I am interested in what is important to them. Your DD is important to you so it’s not unreasonable that you should want your best friend to be interested.
However, your friend may not like being around children, or feel uncomfortable so I wouldn’t push it - maybe invite her round for coffee so they can spend a little time together? But you can’t make her be interested if she’s not.

wheretheydwell Thu 21-Mar-19 13:02:57

Well, it sound like her nieces are older and more interactive than an 11 month old.

I think you really need to question why you feel the need for her to be invested in your child.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:03:02

@NoooorthonerMum that's true. I probably just had an idea of how we would be with our kids and am obviously being unreasonable in my expectations 🙈

DoneLikeAKipper Thu 21-Mar-19 13:03:13

@popsadaisy, she might be bugging up the relationship, or perhaps she just wants an adult friendship with you? She’s your friend, not your child’s, and you have to decide how important that is to you. If she ever does have children, you may find her to completely change, but no point really playing it’s and buts.

ShitAtScarbble Thu 21-Mar-19 13:04:45

Completely unreasonable I'm afraid. There is little as tedious as other people's precious children.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:05:18

@Alsohuman very true!!!

NutElla5x Thu 21-Mar-19 13:06:47

Blimey op some of my friends don't even ask about my kids! And it really doesn't bother me,especially as the ones that do are probably just being polite and not particularly interested anyway just as, apart from hoping that they're well obviously,I'm not that interested in theirs if I'm honest. Your child being the centre of your world naturally,but don't take it as a slight that she's not the centre of your friends.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:06:52

@chillpizza in my opinion nieces and nephews are important and I'd certainly make more of an effort than that but that's just a difference in opinion I guess.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Mar-19 13:07:40

Ah bless you OP.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
My best friend had a baby and we do loads together now.
They come as a package most of the time and that's fine with me.
He's lovely and I'm his god mum!
She's a fab mum and I love them both dearly.
We do, of course, still have our adult times as well.
But this would offend me too!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Mar-19 13:11:37

Bottom line, @popsadaisy - do you value the friendship and want to keep it? If so, you have to accept that she isn't terribly interested in your child.

If I were you, I would keep the friendship and enjoy the time being popsadaisy, not Mum.

amusedbush Thu 21-Mar-19 13:12:37

I only see my nephew on special occasions (birthdays/family celebrations and gatherings)

I see my own mother less than that, never mind kids in the family grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 Thu 21-Mar-19 13:12:39

I think it’s probably due to her not having any dc to a large degree. Why would she want to get to know her really? Other people’s dc hold very little interest to most adults other than the odd question or to smile at a photograph you show them.

Don’t take it personally, it sounds like you have a great friendship!

Stawp Thu 21-Mar-19 13:17:18

I love my daughter, my nephews, and my best-friends children but I have to feign interest in anyone else's. (My best-friend has always been the sister I wanted though, instead of the shitty one I got by blood.)

Most of my Mum friend's are unfortunately saddled with constantly whingy babies who look like aliens...I can only pretend politely to connect with them. They're just boring to me.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:18:00

@hellsbellsmelons glad it's not just me, was starting to think it was 🙈 we are more like sisters and always have been so I find it odd that she doesn't know the most closest person to me. I don't expect us to spend all of our time talking about her at all I think other posters are slightly over reacting and taken what I've said out of context.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 13:20:47

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I haven't said at any point that I would end the friendship over it. I love her and value her so would never do that.

Lungelady Thu 21-Mar-19 13:28:45

YES (most posters)

chillpizza Thu 21-Mar-19 13:31:10

To be fair I see my nephew more than my own brother grin I just don’t like other people’s children so shoot me wine

Saharafordessert Thu 21-Mar-19 13:37:44

Agree with the majority, YABU.

GetStrongKeepFighting Thu 21-Mar-19 13:59:18

YANBU to want your lifelong (almost, for those hard of thinking) friend to care about and be interested in your child. She is part of you and your friend likes you... so not unreasonable but maybe unrealistic for this friend.

I have friends of 30+ years standing and we live a long way from each other so it's mainly a messaging friendship situation now but we are all happy to hear about the children and always ask. If she lived nearer to each other we'd be very much part of each other's lives more physically.

sagradafamiliar Thu 21-Mar-19 14:18:27

Ooh no. I'm crap with kids generally and can manage a fixed grin and 'aww' at cuteness but only really like my own.

TaxiGood Thu 21-Mar-19 14:31:11

It’s not that your friend “doesn’t want to get to know the person closest to you.” And ifyou’re going to be that dramatic about it I don’t see this friendship lasting long. To you your baby feels like the most amazing human on earth but your friend probably finds her interesting for about five minutes at a time. Friend should probably be a bit better about feigning interest to make you feel better but YABVU to expect her to have more than a polite affection for your child. This probably won’t change as the child gets older.

YABU to compare it to your friend’s nephews. Friends who are like sisters are amazing but with actual family there is often a lot more exposure to the babies and an obligation to dote on them. Your friend no doubt hears a lot more about her nephews, sees them more, has to attend their birthday parties, maybe babysit, etc. I know you dob’t expect that degree of relationship with your child but still YANBU to expect anything really, beyond politely asking after her, cooing appropriately at adorable photos, and listening to your stories about the baby as much as she would about anything else. Also it’s really weird if you don’t talk about your life or your baby at all to your best friend.

TaxiGood Thu 21-Mar-19 14:34:03

Also— YANBU to pick out the one or two responses that agree with you and use them as an excuse to dismiss the opinion of the overwhelming majority. If you didn’t want the unvarnished truth you shouldn’t have come to AIBU.

steff13 Thu 21-Mar-19 14:50:21

How do you get to know an 11 month old?

I was wondering, too. 11-month-olds don't tend to have a lot of diverse interests.

I love the children of the people that I love. But when my best friend's children were little, I didn't do anything to "get to know" them. I'd ask about them, I'd hold them or chage a diaper if necessary, but I didn't spend a lot of time with them. We have a very good relationship now that they're older.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 21-Mar-19 14:56:08

YABU. She’s your friend, she cares about you. Your kid is your kid, and nobody is going to care like you do.

To everyone else, your kid is just another kid.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 14:58:40

@TaxiGood I did want the opinions of others and have taken them on board thank you smile I have responded to people who both agree and disagree with me. I'm happy to listen to opinions of others (hence why I asked). I am confident that our 20 year friendship won't end because of this as it's not something I'm upset about enough to bring up with her, it was just a little niggle in my mind and I wanted to voice how I was feeling on here and see what others think. I'm being unreasonable and I accept that. It just amuses me how into other people's issues some people get on here by getting so personal and 'dramatic' in the responses. Or perhaps I'm being unreasonable... anyway thanks for taking time out of your day to respond to me.

popsadaisy Thu 21-Mar-19 15:01:14

@TaxiGood ALSO - can I ask why you write something and then cross it out? Do you want me to read that bit or not?

SofaSurfer20 Thu 21-Mar-19 15:01:59

She's interested in you, not your kid

HappilyHarridan Thu 21-Mar-19 22:04:49

I think YANB so U. I have no kids, and have no interest in kids generally but I tried to make sure that I saw my best friends children once every few weeks from birth because I want them to know me and think of me as part of their family. I think of them as my nieces and nephews and they are the only children in the world that I voluntarily spend time with! So I can understand what you were hoping it would be like. But as others have said it may improve when your child is at a more interactive stage.

InsertFunnyUsername Thu 21-Mar-19 22:13:08

Hmm, i dont think you are being that unreasonable. I had a child before my best friend did and she was very much interested, as i was with her child. Pretty much the same i was with my siblings children.

I know people say its you shes friends with not your child etc but i couldn't imagine not asking about or only meeting my best friends child a handful of times, a distant friend/someone i know in passing, Maybe.

On the other hand i have a not so
close friend i see regulary for a hobby and we dont really "mix" our families, but thats a different kind of friendship.

Ihatehashtags Fri 22-Mar-19 08:31:38

Yabu no one really cares about other people’s kids

popsadaisy Fri 22-Mar-19 08:48:47

Thanks for the replies everyone smile
I think perhaps the majority are right and I shouldn't have such high expectations of other people. As I few have said I just had an idea of how it would be and unfortunately it hasn't worked out like that but perhaps when she has her own children and we can all do things together things might change ☺️ and for the record I'm not a person who expects other people to be obsessed with my LG or a baby bore I do go out without her and take interest in all my friends lives and really rarely speak about her unless asked (none of them have children yet and I'm sensitive to that) I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and go 'ohh god here she is come to bore us with baby talk' 🙈 many of my other close friends do take great interest in her though and ask to see her regularly so maybe that's why my best friend sticks out a bit because I'm used to the others!

thecatsthecats Fri 22-Mar-19 08:51:41

The nephews thing is different. I have a bond with my nieces and nephews that is just flat absent with other children.

I don't know how to talk to kids, don't innately coo or cuddle them etc - but with my nieces and nephews it just clicks, and I know what to say, how to act, and interact with them naturally. I haven't changed towards other people's babies since they arrived either. Something biological I guess.

Having said, I'm great with my nephew and see him often, but I never ask my sister about him really. We talk about books, because we always have.

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