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Is EXH a selfish twunt or AIBU?

(18 Posts)
Exhisatwunt Wed 20-Mar-19 22:14:51

Ok, NC for this in case I'm being an idiot and VU.

So, exDH and I separated. We have one DS. Both work full time and son goes to a childminder. He has him one night in the week, and one day at the weekend. It alternates, and it works. Generally all is amicable.

Yesterday he called to tell me that he's going to Aus in 2 weeks to see his friend for 2 weeks. He then proceeded to tell me that he was going to go in 4 days time but his sister has told him that he should give me more notice. So he's generously given me 2 weeks instead. He's not checked the dates with me, he's just told me it's happening as he needs a holiday.

Now whilst I couldn't give two hoots what he does in his time, I'm a little annoyed that he's just assumed I'll look after our son and have no plans. Of course I'll do it, he's my son and I love our time together. What I'm annoyed about is his ability to be able to what he wants, when he wants, with no thought or consideration for anyone else.

I've not said anything to him, I really cba. But AIBU to think he's a bit of a twunt?!

tinyme77 Wed 20-Mar-19 22:18:05

I think that you can say "Luckily I am free this time but please don't always assume that I am"

blackteasplease Wed 20-Mar-19 22:18:20

Yes a selfish twunt.

JassyRadlett Wed 20-Mar-19 22:21:11

Another vote for selfish twunt. I’d be very tempted to say ‘thanks for letting me know, unfortunately I’ve got an unchangeable commitment from x to y on the Saturday, let me know what arrangements you make for childcare during that time so I can drop off/pick up.’

lifebegins50 Wed 20-Mar-19 22:22:41

Yes it is self centred but it really is his loss.

As the DC get older they learn quickly which parent is less self centred. I assume that is why you are no longer together?

MsVestibule Wed 20-Mar-19 22:22:53

You are the default carer, he just helps you out by babysitting your son when it suits him. That's how he sees it.

Can you imagine his reaction if you told him that you were going on a two week holiday and just expected him to look after your son? This dickish behaviour will continue until he is 18 🙄.

Sausagerollers Wed 20-Mar-19 22:25:25

Tell him that you're away for the two weeks after he's back, so once he returns from his holiday, he can look after his son for 2 weeks.

If he raises any objections, explain that he can't ask things of you that he's not prepared to do himself and that he needs to cancel his trip or at the very least check with you going forward that you're able to have your son on his father's days.

If he doesn't object, book yourself a lovely trip away.

sailorsdelight Wed 20-Mar-19 22:28:41

YABU and massively over reacting IMHO. If everything is amicable then don’t ruin it by making a fuss over something that’s already happening. Can you really not cope for 2 weeks, even a short notice? Tell him that you really need more notice next time, as much as he can give you and treat this as a one off.

lovinglifexo Wed 20-Mar-19 22:32:26


Exhisatwunt Wed 20-Mar-19 22:33:01

sailorsdelight Not sure how I'm over reacting when I've stated I'm not going to say anything to him. I have no intention of causing drama over this, I was using MN as an outlet for my frustration and to gather opinions. I've also not said I can't cope. It's the lack of courtesy that's pissed me off.

To everyone else, thank you for the validation. I'm glad I'm not alone in my thinking.

sailorsdelight Wed 20-Mar-19 22:36:40

And ignore the drama llamas on here suggesting that you retaliate immediately with a 2 week holiday on his return. If they can’t see the difference between a parent who has the majority share of time and one who does 2 days a week then they aren’t that bright!

Floogle Wed 20-Mar-19 22:38:02

Yep, completely selfish. My ex also does this to me regularly!! Never 'is this ok?' but 'I'm away from X to Y dates' and just expects me to deal with it. Like you I don't mind if I don't have plans but I always think how nice it would be to just swan off without a worry for a week or two. I just tell myself the perks of being the resident parent are far better than a few carefree holidays anyway so I just let him get on with his selfish twatty self grin

sailorsdelight Wed 20-Mar-19 22:38:37

OP you’re in here calling the father of your child a ‘selfish twunt’ Over this so I think = that’s over-reacting. Particularly as you apparently sarent bovvered by what he does.

sailorsdelight Wed 20-Mar-19 23:45:09

There’s more advantages to being the custodial parent than not for the most part.

Livelovebehappy Thu 21-Mar-19 00:15:22

Yes absolutely a selfish Twunt, but hey ho this is normal behaviour for most ex-h’s unfortunately. They think they’re just providing you with free childcare.

Walkingdeadfangirl Thu 21-Mar-19 00:21:21

If you shared residency jointly then he would be a selfish cunt. But you are the resident parent and he just gets to see his DC occasionally. He can hardly be blamed when he sees his role as a bit part. You cant have you cake and eat it, to borrow a phrase.

Livelovebehappy Thu 21-Mar-19 00:27:39

walkingdeadfangirl and where does OP state it’s her decision exh only sees ds twice a week? Quite possibly the decision to play a ‘bit part’ in his ds life is his. Usually the case IME.

Walkingdeadfangirl Thu 21-Mar-19 00:45:23

Livelovebehappy Yes I made an assumption about how the situation came about. But in 99% of MN threads like these the the mother is always insistent that they get residency and the advice is always to stop exDH getting residency/contact.

But however it came about it doesn't change the facts that having residency means you are the main carer and everyone else is secondary.

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