Am I taking advantage of my boyfriend? (money related)(117 Posts)
New boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s. We met just before Christmas, so the relationship is very new. We have both been swept up in it and it has been a complete whirlwind. Despite it only being 4 months we have both said that we love each other. We have amazing chemistry in every way. We've talked about the future, getting married, children, moving in with one another. We speak about one another as 'us'.
I know it seems too fast but I have never felt this way about anyone, nor has he. We very much feel as though we have both met 'the one' and have told one another this.
Without being too outing, he is in a very high position within a well known company and earns a very high salary - six figures. I earn a fraction of that amount. And I mean a fraction. He lives a very different life style to my own and wants to share that with me. He takes us to very expensive restaurants, bars, experiences - and though I always offer to pay half - he always pays as he knows it would be a struggle financially for me. He says is happy to pay because he wants us to do these things together. I will pay for what I can afford - a couple of drinks when we go out, cook him a nice meal when he is over, pay for the taxi, buy him little gifts etc. But I will admit it is disproportionate.
We have arranged to go on holiday with one another. It is something that I would love but is very much out of my price range, which I explained before the holiday was booked. I offered lots of alternatives for where we could go that would be cheaper and I could comfortably afford to pay half. He insisted that he wanted to take me to the best place as its our first holiday together, and I can just contribute whatever I can afford, not to worry about it because he sees it as a shared pot anyway. So he went ahead and booked the holiday, I am contributing but its a nominal amount in comparison.
I met up with some friends today for coffee and told them about upcoming holiday. They were all absolutely aghast that I had let this go ahead. That I should have insisted on the cheaper holiday, and I am taking advantage of him. That I need to scrape together, by hook or by crook, the money to pay my half. I do not feel like I am taking advantage, it's hard to explain to people that aren't in the relationship we are in. But I am worried about the perception that others will have - particularly his friends and family who I am yet to meet!!
If he is insistent than you aren't taking advantage. You suggested cheaper and he said no. Thats it.
Ooh, I feel a bit torn on this. I can understand him footing the bill if you were married and had children together, but I'd be uncomfortable with accepting this level of financial contribution only 4 months in. And I don't think it will create the best impression to others, sorry.
Yeah if you are both happy and comfortable with the arrangement then so what?!? Let them pass comment for now. People always have an opinion! Enjoy your holiday OP.
I don’t meant to be braggy but I am your boyfriend. I earn a heck of a lot more than my husband, and have done since we got together (he was unemployed).
Honestly, sometimes I befrudge it. But it’s only a very small fraction of the time. The thing is, I have worked hard to get to where I am now. Although I run a business with my husband it’s mostly for MY benefit - I get to spend time with him when I want because he doesn’t have to go to work.
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve worked and do work hard, I’ve lived a life of poverty and penny pinching (sorry not saying you’re in poverty, but I was, including homelessness) so now that I have money I want to spend it on things I want.
If I was in this situation I wouldn’t want to be on a cheaper holiday, I would want to spoil my husband (and I do!) but also treat myself.
Regardless of whether this is long term, marriage material or a nice relationship for now, I hope you don’t feel too guilty.
These days my husband contributes in a non-financial way. He does admin for the business, keeps me calm when I have anxiety and keeps our house looking great.
Have a great holiday!
Don't give it a second thought. If you were the one on the six figure salary you'd want to treat him, wouldn't you?
Be happy. Enjoy each other.
I reckon your friends are probably a tad jealous. Enjoy your holiday and don’t give what others think a second thought!
Your friends are idiots.
If he's happy with this arrangement then let him!
Think of all the posters on here in the opposite position - a high earning, stingy man who makes them go halfers all the time. That's not being in a couple. That's being two people with benefits (mostly his).
It sounds like he wants to share his life and success with you. I'd count yourself hugely lucky, and enjoy it
Not as extreme a difference but I’ve had this when I was working full time and dating a student. I would pay, but from selfish reasons because I wanted to go to those places and I wanted to experience them with him. I wouldn’t have been as happy doing things on his budget.
He's made it very clear that he's happy to pay, and that he wants to spoil you. As long as you're both happy with the situation, who gives a stuff what anyone else thinks.
Sounds like your friends are a bit jealous OP. I know I bloody am 😂 Enjoy your holiday!
Pinkgin has said it much better and shorter than my ramble!
The first part reminded me of me and my husband who are now 5 years in and married with a baby. When you know you know. If he’s happy to share and you contribute what you can I don’t see a problem
I can't see a problem if he's happy with it. You're not taking advantage as you've offered alternatives and want to pay your half of everything. He's chosen to pay for the holiday and it's up to him what he spends his money on. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyway? They're probably jealous.
As long as you know you're not taking advantage then don't listen to what "they" say.
I think it’s fine! DH earns way more than me, so when we first got together we tended to take turn about paying, but the payer got to choose what we did- so on my turns it was walls&visits to coffee shops, dinner at the local,cinema, or getting a take away kind of things, he would pick fancy restaurants. When we had similar holiday situations, one time I payed for flights and he paid accommodation and another we paid the equivalent- for example, cost of the holiday to him was 1 months wage, which was nearly my annual salary, so I paid one month of my wage if you see what I mean?
Of course you're not taking advantage of him. You offered alternatives where you could pay half and he chose not to go for those. He wants to spend his money, it's his choice.
If hes happy to pay the lions share take no notice of your friends, my now partner and i were this at the begining i was living on fresh air no spare money at all he earns good money and when we first got together he paid the lions share of us going out and was quite happy to do so, now we live together i put in proportionate to my wages for living costs but do all the housework as he still earns a lot more than i do but now we live together i have more disposable income, so holidays and going to places like gigs i can afford to pay my half
I could never be with someone who had a very disproportionate income to mine. I know that I would resent it over time.
Is 6 figures £100,000 or more like £600,000?
I wouldn't judge you at all. Would you do the same for him? Probably! He's happy to pay, so I don't think you're taking advantage. You're not being manipulative or deceptive. It sounds sound like your friends could be a little envious.
My close friend met her boyfriend and they moved into a house 4 months after meeting, now they're happily married with a DC so it happens! Sometimes when you know, you know.
You know yourself that you’re not taking advantage of him.
Don’t let it become an issue or it may come between you.
It's fine. Not sure I would be referring to it as a 'shared pot' 4 months in...and I'd be cautious about a man who did.
This is exactly the situation I was in when I met DH 14 years ago. He insisted on treating me and it felt weird as I'd never known anyone with that level of income. Fast forward to now and I have been a SAHM to 2 DC but now work PT, we live in a house DH pays for and he foots most of the bills. I use the money I earn to pay for holidays and stuff for me. He has never once said he's unhappy about this and in fact insists our money is ours, that we're a unit etc.
I wonder if your friends are like I was, independent, feminist, reluctant to be seen as a kept woman etc, as was I. I understand their position however I think if you really see a future with him then go for it - you'll contribute in your own way as time goes on.
Of course you should enjoy it. Anyone who has a go isn't making sense.
'Golddigger' is a word used by people who hate women.
If he isn't prepared to do cheaper things with you that's a worry. And yes friends and family may see you as a gold digger BUT he's offered to pay and is happy to source there's no real issue.
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