Siblings ???(10 Posts)
Hi I'm posting here as I've reached the end of my tether and wondering if I'm just being dramatic.
I have 2 older sisters whom I've never really got along with however now grown up and married with kids etc can be amicable when I see them as it's only when we go to my mums house and they're there.
For background I feel like they bullied me and were actually awful to me growing up being physically and mentally abusive whenever they felt like it. Picking on me for my appearance and trying to belittle me constantly and taking my confidence away, trying to get me in trouble and being just awful towards me.
Fast forward now, I am married with a son and one sister is married with kids the other not, so she lives with my mum. Whenever we see each other recently we get along. However since having my son I am obviously very fragile, they know I have PND. The sister with her own kids still constantly belittles me when she sees me and is constantly questioning my mothering choices and is just basically rude and cocky even in front of my husband. She is an awful human being but like I said I just tolerate her and don't argue because I know there's no point. The other sister who lives with my mum is usually ok however the other day started arguing with me, like she used to when we were kids. Blaming me for things saying she didn't understand how I have friends, and accusing me of being jealous of her which by the way I'm not. She picked on my insecurities and has taken a lot of joy knowing I now have PND and also am back to being the same insecure person I was when I was younger. I have lost a lot of confidence and my appearance isn't what it used to be. Anyway her hideous actions took me back to my younger years when she was awful to me and on my journey back home I began remembering the awful times and had a panic attack. I now don't wish to go to my mums knowing she will be there as she always is. How do I tell my mum without upsetting her? My mum has been great with me and my son but even her actions brought back awful memories for me, as when my sister was being awful my mum kept sushing me so I couldn't stick up for myself. Little does she know I don't have the energy to stick up for myself and in that moment I wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
Oh my gosh im so sorry you were made to feel this way.
I think for the sake of your own mental health, it's high time you go NC. Your mum will have no choice BUT to understand that this is something you have to do.
PND is awful and anyone who refuses to understand it and instead sees it as ammunition to throw in your face, needs to be cut out of your life.
Let mum know that you don't need this from your own family and you only want to see her when your sis isnt there or ypur mum is more than welcome to meet you out for coffee etc or come to yours to visit. If she gets upset then so be it.
Your kids need a happy mum. Not one who is still being emotionally abused whilst so vulnerable, by her own family.
Also OP, are you getting any help and support for the PND?x
Thank you for your reply @BunsOfAnarchy 😊
My mum knows how upset I feel and sometimes she's seen me totally broken at my lowest so I don't think she'll be too shocked but she will be upset. She can't go out much but I think meeting her outside of her house would be the best option.
My Dr has referred me for counselling for my PND as I have a lot of issues surrounding my childhood which I just ignored and didn't address. The way I dealt with the trauma was to try and forget and not think or talk about it. But since having a baby of my own all those feelings and emotions have resurfaced. It's destroying me.
I just feel so anxious around my sisters as the only way they know how to behave is to be degrading or bitchy to me. And I stay quiet but it stays on my mind afterwards.
Go NC with the awful sister. Unfollow her on social media, block her messages there doesn't have to be a big drama just withdrawn for your own sanity.
As for the sister at home, well she is probably reflecting her own disappointment on you. The younger bullied sister has flown the nest, found love and had children. But it's never okay to drag someone down to make yourself feel better. Stop confiding in her, ask your mum to come to your place or suggest going for a walk to the park as the two never get to spend time together.
They sound absolutely awful, what horrible things to say and do to you, especially at such an emotional point in your life. You are better off without them.
I'm a happy only child with a happy only child. When people make horrible comments about my daughter not having siblings, I wish they could read threads like this.
Hope things get better soon for you OP.
I'm glad you are getting referral and support for this. It's vital you don't keep this inside;
But since having a baby of my own all those feelings and emotions have resurfaced. It's destroying me.
It'll be hard, but now it is the time to let it out. Go NC with both sis, and then talk this all through during your counselling session, the feelings you had when you were younger and how you're feeling the same way again. It may be cathartic and it may help you attain some form of clarity going forward.
Sometimes, turning that hurt into anger can be positive. You are no longer a victim. You are a mother. A very, very loving and nurturing mother. Nobody can ever or should ever dare question how you raise your children. Find that fire. You will never allow your children to feel how your sisters made you feel.
You will do this OP. You will. Don't doubt yourself any longer. And no longer will u ever need to hear the bullshit those horrible, horrible sisters spew your way.
Hi OP, I also have a toxic sibling who tormented me throughout childhood and has continued to belittle me into adult/motherhood. I've recently started having CBT (including deepest trauma therapy) to help me through this and it's really eye opening, even to my surrounding relationships (parents etc).
Sometimes, especially with family, it's easier said then done to go completely no contact, as much as we would like to, but you can always distance and grey rock yourself when you have to be around.
Have you considered some CBT? I'm finding that it's slowly helping me understand how my siblings mind works as well as understanding the true nature of our relationship and most importantly how strong I truly am. You are strong too. I really recommend you also get some help, take back control
Thank you so much for your responses. I feel so much better now, literally currently teary eyed knowing I am not in fact being dramatic.
Thanks for all the advice. CBT didn't really work well for me, I don't know why but I'm hoping seeing a counsellor will help. I am trying to be strong and feel so much better not seeing or thinking about them. Even if I avoid them I know they won't care or change their behaviour but at least I'll feel better.
I've actually just rang my mum and said let's go out tomorrow instead of me going to her house and she was totally understanding.
I think when I'm not in a strong point in my life I just want to be around ppl who will support me and not say or do nasty unhelpful things.
Toxic siblings are the worst and I've suffered at every stage of my life, including wedding day, graduation etc.
Just call her a cunt and be done with it. She's awful no point having her in your life at all.
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