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To ask how I stop being abusive

(9 Posts)
NCforpoo Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:09

DH is the love of my life. I've complained he doesn't offer me any compliments or make me feel special but he is kind, he is considerate, he is a wonderful dad. I know he always has my back.
We've had our troubles- and he I know is not happy. But he recently said something that just hit me to the core. He said he's scared of me.
He comes from a family who sulk when angry, never shout, never really express emotions, and let things fester.
whereas I come from an Italian very expressive family- if we are angry everyone knows but it does down really quickly.
He thinks I shouldn't shout when angry. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I can't help it. But I should be able to help it
How can I stop being naggy and shouting when things go wrong? I criticise much more than I compliment ( we both do) but while I don't think he does a lot to make me feel good, he doesn't do much to make me feel bad. But I do stuff to make him feel good but equally do and say stuff that makes him feel bad.
How do i stop being abusive to him? I don't even realise I'm doing it!

Myheartbelongsto Wed 20-Mar-19 13:57:36

It doesn't sound like you're abusive op, just very vocal maybe.

You've recognised there's a problem and are going to deal with it so well done you.

Maybe you need anger mgmt?

LemonTT Wed 20-Mar-19 13:57:43

Shouting in the British culture is mainly seen to be an expression of anger and aggression. Sulking is seen as an expression of offence and passive aggression. Both are seen as bullying behaviours. Unless you both accept and agree this without equivocation neither of you will move on within your relationship or indeed life in the UK.
As to giving compliments, it is a learned behaviour. You both need to practice it and respond to it positively.

Purpleartichoke Wed 20-Mar-19 14:00:32

At our house, adults can put themselves in time out. That doesn’t mean go off and sulk and give your family the silent treatment. That means, announce that you need 10-15 minutes to get yourself together and quiet the irrational part of your brain.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 20-Mar-19 14:02:01

I dont think you are abusive either.

Rather someone with a bit of passion than a sulky, cold fish.

There is shouting (loud) and then there's shouting (right up in your face volatile) , the latter not so good.

ScarletBitch Wed 20-Mar-19 14:04:40

Walk away when you can feel things building up, go take yourself out of the equation because it is going to destroy your relationship if you continue.

IncrediblySadToo Wed 20-Mar-19 14:06:31

You can be shouty without being abusive and you can be abusive without being shouty.

You can also be shouty and sulky and a bunch of other stuff without being abusive. It’s FAR too easily said these days.

Do not let his way of (not) dealing with stuff become the ‘right’ way and yours the ‘wrong’ way. His way is no better than yours - you need to discuss that and agree.

Then you either need to accept each other’s ways, or find a mutually agreeable way of dealing with your emotions.

You also need to deal with what’s causing the shouting or sulking.

AuntieDolly Wed 20-Mar-19 14:13:48

Do you shout at other people, or just him? Can you ‘control yourself’ at work or when out shopping?

NCforpoo Wed 20-Mar-19 14:42:18

I can control my emotions elsewhere. I don't shout at my DC or at work
But DH winds me up.
But he's scared of me. Surely that means I'm doing something very wrong. He doesnt scare easily.
I guess I need the time out method. But then I feel like I'm not being listened to.

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