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AIBU to think my OH should help out more with our DC?

(37 Posts)
IhaveaBigBum Wed 20-Mar-19 13:35:54

First time poster so please go easy on me. Apologies for the long post but trying not to drip feed.

I'm really struggling with looking after DS who is 5 months old. Im a first time mum and although I knew it would be hard, I have definitely had my eyes opened on just how hard!
Ds was planned, me and OH have been together nearly 7 years so having a child together was a mutual decision.

Oh was great at first, especially during the nightmare newborn phase but I feel like the novelty has worn off and he now avoids DS whenever he can.
Oh works shifts 4 days on and then 4 days off, so you would think that with 4 whole days off at a time we would see him a lot more than we do.
I keep asking for more help as I dont have any family or friends who live near me so I feel like I'm stuck to my son 24/7 as breastfeeding and he won't accept a bottle. I haven't slept a full night for 5 months, but OH gets a full night every night in the guest room.
I asked OH if he could take baby on a morning just one day a week once he has woke up and been fed so I can have an hour or two sleep but all I got was the horrified response that he needs to go to the gym in the morning to get it out of the way for the day.
He has loads of hobbies and extra curricular activities to do with his work (all voluntary) and just doesn't want to compromise anything in his life.
He says he is tired all the time since DS arrived and that his gym life is suffering which I really find hard to understand as he gets a full nights uninterrupted sleep every night and probably spends about 2 to 3 hours a week in total with his son.
In the 5 months since he was born he has taken him out twice in his pram and out to the shops twice to give me a break. One of these occasions I could hear DS screaming from down the street only for him to turn up a few minutes later with his headphones on so he didn't have to listen to him cry. I was gobsmacked he didn't even try to comfort him and embarrassed in case the neighbours saw.
Ds isnt an awful baby but he is hard work. He seems miserable and shouts/ whinges constantly and needs entertaining nearly constantly which is exhausting and if I'm honest I am starting to struggle. Something has to give!
Am sat here in floods of tears as its my birthday and OH is off work, yet decided to do an acting course for his 4 days off as the price was reduced from £200 to £25 due to funding. He makes me out to be unreasonable whenever I try and explain to him how I'm feeling, and then told me he has PND... He has since taken this back but it really annoyed me that he said that.
Having a baby has been harder than either of us expected but I genuinely thought we would be a team together and while he works full time it should be 50/50 on his days off.
I feel like he contributes nothing to my life except stress.
Am I being unreasonable?

BadPennyNoBiscuit Wed 20-Mar-19 13:39:18

Yanbu. See if you can find some counselling, because he sounds like he isn't engaged with the relationship, and his behaviour is escalating and on he way to becoming abusive.
You might get some better advice if you ask MN to move this to Relationships.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:09

YANBU, it wouldn't kill him to cut back on some classes and take the baby for a walk in a carrier, its still exercise.

Fingers crossed things will get easier, mine seemed easier once she could sit up on her own and play with some toys while I made a cup of tea or something. That said no excuse for him not helping out.

Babdoc Wed 20-Mar-19 13:49:52

OP it sounds like your DH has completely checked out of the
relationship. To leave you crying on your birthday while he swans off on an acting course, and to put headphones on to ignore his crying child instead of comforting him, speaks volumes about his feelings - or lack of them - for his family.
He seems to want the life of a single man, with unfettered hobbies, gym etc and no emotional commitment or practical demands on his time at home.
I think he needs a kick in the pants and a major wake up call. Either he shapes up as a husband and father or you throw him out. Because at present he is contributing nothing to your life except distress.

Whatafustercluck Wed 20-Mar-19 13:52:20

Yanbu. But please stop referring to it as helping you out. You both made your ds, you both raise him, working together. So he can't breastfeed, there are plenty of other things your oh could be doing to contribute to raising his child and keeping a home. Ffs. Put your foot down now or it'll only get worse. I'm sorry but the newborn phase is comparatively easy - how will he deal with a tantruming toddler running around requiring full on attention? Babies lie where you leave them, older children move and cause chaos.

Babooshkar Wed 20-Mar-19 13:54:42

YANBU and underneath it all you probably know that. This is completely unacceptable behaviour on his part and you need to sit down and have a proper calm discussion with him - clearly explaining how you feel and your expectations of him and how to move forward. I would have specific requirements of his time which give you time off.

He needs to get his head around being a parent now, not later, or this will only get worse. Don’t fall into the trap of expecting him to change and suddenly realise he’s being a selfish arsehole.

Sorry OP, totally shit situation for you. :/

WeepingWillowWeepingWino Wed 20-Mar-19 13:55:19

well, he's pissed off out of family life, hasn't he? What a useless specimen. Don't put up with this, or I guarantee you'll be here in a year, or 3 or 5 years time having put up with this crap all that time.

(And can I just say this - not specifically to you bit in general - men and their hobbies can fuck right off.)

Bottom line - either he pulls his weight or he's a dead weight, and you and your child don't need to be dragged down by that.

And, and for God's sake, double and triple check your contraception, you do not want to be having another child with this deadbeat. Though personally I wouldn't be having him anywhere near me.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit?

KatharinaRosalie Wed 20-Mar-19 13:57:35

YANBU. How much time do you get for your gym and hobbies?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 20-Mar-19 13:59:07

What an arsehole. Honestly. Selfish horrible man child.

His lack of parenting is bad enough but to bugger off on your birthday? Just heartless.

I asked OH if he could take baby on a morning just one day a week once he has woke up and been fed so I can have an hour or two sleep but all I got was the horrified response that he needs to go to the gym in the morning to get it out of the way for the day.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Tell him to go to the gym earlier or later. You need to sit down with him and tell him seriously that he needs to step up and actually be a parent, or just go.

Set out quite clearly when you expect him to step in and give you a break. Do not ask him to 'help'. You are asking him to do his fair share of parenting and responsibilities.

I'm fuming on your behalf that he thinks it's OK to treat you like this!

Sexnotgender Wed 20-Mar-19 14:00:55

YANBU. You may as well be a single parent!

Appalling behaviour to wear headphones so you can’t hear your child cry.

Having a child is HARD. My little one is 6 weeks and he’s very chilled but it’s still hard work.

Your ‘D’P is being an utter arsehole and needs to either step up or fuck off. He’s not willing to compromise anything in his life by the sounds of it. What a poor specimen of a man he is.

Happy Birthday OPflowersgin I hope you take this as a chance to re-evaluate your relationship. He clearly doesn’t value you.

Drogosnextwife Wed 20-Mar-19 14:05:31

YANBU, I would be bloody fuming and would probably tell him if he wants to be a parent then he needs to actually do some parenting, if not he should bugger off. He is being a selfish arse.

LorelaiRoryEmily Wed 20-Mar-19 14:07:09

Happy birthday OPflowers that’s one horribly selfish, lazy, inconsiderate “man” you’ve got yourself there.
You shouldn’t have to ask him to help you. It’s his baby too. Do you have family nearby? Could you go and stay with your parents for a few days? Leave him and his pnd to themselves. What an absolute dick

AgentCooper Wed 20-Mar-19 14:09:14

Oh this is not OK at all OP. Not at all. I can imagine you’re shattered and would benefit from a big hug.

My DS is 17 months and has never slept through. DH takes him on Saturday and Sunday mornings to let me sleep a couple of hours as i deal with all the nights. We both work - him FT, me 3 days. He recently got in a mood with me about why he never gets a lie in and I told him that when he starts helping at night he can have a lie in then.

This should not be a one person enterprise - your DS has two parents. If he really is depressed then that’s an awful thing to be going through but he needs to take some steps towards getting help - go to the GP for starters.

But this nonsense with all the hobbies is not OK. None of this is fair on you. If you are really struggling you could contact Home Start to see if any local volunteers could take the wee one while you get a couple of hours’ sleep. You shouldn’t have to, but if needs must.

Happy birthday IhaveaBigBum flowers There will be better ones than this.

AnotherEmma Wed 20-Mar-19 14:10:00

I would ask him to leave.
He is not showing an ounce of love or respect for you.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Wed 20-Mar-19 14:12:02

I have absolutely no time for men who think they're entitled to enjoy the security and comfort of family life without any of the responsibility or sacrifice that comes with it. If you want the freedom to do exactly as you please with no thought for anyone else then just stay single and child free! But you can't have it both ways.

Don't put up with this, OP. He's being a selfish twat.

I would sit him down and tell him (don't ask, tell him) that he needs to do more. Tell him that he's been neglecting you and his Baby, thinking only of himself, and that you're disappointed you're even having to have this conversation as he should want to parent his child and spend time with his partner. Tell him exactly, in no uncertain terms, what needs to change so he can't accuse you of expecting him to read your mind. Tell him you need time to yourself on a regular basis and agree how and when this will happen. Tell him that he is not the only one who needs sleep and that you will be having a lie in on two out of four of his rest days while he looks after baby. Tell him that being 'tired' is no excuse for refusing to parent his child (do you get to use that excuse??) so if he's tired then he needs to drop some of his gym sessions or other hobbies, not opt out of childcare.

Personally, I would be telling him that if he couldn't agree to the above (which isn't exactly asking a lot, just what a Father should do for his wife and child anyway out of choice) then I would be leaving but that's obviously up to you.

RomanyQueen1 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:13:29

I'd be telling him to go, no decent parent behaves like this.
He shouldn't be helping you, he should be helping himself to parent, he made your child too.
Even when we haven't had money my dh has spoiled me on my birthday. I'd spend the day bagging his stuff and leaving it outside.
You both deserve better than this excuse for a husband and father. thanks

kittens876 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:14:28

Ergh! What a tool! He needs to be doing his fair share. Not buggering off whenever he feels like it! How rubbish! The problem is, this behaviour will only get worse. It’s a shape up or ship out situation I think. You need to be blunt with him and tell him He is doing X, Y and Z so that he can start to be an actual parent! I’m so sorry you’re going through this xxx

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Wed 20-Mar-19 14:16:15

My ex did the four days on four days off shift.

Never lifted a finger. He was tired. But as with yours... give up the gym? NO WAY! Give up hobbies? NO WAY! He needs a life too didnt you know that?

Then its one of his mates' birthdays/sporting event on tv/family needs him and he has to go out because he promised?

And he's depressed because this is all a lot and he needs his outlets.

After all, it was your choice to have the baby.

My ex is an ex for a reason. Would go to the opening of an envelope to get out of doing anything domestic. It doesnt get better. Maybe Im cynical, but youre already being a single mum- the nice thing when its official is that you dont spend all your time trying to cajole them into doing things, and get to enjoy being a parent.

He sounds like a complete and utter waste of space and headtime.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Wed 20-Mar-19 14:17:21

Oh, and its not called 'helping out' its called 'being a parent'.

What a tool.

ScarletBitch Wed 20-Mar-19 14:20:15

Tell him to leave, you are clearly doing the job of both parents, what are you getting out of the relationship by staying?

Is he a Firefighter by any chance just with the 4 days on 4 days off shift pattern? Not relevant I know but could he be suffering from depression or ptsd at all?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Wed 20-Mar-19 14:24:53

could he be suffering from depression or ptsd at all?

If so it's very convenient that his mental illness doesn't interfere with his work, his hobbies or his social life at all. The only thing it stops him doing is parenting his child!

RoryLeighGilmore Wed 20-Mar-19 14:25:35

It's not helping you out, it's not your job to raise them singlehandedly.
He's just not being a parent, or doing any of his fair share of tasks. What a useless waste of space man child.

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 20-Mar-19 14:30:50

A fucking acting course?! A 4 fucking day acting course.
We all know that was done with no other reason that to escape from any family responsibility for his off days.
And on your birthday too.

What an utter gobshite. Every day there are threads on here where men don't think anything about their life should change after having kids.

Happy birthday op. cake

mrsk28 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:31:38

YANBU! So sorry you have to put up with this OP. Currently pregnant with my first and can't imagine my DH suddenly acting like that once baby arrives. Especially since your baby was planned by both of you.

You shouldn't ask him will he watch the baby so you can sleep in the morning when he's off. You feed the baby and tell him you're going back to bed, I don't see why his gym time trumps the needs of the family. He's not child free anymore and needs to accept that. Also could you pump a bottle that he could give baby first thing and you don't get up at all?

I would have a very serious conversation with him about how the baby is a 50/50 responsibility and not something he gets to just leave with you while he lives life the way he wants. And I'm not even going to comment on the fact that he has left you alone and upset on your birthday because I don't know what to say!

Wallsbangers Wed 20-Mar-19 14:32:17

What a dick. You're better off without him tbh.

If you think it's worth salvaging then he needs to a) go the drs for his depression b) have an open and honest conversation with you about what needs doing and divide the tasks up between you

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