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To think taking chocolates round to someone trying to lose a lot of weight

(67 Posts)
TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 13:30:53

Is the same as taking a bottle to am recovering alcoholics house?

Mil keeps doing this. We don’t mention we are dieting (me and dp) but we have lost a lot of weight.

I have a lot of demons around food. It’s taken me a lot of therapy and help to get to even where I am now (along long way to go!) she knows the issues I have around food.

Yet I feel like she wants to see us fail. We don’t see her often but when we do she brings things like- that giant ostrich Easter egg from Aldi for me and dp, left over bowls of mashed potatoes, cold pasta etc just anything she doesn’t want to waste.

Today she’s turned up with a cardboard box full to the rim of kinder chocolates/eggs, buttons, milky ways etc. A good £20 worth of chocolates!

We or the kids don’t need that much chocolate. We tell her but she doesn’t listen 😩😩

Most of the stuff that’s not opened we donate to the food bank.

But it is bloody disrespectful I think when we’ve told her not too 😩
I can’t even blame it on being a loving nanny who wants to spoil her grandkids because she normally cba with them at all and has zero bond with them.

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Mar-19 13:38:08

Yes YABU. Part of the struggle to loose weight is not to eat every piece of foodstuff you come across. Bin it or give it away if you cant avoid temptation.

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 13:39:59

But in my own house should be a safe haven where I don’t have to constantly worry about it..

TapasForTwo Wed 20-Mar-19 13:40:53

Have you actually asked her not to?

Stayawayfromitsmouth Wed 20-Mar-19 13:41:04

Who wants someone else's leftovers? How bizarre.
Perhaps you do need to say you are on a diet to get her to stop.
Suggest alternative gifts to food for her?

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 13:42:14

Yes we tell her all the time 😩😩

Honestly the left overs are from her work too, it makes me gag. I’m really funny about things like that 😩

FATEdestiny Wed 20-Mar-19 13:44:09

My MIL is similar. I've lost 8 stone, DH has lost 6 stone.

Since we lost weight she's started baking and bringing cakes around to us. She didn't used to when we were obese.

Our thinking is that she views our weight loss as a negative reflection of her own weight.

She's not big, but hovers around BMI 25-28 Whereas DH and I maintain at around BMI 22-23. She's vocal that we are "too thin" - but weren't not. We are just slimmer ( I prefer "healthier") and she sees that as a reflection on herself - that being any slimmer than she is cannot be ideal. So I suspect she's sabotaging.

We just smile and not. Have a small slice and give the rest to the kids over the week

Hamsternauts Wed 20-Mar-19 13:45:09

The leftovers I would hand back to her when she leaves until she gets the message.

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 13:45:39

I’m glad it’s not just my mil!

I’m going to have to hide them. The Dc gave up chocolate for lent 😩

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:00

But you have a bin yes? And access to washing up liquid? So just squirt washing up liqyid on anything tou dont want and bin it. Much simpler than trying to rearrange your Mil's psyche.

BadPennyNoBiscuit Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:15

Yanbu, its a shitty thing to do. Its bullying, and its deliberate.
Turn her away if she turns up with leftover pasta. Because thats not a normal thing to do.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:27

I'd bin the left overs in front of her tbh, that's just grim. I bet your kids school would love the chocolate for tombolas at fairs.

BlueMerchant Wed 20-Mar-19 13:47:07

Don't accept. Help her carry the box back to the car.

Sirzy Wed 20-Mar-19 13:47:38

Part of sustainable weight loss is learning about moderation and controlling yourself. It’s the hardest part but it’s the only way to make it work long term.

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 13:49:12

I’m not at my goal yet (7 stone to go) else I would eat in moderation. Iv been doing so so well. Like a bite of something I fancy instead of binging and purging like I used too.

feelingverylazytoday Wed 20-Mar-19 13:50:50

Sirzy thats not true really. It's perfectly possible to live without chocolate.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Wed 20-Mar-19 13:50:57

Give them away, take them to work. I love baking but if I bake a dozen cupcakes we'll eat them all so I take them into work or DH does which means we have one each rather than half a dozen. Kinder eggs etc sound like they are for the children and if you don't want them to have them just say no thank you and give them back. Just because they are in your house you don't have to eat them. I day that as somebody who used to eat badly, I lost over five stone and kept it off until pregnancy (weight I'm currently in the process of losing DS is 15 weeks). If you don't change your mindset you'll never keep it off. Food is different to alcohol you have to eat, you don't have to drink alcohol, so you can't go food 'teetotal' you have to control what you eat

EssentialHummus Wed 20-Mar-19 13:51:33

Have you actually said “MIL, no more chocolate, we’re on a diet and it makes things harder”?

As to the chocolates - straight to the food bank.

MaryBoBary Wed 20-Mar-19 13:51:53

I would just say something like “no thank you MIL, we wouldn’t eat it, you have it as I’d hate to see it go straight in the bin”. That might put her off?

Ellisandra Wed 20-Mar-19 13:54:13

Did she do this before you were losing weight? (well done on that!)

You say you don’t see her often. I totally get your annoyance and YANBU (the work leftovers! Ugh!) but you need to learn to be around food. There’ll be work birthday cakes, meals out with friends... you can do this.

Refuse or bin leftovers.
Move chocolate to the garage (if you have one, out of the way, anyway) and drop to foodbank ASAP.

It’s not your mum - tell your husband to sort her out!!!!

Grace212 Wed 20-Mar-19 13:57:01

I think you will have to do the next step, as you've told her

so refuse it. Tell her you don't want the leftovers in the house.

with the unopened food that can go to the food bank, you can tell her "I'm just going to take this to the food bank, it would have been kinder if you had donated in the first place".

I had to do this with my parents over a couple of Christmases. They got insanely carried away, tried to leave all the extra food with me and I have to be super careful anyway because of various meds. So they know I can eat stuff occasionally and they'd be trying to give me a huge bunch of food that needed to be eaten within a few days.

they did see how mad it was when I took it straight to the food bank on 27th December.

AnnaMagnani Wed 20-Mar-19 14:14:25

Given you have told her and she still does it, you will have to start sending them back with her.

'Oh that's a lovely gesture but we don't eat them as we told you. I'll put them back in your car so you can take them back'

'What are we going to do with the leftovers? We did tell you not to bring anymore as we don't eat them? Do you think they will be safe for you to take back home having been out of the fridge this long? No - oh dear' - and then bin in front of her.

diddl Wed 20-Mar-19 14:15:38

Do children's homes/hospitals/old people's homes take Easter eggs?

Lweji Wed 20-Mar-19 14:15:44

left over bowls of mashed potatoes, cold pasta etc just anything she doesn’t want to waste.

That is plain weird. Why doesn't she keep it in her fridge and eat it as leftovers?

This, I'll have to disagree with:
We or the kids don’t need that much chocolate.

Sure, if she gives you huge amounts of chocolate all the time, but Easter chocolate can be eaten throughout the year. And... it's chocolate!
Or, yes, give it away to chocoholic friends (I'd give you my address, but it would involve international post grin).

You can also melt the chocolate (eg. egg) and bake something to give her. wink

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Wed 20-Mar-19 14:16:48

Do you by any chance live in East London? In which case I am standing ready to solve your chocolate problem.

Eliza9917 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:18:24

Honestly the left overs are from her work too, it makes me gag.

Where does she work, dare I ask.

HarrysOwl Wed 20-Mar-19 14:21:18

It's perfectly possible to live without chocolate

Not a life worth living.

lastqueenofscotland Wed 20-Mar-19 14:24:53

Bin the leftovers and take the chocolates to work or give away
The end

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Wed 20-Mar-19 14:26:46

YANBU to think she shouldn't be bringing chocolate and high cal. foods to your house. However, YABU to sound so helpless about it. Donate wrapped and sealed things to foodbank and bin/feed other leftovers to wildlife.

GraceMarks Wed 20-Mar-19 14:28:04

People who are saying that you just have to exercise self-control and not eat everything you see are missing the point and being unkind to boot. You have already exercised self-control by not buying the chocolate and cake yourself and not bringing them into your house. It's a different matter when somebody keeps bringing to you despite having been told not to. That's a shitty thing to do and she's getting away with it by disguising it as kindness/generosity.

You have to deal with weight loss and maintenance in your own way. For some people, that means simply avoiding the foods that you know you can't control yourself around. People who have never had a problem with compulsive eating can't understand that, and will ask why you can't just not eat it or only eat a moderate amount. But it doesn't affect anyone but you, so if you prefer to cut chocolate out than try to do that "eat one tiny square of good-quality 70% cocoa chocolate every day" shit that gets trotted out, then that's what you do.

And yes, I believe that what your MiL is doing is exactly like taking a bottle of vodka round to a recovering alcoholic, and expecting them to either not drink it or just have a little drink on a Friday evening. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't want her to palm off her leftovers on you any more. She needs to plan her cooking better so that she doesn't have so much left over in the first place - she's the one who's causing it to "go to waste", not you!

diddl Wed 20-Mar-19 14:39:25

*"Bin the leftovers and take the chocolates to work or give away
The end"*

I agree, but I also think that Op shouldn't have to do anything as MIL has been asked not to take them stuff.

The odd treat for the kids maybe-but a box of stuff?-who does that?

thecatsthecats Wed 20-Mar-19 14:48:04

Gracemarks - agreed. We had a serious biscuit problem in our office (think full packs evaporating twice a day), and a few of us decided that the biscuit tin should go in the downstairs kitchen so they wouldn't be right in our faces.

One utter cock made a huge song and dance about bringing it back, because he couldn't walk a single flight of stairs to get a biscuit when he wanted. The tin was returned angry. HE had the self control, so why shouldn't we?

Lo and behold, when this man gave up treats himself, biscuit purchase and consumption in the office plummeted practically overnight.

Anyone who wants to eat biscuits can do, but the kind thing to do is to support someone in their goals. Oh, and people ALWAYS think they are the exception.

"Oh, you're doing so well, you can break the diet for a night!"
"Yes Susan, I'm doing well BECAUSE I turn down the cake, and your sad victoria sponge isn't measuring up to the fish and chips I want tomorrow!"

Back on topic - OP, be really explicit. You haven't told MIL you don't want chocolate brought into the house because you're dieting. Set the reason out clearly. It will empower you to hand them back to her with a breezy 'sorry, didn't you get my message? we've cut these out' if she violates your wishes.

AnnieMay100 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:52:13

If you haven’t told her you’re dieting could she be concerned you’re unwell/can’t afford to eat so brings food in a helpful way but secretly worrying? I’d tell her you don’t have that food in the house and you appreciate it but can she stop and donate it instead. But I do agree with how you feel.

Bookworm4 Wed 20-Mar-19 15:01:02

I would hand them back and say 'I've repeatedly asked you not to bring food'
Who the fuck wants leftovers from her work? Yeuch 🤢

Nomorechickens Wed 20-Mar-19 15:11:11

'Left over mashed potato, I'll put it in the bin now, shall I?'
Chocolates? We'll keep these little ones for the children and send the rest to the food bank. Now, where's the bag for the food bank? I'll just put it in the car now so we're not tempted to eat them ourselves'

Siameasy Wed 20-Mar-19 15:13:46

I’m an ex binge eater so I get it and am ruthless. I see sugar and junk food exactly the same as drugs.
We recently were given loads of sweets and they have all gone in the bin-goodbye.
I’ve no qualms about chucking junk food out if there’s no where else to off load it. It’s hardly food is it-an Easter egg. As in, it’s not a meal for someone so would food banks even take it?
Thing is she’s an addict pushing her “drug” and you’re the bad guys rejecting her drug and her. Plus you’re reminding her she’s an addict with your refusal.

Defenbaker Wed 20-Mar-19 15:28:52

OP you're doing brilliantly, don't let her thoughtlessness/deliberate sabotage get to you. Whatever her reasons for this behaviour you're unlikely to change her, but you can change your response to it. I agree with others who have suggested being very firm re the leftovers, telling her that you absolutely will not eat other people's leftovers and she needs to take them home to eat them herself, if she is so bothered about food waste. If she refuses, bin it in front of her - every time.

Chocolate - well, it does keep, so just put it out of sight quickly so your not tempted. Then decide which is for children and which for food bank. Just a thought - maybe MIL is aware of her shortcomings as a nan and does this to compensate? Anyway don't let it get to you.

noworklifebalance Wed 20-Mar-19 15:35:49

Just say: "brilliant, thanks, the food bank really appreciate these when we take them over" and then leave them in the boot of the car/garage so they are out of sight

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 15:38:38

Il upload some pictures 😂

The first ones are when she emptied our snack jar and added it all to it.

If taken out most of the things and put in my cupboard for baking. I know if they are in there I won’t eat them as they are for work 😂

The rest Iv added 3 of each into the jar for the Dc with their normal snacks (raisins, biscuits etc).!


TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 15:39:15

Opps didn’t uplaod

LaurieMarlow Wed 20-Mar-19 15:39:29

YANBU op. You have to be really firm with her.

‘That’s a nice gesture, but as I’ve explained we’re being very careful about what we eat so I can’t possibly accept this. Why don’t you donate to a food bank/whatever?’

Press it back into her hands as she’s going. DON’T let her leave without it.

Ffs you shouldn’t be expected to be her bin/donation machine.

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 15:39:53

Ffs 🙈

Lweji Wed 20-Mar-19 15:40:28

You could donate the chocolates to the local library or doctor's office as a treat to the staff.

Or regift them to your children's teachers, bin people or post deliverers.

TheFunkyFox Wed 20-Mar-19 15:40:46

Oh they did upload😂

shiningstar2 Wed 20-Mar-19 15:44:31

Well done you and your husband for persevering and losing so much weight. It is far from easy and lots of dieters give up half way. The benefits in health and self esteem of feeling and looking better are massive and too important to give up in order to be tactful to your mil.

I would bin the left over stuff immediately in front of her while she is there. Thanks mil but we don't need this. I have already planned today's meals and this stuff will be off by tomorrow and to be honest it's not what we eat anyway.

Sweets ext. Thanks mil. I will keep a packet each for the children but we are working on healthy eating as a family so don't want a lot of this kind of stuff in the house. Do you want to take it back home with you or shall I put it with the supermarket food bank stuff when I next go?

It is a form of passive aggression to keep bringing this stuff if you have asked her not to. Whatever her agenda is yours and your family's health and wellbeing is too important to allow her control of what you eat. Do keep going with your wonderful determined efforts.

LaurieMarlow Wed 20-Mar-19 15:44:45

You could donate the chocolates to the local library or doctor's office as a treat to the staff.

Well she could.

But presumably the OP has enough to be doing without running round dropping off chocolates she didn’t buy to people she has has no reason to gift chocolates to in the first place.

Lweji Wed 20-Mar-19 15:46:25

OK, the ones she already has.
I wouldn't run around. Just keep them in the car until I needed to go there or went by.
This is as an alternative to the food bank or bin (what a waste!).

EllaEllaE Wed 20-Mar-19 15:49:47

yeah, I'm with Lweji. Sure, you can run around donating them to places and that's a lovely gesture. But a more direct gesture to stop them being purchased in the first place is to put them straight into the bin while your MIL is there, after giving her the option of taking them home instead.

PettyContractor Wed 20-Mar-19 15:51:34

You could donate the chocolates to the local library or doctor's office as a treat to the staff.

Comments like this are missing the point, that as with alcoholics and alcohol, not having the stuff in the house in the first place is a huge aide in not consuming them.

If people could just make a one-off decision to stop consuming, which they never wavered from, they wouldn't have had a problem in the first place.

FuckertyBoo Wed 20-Mar-19 15:56:24


Well done on losing 8 stone! That’s an amazing amount to have lost.

Assuming your mil is over 60? And that you are not, she is probably the right weight to be healthy. There is some evidence, I am told, that once you hit 60, it is healthier to be a wee bit overweight. Like bmi of 26 or so. Before that, 22-23 is ideal. So she’s wrong on both counts;

A) she’s wrong that you are “too thin”. You are almost certainly not.

B) she is probably wrong to feel as if she is too heavy. She may not be.

ALongHardWinter Wed 20-Mar-19 15:59:03

I sympathise OP. To some people,knowing that someone is trying to lose weight is like a red rag to a bull. My late DM was always doing this if she knew I was trying to lose weight,with the comment 'Oh just a little bit/just one won't hurt'. No,I'm sure it wouldn't,but that's not the point. The point is that if I eat one chocolate,or a tiny slice of cake,it will leave me caving more,and my resolve will crumble. So in my case,it was best not to even have a taste. In the end,I kept it quiet if I was on a diet.

ALongHardWinter Wed 20-Mar-19 15:59:55

craving not caving!

Stuckforthefourthtime Wed 20-Mar-19 16:00:57

Agree with putting them back in her car, or giving them to the food bank (don't squirt washing up liquid on them, I grew up short of cash and the thought of people doing that in this country while so many kids go hungry is a bit horrible).

To help with general challenges Brain Over Binge is an amazing book. I can now keep biscuits in the house again!

AmIRightOrAMeringue Wed 20-Mar-19 16:01:20

I'm not trying to lose weight but when we get given stuff like that we don't want it gets taken into work - wither mine or husbands. It goes in minutes!

Lweji Wed 20-Mar-19 16:01:53

See... I could never bin chocolates. Even to make a point.

cranstonmanor Wed 20-Mar-19 16:02:46

Either bin them or have a pact with a hungry neighbour that you'll bring the spoils around the second that she has left.

lilabet2 Wed 20-Mar-19 16:23:39

Do you think she meant to give them to the kids? They look like chocolates you'd give to a child rather than an adult. I would bag them up in an opaque bag, wrap cellotape around the bag (to make it more difficult to open!) and put them in the car, ready to go to the food bank.

GraceMarks Wed 20-Mar-19 16:30:59

PettyContractor of course, why didn't the OP think of that hmm

The OP has already made the decision to not eat these things. She does this by not having the things in the house to tempt her, which has obviously been working because she has lost a lot of weight. The MiL then drives a big bulldozer through her resolve by bringing a fuckton of chocolates into the house. People aren't robots, if you have problems with binge eating and impulse control it's not as easy as just not eating stuff that makes you fat. Did you read the OP that she had had to undergo therapy?

Honestly. The fact that you have been able to overcome your food issues even to this stage is a big achievement, OP. Why do some people have to jump in and insist that you're doing it wrong because you're not doing it the way THEY think you ought to?

edgen2019 Wed 20-Mar-19 16:38:39

Despite my friend knowing that I am losing weight successfully she still buys me a huge bag of sweets every week, and wont take no thankyou for an answer so I pass them onto the foodbank

picklemepopcorn Wed 20-Mar-19 16:48:29

It's awful, and really unhelpful. It annoys me when people pop up and say "you have to learn to say no , everything in moderation, blah blah blah".

Does she come when the kids are home? Call them over and say "kids, pick a treat from Granny's bag, she'll be taking it all home later as we can't possibly eat all that".

Nickname her granny 'choc a lot'.

Say things in a jokey way like "are you trying to kill us?" "Diabetes here we come" etc.

Push back. She isn't respecting your boundaries, so you have to be pushier!

feelingverylazytoday Wed 20-Mar-19 16:59:47

You could donate the chocolates to the local library or doctor's office as a treat for the staff
Why would they want them particularly? There might be people in the same position as the OP.

outpinked Wed 20-Mar-19 17:01:23

My DGM is like this. If you have the right willpower you’ll be able to give the food back to her or to someone else. Losing and maintaining weight is all down to willpower.

thecatsthecats Wed 20-Mar-19 17:09:39

Why would they want them particularly? There might be people in the same position as the OP.

Good point. Our office is literally chocka (lol) with unwanted eggs after Easter.

I have developed great wilpower and self control - to not buy the damn stuff in the first place! Having lost 4st, I think it's a bit bizarre that people think they can tell me when I can/cannot eat for my diet when it's obviously working. (My mum is a bugger for this, frowning at my big meals when at theirs - which I have planned and exercised for, and are my treat for the week, if not month!)

Lweji Wed 20-Mar-19 17:25:01

The staff could always offer them to people coming by, or put them next to the diabetes leaflets. Or on the health section of the library.

SurgeHopper Wed 20-Mar-19 17:28:24

She's trying to sabotage your diet. Tell her to stop bringing shit food round to your place. If she does again, stop her at the door and tell her to leave it in the car.

She obviously does not respect you at all.

BloodyDisgrace Wed 20-Mar-19 17:30:03

Is your MIL overweight?...
Good luck, by the way.

Tartanwarrior Wed 20-Mar-19 19:30:43

Perhaps be clear that you will just give it all away, so her money will be wasted.

I once had a friend bring me KFC when I was veggie. I was pg and craving protein. She was a really good veggie cook, so was def sabotaging. I feel your pain!

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