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How to get 6yo DD to not be in awe of classmate....

(105 Posts)
KrispyKremes Wed 20-Mar-19 09:16:40

DD is in Y1.

I don't know if it happens in all classes, but, there's another girl in the class who seems to have somehow convinced the rest of them she is the best thing ever.

I think it's because she comes across very confident and is very bossy.

Yesterday she really upset one of the girls (was proud to hear how kind my DD was and cheered up the sad girl. But DD still saying things to me like "Emma let me sit next to her in assembly yesterday" "Emma says I'm one of her BFFs" then the next day crying because Emma likes my DD but she isn't a 'main BFF' like Olivia is etc etc.

Talking to other mums all the girls seem to just want to do anything to make this kid like them.

GGrrrrr.

I had a chat yesterday how proud I was DD was so kind. And that being kind is the most important thing. She was upset becasue Emma said she is fancy and DD isn't. And I replied "you are fancy, but what's more important being fancy or being kind?" and DD agreed being kind is. But I just know she'll be back in there now and they'll all be treating the 'popular' kid like she's the queen and be trying to win her affections.

She isn't a bad child. I guess this is the dynamic that's happened. So I'm never going to insult the girl to my DD. But is there a way i can make DD see she's just another kid in the class, not the leader etc?

Tinty Thu 21-Mar-19 13:00:57

My DD had a very small taste of this in year 5. Queen Bee of the class moved across the road from us. Her Dmum asked if we could lift share. I said yes, so we start swapping lifts to school.

Queen Bee and DD then spent some time in each others homes after school, and got on well, (before this they barely spoke even though they were in the same class). Queen Bee then asked DD to spend time with her at school, DD was a little flattered as she had always just been with other groups of children at school not the 'popular' group.

After a couple of weeks Queen Bee started being mean to DD at school. So DD said when they were at home, "why are you being mean to me at school?" Queen Bee said "I just want to be the most popular person in Class and my friends are getting jealous because I spend time with you, and I might not be popular anymore." So DD said "well it's your choice but I won't bother to be your friend out of school if you don't want me to be your friend in school." Queen Bee backtracked fairly rapidly and stopped being mean to DD in school.

Maybe you need to teach your daughter that being 'fancy' isn't as important as being a good friend. She needs to find other friends, because basically Queen Bee is picking up and dropping her to keep her keen.

Monestasi Thu 21-Mar-19 12:46:46

Not read all of the comments, but I do think different sets of friends and socialising outside of school makes a difference.

I have not experienced this (yet!) with either dd. I certainly remember it though.

I am wondering if the reason why is because both of my dds 'best friends' are not at the schools they go to.

ppeatfruit Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:18

No true Stawp .

Ref. TEACHING kindness as a parent and teacher. It is surely better to BE KIND to your children , they learn by example. It's always shocking to see a parent or carer smacking a child who has been fighting or whatever.

GallicosCats Wed 20-Mar-19 22:31:55

The term 'Queen Bee' comes from the insect world where the 'queen' of the hive regularly kills rivals or turns them into workers. 'Queen Bee' behaviour is dominance behaviour that is toxic to healthy friendships. Quite different from genuine popularity for genuine reasons.

I get the feeling the word 'fancy' in this context is a newish usage from across the pond, meaning fashionable, trendy, stylish (insofar as preteen girls can be stylish) with all the latest clothes and accessories.

minipie Wed 20-Mar-19 22:02:04

Yabbers your DD sounds lovely and her popularity is entirely based on being a great friend.

I wouldn’t describe her as a “Queen Bee”, nor any other child who is popular without being unkind.

I think that term is for people who are popular but have acquired their popularity through perceived glamour, deliberate unattainability (“you can’t be my friend today”) and excluding others to establish a pecking order of which they are top. Those are the ones I do hope fall from their position, because their position is linked entirely to making others unhappy. Even so, I don’t wish them misery, merely that the other children see they aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and they lose their power to control the class dynamics.

I actually didn’t believe Queen Bees existed (I’d never had one in my class at school, nor had I met an adult version) until we came across the one in DD’s class.

Anotherday39 Wed 20-Mar-19 17:25:25

Kids are awful. Adults even more so.

Consider it an intro to life, and give her some armour (self esteem) to let it not get to her. Easier said than done, but it never stops.

Next stop, bullies

Fazackerley Wed 20-Mar-19 17:20:21

Of course it shouldn't be everyone's main aim in life. For a start you can piss people off simply by existing. Be friendly if you can, be respectful but no girl should think her reason for being at school is to befriend everyone.

I may be a horrible person but I don't want my dds to be paired with the troubled souls to make their life easier. If they seek them out and choose to do it then fine. Its a massive PITA to be defined by having to be someone else's protector.

Yabbers Wed 20-Mar-19 15:44:39

can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life

Utter bollocks.

Everybody’s main aim in life should bo to be kind. If the world was a lot kinder, we wouldn’t have the shit in the world that they do.

DD is “queen bee” (urgh, what a horrible description) always has been and even her teachers have commented on the unusual pull she has on her classmates. She also has a disability and this makes it even more unusual as it seems usually kids like her are excluded or picked on.

She has never played on her status, is always seeking out troubled souls and her class teacher paired her this year with a new boy who had been kicked out of three previous schools for behaviour issues. She has a knack of calming him down when he is getting angry and he is thriving. She also is his protector and makes sure other kids see the good in him too. That alone has made a big difference and even his mum said she can’t believe the change in him. Apparently he’s never had friends. Another lad who has sat next to her for two terms is now doing much better with loads more confidence because she takes the time to help him in class and to boost his confidence. It helps her too because she learns well by helping.

She is the kindest girl I know but is no pushover. It is possible to be assertive without being a dick about it.

How sad so many here are waiting for her to fall from grace when she becomes a teenager or an adult.

OP, I know it is difficult but I really would advise not getting too involved. When DD mentions something someone has done that bothers her, I just remind her there are lots of reasons people do things and there are lots of other children in the class. I’ve always discouraged a “BFF” relationship, especially in early years. Friendships evolve and making sure she has a strong group of friends is better than one. My mantra is not to put all your eggs in one friend basket.

sydenhamhiller Wed 20-Mar-19 14:15:48

YY KrispyKremes

I don't think being kind is a girl thing, I think being kind is a human thing. I have a son and two daughters, and I am very careful to have the same expectations of being kind for all three of them. Surely, being kind is a great aim to have in life? It doesn't mean being a pushover, to me a large part of it at primary school is "if you don't have anything nice to say, do not say it at all".

My 13 yr old middle child, a girl, is amazingly kind, it is the character trait most parents of her friends/ teachers comment on. And whilst I am proud of this (not smug, the other 2 not so much), I do talk to her often about how her job is not to make everybody happy, and her wants and needs are just as important. And that stating these opinions is not rude, but just assertive.

I agree that girls can be socialised to 'just make everyone happy', but if we teach both our sons and daughters to be kind, I think the world would be a much nicer place. <looks at very sparse Kindness Tree in corner of Y3 classroom>

Tigek Wed 20-Mar-19 13:56:38

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Tigek Wed 20-Mar-19 13:51:33

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Zooop Wed 20-Mar-19 13:49:15

Both my dds have had to deal with a child like this. It was painful, but I consistently asked ‘is she a good friend to you? Is she kind to you?’. And after a while they both clocked that no, this child was inconsistent, often unkind, and not a good friend. And naturally drifted away. School also helped with social skills and finding other friends - the ELSA programme.

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Mar-19 13:48:31

Everyone should be kind but kindness does not equate with always putting your own feelings last. And in a friendship it should be reciprocated.

ooooohbetty Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:36

Everyone should be kind. It's really not a bad thing for boys and girls. Boys are described as bossy in same way that girls are.

Tigek Wed 20-Mar-19 13:46:01

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PinkCrayon Wed 20-Mar-19 13:44:43

I think the tide ends up changing on kids like that, more so if they are mean or bossy.
Your child will change too as she gets older. My child was extremely meek but as she has gotten older I would say from age 8 she has started to stick up for herself if someone says something horrible to her she used to stay silent she now tells them she doesnt care what they say and has learnt to distance herself from mean/bossy children. She has grown in confidence and doesnt pander to anyone anymore.
You are right to teach your child kindness I dont think enough parents do!

Tigek Wed 20-Mar-19 13:40:14

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MarshaBradyo Wed 20-Mar-19 13:39:25

Yes definitely to teaching them to recognise it and not put up with friends who are not

MontanaSkies Wed 20-Mar-19 13:38:34

I think kindness is a good thing to teach - as long as you teach that kindness goes both ways. Act with kindness towards others, yes. But also recognise whether others are treating you with kindness, or not.

heartfull83 Wed 20-Mar-19 13:38:23

I am really perplexed at the thought that girls shouldn't be kind.

The opposite of kind is unkind.

So girls should be unkind?

But it's ok for boys to be kind.

HUMANKIND SHOULD BE KIND!

It means to be friendly and considerate. I think the world is lacking a lot of this at the moment.

Drogosnextwife Wed 20-Mar-19 13:38:00

I hate the sight of grown women delighted that a confident popular child has somehow not been successful in life

Or perhaps it's because they relate it back to their own experience as a child and remember how they felt, having to put up with being excluded and feeling shit every day.

MarshaBradyo Wed 20-Mar-19 13:37:49

Children can be strong, not a wallflower and know their own mind. And be kind. Plus have lots of friends. I don’t see why not

Tigek Wed 20-Mar-19 13:35:58

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MarshaBradyo Wed 20-Mar-19 13:34:42

Some of these posts are ridiculous

Of course children can be guided to act in a kinder way

Drogosnextwife Wed 20-Mar-19 13:33:32

And I also feel the bitterness by some posters here is possibly why they were never popular at school.

Yup that will be it 🙄

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