How to get 6yo DD to not be in awe of classmate....(105 Posts)
DD is in Y1.
I don't know if it happens in all classes, but, there's another girl in the class who seems to have somehow convinced the rest of them she is the best thing ever.
I think it's because she comes across very confident and is very bossy.
Yesterday she really upset one of the girls (was proud to hear how kind my DD was and cheered up the sad girl. But DD still saying things to me like "Emma let me sit next to her in assembly yesterday" "Emma says I'm one of her BFFs" then the next day crying because Emma likes my DD but she isn't a 'main BFF' like Olivia is etc etc.
Talking to other mums all the girls seem to just want to do anything to make this kid like them.
I had a chat yesterday how proud I was DD was so kind. And that being kind is the most important thing. She was upset becasue Emma said she is fancy and DD isn't. And I replied "you are fancy, but what's more important being fancy or being kind?" and DD agreed being kind is. But I just know she'll be back in there now and they'll all be treating the 'popular' kid like she's the queen and be trying to win her affections.
She isn't a bad child. I guess this is the dynamic that's happened. So I'm never going to insult the girl to my DD. But is there a way i can make DD see she's just another kid in the class, not the leader etc?
Same thing in my dds class. One girl is incredibly popular and the girls all fight to be her friend. She's a nice enough girl, certainly not a bully or anything, but I do wonder why she is so popular.
Agree with pp about putting the focus on other people to be real friends with. A conversation about what proper friends are like, how they make you feel etc. Ie someone who says their your best friend one day and drops you the next is not a good friend so don’t trust them.
And yes there is one in every class I think, especially girls! IME the same phenomenon happens with boys but it’s more of ‘coolest kid in the class’ - I don’t think boys put the same emphasis and emotional investment into having ‘best friends’ that girls do, which is a good thing! As a result they aren’t manipulated in the same way. (Bullying is a different thing I think, though the manipulation can certainly border on it).
My son phrased it great about the popular boy when I asked him why he doesn't like him:
"He's a lemming, will do as the group wants to stay the most popular!"
I think this situation is repeated in most classrooms. Just a word of warning,, it will get worse, once they hit pre puberty. O the dramas!!
Many years ago when I was about this age our teacher asked us to do a painting of our best friend. The teacher displayed the results on the wall. Every painting, bar one was of exactly the same girl
This is a bit of an aside but what was the teacher thinking - it was an exercise bound to breed conflict in the class! And to still put them up when she saw they were all of the same girl!
I'm really surprised at the comments warning about teaching kids to be kind. It's the number one thing I teach my kids. Perhaps I'll reconsider how much emphasis I put on it and rephrase it as they get older (age 5 & 7 now) but for very young children I would still think it's a good foundation to build on.
And yes there is one in every class I think, especially girls! IME the same phenomenon happens with boys but it’s more of ‘coolest kid in the class’ - I don’t think boys put the same emphasis and emotional investment into having ‘best friends’ that girls do
As a mother of a boy and a girl, this definitely rings true for me. I hate the gender stereotype regarding friendships but from my own experience it seems to be true. My ds's friendships are much more simple. There's no jealousy if another boy plays with their friends...there's a more the merrier approach. With my DD, she comes home upset that someone else played with her friend and the girls may say they don't want to play with her that day, then be friends again the next day...there always seems to be a drama.
I had this in our class, there is always one. I was a confident happy child and I think this girl saw me as competition as the "most popular", whereas I couldn't have cared less. She decided to make my life a misery, bullied me for years until I was a quiet little mouse who couldn't talk to anyone and felt like crying most days.
Not that that will happen to your DD OP, I certainly hope not. What I went through in those years made me who I am today, I don't take shit from anyone, I have so much empathy for other people it may be a problem 😂.
It may wear off, it may not. Try and make sure your DD realises that actually what this girl is doing is nasty and tell her not to copy what she is doing. That's all you can do really, and hope that the teacher is picking up on it and dealing with it. Perhaps have a word with the teacher if you are worried your DD is being singled out by this girl.
We had the same in my class when I was young. I remember this particular girl losing the butterfly back of her earring in the playground and practically the entire school on their hands and knees looking for it!
When we all reached secondary school her star definitely faded. So many other kids from other schools and I think we all got a bit more confident. I wouldn’t worry too much to be honest, it’s all part of growing up.
Re the 'kind' thing.
I gave a dd and a ds. One of the mottos in our family is "it's nice to be nice" (along with "this too shall pass" and "I am me and that's a good thing to be".
I was always taught to be kind to people. I think it's a great thing. I'm no walkover believe me. I'm confident, fairly strong and have heathy friendships.
My dd is in those awful teen Y9 years. I'm proud of the fact that so far in school she's managed to be a loyal friend, stand up for herself but never managed to be involved in any teenage 'drama' (yet). So far, striving to be 'nice' alongside respectful, thoughtful and generally friendly has done ok for her.
Likewise with my ds. He's quite cheeky but when push comes to shove he's kind to his friends or people he sees in trouble.
OP, I think in time dcs work out which children are actually good to want to hang out with. Like a PP said former Queen Bees never seem to hold their place as they get older.
Surely there’s been one in every class since the beginning of time?!
I can still remember the name of the girl we all thought was the Bees Knees. It didn’t do us any harm. It’s all part of growing up, leave the kids to get on with it.
There was a girl at school with DD - just the same scenario ! She was so bossy and self-confident, she just bowled the other girls over.
When I got to know her and her mother, it came out that she lived 50-50 with each parent, and they were both very competitive with this only child. Letting her have anything and everything, vying with each other over what they bought her, hanging on her every word . No wonder she had grown up entitled and bossy - she bossed her parents as well. I ended up feeling really worry for her , since I couldn't see a good future for her.
formerbabe yes, I have 2 DS’s and one DD...my DD’s approach in a co-Ed class was that she didn’t join cliques and would play with different kids all the time, very often the boys. There was never anything discussed about it. Her closest friend there was a boy. In y3 she moved to a girls school and was bewildered by this stuff going on. It was definitely also going on in her co ed setting as well, she just instinctively steered clear! Luckily she didn’t remain in thrall to the queen bee for very long, unfortunately (now y6) there’s still a core of girls that are though and there’s been a lot of unhappiness.
Hiya we have a 5yo DD and this kind of social dynamics has been coming up soooo often and from what I can tell its only going to get worse, or more intense!
I was in the "being kind is the main thing" camp too, coming from my mother who was FIRMLY "oh dear is DD having a rough time well the main thing is that she doesn't do anything to get her in trouble".
After lots of research, soul searching etc with DH we have completely changed tack and our DD is so much happier and more confident from it. We impress on her the importance of being strong, clever, funny, friendly, inclusive, participative, inquisitive, brave... but kind isn't on the list anymore. That doesn't mean that she ISN'T kind, it means that its not what we are aiming to work on with her as "the main thing".
In as much as the admiration, I would try and not put too much store by it infront of her. When she fawns about the girl "ah that's nice," or regarding the fancy comment for example, that sounds like something she has heard from the girl herself "is being fancy important? I know I have always been more excited about being good at judo!" type of thing. Until age 8 we are 100% their main reference, obviously at school age other influences come more into play, but your example and reaction will give her cues much more than what the girl does or says.
Maybe try and get her involved in an activity away from school where she can build confidence and meet other children?
Yes Violet he seems to inspire others to follow him, mind you the first school was a not very good Steiner.
The 2nd was also private, he was influenced by older boys and the Head didn't want his class to follow him! Saved us money on the fees, but his self esteem suffered. He has not succeeded educationally but he is living the life he wants to as a part time musician and yoga\music teacher
I have no advice for you other than to say this scenario is extremely common, incredibly frustrating and without easy remedy. You are not alone.
Teaching our girls to value themselves for who they are, to not be manipulated by others, to walk away from infighting, drama and gossip - that's what I hope to do.
I had to learn the lesson in sixth form that life is so much better when you find friends that aren't hard work, and who care about you for you, and who you never have to chase or watch what you say or try to stop them leaving you out - when you find those friends then it gives you great strength and confidence, that you can then carry for the rest of your life.
I'm trying to teach DD that gradually, and sometimes just want to rage at other
mums parents who seem to enjoy nothing more than perpetuating schoolfriend dramas like it's some pre-teen Love Island. I'm really heavily critical of gender stereotyping and have zero time for gossip - but I also have to struggle to filter that for DD who is not yet 10 and needs to develop her own feminist rage opinions in her own time!
There's a boy queen bee in my daughters' Year1 class and one of them comes home and says things like "X said I could be in his company today" or, on sadder days, "I wasn't allowed in his company today". It makes me laugh it sounds so ridiculous! In this case I think it's because he is very tall and clever and the oldest in the class. He's a likeable boy to be fair, just strange how much power he has.....
It's a life lesson, try not to make a big deal out of it. Just bolster your child's self esteem, not too much, but take them out on their own, or have a little talk to them about anything. if they have siblings so they feel valued and loved by you.
Bloody Queen Bees!
All you can do is work on your daughters self esteem, show her theres more to life than school (e.g Beavers / Brownies, clubs outside school), help her build friendships outside the queen so that she is less reliant on the pickup and dropping aspect. Help her find her feet and confidence of who she is and to try and find like minded people.
As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life
It is actually a huge fault of women to constantly try and be ‘kind’ to their own detriment
What bollocks. Being a kind, thoughtful individual IS important, male or female. You can be kind without being a walkover. I bring my dc up to be kind, put themselves in others' shoes etc.
We had a queen bee, who gave permission for people to sit with her for lunch.
I never cared, so long as I had a book.
I met her the other day, we are both middle aged, I was with my children , seems she never married, had children or even got a decent job, I actually felt sorry for her.
My DD is in Reception and this has started already. There is one girl that all the other girls seem to worship and even though she's not very nice (scribbles on other kids drawings, is very bossy, tries to dictate who can play with who) they are all desperate to be her friend. It's frustrating but it's just part of growing up, isn't it? I don't think there's much to be done about it other than supporting your DC's positive friendships.
*As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life
It is actually a huge fault of women to constantly try and be ‘kind’ to their own detriment*
Also think this is nonsense!! I teach my DD and DS to be kind. Nothing to do with gender. Thinking of others and treating others (and yourself as a PP) said with kindness and respect is a wonderful HUMAN trait. A girl that is kind that grows up to be a kind woman does not mean they are weak or a walkover. Likewise for a boy.
Forget about the girl. And be very careful not to make a mean example of her to make a point to your DD. That’s a bad lesson to teach.
Just focus on teaching your DD to be strong, resilient and able to think for herself. These are normal social interactions of a group. You don’t need to teach her anything about that person, just about herself.
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