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How to get 6yo DD to not be in awe of classmate....

(105 Posts)
KrispyKremes Wed 20-Mar-19 09:16:40

DD is in Y1.

I don't know if it happens in all classes, but, there's another girl in the class who seems to have somehow convinced the rest of them she is the best thing ever.

I think it's because she comes across very confident and is very bossy.

Yesterday she really upset one of the girls (was proud to hear how kind my DD was and cheered up the sad girl. But DD still saying things to me like "Emma let me sit next to her in assembly yesterday" "Emma says I'm one of her BFFs" then the next day crying because Emma likes my DD but she isn't a 'main BFF' like Olivia is etc etc.

Talking to other mums all the girls seem to just want to do anything to make this kid like them.


I had a chat yesterday how proud I was DD was so kind. And that being kind is the most important thing. She was upset becasue Emma said she is fancy and DD isn't. And I replied "you are fancy, but what's more important being fancy or being kind?" and DD agreed being kind is. But I just know she'll be back in there now and they'll all be treating the 'popular' kid like she's the queen and be trying to win her affections.

She isn't a bad child. I guess this is the dynamic that's happened. So I'm never going to insult the girl to my DD. But is there a way i can make DD see she's just another kid in the class, not the leader etc?

minipie Wed 20-Mar-19 22:02:04

Yabbers your DD sounds lovely and her popularity is entirely based on being a great friend.

I wouldn’t describe her as a “Queen Bee”, nor any other child who is popular without being unkind.

I think that term is for people who are popular but have acquired their popularity through perceived glamour, deliberate unattainability (“you can’t be my friend today”) and excluding others to establish a pecking order of which they are top. Those are the ones I do hope fall from their position, because their position is linked entirely to making others unhappy. Even so, I don’t wish them misery, merely that the other children see they aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and they lose their power to control the class dynamics.

I actually didn’t believe Queen Bees existed (I’d never had one in my class at school, nor had I met an adult version) until we came across the one in DD’s class.

GallicosCats Wed 20-Mar-19 22:31:55

The term 'Queen Bee' comes from the insect world where the 'queen' of the hive regularly kills rivals or turns them into workers. 'Queen Bee' behaviour is dominance behaviour that is toxic to healthy friendships. Quite different from genuine popularity for genuine reasons.

I get the feeling the word 'fancy' in this context is a newish usage from across the pond, meaning fashionable, trendy, stylish (insofar as preteen girls can be stylish) with all the latest clothes and accessories.

ppeatfruit Thu 21-Mar-19 12:32:18

No true Stawp .

Ref. TEACHING kindness as a parent and teacher. It is surely better to BE KIND to your children , they learn by example. It's always shocking to see a parent or carer smacking a child who has been fighting or whatever.

Monestasi Thu 21-Mar-19 12:46:46

Not read all of the comments, but I do think different sets of friends and socialising outside of school makes a difference.

I have not experienced this (yet!) with either dd. I certainly remember it though.

I am wondering if the reason why is because both of my dds 'best friends' are not at the schools they go to.

Tinty Thu 21-Mar-19 13:00:57

My DD had a very small taste of this in year 5. Queen Bee of the class moved across the road from us. Her Dmum asked if we could lift share. I said yes, so we start swapping lifts to school.

Queen Bee and DD then spent some time in each others homes after school, and got on well, (before this they barely spoke even though they were in the same class). Queen Bee then asked DD to spend time with her at school, DD was a little flattered as she had always just been with other groups of children at school not the 'popular' group.

After a couple of weeks Queen Bee started being mean to DD at school. So DD said when they were at home, "why are you being mean to me at school?" Queen Bee said "I just want to be the most popular person in Class and my friends are getting jealous because I spend time with you, and I might not be popular anymore." So DD said "well it's your choice but I won't bother to be your friend out of school if you don't want me to be your friend in school." Queen Bee backtracked fairly rapidly and stopped being mean to DD in school.

Maybe you need to teach your daughter that being 'fancy' isn't as important as being a good friend. She needs to find other friends, because basically Queen Bee is picking up and dropping her to keep her keen.

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