How to get 6yo DD to not be in awe of classmate....

[KrispyKremes]

DD is in Y1.

I don't know if it happens in all classes, but, there's another girl in the class who seems to have somehow convinced the rest of them she is the best thing ever.

I think it's because she comes across very confident and is very bossy.

Yesterday she really upset one of the girls (was proud to hear how kind my DD was and cheered up the sad girl. But DD still saying things to me like "Emma let me sit next to her in assembly yesterday" "Emma says I'm one of her BFFs" then the next day crying because Emma likes my DD but she isn't a 'main BFF' like Olivia is etc etc.

Talking to other mums all the girls seem to just want to do anything to make this kid like them.

GGrrrrr.

I had a chat yesterday how proud I was DD was so kind. And that being kind is the most important thing. She was upset becasue Emma said she is fancy and DD isn't. And I replied "you are fancy, but what's more important being fancy or being kind?" and DD agreed being kind is. But I just know she'll be back in there now and they'll all be treating the 'popular' kid like she's the queen and be trying to win her affections.

She isn't a bad child. I guess this is the dynamic that's happened. So I'm never going to insult the girl to my DD. But is there a way i can make DD see she's just another kid in the class, not the leader etc?

[SoyDora]

Watching with interest as there is a girl like this in DD1’s class! DD is a friendly, sociable little thing with plenty of friends but they all seem to idolise this one girl, and DD will say things like ‘x let me play with her today’. I’m struggling with how to talk to her about it too!

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

There's always been a girl like that in every class.

But what does "fancy" mean in this context?!

[SoyDora]

What complicates it a bit in our case is that x is the daughter of one of my best friends!

[Whereareyouspot]

As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life

It is actually a huge fault of women to constantly try and be ‘kind’ to their own detriment

She should be encouraged to reflect on and be aware of how her actions effect others and through this see that the strong girl is actually using her behaviour to make others feel sad or left out. That is thus not actually good behaviour and not something your DD should seek to get approval for.

So shine a light on how this girl actually makes others feel and how true friends let us be and don’t play with our emotions

But leave out the be kind mantra.

[Harebellsies]

I think you are right to work on this, because this topic comes up all through childhood and adolescence and also adulthood. Girl crushes of admiration are fine but not when they encourage self loathing. I think key is to strengthen her own self love, by singing her “Just the way you are” by Bruno Mars and spsnding time with ber and highlighting that everyone is different but lovely in their own way. And also steering her away from friendships that are unhealthy, finding other friends that have a different focus. I personally think that being a Groupie to the popular kids can cause unhappiness for life.

[Harebellsies]

*spending time with her , not with 🍺 beer

[Bowchicawowow]

Many years ago when I was about this age our teacher asked us to do a painting of our best friend. The teacher displayed the results on the wall. Every painting, bar one was of exactly the same girl. I have no idea what ever happened to her but her star faded when she reached secondary school.

[Wide0penSpace]

A similar thing happened with my son in Y1. I encouraged other friendships by inviting other friends over to play. He soon formed a little close friendship group which didn’t focus on popular boy.

This boy still seems to be ‘top dog’ in Y3 but my son has his other friends and isn’t so easily influenced by him, he’s also starting to see that some of his behaviour verges on bullying and isn’t kind.

[blackteasplease]

There's always one! Yr1 and yr4 seem to be particular flash points for this

[KrispyKremes]

@Whereareyouspot

I agree with what you're saying.

But it is important for everyone to be kind. Nothing to do with gender.

I try to act kindly every day, but it doesn't mean I get walked over. I see friends who are "too kind" and people take the piss, so I know what you're saying. I do, but there needs to be kindness in the world. And kindness is a better trait than being "fancy" (Which in the case of these 6 year olds is glittery hair bows, lip balm and keyrings.) so I told DD Emma might say she's fancier than her, but that's not kind, and being kind is more important than being fancy.

Our whole household acts kindly and respectfully to one another. I see no problem with kindness. My DD also knows if people are treating her unkindly and will cal them out on it. But is having a hard time seeing that in this girl as she has stars in her eyes about her.

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

Not quite the same but ds 5 says things like "so and so told me off today " "so and so wont let me do this" (same person each time) I've told him that the only people who can "tell him off" are adults in the school and his parents, another child cannot tell him he cant do something.Im not having him thinking that children with stronger personalities can dictate to him,he is on the same level.

[lastqueenofscotland]

We had a girl the entire class was in awe of at that age when I was young about 90 million years ago.
I think as children grow up and develop their own personalities a bit more and build releationships better this fades

[Arowana]

From the other side of the fence - I have a child like this. When he was in year 6, the class went on a residential trip and had to fill in a piece of paper about who they wanted to share a room with. The teacher told my son that nearly all the boys in the class (18 out of 21 or something like that) put his name. I honestly don’t know why it was like this, although he is tall and good at sport, which is important for boys. But it seems to me that children have some kind of natural instinct towards hero worship. In which case, maybe it’s better not to try and fight this (by telling her not to do it) but accept it will happen and give your DD tools to deal with it (eg building up other friendships, working with your DD on resilience etc).

If it makes you feel any better, the transition to secondary school was not very easy for my son. After being a big fish in a small pond he has had to learn that he’s not the special one any more!

[Bagpuss5]

I think you can be magnanimous, generous and kind if you are capable, confident, maybe reasonably outgoing, so I would build that in dc. And helps if you have stuff to give. So the wonder child can give of her time or attention and could be described as being kind. That would count for more with the DCs as everybody wants it.

[teyem]

I'd just let her get on with it for now. This is one of those life lessons best learnt early from the comfort of a loving home.

[Ottessa]

As an aside, can we please stop insisting to girls that being ‘kind’ is the main aim in life

Agreed. Also, OP, I have a six year old who thinks another child in his class is the bee's knees, so I tell him I think that Freddie is a pointless little snip. So not kind, and honest poor Freddie's best feature is an ability to dribble and a cool haircut, and he is never going to set the world alight demonstrating adult lack of kindness and the fact that alternative opinions on people are possible.

[VioletBlu]

I do agree with a PP that "kind" can be misinterpreted as "walkover". My DM brought me up to be "kind" but that meant putting myself last and it's a really hard habit to break. I feel guilty if I put myself first even if it's something other people would do without a moment's thought.

I personally wouldn't make it a competition about "kind" versus "fancy". (It's possible to be both!) I would phrase it that this girl can do her, but your DD does herself and she's great just the way she is. I would also do as a PP has suggested and focus on building up her other friendships so this girl doesn't have the upper hand so much, because of a multitude of playdates/fun times etc your DD has shared with more like-minded other friends. Instead of spending energy on toning this girl and her influence down, I'd put energy into moving on from, or around, her. You are unwittingly giving this girl even more importance. If she makes your DD feel bad/less than good about herself, then make a mental note she's no real friend of your DD's and behind the scenes help your DD to move on.

If your DD does want to talk about her then of course you'd hear her out and not ignore her concerns or feelings, but I just wouldn't focus too much on her and how your DD is kind whilst this girl is fancy (or thinks she is) etc etc. Your DD needs to increase her own confidence or self-worth so she genuinely doesn't need this girl's approval.

[ppeatfruit]

Aronwa I could've written your post! It's a developmental stage that children go through at the age of about 6, obviously not everyone, our ds was made to feel different by being too charismatic (he didn't do it consciously) and ended being expelled from 2 schools

If you think about it we all looked up to pop stars, celebrities etc. and we learn they're just people! Rationalising doesn't really work with them, if the teacher is good she or he will make ALL the class feel special at varying times. !

[Ihaventgottimeforthis]

My DD went through similar experiences - why doesn't so-and-so like me today etc - and it brings back painful memories of my school years, thirty years ago! Bonkers isn't it.

I'm afraid I get quite blunt and say 'well so-and-so is just a person like everyone else in your class, we all have our good and bad traits and they way we get through life is to find people who have more good than bad, and who value & respect us as much as we value and respect them.' It's a bit sanctimonious but it does help DD hopefully to see through the pecking order in the class, and start to respect herself as just as good as anyone else.
The 'fancy' stuff? I would come down mega hard on that I'm afraid. Bows and bangles do not make a good person, and I think girls are never too young to learn that what you wear or look like is no indicator AT ALL of how good or strong or nice a person you are. In fact they're just cheap tat that is harmful to the environment and an utter waste of money. It's not a point of view that many people share, especially other mums!
I do still use nice but I see the issues with it too, haven't figured out a plan for that yet!

[BarbarianMum]

I teach my ds that being kind is one of the most important things in life. That includes being kind to themselves.

[Ottessa]

I like your blunt approach Ihaventgottime.

[VioletBlu]

Oh and also, the most popular girl in my class for years in primary school was a quiet, sweet, unassuming girl who was never "going to set the world on fire" either (to quote a PP). She was probably near the bottom of the class academically, wasn't particularly good at skipping or drawing (the going currency in those days ) or anything else.

Literally everyone wanted to be her friend because (I think) basically she accepted everyone, she didn't take sides, she was easy to be around, she wasn't bossy, she wasn't the best at this or that or the other, she didn't compete with anyone over anything, she just turned up and was pleasant to everyone in class.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

ability to dribble

poor kid

OP we have this too with preschool DD who is 4yo. I had no idea it started so young! We also tell her to be kind but do this with all our children inc DS. And we talk about consistency so if someone is nasty sometimes and nice sometimes that is no good.

I also tell her when popular girl is being off with her, to just say "fine. I'm going to play with another friend" and walk away. This seems to work to an extent as popular girl is quite insecure and doesn't like the rejection so tends to calm down a bit after DD does that.

Frankly though, I'm just hoping they will wind up at different primary schools!

[VioletBlu]

ppeatfruit your DS got expelled from 2 schools for being too charismatic?

[formerbabe]

Same thing in my dds class. One girl is incredibly popular and the girls all fight to be her friend. She's a nice enough girl, certainly not a bully or anything, but I do wonder why she is so popular.