What would you have done?

[HarrysOwl]

Slightly untraditional thread, as this was a situation that happened 20 years ago and I will update what actually happened; I wanted to ask opinions first, I hope that's not too annoying.

So you've been married 10 years, unhappily. Your DH is sexist, controlling, selfish, obsessed with money and generally quite unpleasant. He was all charm when you met, of course. You have two DCs, age 9 & 12.

You're depressed and trying to get financially independent so you start a new company and it's going well.

Do you:

1. Move out, leaving the kids with DH after verbally agreeing 50/50 custody.
   
2. Move out, taking the kids with you.
   
3. Insist DH moves out after agreeing 50/50 custody.

[Monty27]

3

[Moneymanifestor]

3rd option.

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

Not enough info, was the house owned, by whom, if it safe for the children to be around him? Personally option 4, go to court, stay in the house allow access EOW if safe if not supervised contact only and whether the children want to see him would come into play at their ages.

[picklemepopcorn]

It's not really a rational decision that someone else can weigh up.

It would depend on your capacity, your alternatives, your support network.
If you could only take the children to live in one room in a shared house, that would be different from if you moved in with your parents in a big house with enough bedrooms for you.

[HarrysOwl]

the house owned, by whom, if it safe for the children to be around him?

The house is owned (mortgage) by both DW & DH; depends if you think DH behaviour is emotionally abusive, but apart from DH smacking the children occasionally (this is 20 years ago) there's no reason to think they're unsafe physically.

[MelanieCheeks]

Option 3 would be least disruptive for the children, although I'm uncomfortable with the word "insist". Why not "agree".

The other options are not wrong, though, and any of them would work as long as all parties accepted them.

[Pinkprincess1978]

My preference would be 3 but I guess he has as much right as me to stay in the family home with the children. I would want us to agree and do what is best for the children.

[JenniferJareau]

Preference would be 3 but if he is that much of a shit no way would he agree.

[WoogleCone]

3, but maybe 2 if I thought he would cause problems or not leave peacefully.

[HarrysOwl]

Jennifer, yes 3) was flatly refused. He said the only way he'd leave the house was in a coffin.

[Ellisandra]

It’s not as easy as 3, and this is a bit pointless given that there is SO much information missing.

Sorry, but it is annoying.

Why don’t you start again with what you actually want to talk about?

(FWIW, I let XH keep the house. I had no interest in “insisting” that I pay £300 Council Tax on my own! I could afford the house, but preferred somewhere smaller and to save the money for holidays with my kids!)

[BigFatGiant]

None of those options is really appealing to me but I am a longgame kind of person. I would probably try option three then initiate fovorce ptoceedings regardless of whether he leaves or not. I definitely wouldn’t leave my children behind. There really isn’t enough context here. Is he a high earner? How much do you expect the business to grow? What kind of house would you be able to move to? Is there any reason why you want to live separately beyond disliking him?

[HarrysOwl]

How about if your not happy you move out

Sure, that's option 1).

[Noonooyou]

cheeky because he's abusive?

[HarrysOwl]

Is he a high earner?
Average wage.

How much do you expect the business to grow?
Earning enough for own mortgage, can cover bills easily, plans to grow to have employees.

What kind of house would you be able to move to?
2/3 bed house in a nice area.

Is there any reason why you want to live separately beyond disliking him?

DH cut DW off from friends, criticised her, refused to do any housework because it was 'women's work'. Emotionally abusive, nowadays.

[Sparkletastic]

Just tell us what you want to talk about.

[killpop]

Is this another one of those "look how terrible my parents treated me" posts?

I'm guessing that 1) your mother left you with your father and didn't see much of you after that.

[Noonooyou]

Can you explain now op?

[sackrifice]

Wnat actually happened?

[GottenGottenGotten]

I did no. 2. He was not going to go anywhere, so I did. Don't regret it at all.

[EssentialHummus]

I'm not sure I'd manage in practice but I'd try to avoid Pyrrhic victories. So if he's going to be impossible about the house and I had the means to move out without compromising my stake in the house/any aspect of custody (apologies, I've no idea about the intricacies of separation), I'd do so.

[SpannerH]

I'm guessing that this has all already happened quite a few years ago now, DW already made her choice and someone (kids maybe) are making her feel guilty about that choice? I'm thinking DW chose the 2nd option?

[Staffy10]

Why don’t you just say ? These threads are really irritating

[cocodash]

Following this our of curiosity lol