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AIBU?

To refuse to support DD in having hobbies anymore?

180 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 22:09

DD is 11 and is very sociable and outgoing. Since the age of 5 she's tried out about every extra curricular activity going. She's on the school team for every sport and loves competing in pretty much everything she can. She's also massively into drama and dance and would love to study drama at Uni.

Over the years, I've spent thousands of pounds and countless hours supporting her in all of her activities but now I'm considering refusing to do so any longer. The issue is her father - from whom I have been separated for many many years - does not support her in any activities. DD only sees him fortnightly but this has still managed to disrupt so many things for her.

For example, she took tap classes and after a year was picked to perform a solo in the dance schools annual show. She was beyond excited and was talking about it for weeks. When the show drew closer, her father said he didn't agree to her taking part (it fell on his weekend with her, I offered to swap/take and return her/him to come and watch) and she wouldn't tell him how much it meant to her, she missed it and then once she was home she was so upset - she then wouldn't return to the dance school as she thought she'd let the teacher down, and because she didn't see the point of improving if she could never perform.

Similar incidents have happened with several other activities; she'll take classes and adore them, get really good, be asked to perform or compete, be desperate to do so but then if it requires even minimal commitment on her weekrnd with her father, he'll say no and she won't stand up for herself. I have fought her corner with him for years but he won't back down, despite knowing how upset she gets, and she won't tell him she is desperate to take part.

Tonight I had to drag her 3 younger siblings to collect her from drama class at 7.45pm, they're all tired and she comes out absolutely buzzing because she's been picked for a main part in their performance. That's great, but for the last month they'll have rehearsals on Saturday mornings - which her father won't let her attend. I just feel like it's deja vu and there's no point putting me and her siblings through taxiing her around, not to mention paying out for the activities when they can never progress so she ultimately gives them up.

I've tried empowering her to speak up to him but she absolutely refuses. WIBU to say there's no point taking anything else up, or does that just make me as bad as him?

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MrsAird · 19/03/2019 22:17

It does make you as bad as him. Sorry, I know this came out of frustration on your part.

If he won't agree to anything you may have to take him to court to get an order which permits her to do activities on 'his' day, and make the time up some other way.

I agree with your efforts to empower her, that was a good idea,, but I guess she is still just too young to be able to stand up to him, and she should not be trying to negotiate her own contact. That is still your job.

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HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 22:26

I made sure it was written into the court order that he must facilitate activities and parties. He just says no and if I took him back to court over it, DD wouldn't speak out against him to CAFCASS so what's the point? I feel really frustrated tonight as I paid £210 for an outward bounds type trip for DD and because it means she would miss one day of his weekend he's said she can't go, despite originally saying it was fine.

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boomfloom · 19/03/2019 22:26

I think YANBU. It would teach her to fight for what she believes in. Either her hobbies matter and they're worth it or they don't matter and you can all save yourselves the money and effort involved.

I think in the future, she might be grateful to you for making her take a stand. Otherwise, she will be just left with regrets, resentment and what-ifs.

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warriorprincessandwidowed · 19/03/2019 22:34

Just tell him to fuck off and let her do it. Its court ordered.... Just take her and let her do it.

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44PumpLane · 19/03/2019 22:48

^^this

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QueenEhlana · 19/03/2019 22:48

If she won't speak up, either to her father or to CAFCAS, there's really not a lot you can do. She's only 11. If she's not confident enough, then she's just not confident enough. Punishing her for it, or trying to force a change in her personality, is cruel.

What you need to do is explain to the organisers that she will NOT do anything on the weekends she is with her father. If they want to put her in a role, ask her to compete, etc, on their heads be it. Because if rehearsals, performances, competitions etc fall on those weekends, she won't be there.

If they understand that from the get go, then slowly, over time, your DD might become empowered enough to start asking her father to go to some of these things. Or, in a few years, she will be old enough (and strong enough) to tell him that either he takes her, or she won't see him on that weekend. But it takes time. Give her that time.

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HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 22:49

I'd happily tell him to fuck off warrior, but she takes his word as law and won't go against him.

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HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 22:51

She's had 6 years, Queen. She's started and stopped countless activities, let lots of people down, missed loads of parties, had me and her siblings ferrying her around and paying out and wants things to change but won't change anything she's doing (I.e. she won't tell her father how much these things mean to her)

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/03/2019 22:53

I think there's a balance to be struck between letting her volunteer then withdraw from everything going and stopping her doing anything - the latter approach would make you just as bad as him I'm afraid (I know you're speaking from a place of upset and frustration though).

In a couple of years she'll be able to choose what she does with her time - I'd work towards building her confidence for that time so she can finally feel confident enough to tell her dad to do one.

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Poppylizzyrose · 19/03/2019 22:54

It seems so bloody unfair of him to do that. I hate all the strict ness around certain weekends ect. Hope it doesn’t end up like that with me and my dd. :(

No advice I’m afraid as mine is only 4 months old Flowers

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russiandwarf · 19/03/2019 22:57

This might sound like a stupid idea but if she's scared to speak up to him and tell him how she feels to his face can she write him a letter or record a video on your phone to send him? Grasping at straws! I'm frustrated on your behalf

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Schmoozer · 19/03/2019 23:02

I don’t understand why the responsibility is on your dd to stand up to her father ??
She’s 11
Standing up to him could be really difficult / scary and she is getting penalised for that
Why can’t caffcass enforce that he complies with her activity schedule?
Surely they understand that the onus cannot be on a child to stand up to their parent ???

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Cherrysoup · 19/03/2019 23:02

Re rehearsals, I just wouldn’t let her go to his on the relevant weekends and reinforce to her that she needs to choose between standing up to him or not doing her activities. He’s a wanker.

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BlueSkiesLies · 19/03/2019 23:03

She's had 6 years, Queen. She's started and stopped countless activities, let lots of people down, missed loads of parties, had me and her siblings ferrying her around and paying out and wants things to change but won't change anything she's doing (I.e. she won't tell her father how much these things mean to her)

She is eleven and he is her father who has a great position of power over her, and her feelings will be all complicated re his love and approval.

You can’t put this on her.

You kinda need to fight this battle for her.

It is really sad that a man is choosing to control his daughter and limit her life like this. But you picked him for a mate so hopefully he has some redeeming qualities.

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Lovewineandchocs · 19/03/2019 23:03

I feel really frustrated tonight as I paid £210 for an outward bounds type trip for DD and because it means she would miss one day of his weekend he's said she can't go, despite originally saying it was fine

How unfair and controlling of him! He’s setting himself up for a lifetime of resentment when she’s older. I’d send her on the trip anyway, you paid on the basis that he originally agreed to it. Let the bastard take you to court over it-he’s the one who has consistently breached the court order so will have to answer for that too.

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/03/2019 23:06

she won't tell her father how much these things mean to her

Would he give a shit if she did? Is she afraid of him?

He sounds like an utter gobshite. What does she do when she is with him? Anything nice or fun?

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HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 23:06

No, sadly she won't tell him via any means. I really couldn't afford to lose the money for the trip and she has been so looking forward to it. The thing that really irritates me is that he says their time together is too rare and precious to interrupt with activities and that he wants to see her because he loves and misses her so much...yet he could see her more frequently but chooses not to, and he still does his hobbies on weekends she's with him....!!

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Purpleartichoke · 19/03/2019 23:07

You have to be the one to stand up
To him. It isn’t her job.

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glitterdayz · 19/03/2019 23:09

Firstly his actions with speak against if he took you to court. These activities are for his dd not him or you.
Secondly you have to ask yourself why did you and have you chosen to let her attend these activities for the last few years? What has changed beside him being an arse?
Also are the other 3 his?
Because if not from your dd point of few she may feel like you stop caring. A lot of children start feeling less loved when they hit 10-13 because they aren't little anymore.

When my ex says something negative or not in line with the truth I explain to my dc, you know me and all the things I do for you, so why do you think what ex has said is true?

My ex told ds, that I cancelled a party invite, my ds was very upset when he got home, I told him, why would I do that? I haven't before, you df must of got confused about the dates or who party it was. ( I could of kicked my ex) once ds calmed down, I said we will ask the party dc to go swimming sometime.

Also, he's meant to parent on his time, that doesn't mean all his time is booked in but party etc come up.

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/03/2019 23:09

Also sounds like he's stopping her doing any activities to spite you.

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Schmoozer · 19/03/2019 23:11

I agree
It’s not her job to stand up to him
Poor child 😢

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Namestheyareachangin · 19/03/2019 23:11

Christ you sound so angry with your little daughter. He's the twat here not her. You need to focus your anger where it's due

Your little child haven trying to negotiate a very tricky situation and not lose her dad. I know you think he's a waste of human skin and maybe he is, but he's the only dad she's got, she has already had to process the fact he has left her - of course she's scared of losing what she has left of him by going against him.

Saying "she's had 6 years" to toughen up and stand up for herself - bloody hell her parents divorced when she was 5!! She's had a lot to deal with, her self esteem at least in regard to him will be in the toilet. And it sounds like he is pretty dictatorial and hard work. She's likely cowed by him.

Have you no sympathy for her or appreciation of how devastating divorce is for a child's sense of self worth (vital for her to be able to advocate for herself)?

Seriously, I get you're frustrated with the situation - but you sound like you're blaming her and looking to punish her for not wanting to fall out with her dad and that's very very wrong.

She may need you to be the bad guy on her behalf. If he is so happy to poo-poo the court order that he facilitate her hobbies, then when she has rehearsals etc you poo-poo his contact entitlement. He can take you to court and you can point out this is your only recourse given his violation of the terms of his contact. See how it shakes down there. And then if the upshot is he is allowed to keep sabotaging her you can cancel the hobbies with weekend commitment, as a response from something imposed from outside, not as a way for you to exercise your frustration or as a stick to beat her into provoking a conflict with her dad.

She needs to feel you have her back. He obviously doesn't.

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HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 23:11

No, he absolutely wouldn't give a shit - he knows how hard she works and dismisses it with his (emotionally abusive IMO) "but I love you so much I'm so desperate to see you" Hmm

He makes no real effort to do anything fun when she's there. Weekends tend to be shopping or her watching him do his hobbies or get drunk with his brother under the cover of it being 'family time' as her cousins are there.

If I tried to send her on the trip anyway she would have a total meltdown because she knows he's said no.

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Pinkbells · 19/03/2019 23:11

He’s not only an arrogant, selfish father but he’s also an idiot. Doesn’t he realise that it won’t be long before she gets to choose whether she spends time with him. If he blatantly disregards and refuses to support what’s special to her he won’t see her for dust. The only thing you can do is facilitate things for her as much as you can so that she can continue doing what she loves. Can you go and collect her/drop him back from him to take her to the events when they clash with his visits?

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PotolBabu · 19/03/2019 23:12

If she’s had six years and she is now 11, then she was 5 yes? Do you expect a 5 year old to stand up to her father? This is absurd frankly. You are punishing a child by taking away something she is good at and enjoys doing in order to make a point about her father. Who won’t give a crap anyway. It will just leave her miserable.

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