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Am i being unreasonable in my perceived favouritism of my parents treatment of my sister over me?

(40 Posts)
Carter7654 Tue 19-Mar-19 21:54:27

Recently I have fallen out with my mum over this which has been an issue which has been simmering for some time. My mum has made it crystal clear she feels I am the one being unreasonable; but I feel unable to quite let it go and feel like I am at least partly justified to feel the way I do.

My husband and I have a toddler and another on the way. He also has two children from a previous marriage aged 11 and 13 that stay with us half the week. We both have decent jobs and own our own home although I wouldn’t say that we live an extravagant life style and I don’t spend much money on myself as just making sure our bills are paid and our children have everything they need seems to take up most of our income.

My sister also has three children. Her older two are 12 and 9 and her youngest is 8 months. She recently split with her husband and then (accidentally!?) managed to fall pregnant with his baby that he then failed to financially support her with. She has never worked since her oldest was born whereas I returned to work four days a week to quite a stressful occupation when my little one was nine months old.

My parents have always financially helped her out but since she split with her husband this has escalated or maybe I just perceive it more as I can’t help now we both have children compare more. Recently as my sister had to move out her married home they helped her get a rented home and are now topping up her rent every month. It was upon the understanding that my sister would look for work to top up the rent herself but this isn’t materialising and my sister has said to me that she isn’t particularly keen to get a job and to be honest I don’t feel she has much of an incentive to as she knows my parents will continue to foot the bill while she isn’t.

I wouldn’t particularly have an issue with this if it wasn’t for the fact that my sister affords to pay for things that I can’t, such as regularly getting her hair and nails done, buying herself and her kids lots of clothes. Also my mum charges me for looking after my children two days a week while I am at work and yet she’s always running around after my sister and looking after her kids for free and I feel like the money I’m paying her is sort of being redirected towards my sister.

However what brought it to a crunch was that for all my sisters children including her latest my mum bought them all a prank. To be fair she did this also for my son but it has fallen to bits now and will need replacing for the new baby. I assumed that she would also buy this baby a pram but when I brought this up my mum acted a bit affronted and said that she wouldn’t be able to afford to with her current circumstances and that me and my husband should be expected to buy our own given that we both earn decent amounts. I think this is unfair but I’m also upset that my mum keeps bringing up with me how she doesn’t feel that she can keep on paying my sisters rent and that she may have to go back to work to be able to do this. She keeps saying that she intends to go back to work almost as soon as I go on maternity leave and therefore I feel I can wave goodbye to any support (practical) I might get from her during this period. It upsets me a bit as she is all over my sister at present offering to look after her children even though the other two are at school all day, running her around everywhere as she can’t drive, and then I feel like she’s implying that I can just manage without even though at times I will have four children in the house on my own and two small children with me all day. It upsets me that my mum and I are suffering the implications; yet no word seems to have been passed that maybe he onus should be upon my sister to face up to her responsibilities or otherwise get a house that’s within her means.

GoGoGadgetGin Tue 19-Mar-19 22:03:01

Sorry to read you are in this situation, am in similar however my DM will never EVER accept that she treats us differently, so you are not alone, any attempt at discussion is met with horror and drama. Supports my sibling with childcare throughout all school holidays, yet will not support me for 1hr for a GP appointment unless 'booked' many many weeks in advance.

Footsall Tue 19-Mar-19 22:04:36

Trust me when I say that no good can come of this.

Your sister is taking advantage. Your parents are willing to let her take advantage of them. Any attempt to confront this will come across as huffy and attention seeking.

Your sister clearly believes she is entitled to this help (otherwise she would not dream of taking it) so will see your comments as a direct attack. Her behaviour shows that she is unable to put herself in someone else’s shoes and so you will not be greeted with compassion and understanding.

My sister plays the victim in everything and takes from whoever she can. My parents do not afford the same to me but in my Mums own words “I am capable of sorting things out myself”.

I have learned to not be passive aggressive in my approach where my parents are concerned but it caused such a rift between my sister and I and we have no spoken for 3 years.

Smelborp Tue 19-Mar-19 22:07:04

How dis your mum react to the conversation? Did you point out the discrepancies or was it just that she thought you expected a pram?

Carter7654 Tue 19-Mar-19 22:12:10

Well my mums justification for it is that I have a husband to support me and we both have decent jobs and that my sister and I therefore have different needs, which is all fine, except I can’t help but feel my sister is being rewarded for getting pregnant with another child and being irresponsible with her month, whereas I seem to work all the hours God sends and then still don’t justify spending money on things she does, which doesn’t really seem fair. Also, as I said, it’s not just the financial side, it’s the practical side in that my mum spends a lot of time with her sister and her children whereas I feel that she only wants to see me and my children when she’s getting paid for it and even then she acts a bit like it’s a hardship. I have turned a blind eye to it a lot but it’s kind of come to a head and I feel like I can’t keep on swallowing it

SheRaTheAllPowerful Tue 19-Mar-19 22:12:16

I really feel for you, blatant favoritism but do you think you’ll achieve anything taking to either your sister or mum?
I can’t believe she can charge you and then give money to your sister and not see how she is behaving sad

SheRaTheAllPowerful Tue 19-Mar-19 22:13:01

Can you afford to pay else where for childcare? I would

Snappedandfarted2019 Tue 19-Mar-19 22:19:43

Sorry I’m going against the grain here. I see her POV she is trying to support her child who is a single mom and having previously been a single mom it’s extremely hard, she’s fallen on hard times and are trying to help. You have a dh and both have a wage coming she does not, you may have four dc but only two of them are you’re dm grandchildren. I’m assuming the cost of childcare is cheaper than actual childcare especially if it’s regular and enables you to work why shouldnt she get some sort of payment you would pay a childminder, I could understand if it was a one of but no regular childcare which enables you to work.

cochineal7 Tue 19-Mar-19 22:19:43

There is probably little you can do to make her own up to anything but I would stop paying her for childcare. Arrange it elsewhere. Take back control over things you can control at least.

OffToBedhampton Tue 19-Mar-19 22:20:06

Yes, your sister is taking advantage.
Yeah your DM could be more fair.

But she isn't. She has limited funds and she is helping your sister out , who is taking advantage.

But your sister is divorcing or now a single parent and you aren't and having troubles getting financial support from.ex. And frankly that's shit. You wouldn't want to be in her situation even with her fake nails and little treats.

So, I agree with previous PP who says no good will come of this if you pursue it. Let it go. Ask FM to help you when you need it, try to negotiate but accept that your DParents think that DSis is incapable where you are not. I suspect DSis gets a whole load of unsolicited advice that comes with the money, that you don't. And you can feel proud that you hadn't needed your DParents to bail you out.

OffToBedhampton Tue 19-Mar-19 22:21:02

*DM not FM

GoGoGadgetGin Tue 19-Mar-19 22:21:42

Agree I'd stop paying her for childcare.

Jupiters Tue 19-Mar-19 22:42:29

I'd be looking elsewhere for childcare, rather then to continue to pay your parents.

Stargazer888 Tue 19-Mar-19 22:50:16

Ultimately you are in a much better position. You dsis has 3 kids and is a single mum with no financial support from the father. That sucks.
I think you need to just thank your lucky stars you have the life you have and leave your mum to it.

Stargazer888 Tue 19-Mar-19 22:50:42

And yes look for different childcare!

7yo7yo Tue 19-Mar-19 23:35:03

I’d look
Elsewhere for Childcare too.
It won’t be long before your kids feel the difference between themselves and the “golden grandchildren”.
Protect them and yourself.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe Tue 19-Mar-19 23:36:07

I can see this isn't treating the two of your fairly, and that's deeply annoying and upsetting, but I do agree with the PPs who point out her life is much harder than yours currently (even with the treats she can afford to pay for), so making the comparison only serves to make you unhappy.

And I don't mean this to be nasty, but you and your sister both chose to have children. Lots and lots of parents on here don't get any support from parents at all. They have had their children and it sounds like they do a lot for you and your sister, even if it's not being done in a fair way at the moment.

Chloemol Wed 20-Mar-19 00:26:42

I understand that your mother sees you different,ly, ie you have a husband and your sister does not, but she is also enabling your sisters behaviour. If you feel she is not listening to you I would write a letter explaining how you feel, and how she is treating you and how you feel it’s unfair you have to pay her for childcare, but she did it for free for your sister, so much so you are now going to look for childcare elsewhere. Is your mat leave soon? Perhaps stop the children going to her once on leave and sort other childcare when you go back to work. Is she chooses to get a job to help support your sister then that’s up to her. If she continues the way she is at the moment i would slowly start to withdraw from seeing her or your sister in order not to get worked up about it

nakedscientist Wed 20-Mar-19 00:33:06

OP cut your poor mum a bit of slack!

You are an adult, she is doing her best and isn't a bottomless pit of money for you and your DSis to get your ' fair share'.

Your sis is down on her luck. Buy your own pram and perhaps have a word with your sis about how you can help her to take the burden off your mum.

goldengummybear Wed 20-Mar-19 00:41:21

What was she like before your sister split with her h?

Could it be the case that if your sister was in a couple and earning what you do then she'd get the same amount of help from your mum that you do right now? I'm playing devil's advocate here but is your mum overcompensating for the Dad not being around and she's actually super stressed doing so much but feels unable to do less because your sister is going through a crappy time?

Your sister is taking the piss not even looking for a job but could she be scared of applying because she's been out of work for so long? Obviously she has to woman up for the sake of her kids but finding a job after years away isn't easy.

If I were you I'd pay for professional childcare so you don't resent the money going to your sister and the fact that you pay but she doesn't. Buy your pram yourself to ease the financial burden on your mum. It's not your fault that your sister is so reliant on your mum but it's not your mum's fault that this has happened either.

Spiritinabody Wed 20-Mar-19 07:31:14

You definitely need to sort out different childcare. Your DM has already said she is planning to look for work around the time you go on maternity leave. She is giving you notice. Maybe she is telling you it will coincide with your ML to be kind, knowing you will be around then for your DC, but could actually need to get work now.

I wouldn't pay my mum for childcare while she does it for free for my DSis. I would resent it and at some point the unfairness would no doubt lead to a relationship breakdown.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho Wed 20-Mar-19 07:38:56

I’d look for other childcare. No way in Hell would I pay my parent for childcare whilst they babysat other grandkids for free when their parents doesn’t even fucking work.

It’s similar here, though. My sibling is a single parent to 1DC, doesn’t work. I’m a single parent to 3DC, I study and I work. I get fuck all from my parents because “I’m the strong capable one” and my sibling “needs it more”.

I used to resent it a lot. Now I just find it ridiculous and pathetic.

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Mar-19 07:41:40

I feel quite sorry for your mother actually. 2 daughters competing for support and money, when does she have any time/money for herself? What do you and your sister do for her (other than "let" her look after her grandchildren)?

EustaciaVye Wed 20-Mar-19 07:46:39

It sounds like you and your sister are both being very entitled expecting an awful lot from your parents. When do they get to have a life?

I suggest you make other childcare arrangements so your relationship goes back to one of just mother/daughter. And you stop trying to compare what you and your sister are getting, and enjoy your life.

If you dont approve of how your sister of living hers then either tell her (and be prepared to accept the fall out) or keep it to yourself for a quieter life.

GoGoGadgetGin Wed 20-Mar-19 07:51:58

naked have a word with your sis about how you can help her to take the burden off your mum. surely you dont mean OP should speak to her sis to takeover some of the DM's burden of what she has been doing for the sister?!

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