To be pissed off at my partner ?(55 Posts)
My partner travels abroad with his work a lot . He's just flown back home from across the world yesterday for 2 day than he is off again for 8days back home for 2 days and off again for half a month.
I have taken today and tomorrow off work so we can have a bit of quality time.
He's wrecked, tired and struggling to keep conversation up and basically dragging me across town whilst he is sorting his errands.
This is not quality time and I haven't had a chance to catch up with him. He's not interested in anything I say even tho I have a couple of exciting things happening in my life in the near future. This makes me feel little, maybe worthless like I have to respect that he is tired and fair enough but I feel like I'm making an effort here.
AIBU ? Do I ask too much?
He's also taken me out for lunch however I ended up paying for it as he made me feel bad about my ordering too many things. He said he was just joking but I felt a bit embarrassed and I just paid for it. I don't need a man to buy me lunch however sometimes a little treat feels good and I just ordered what I wanted. I don't know at the end it my fault as I couldn't take the joke?
I can see both sides tbh.
Its hard to be good company when you're knackered and this might be the only time he gets to sort his errands before he goes away. Also he probably doesnt enjoy travelling for work so much.
From your point of view, you wanted quality time and you havent got it.
When he's back from this time away will he be around for a bit? You could plan some quality time, a meal or even a weekend away? Something to look forward to after a lot of time apart.
I can understand you wanting some quality time with him. But if he only has 2 days, is exhausted and has to travel again soon isn’t it understandable that he needs to do errands and catch up on things?
This is difficult. From his POV he's probably just knackered. Overnight flights exhaust me.
He is jet lagged and has only 2 days to get his errands done. I think YABU. When he is supposed to get his errands done if not in those 2 days? He is so knackered to keep conversation up. I get you may feel a bit neglected but look at it from his side for a moment. Travelling with work is not as fun as people assume it to be.
So, he's exhausted from working and only has a few days to complete errands. You're annoyed he wasn't more chatty and didn't like his joke?
Yes, I'd probably end it but not because he's in the wrong.
Travel abroad for work is a killer, especially when you’re only home for a short time. It’s nice of you to take the time off but maybe in future give him a bit of time to rest / do errands and offer to make a nice dinner / get takeaway etc.
This is not a new relationship, been together for almost 5 years and every time it's the same story. And I don't think he's job is glamorous or traveling is fun but I'm bending here to spend some time with him and I just don't see him making any effort. We won't see each other till the July apart from the odd 2-3 day here and there and I'm working too but always make an effort even if it's the tiniest.
The errands are not super important things. So yeah but I understand he's got to do it and that's fine... it's just the fact that o do feel neglected and I'm not sure if it's working for me
It doesn't sound like you are getting much from this relationship.
If you are hardly seeing each other it can be hard to keep a relationship going.
Is this just the situation until July or is this an on going thing?
I think I'd need to feel it was really worthwhile to be in a relationship with someone who was away so much.
Then you need to have a frank conversation with him about the future. Is this how it's going to be till he retires? Is there any end in sight? Would he take a job with less/no travelling or just European travel (than he is home faster and less exhausting).
If he is going to continue then I guess you have to decide if you can live with it.
I think pp are right and he is probably jet lagged and got to do stuff while he has the chance.
My DH travels most weeks but then gets two or three weeks at home (works from home when here). Also it's a mixture of Europe and Asia so it's not as bad.
He came back from Japan on Friday and was absolutely exhausted and it took him all weekend to feel better even though he managed to sleep at the right time by staying up till normal bedtime etc.
It's an I'm going thing and reading back my post I understand why so many posters think I am unreasonable (and think they might be right hence of asking the question) it's just I tried. I got him his favourite coffee and nice eggs to make poached eggs for breakfast and cooked dinner for last night. And I am not expecting an awful lot but at least a bit of effort from his side. I'm going for an interview tomorrow which is exciting and couldn't wait to catch him up on it and ask for his advice yet he doesn't give a fat rats ass about it and I'm sorry but it does hurt a lot.
I miss him and right now they way he treats me makes me feel shit. And had enough of him always having work as an excuse. I'm working too, maybe not traveling but I do too... it's not like I'm sitting on my ass at home waiting for him to entertain me
I don't think people are saying you are totally unreasonable or sitting on your arse.
At the end of the day YANBU if you don't want a relationship with someone who is travelling so much it interferes with life so much.
YAB a tiny bit U to expect him not to be completely shattered off a long haul flight.
Like I said in my previous post you need to decide what you want and if there is a compromise/solution and if he is willing to change the situation.
If he isn't and you can't live with it then vote with your feet.
at least a bit of effort from his side
What effort do you want? What was his actual reaction to your interview news? Do you want him to find a different job?
To be frank, I'm amazed you've lasted 5 years before getting to this realisation that this relationship isn't for you. There are few who'd be happy with it, to be honest, but unless he is spending far more time away now than he was when you met, or were 2 years in, he's not necessarily unreasonable either if it's work essential.
Her: I made him his favourite breakfast and chose a restraunt for lunch that I knew he'd like. I don't like his schedule and think he perhaps is distracted by the lack of balance between work life and home life. Why did he make the comment at lunch? Does he think I eat too much? I paid. I hope he saw the way I felt. It wasn't fair. I know he had things to do but he could have paid me more attention. Does he value or relationship? Does he have another woman? Is he bored? I wonder where he sees our future. 2 children? One? I'd love to live near my parents but I don't know if he'd like it.
Him: I'm knackered. Why did England choke against the Scotch?
It was weird that you paid for lunch because he made you feel bad for ordering too much?
What did you order and what did he say?
I think this is about both of you failing to understand each other's needs.
He is exhausted and has shit to do. You got yourself all excited about him coming back and had imagined what it would be like to suit your needs,
He failed to take that into account, and you also failed to take into account how he would be feeling and what he needed to do.
Both of you were focused on yourself. And as such, it's led to disappointment on both sides, as I doubt he's enjoying it either.
I really feel for your DP here. I spend at least 8 months of the year travelling for work and sometimes only get a few days at home in between. Due to the nature of my job I can easily end up working 18+hour days whilst I'm away, so that combined with jetlag render me a virtual zombie by the time I do get home.
Thankfully my DP appreciates this and cuts me some slack when I get home, gets in my favourite foods and just lets me enjoy some no pressure time to rest and run errands before I do it all over again. I very rarely do anything outside of vegging out and catching up on sleep when I'm on such a tight turnaround as I know I won't be able to function properly if I don't rest between trips, and ultimately I'm no fun to be around when I'm over-tired anyway!
Did you discuss taking time off to spend "quality time" with him before booking it? I only ask as it sounds like you both had quite different expectations from his time at home.
So he’s been travelling this much for the whole five years you’ve been together? What future do you see with him - are you hoping for marriage, kids? How old are you both?
Tbh I would say that if this amount of travel is going to be a permanent feature then I’m not really sure your relationship is going anywhere. When do you ever get any proper time together?!
I used to travel for work a lot and was a zombie most weekends before having to repack a bag and go again. It's tough so you should cut him a bit of slack. Agree with PP that you need to speak to him about this going forward, what future do you want?
He always traveled just not this much, gradually over the 5 years the number of the trips to abroad have increased.
Does he keep in touch with you whilst he's away? Phone calls, Skype etc?
I would be disappointed too if someone, even if they were tired, didn't give support and encouragement to the news of you having an interview.
I'm not sure he's as in to this relationship as you are OP.
Do you live together? Do you hope to get married and have children? With so much travel he won't be able to parent much.
What do you get out of this relationship? From the info so far I'm struggling to see any plus points for you.
It's a bit like women married to service personnel, isn't it. My dp has a nephew who is in the RAF and can be posted away for 6m at a time. I don't know how his dw copes.
🌷 sorry OP it can’t be easy .. yes he is jet lagged & has stuff to do & is working hard but by jove! Can’t he just give you half a day of undivided attention??
Maybe the only way is to write him a letter and ask him to make some time for you..
I honestly have NO idea how your relationship functions but you must love him to slot in every now and again.
That's a good point @Hanab
When I mean I would like to have some quality time with him I don't mean going out or anything special. More than happy just to put on a movie curl up together and watch it and fall asleep half way. It's just I miss him and right now it's 5:30 we are home I have been doing his washing, pottering around etc and he is just on his laptop or phone. There is never any time for me. When he is away we speak every other day or every 3 days which often gets cut short as he is busy. Sometimes he would just hang up on me and I know he is busy and his job is demanding but it makes me feel shit.
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