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To have gone for a drink by myself?

(79 Posts)
lovelilies Tue 19-Mar-19 09:33:18

I was supposed to meet two friends for drinks and a pub quiz last night but they cancelled at short notice. I was in the mood for going out so I decided to go anyway, on my own.
My DP (don't live together, long history, 2 DC together, he had them at his last night) said I shouldn't go out alone.
He only knew I was out alone because I told him my friends had baled and asked if he fancied meeting me (his parents are up staying with him so could babysit).
He texted 'Because there are dick head men out there who’d love to take advantage! You have a family at home and it’s not the right thing to do...'
it's really pissed me off. He's coming from the 'I'm worried for your safety' angle, however he never asked me to let him know I was home safe/ checked up if I'm ok.
I do have a tendency to overreact but AIBU?
So not to drip feed, I had 1/2 a beer, and still collected teenage DD from hobby and was home by 8.30pm!

viques Tue 19-Mar-19 10:36:52

"Because there are dickhead men who'd love to take advantage" and he knows this because...........

Raises eyebrows and makes quizzical moue.

I think the short answer is that you would like him to tell you every time he goes for a drink on his own because there might be predatory women out there who are so bloody desperate they would even hook up with a waste of space like him............. Or there again there might not be and that could wound his pride.

Skinniesandconverse Tue 19-Mar-19 10:38:17

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I still think a lot of people would look twice and wonder why a woman was at the pub alone. In central London and other cosmopolitan areas, possibly not, but in many areas, I think some people are still a bit judgy.

I'm glad you went!

CautiousOptimist Tue 19-Mar-19 10:38:57

Absolutely nothing wrong with it at all if you enjoy it.
I LOVE spending time on my own (especially since having kids, now it happens more rarely!) Given the chance I regularly go for lunch, a coffee, a walk or to the cinema on my own. If I was going to the pub I might take a book too. I see it as spending quality time with myself.

Seniorschoolmum Tue 19-Mar-19 10:40:12

YAnbu. I used to drop into village pub on way home from work, at least once a week.

You are a grown up. You are perfectly capable of fending off unwanted attention and getting your own cab home.

onthenaughtystepagain Tue 19-Mar-19 10:40:51

If I get to the pub quiz without OH for whatever reason and the rest of the team can't make, must learn to check my phone more than once every few days, I will offer myself as a 'gun for hire' to other teams and as my knowledge and age are uselful to the younger teams we often win!

JazzerMcJazzer Tue 19-Mar-19 10:42:03

What was he annoyed about- the drinking, or the being in a pub alone at 8pm? It’s hardly a hotbed of evil predators, no different to you going into Starbucks alone in the afternoon and presumably that is “permissible” from his perspective? Did he think you would be doing shots and dancing on the bar with your knickers on show? Why on earth does he consider you adult enough to parent your children yet vulnerable to being “taken advantage of” as soon as you go out after dark? What a judgmental and frankly stupid arse!

Windingstreams Tue 19-Mar-19 10:44:44

So women aren’t allowed out of the house alone if they have a family? This horribly misogynistic attitude was meant to have ended beginning of the last century and is not acceptable. It’s not something to laugh about or brush off, it suggests to me a controlling man. Or one who doesn’t have women’s best intentions in mind when he goes out.

JazzerMcJazzer Tue 19-Mar-19 10:49:42

Actually pubs that host quizzes on a Monday night are well known as places where murderers and rapists congregate, what WERE you thinking OP?

DarlingNikita Tue 19-Mar-19 10:51:46

Did he think you would be doing shots and dancing on the bar with your knickers on show?

I rather hope she was grin

cakecakecheese Tue 19-Mar-19 11:00:10

Christ on a bike 'you've got a family at home' yes because you were highly likely to forget after half a lager hmm

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Tue 19-Mar-19 11:01:14

I'm going to a gig on my own in May in Brixton. Can't wait.
Regularly go to the pub by myself too as work away from home so often nip into the pub next to the station if I'm early for my train.
He's being ridiculous. It's up to you what you do on your child free nights - or any other night.

CostanzaG Tue 19-Mar-19 11:01:26

* 'Because there are dick head men out there who’d love to take advantage! You have a family at home and it’s not the right thing to do...'*

This have given me the rage!! Nobody would dream of saying that to a man going for a drink on his own.

I have done this....especially when working away as it gets quite boring sitting in a hotel room on your own.
I remember when DS was born and I'd go for a run a couple of evenings a week....my DH used to suggest I went to the pub with my book instead as he thought that sounded far more relaxing! But then again he's not a sexist pig.

JazzerMcJazzer Tue 19-Mar-19 11:05:14

What about if you went for lunch one day and had a glass of wine or a beer? Would that be equally “wrong”?

cloudymelonade Tue 19-Mar-19 11:07:37

Love a solo beer if I'm in the mood smile He is clearly one of the dickhead men.

Orangecookie Tue 19-Mar-19 11:13:48

I think saying it’s controlling is stretching it. A woman on her own out does attract Male attention, and I think it’s normal to be a bit insecure or jealous. Give your DP a break! Especially as you aren’t living together, you have to be a bit more aware that your actions can bring you closer or introduce insecurity.

I wouldn’t want a partner to do that, just out of respect for our relationship.

DelilahTheSlagFromTheBible Tue 19-Mar-19 11:16:03

I'd do it without a second thought. I've been clubbing on my own BillyNoMates

Lweji Tue 19-Mar-19 11:16:26

There's a reason why you have 2 DC and don't live together, right?

Why are you still together?

CostanzaG Tue 19-Mar-19 11:18:15

A woman on her own out does attract Male attention, and I think it’s normal to be a bit insecure or jealous. why is that her issue? This is bordering on victim blaming.

you have to be a bit more aware that your actions can bring you closer or introduce insecurity.
What actions? Sitting in a pub on her own minding her own business? What is this was a cafe? or a restaurant?

I wouldn’t want a partner to do that, just out of respect for our relationship.

How is having a drink somewhere on your own disrespecting the relationship??

ifonly4 Tue 19-Mar-19 11:18:57

If you want to enjoy a drink and the atmosphere on your own. Occasionally if my DH has been away, I've gone out for a meal and drink on my own and still enjoyed it.

ifonly4 Tue 19-Mar-19 11:19:57

sorry words missed out ' ... own, do it'

Lweji Tue 19-Mar-19 11:22:05

I went home somewhat late last night. Stopped to have a hot chocolate alone while waiting for transport. Was I likely to attract men or is hot chocolate a repellent, unlike beer?
DP wasn't concerned. We don't live together either. He must be weird.

DarlingNikita Tue 19-Mar-19 11:25:33

Orangecookie, I'm also interested in your responses to CostanzaG's questions.

Orangecookie Tue 19-Mar-19 11:27:17

@constanza because we all are a bit insecure and relationships need building trust, respect and confidence over time. The OP is not living with her partner, and there is already I imagine a bit of fragility. We aren’t all confident well rounded very sure of ourselves individuals, and I do think pub on your own is testing a relationship that is fragile.

I think the point to start with her parter is with a little leeway and compassion. This isn’t an abusive man screaming at his partner, it sounds like a man on his own with the kids imagining his partner in the pub and feeling insecure. And I don’t think it’s that abnormal or awful of him to be feeling like that.

Orangecookie Tue 19-Mar-19 11:30:05

And I do think you are all gunning down the OPs partner as if he were absolutely dreadful. I think that is a pretty extreme reaction.

Judystilldreamsofhorses Tue 19-Mar-19 11:33:21

I used to travel a lot with work, and depending on where I was, would go to a restaurant for dinner on my own, or eat in the hotel, then have a drink by myself in the hotel bar. I was always surprised how many of my colleagues - both male and female - would prefer to order room service than go out by themselves.

I don't travel for work now, but still enjoy going for coffee or lunch by myself. I usually end up with an hour or so to kill between finishing work and my hair appointment every five weeks, and go for a solo glass of wine then.

I must be a bit of a beast, because I don't think any men have ever approached me in these circumstances!

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