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To think this is taking the p#$$

(44 Posts)
Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 09:16:45

Long story short.
Partner and I both own homes. She moved in to mine and leases hers.
I was the larger earner by far, but following birth of DD, took a lesser job to cut working hours and stress.
Now salaries are almost equal and with high child care costs, we just about get by.
Until now I have kept the child benefit money as I've always had responsibility for buying EVERYTHING DD related, with the exception of food shopping which is shared (mortgage and home running costs also split equally).
Now my partner has insisted that the CB is put towards childcare costs instead, which I am okay with, provided she splits the cost of all child related costs.
My AIBU is that until now I've never questioned the fact that she is collecting in excess if 100 monthly profit from her flat which she has kept for herself. Having questioned it when the child benefit conversation arose, I was told 'that's just how it is'. Where as I feel that if this income is generated by her living in what was originally my home, then this should be contributed toward the household.
Now, I'm not after anyones money, in fact I have always been stubbornly independent where money is concerned, but I feel I'm being taken for a bit of a ride here?.....Thoughts please.

Gatehouse77 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:20:55

I can't offer any advice I'm afraid. We've always pooled all money together and it's used as needed regardless of who's money it was to start with. For us it was simple, easy to manage and the most logical.

IceRebel Tue 19-Mar-19 09:22:24

Where as I feel that if this income is generated by her living in what was originally my home, then this should be contributed toward the household.

Of course the money generated from the other house should be part of the family income. You're correct, she wouldn't have that extra income if she hadn't moved into your house. Her reasoning of that's just how it is doesn't make any sense.

RainbowWaffles Tue 19-Mar-19 09:22:35

She is indeed taking the piss. You should have the same disposable income to do with as you please. You keep the CB, she keeps the house money and you split every single joint cost including all child related ones down the middle. Alternatively you put CB towards childcare and she puts the house money towards it too and you then split all other costs. This ‘what yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ attitude is embarrassing.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 10:02:53

Thank you for the advice. That's what I thought and I'm angry at myself for having allowed it to go on. I think being the higher earner, I was sympathetic to the fact that I had more disposable income before.
I'd rather just pool everything and share costs equally.

alwaysthinkingofsleep Tue 19-Mar-19 12:47:22

Maybe she is taking the piss...however is she solely responsible for costs associated with her rented house? Making repairs etc? If so maybe it's fair that any income is kept to go towards that. If you would share the cost then I would say any profit should be shared.

outpinked Tue 19-Mar-19 12:49:53

The £100 she gets a month should be put towards DD related things now the CB will go towards childcare. If she objects then she’s a selfish nob.

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 12:51:42

£100 a month profit (before or after tax?) isn’t much when you have to save to cover maintenance and void periods. A whole year of profit could go in 2 months between tenants.

However, she should explain that, not just say “that’s how it is”.

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 12:53:40

It sounds like you moved in together well before your daughter was born?
And during this time, you had higher disposable income.
So are you sure you didn’t actually set up this expectation of “that’s just how it is” yourself?
Previously, you had more money - that was just how it was.
Now it’s her.

Barrenfieldoffucks Tue 19-Mar-19 12:57:21

Did you pool money when you were the higher earner? I would keep the £100 separate for flat related expenses tbh.

Child benefit should go in the pot, and all shared (including child related) expenses out.

It sounds like you are being a little 'tit for tat' tbh, because she raised the child benefit point.

In what respect do you shoulder all the child related expenses?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 19-Mar-19 13:02:38

This may be a daft question, but do you both have equal legal parental responsibility for DD?

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 13:02:51

Actually, you also say you have an almost equal salary. That’s not the same. And take home can vary from same salary anyway, according to things like pension payments.

How did you end up in the position of paying for all child related items? I’m guessing the child is biologically yours not hers? Is she committed as a parent?

You are actually gaining from her, financially. You’re splitting your mortgage 50/50. So you pay the same in - but you pocket equity gains.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 19-Mar-19 13:17:00

I think being the higher earner, I was sympathetic to the fact that I had more disposable income before. so I'm assuming you didn't offer to share that with her? Seems a bit one-sided.

Agree that you should pool everything, pay for everything equally and have the same amount for spendies each.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 13:21:59

Thanks for the comments I'm genuinely interested in views on this financially (not about my partner's commitment to us).
I hadn't thought in any depth about additional maintenance of the flat, as there haven't really been any issues with that so far, you may have somewhat of a point there and I agree, there probably is an element of tit for tat.
With regards to how I ended up paying for everything child related, I guess because she was with me all the time, I had mat leave etc I just started to pay for things as I was going to be the one attending classes with her, spending time in shops looking at clothes, toys etc. As I've always been very financially independent it never occurred to me to even ask for any input and she never seemed bothered, only about the CB (she does have 50/50 rights).
My take on it is that she benefitted from both me paying for things independently AND from the flat income for all this time, but now that we're financially equal (in terms of take home pay etc too) she is taking issue with having to make slight adjustments to her finances.
Taking onboard the comment about gaining financially from her paying half the mortgage, it's also worth mentioning that I've paid all costs involved in home improvements etc during the time she has been here...but surely it cant be the case that I've to pay all of these expenses individually forever because my name is on the deeds?
It's also worth stating....I still work full time, I've just stepped down to a less demanding role so I can avoid the extra hours I used to put in.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 19-Mar-19 13:25:31

but surely it cant be the case that I've to pay all of these expenses individually forever because my name is on the deeds?

I think if your partner has no legal claim on the house then yes it should be the case.

Mookatron Tue 19-Mar-19 13:28:31

Yes, if you're splitting the mortgage equally but she's not on the deeds, the £100 a month is essentially going towards her rent - i.e. she's spending it to live in your house and you are investing it in your name.

However once you start to question the status quo there are all sorts of things that you may find unequal financially. This is why people decide to pool resources and expenditure completely (and also why they get married).

Tinty Tue 19-Mar-19 13:33:30

I think being the higher earner, I was sympathetic to the fact that I had more disposable income before.

So did you share your higher income with her before, or not? Or were you quite happy with her living in your house paying half of your mortgage and bills on less money?

You knew she had £100 more per month but you had £80 CB so you thought that was fair (presumably you still earn more than her), but now she has asked for half of the CB you think she is being unfair. You should have shared equally in the first place, not kept your higher earnings whilst sharing all the mortgage and bills equally.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 13:35:54

Again, genuine question....if I have to pay all home related expenses forever out of my earnings, whilst hers are covered by the extra rent she earns from her flat because she lives in mine, is that equity?

Also, a few have implied that being the higher earner previously I should perhaps have split my additional disposable income with that really the same as her keeping income she only has because she live in my house, to herself?

Yes Mookatron, unfortunately that's what I'm findin, but I wanted to have a balanced perspective before I go stamping my feet claiming that it's all unfair.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 19-Mar-19 13:39:36

She pays you "rent" - half the mortgage and no financial benefit from it. Use that for your home related expenses just like any other landlord would.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Tue 19-Mar-19 13:40:08

Perhaps you ought to spreadsheet the entire relationship. To resolve who the financial imbalance really benefitted over the duration. The issue of buying for partners benefit - you didn’t do it for the childs benefit? Odd. You weren’t bothered about divine fairness when you were the higher gainer. By all means redress finances - but try not to delude yourself that it’s because you want to live in financial democracy! Whilst you are so bothered about equity and equality perhaps you ought to broach who would get what in the event of a relationship breakdown - just to keep everything super fairly balanced.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 13:40:33

Tinty.....actually, I'd never given that any thought until she started implying that the CB wasn't being spent appropriately. Also, when applying for the CB I requested at that point that we set up a joint account for paying childcare etc and was shrugged off.
I'm angry and saddened by the whole thing.

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 13:41:49

Damn right she shouldn’t be paying for repairs or improvements l on your property!!!!
There’s a reason that doing so would give her the legal right to ask a court to consider if she has gained a beneficial interest.

You need to go away and think properly about what kind of financial partnership you want, now you have a child - and document it.

Mookatron Tue 19-Mar-19 13:42:27

If she had not been paying half the mortgage you would have a point about the rental income. But she has been paying half the mortgage and you haven't put her on the deeds. So she's basically been giving you the extra income.

You can either make it completely fair by pooling all income inc her rent, putting both names on both sets of deeds, and paying all expenditure out of the pool. O you could by ensure that all expenditure is the same no matter what the income (I would argue that isn't fair though).

You have decided to live with this woman and your child as a joint household. The finances have to work accordingly. I can see why each of you might want to keep your own property from before you were a household just in case it goes tits up but otherwise the only thoroughly fair way to manage it is to pool resources.

Tinty Tue 19-Mar-19 13:43:30

Also, a few have implied that being the higher earner previously I should perhaps have split my additional disposable income with that really the same as her keeping income she only has because she lives in my house, to herself?

Well she pays half of your mortgage and bills now, so you can live in your house on a lesser salary, and work less, if she didn't live with you and pay half of all your (shared) expenses could you have gone down to lesser hours and worked less.

So yes it is the same, when you had more money you didn't share it, now she has more money and isn't sharing. It was ok when you had more wasn't it. hmm

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 13:46:17

And bear in mind that her current legal status in your home is that of a lodger (i.e. almost not legal protection at all). Why would a lodger pay for your home improvements?!

It does rather sound like the chickens have come home to roost from your earlier decision to charge her half the house costs when you earned more. You set the scene for not having joint finances.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 13:46:57

Demelza......thanks for your input, it's very helpful 🤣. However, I don't think I implied that I bought anything for my partners benefit and not my child at the end of the day, everything I do is for my child and I'm happy to pay for everything for her forever.....what I have taken issue with here is the questioning of how the child benefit is spent, meanwhile she hasn't ever gone and bought her so much as a pair of socks.

It's not really about the money at's the questioning of my intentions and the insinuation that I'm somehow pocketing the excess....whilst in reality I'm just about getting by.

Drogosnextwife Tue 19-Mar-19 13:47:56

Tbh it sounds like you would be better off apart. Who could be bothered with that. Either put all earings and money in together and split everything no matter who earns more or half all bills, childcare costs etc and then keep whatever you have left over for yourselves. Yes CB should go towards childcare or buying things for the child.

Ellisandra Tue 19-Mar-19 13:51:31

But why wouldn’t she have an expectation that you’re pocketing the difference, when you have a history of expecting her to pay half of your housing costs when she was earning less?

I don’t even disagree with you doing that btw - but you can’t then be surprised if she (a) thinks you might not tell her if you have more and (b) thinks it’s fine for her to do the same.

You need to have a relationship conversation that goes way beyond money now. Sounds like you’re quite resentful of her never buying even socks - that’s not a money resentment, it’s a roles resentment. It’s also really common in new parents, so maybe thinking about that before arguing over the money?

Mookatron Tue 19-Mar-19 13:54:35

Good advice from Ellisandra. I would be wanting to get everything financial out into the open at this point if I were you. Of course each of you can have a bit of personal spending that you don't need to explain but otherwise the guesswork and resentment is going to ruin your relationship.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 19-Mar-19 13:57:26

The easiest thing is to sit down and work out your actual finances. Then you can both see what comes in, goes out and what you each have to live on.

That way it wont need to be allocated your half her half towards specific items, it will all just be what needs to be covered.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 14:08:11

Thank you to those who have given non-judgemental advice.
There are a few things I hadn't considered such as the financial equity I gain from her being here, but then I assumed this was taken care of by her gaining financial equity in her own home as living here allows her to do this with profit.....I'm not sure wht I'm missing with regards to that. I just assumed that two adults in a relationship split living costs equally. If I'd have moved to her home I'd have expected to pay half (as I did when I moved in with a previous partner).
We definitely have to have a chat about a few things though and you're's definitely about more than the money.

MRex Tue 19-Mar-19 14:09:19

I think when you've reached this point it might be useful to consider if you actually plan to stay together in the long term or not. If not then keep the child benefit as you're the one using it. I couldn't manage in a relationship with this level of angst over £50 here or there, yet you're both apparently feeling a lot of pressure around getting the correct share. So you aren't really operating as "partners", but as co-parents and housemates. Is that really the kind of relationship you both want, because it sounds really hard work? If it is then work out all finances in total and arrange splits (including where house maintenance costs go for each property) based on the full list of all costs and income.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 14:09:27

One more thing, the CB just to clarify was always going towards paying for things for the little one......but it definitely doesn't cover it.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 14:10:23

Sadly MRex, you're spot on there. I'm not exactly enjoying this.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 19-Mar-19 14:11:11

Your dp pays her entire mortgage and receives the entire rental income. It looks as though she’s making a profit. However her income has therefore increased. She will pay more tax. Mortgage interest relief is being phased out so the tax could be substantial and affect other benefits if she is on them.

Apart from paying her mortgage, she’s also paying half of yours. This is basically your rent. Now she wants you to put the child allowance toward childcare fees. What the two of you need to work out is who’s going to pay for your dds nappies, clothes etc.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to pool your disposable income? It will cause far more arguments.

Before you go spending her profits, you should be calculating her tax liability for next year. If she’s got her head screwed on she will be saving to pay it off now. So no, you shouldn’t be expecting the £100 to go into the family kitty as it will be needed for the tax bill.

You say she’s taking a unilateral decision. Did you discuss getting a less demanding and lower paid job with her?

CoastalWave Tue 19-Mar-19 14:20:55

Christ. Sounds like you're shacked up with a lodger like at uni!

You're in a relationship - with a child. You pool your money. Easy. Everything into a joint account. All bills come out of there. Whatever is left over is yours - if it's easier, split it.

I can't ever imagine having this conversation with my husband!!! I earned the majority of the money for the first 4 years we were together, now he earns the most. Who cares!!! So long as the bills are paid and there's some money left over, that's all that matters.

I think you and your 'partner' are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 14:27:56

Yes, the job was discussed and it was agreed that it was in the best interests of all. I'd never make such a decision without involving her.

Thanks for your comments regarding tax we can look in to that.

Like I said earlier, I'm not interested in any of this, it stemed from her comments about 'where the CB is going'.
I've never had any interest in this silly questioning every penny until now.
I was more than happy with how we were coping post change of job until these comments were made.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 14:30:03

Yup CostalWave. You have my complete agreement there.

Mookatron Tue 19-Mar-19 14:32:12

You need to have a sit down and talk it out then OP. Never an easy conversation to start but always feels so much better afterwards - and if it doesn't it either means you have to have the conversation again or, well, y'know. Good luck flowers.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Tue 19-Mar-19 14:48:00

Was the CB question fairly asked ? Perhaps your partner was thinking about setting up an account for child and wondered if you were using the CB as a savings vehicle? So it would have been an uneccesary doubling up of resources. Or was there an anglepoise shining in your eyes and edge to the question? Had the accountant been visited and it was a perfectly neutral forward planning consideration - they asked her - she asked you? It might be a good time if you want to plan a financial future together to suggest a genuine review of where you are, where you want to get to, how are you going to achieve that. Don’t forget about pensions. How are you going to legally cover each other for the benefit of your family. You don’t need to marry but other means of securing your family future are out there. Please consider making wills too.

RandomMess Tue 19-Mar-19 14:53:14

CB is actually not that much income relative to the cost of raising a child so it does seem a bizarre question!

I would want to be having a conversation more about are you both fully committed and if so to join all finances legally in terms of property ownership etc. If money is tight perhaps your DP sells up and they buy into yours and it's becomes 50:50.

Exertionforthemind Tue 19-Mar-19 15:02:37

My thoughts exactly RandomMess.
I mean, it's £80 a doesn't touch the sides.

Clutterbugsmum Tue 19-Mar-19 15:23:50

I would work out exactly how much you spend on DD and take off the £80 and divide the difference show her the figures and ask her to give her share of DD costs.

RandomMess Tue 19-Mar-19 15:38:12

I really think this is about more than the £80 I suspect the reality of living on a reduced income is hitting home and you both feel rather "broke".

Hopefully focusing on an angle of "it seems we are both finding things tight" will open up the conversation rather than focusing on the fact you both feel a bit hard done by!

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