Aibu to be so distraught

[Sosad39]

over the death of someone I have never met? I'm talking about the young reality star Mike Thalassitis. I always feel sick and very sad when I hear of taking someone taking their own lives,but on hearing of his death I was actually physically sick and I can't stop crying,and I mean full blown sobbing at times. The depth of my emotions is scaring me, and yesterday my grown up daughter caught me sobbing just after I'd watched his friend's interview on This Morning,she comforted me but although I appreciated her sweet efforts I didn't want her to because it just made me cry more and I felt so out of control and really embarrassed for her to see me reacting like that over a reality star,and then to top it off my 19yr old came down and asked what was wrong and just gave me a look when she explained to him what I was crying over.
I'm pretty sure why I'm reacting so badly. I think it's because it was the anniversary of my brother's death. He hung himself 15 years ago and I was trying so hard to be strong for my mum and my young family that I probably didn't grieve properly. Instead I turned to drink to numb my pain and became alcohol dependant,which thankfully I have now conquered. I have had a bit of counselling for depression and anxiety where we touched on my brother's death,but it just wasn't for me.
I just can't help thinking about a young beautiful man,with his whole life ahead of him creeping out of the house with a noose to go and quietly kill himself. How lonely he must have been,how scared,how desperately sad. What were his final thoughts? Did he know how loved he was? If not,why not? He was setting up a business,his life was apparently on track.
It scares me so much too because mental illness runs in my family. My eldest and my youngest son suffer with social phobia/anxiety and my youngest daughter-she who was comforting me-has had some problems too. I have had suicidal thoughts many times in the past,the only thing stopping me was that I just could not put my mum through that again,and partly my children-not so much though because at times I've been so down on myself that I've thought they'd be better off without me. Anyway,I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry about that,but I think writing this all down is actually quite therapeutic for me,so I don't care if you've given up reading haha. So as I was saying,though my children are doing ok everyone thought that Mike was doing ok didn't they,and I am so scared that history will repeat itself and I just couldn't bear that.
I keep thinking about how distraught Mike's family and friends must be feeling,how guilty,shocked and lost. My heart breaks for them and for Mike himself who could see no other way out of his pit of despair. Rip in the arms of your gran Mike xx And please if there's anyone still reading this,and who feel like they've had enough of this world please hang on in there,it may take a little while but things can only get better from now on, you are loved,reach out to your friends and family,don't feel like you are burdening them with your problems,they will in fact thank you for the chance you give them to help you. Please please give them that chance to show you how much they love and care for you xxx

[BluebadgenPIP]

Please go and talk to your doctor about your feelings. They can help you.

[theresafoxunderthedecking]

you seem to have grief for your brother and this is manifesting through this latest death, you are releasing all that pent up grief that should have gone years ago. your dc are young people too and it's heart breaking to look at them and think a mother /father /family have lost their young person.
what would they have done in life ? so many questions left unanswered.
you might benefit from breavement counselling and perhaps speak with your dr.