To have called nspcc.

[PurpleThistles]

My dd2 is 12 and on friday, her best friend of the same age had a sleepover at our home. Nothing out of the usual there. Next day, saturday, my dc go for visitation with their father and so the best friend usually heads home when they go.

This time however, she was visibly upset and after some gentle prodding, she told me her father, who has custody of her, had actually told her not to come home on friday night, because she had not informed him she was going to a youth club that same day, after school. He had text her and told her to 'find somewhere else to stay'.

She went on to say she was frightened to go home because her father drinks with her uncle on a saturday night and gets nasty towards her, threatening to hit her and throwing things about.

There was no way i was going to make her go home and eventually the father text her to say he would phone the police to bring her home. She told him to go ahead as she would tell the police he had been threatening to hit her...to which he replied yes, and so what? Her nan lives with them too and the father said it would be my dd's friend word against his and that the nan would side with him so noone would believe her. He then said she could stay but would be grounded with no phone when she returned home on the sunday.

Sunday morning, i phoned the nspcc. I didnt know best what to do as i wasnt comfortable with her going home. The nspcc contacted the local social services and long story short, social services are opening an investigation.

The problem i have, is i know that the likelyhood is nothing much will happen. I had to report my own kids father three times to the police before they eventually took it seriously and convicted him. Unfortunately, all i have probably done is made things worse for her and also for my dd2 as of course the father will not let his DD socialise with my dd out of school now.

I dont know if i did the right thing and my dd's friend wasnt in school today, i am so worried. What would you have done?

[Gruzinkerbell1]

I’d have done exactly what you did and I’d also tell the school all of your concerns if the girl isn’t back in school tomorrow.

Poor girl. Where is her mum?

[Boredgiraffes]

I would have done what you did, you reported it, it’s so sad, but you did everything you could

[SleepingStandingUp]

You couldn't not report it.

I don't suppose you got copies of any of the texts?

Tomorrow tell school what you did, it'll give them a heads up if she's not in tomorrow or if she is but there's any concerns.

I assume she knows you called them, so you haven't "violated" her trust.

If you'd kept quiet it would just prove to her that all the adults collude to abuse her.

[Nickpan]

good on you

[Alsbals]

This is awful 😔 I feel so bad for the poor girl but I think you did the right thing. Such a shame

[PurpleThistles]

She knows i called them, i explained to her why I had to. I phoned the school this morning and spoke to the deputy head who was absolutely lovely. The friend sent my dd screenshots of the texts so we have them.

It is just that from my own experience, as he hasnt actually hit her, the chances are nothing will be done, not even a rap on the wrist. It was only when my ex husband actually hit my ds that anything happened, despite the fact i reported his threatening behaviour twice beforehand.

Its also been difficult to get my head round, i have met the father and chatted with him many times, he seemed such a doting, caring dad. My DD told me that she has witnessed the fathers behaviour towards her friend before but her friend begged her not to tell anyone so she didnt.

[Lizzie48]

Well done, OP, you definitely did the right thing. And I agree that you should give the school a heads-up on this. That poor girl.

[PurpleThistles]

Sorry i missed the question about her mum. I havent met her mum but i know she lives locally and dd's friend has some kind of relationship with her. She is an alcoholic unfortunately and there has been concerns regarding drugs. This is what dd friend has told me anyways.

I guess thats how i felt. Despite my fears of reporting it making things worse for her, i didnt feel i really had a choice. My dd, as much as her friend, were looking to me to help. I went over a few different scenarios, thought of trying to talk to the friends dad, but i am third trimster pregnant and felt it might be a risky thing to do.

I really felt backed into a corner. The only good thing as such is at least this incident will be logged and on record.

Her father was supposed to be the one that provided her with security and stability, but he is using his court order and his position as the more stable parent against her. Its just awful.

[IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls]

Id have done what you did.

You were 100% spot on.

[Stargazer888]

You did the right thing and I understand why you are feeling so helpless. I hope there is a positive outcome.

[ImaLumberJack]

Similar happened to me as a child - my friend's parents ended up fostering me.

[PregnantSea]

Please don't second guess yourself here OP. I wish someone had done this for me when I was a child. Things might have been very different. Even if they don't do as much as you want them to, at the very least you've believed her and taken her side. That will mean the world to her. She knows she can come to you.

Agree that letting school know would be a good idea x

[LikeSilentRaindrops]

I was your DD’s friend as a child and no adult ever did anything. Led to some serious trust issues for me - 100% you did the right thing. At least she knows someone has her back, whatever happens.

[PurpleThistles]

Dd friend knows it already but i reminded her that she will always have a home here with me and my dc, i made sure that this was passed on to social services if they felt the need to place her anywhere whilst conducting the investigation.

Thank you, you have all made me feel a little better, i will just have to hope that the father is better man than my dc father and will get enough of a fright that he will treat his dd better. Sadly, the cynic in me thinks its unlikely though.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

You did absolutely the right thing.
I suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and I wish that someone had reported her to the authorities. Too many people turn a blind eye.
I’m sure it will mean such a lot to your DD’s friend to know she has someone in her corner. SS/School/Police can’t tell you much unfortunately so you just have to hope it gives the Dad a kick up the arse needed or sparks a change for the girl.

[PurpleThistles]

My brother and I had an abusive childhood. I remember thinking many times as a young teenager, how nobody seemed to notice or if they did, how they were able to ignore it.

I think its easy to think, oh if i report this it will stop the abuse and everything will be okay, though. The sad fact of the matter is that in my own experience, until a child is actually physically hurt, reporting abuse doesnt change much at all and can just mean the abusive parent becomes more cunning about it and may teach the child that there wasnt any point reaching out for help.

Despite feeling the above though, it still didnt feel like i had a choice in whether to report it or not. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

PurpleThistles I understand what you mean, reporting doesn’t always mean the authorities will swoop in and save the child but if it’s any consolation I still think you did the right thing by reporting. And your DD’s friend will at least know someone is there for her

[MRex]

Sometimes they need multiple reports, it might be that there have been other concerns raised before. You've let her know she can come to you and that his behaviour is wrong; those are the most important things.

[CandyflossKid]

Well done on doing the right thing.

[FedUpParent]

I was also absused as a child and even covered in bruises, confiding to school teachers/friends/etc that I was hit by my mother noone ever intervened. It’s like people chose to look the other way.

What you’ve done for this girl and offering a safe place is amazing OP, even if the services don’t help she knows there’s someone out there believes her and cares

[FraggleRocking]

You definitely did the right thing. I wonder though - and of course this isn’t your responsibility OP but just a thought, is the Nan vulnerable too? If the Father has threatening tendencies it probably extends to the household. I’m not familiar with these situations. Will SS explore this too?

[RB68]

Makes you wonder if there is elder abuse going on as well given what he said he sounds like a bully and manipulator

[DirtyNumbAngel]

You absolutely did the right thing OP, please don't doubt yourself. More children would be safer if there were more people like you.

This poor girl must have a horrible life, but how much will it mean to her that she had the courage to confide in you and you listened to her, believed her, and stuck up for her. Please let her know (through your daughter if needs be) that you will always be there for her. you've probably already helped her much more than you know.

[Easterbunnyiscomingsoon]

Once my dd's stayed at a friend's house and witnessed her being hit. I rang school who got the safeguarding team involved. Ss visited, unfortunately dd's aren't allowed to hang out with her now, and they are still with their dps. No regrets though.

[BejamNostalgia]

OP, you seem to think that SS are either pressing criminal charges against people and taking their kids away or doing nothing and that there is nothing in between which is not true. There are a lot of interventions in between. It’s not fair or correct to say social services will do nothing.