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To feel hurt at my partners self confessed porn addiction?!

(17 Posts)
NameChanger871 Tue 19-Mar-19 00:27:08

Long post...

DP and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we have a 3yo DS. We are in the process of buying our own house as we speak. DP is 12 years my senior.
DP has massive body image issues stemming from childhood, they effect his self esteem and his moods and would say they are a form of body dysmorphia as they are not justified. I have tried everything to be supportive but am often left feeling helpless and ready to give up as he is such a closed book. But I DO love him and we always end up working things out —until the next time—

When we’re ‘up’ (which is most of the time tbf) we have a good relationship and share most things equally etc- he’s a very hands on Dad, and I feel I can talk to him openly and he is affectionate.
We have struggled with our sex life since DP was born. I had a botched episiotomy which meant we didn’t have sex properly for around 8/9 months afterwards. Since then I have often felt like he is not attracted to me as he doesn’t seem very interested in sex with me day to day. We probably have sex every 4-6 weeks and it’s normally me who initiates it. He’s promised me he definitely does still fancy me and he just feels low about himself and his sex drive is also low But he rarely shows an interest in sex with me. I don’t want to appear big headed but DP has been told by his friends in jest that he is ‘punching’ with me (which is a term I hate!) but my confidence sexually is shot as I don’t feel he really agrees with this personally and I feel taken for granted by him in this regard.
Tonight we were supposed to have sex. It was apparent DP was not on the same page and I went to bed alone in a mood. He followed me up and grovelled before trying it on. The mood had passed and I felt annoyed at his lack of effort again. He then told me to my surprise that he has been actively trying to give up watching porn for the last week. I knew he watched it (as most men do I assume?) but he told me it is every day, sometimes several times and pretty much whenever he is alone. He was vague but mentioned it could be in the toilet in work. I imagine it is also every time he goes the toilet at home and whenever he has a shower or a lie in or a nap?! He told me he recognised this could be having an effect on our relationship and that he had a problem. He said it is hard for him to want sex when he has already effectively been sexual that day. He asked me to put a password on restricted content on his phone and not tell him so he could stop. (I haven’t). He described himself as having a very high sex drive - but I would describe it these days as being very low (if only I knew!). I asked him about content and he said it really was just normal sex and nothing extreme or hardcore.
I am glad he has told me and that he is actively trying to stop this. But I feel hurt. For years I have wondered why he doesn’t want me and now I know why. Although he is not having sex with other women, he would rather watch porn than be with me, and in turn my confidence has taken an absolutely huge knock.
DP doesn’t understand why I’m upset. I have stressed I’m not annoyed with him and I am grateful he has told me but that I feel hurt and betrayed and need his comfort. He has then got very defensive and told me I’m being a ‘drama queen’ and this is why he doesn’t tell me things. I think he’s being selfish. AIBU in any way here? And what the hell do I do?! I can deal with it if he’s trying to stop it but it hurts me that my feelings about this don’t seem to matter to him just because he’s told me. Ive told him to sleep on the couch so that’s where he is!

Nameisthegame Tue 19-Mar-19 02:38:11

I think you should both go to couples counseling. You both have a lot going on and need a safe and mediated place to discuss your problems. It might even be worth seeing the doctor for yourself Incase your low sex drive has a medical reason. All the best x

4free Tue 19-Mar-19 02:52:56

Yanbu. This would hurt me too, its rejection, id feel the same op. Good that hes recognised its a problem and wants to stop, but he has to realise that hes caused hurt too. Up to you if you can forgive and move on.

Sadiesnakes Tue 19-Mar-19 02:53:39

No, not U at all, he's basically cheating on you with porn. Why wouldn't you feel hurt?

And no, your "poor" dh doesn't need counseling to help him find out why he needs to wank incessantly to people having sex, it's a bullshit addiction fabricated by selfish, lazy men. He just needs to fucking stop.

You'll prob need counseling though to undo the damage he's caused to your self esteem.

motherheroic Tue 19-Mar-19 06:29:02

Sex/porn addiction isn't fake just because you don't understand it. And men aren't the only ones who suffer with it.

jaseyraex Tue 19-Mar-19 07:25:23

Your DH needs to recognise how seriously this can affect your relationship. My DH was addicted to porn and it almost ruined us.
I knew he was addicted but he didn't see the problem. Watching every day at every opportunity he got (not wanking every time btw to PP, that's not always the case). I was close to leaving, we'd not long had DS1 when it was at its worst. He attended a sex addicts anonymous meeting, more to shut me up than anything, but it was going to that meeting that made him realise the extent of the problem. He went religiously every week for two years. He's 18 months "sober". He goes once a month to the meetings still, and he completed a 12 step programme, the meetings are great for him.
Your DH should consider doing the same if he knows that it's affecting your relationship but is struggling to stop on his own. You can get through it but it is entirely your decision wether you want to get through it. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything flowers

jaseyraex Tue 19-Mar-19 07:26:31

Also there are 6 women at the meeting DH attends. It's not only men.

Chancewouldbeafinethlng Tue 19-Mar-19 07:29:13

Too much to pick apart here. You/he definitely need some counselling.
He’s being extremely unfair to dump this news on you and then belittle your feelings over it.

He has an addiction and needs to sort it ASAP. It’s not up to you to mummy him and restrict him. He needs to do it himself.

Skittlesss Tue 19-Mar-19 07:32:32

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I don’t think this is about you, or how attractive he finds you or anything like that. It’s about him and his mental health - he has a problem and now he needs to seek help for it. Please don’t blame yourself as you couldn’t stop this happening. flowers

moita Tue 19-Mar-19 08:09:02

And no, your "poor" dh doesn't need counseling to help him find out why he needs to wank incessantly to people having sex, it's a bullshit addiction fabricated by selfish, lazy men. He just needs to fucking stop.

Do you think the same with people addicted to drugs?

OP I agree counselling is needed. Both seperatly (for him) and as a couple

NameChanger871 Tue 19-Mar-19 08:10:28

Thanks for your responses. I’ve barely slept a wink!
Counselling is definitely something I think he/we need. I have suggested it to him many many times especially about body issues and at times he has promised me he’ll go but never does. I’ve suggested it again for this but he’s not been too forthcoming about it as yet.
We’ve spoken this morning and he says that he’s taken online tests which have said he isn’t an addict but he still thinks it’s not healthy and that’s why he’s decided to stop. He said he feels he’s done a good thing and I’m ‘dwelling’ on the negative and have escalated this. I feel he may be backtracking slightly. I have reiterated I agree it’s a good thing but that I just wanted some acknowledgement that this is hurtful for me too and hard to hear considering I’ve felt rejection for a long time.

Thanks jaseyraex that is very positive to hear. I’m sorry you had to go through that but glad that your DH was able to come through the other side of it. flowers

yanboo Tue 19-Mar-19 08:12:17

Porn is disgusting. It’s no wonder you’re upset.

Suggest he starts weightlifting. It is great for mood and self esteem (DH is very happy on it). It will also keep his hands busy.

Damntheman Tue 19-Mar-19 08:45:10

I don’t think this is about you, or how attractive he finds you or anything like that. It’s about him and his mental health - he has a problem and now he needs to seek help for it. Please don’t blame yourself as you couldn’t stop this happening

This. So much this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. And it's very natural to feel hurt and rejected personally because of it. But this is a mental health problem he's suffering rather than a statement on your attractiveness to him.

Get him to some meetings, it's good that he wants to stop but addicts often need help. That doesn't mean that your needs and feelings shouldn't be considered, kind to yourself! I hope he is able to put the effort in to get sober.

Sadiesnakes Tue 19-Mar-19 08:59:34

Nope.. Still have no sympathy for people who become "addicted" to watching paid rape on the daily. And then cry about THEIR lives, Fts.

NameChanger871 Tue 19-Mar-19 12:22:17

I do believe people can become addicted
to it, especially in this day and age when the internet is something we constantly use so is therefore so accessible. I’m trying to understand it and not take it personally. I really want him to talk to someone about his issues, I’m losing count of them!

Scorpvenus1 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:16:03

To be addicted to Drugs alcohol and nicotine I believe so

Porn is not an addiction, its someone who has lack of self-control, self-respect and no strength inside them to say no

Elmo311 Fri 22-Mar-19 17:24:48

Hope you can sort this out OP!
Try not to 'punish' him for being honest with you, it may make him hide it again and you'll need for him to be able to speak to you about this going forward

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