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Hiding pregnancy until 20+ weeks from family

(10 Posts)
ivegotasecretcanyoukeepit Mon 18-Mar-19 20:25:19

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to not tell our families about pregnancy until around 22 weeks?

During my first pregnancy, we received very bad news at the 20 week scan & immediate family on both sides made the situation much worse than it already was- giving opinions on what they'd do, saying how awful and upsetting the situation was on them or researching things online & saying they'd read differently to our specialist's advice. Needless to say, it made a hard situation even harder.

DH & I have decided it might be best to not share the news with them until after the anomaly scan (around 22 weeks) so potentially sharing news at 23-24 weeks. He's raised that the immediate family members (our parents) might be angry or upset at the timing & it may cause some disputes so he's not sure if we should just tell them sooner but I don't think it's unreasonable to wait given the circumstances.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable by hiding it for so long or not. I know DH is probably right & there will be friction when they find out though.

SweetAsSpice Mon 18-Mar-19 20:29:09

Yanbu, especially considering your previous pregnancy flowers

If they can't understand that, that's their problem, not yours.

However, will you personally be able to keep it from them for that long? I was so sick I couldn't have hidden it (and I didn't see family members particularly regularly)

Bibijayne Mon 18-Mar-19 20:29:11

YADNBU - your pregnancy, your choice. If they made things hard before, I totally understand wanting to wait this time.

Shortandsweet96 Mon 18-Mar-19 20:32:28

I'm sorry that your family made a bad situation worse.

Normally I would say to tell you family as they can be a structure of support if the worst were to happen, and that we as women shouldn't be ashamed of unsuccessful pregnancy for whatever reason. But given your situation I understand why you wouldnt want to tell them.
Just point blank denial is the most effective. No unnecessary stories to cover it up, that's what make people think. Just say no when asked. You dont owe anyone an explanation, and given previous events they shouldn't ask for one.

Sizeofalentil Mon 18-Mar-19 20:33:24

Yanbu. Have you considered taking the harmony test? I'm unsure if it would help you, but they scan for abnormalities via a blood test at 10weeks (results back at 12weeks)

TwoRoundabouts Mon 18-Mar-19 20:33:41

How comes your anomaly scan so late? Mine was at exactly 20 weeks.

And no I didn't tell my family and friends until 20 weeks after my scan due to my partner already having one child with disabilities.

Bomato Mon 18-Mar-19 20:34:16

YANBU - it's your news to share when and how you want to X

BunsOfAnarchy Mon 18-Mar-19 20:36:46

Why would anyone be angry? They'd be incredibly unreasonable and selfish if they are upset when you tell them

I think your decision is a good one given how they reacted when you guys would have needed better support from them from last time round.

Don't feel bad and in fact dont even give it another thought as to how they'll react. This is about you and baby. Hope all is well xxx

HateWarts Mon 18-Mar-19 20:49:47

I’d advise not telling them until then also, it’ll be better for you! Good luck

ivegotasecretcanyoukeepit Mon 18-Mar-19 20:54:15

Thank you everyone.

The issue couldn't be detected on chromosomal testing unfortunately. Harmony and amniocentesis were normal in my last pregnancy. It's not that I'm just worried about the same condition- I'm on high alert for anything going wrong this time.

Last time, we had to announce it to one side of the family before we were ready/ the 12 week scan as we were quizzed & it became awkward, the other side were then angry because they found out after the 12 week scan 4 weeks later. hmm

We've not been around anyone much so the sickness was been disguised as a stomach bug during the one visit we had (handily DD actually had bug so it worked well!)

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