Feeling resentment about moving back??(8 Posts)
Apologies for the super long post!
DH and I met in my home country. After we got married, I agreed to move back with him to the UK (where he was born). We lived in London together for 9 years and had two DC in that time period. The UK was a big culture shock for me, but I adjusted as well as I could and I did enjoy it to a certain point.
Then he was offered a great position at an international company in my home country which he then went for, after we both mutually agreed. At that time, I had just finished a course in London and had started working part time.
When we moved back to my home country, it was great for us to be around my family and friends. I do admit we have a good support network over here which we didn’t have in the UK. And now with kids as well, it makes a big difference.
However, now after 3 and a half years abroad, I can see he is getting homesick for the UK (unlike me), he has started complaining about how expensive the ME has become, the sky high school fees (which aren’t covered sadly), general cost of living, No savings, etc....
To make things even worse, his company has gradually started sending him on work trips abroad on a more regular basis, which he absolutely hates. So he is now basically only around during the weekends. And naturally he is utterly drained!
I have tried asking him to sit with his superiors to discuss reducing his travel time, reminding them that he has a young family, etc but he keeps saying most of their clients in the ME these days are abroad and unfortunately as a consultant his role requires this kind of constant travel. He cannot Skype or do any of that as they don’t operate this way over here.
I do find it unfair as they (his work) never said in his job description it would involve this MUCH travel. I feel they are taking advantage and he is letting them.
As for me I worked part time initially first year I came back home, but after DH’s long hours at work plus travel, we decided its best I be the SAHP and manage the household and the DC. We don’t believe in having nannies take care of the kids so i have taken a big hit to my career being out of work for a long time now. I do miss working but it’s a sacrifice I was happy to make and he earns so much more than me that it makes more sense financially.
We have discussed him looking for another job here, but he's not having much luck. The pay would be so much lower we would have to downsize drastically in every way.
I have been looking to get back to work as well. I would need 2 more years to get qualified to earn half decent money if I was to support us and I don’t think he will last that long here tbh waiting for me. He also has said he isn’t happy to be at home all day
The only options left would be for me to either homeschool the kids as that would save us a lot.I wouldn't know where to start to be honest and I would feel so guilty as my children absolutely love going to their school here and are thriving with their friends and teachers. Another option is for him to move back on his own to the UK and I don’t think that would be fair for any to be away from each other for so much time.
The only other option is to cut our losses and move back to the UK where he hopefully finds another well paid job like this one sans travel. This is the option he wants to go for obviously.
He is now talking about sending me and the DC over to the UK first, for a couple of months so we can save some more money to relocate our stuff. I’m dreading it to be honest but I’m hoping it will work out? I have no clue how to apply for schools, with one DS starting secondary next year and one still in junior primary. I also do feel some resentment inside which I hope won’t keep growing. The fact that I coped 9 years in his town while he couldn’t last half that long abroad. I know I will miss my family and friends terribly and the outdoor lifestyle which we take for granted here.
AIBU in how I’m feeling now? And any advice or tips about how to move back to the UK (west london to be more precise) with children.
Just finding it so daunting at the moment
You are being a bit unreasonable with regards to feeling like he is being taken advantage of, if he's a consultant then as you've mentioned travel is part of the job and if there's work available with a client and your husband has the right skillset, he will be sold to the client as opposed to being paid to sit on the bench.
It does sound like your husband is being unreasonable however, wanting to uproute everyone now they are settled and considering how long you managed to stay in a London before.
Surely there will be a sector or service that his particular skills are aligned to where he could excell? He could also freelance for a while? Do you feel like he could find an adequate job where you are if he was just a little bit more patient?
Unless you're a uk citizen or have over a certain amount in savings (£62500 I think) together he would need to have a job in place before you move back to the uk--the spouse visa rules are quite strict.
I don't have more specific advice for your situation but I do really feel for you both.
@francienolan yes I have been naturalized UK citizen so it's not an issue.
@LucyAutumn freelancing I think would be ideal yes, and give him some much needed respite. It would be ideal if he can find a better opportunity here abroad but I don't think he really wants to. It's a shame because we (the kids and I) feel really settled here
That's good. Still the emotional aspect is rough and I hope you find a solution that works for you both.
Don't homeschool your kids! It's not fair on them and could really damage their future (if you're not qualified and don't know how to, as well as that it would be terribly sad for them to have to stop going to a school they love and seeing their friends.) I am not against homeschooling in theory and if it was what was best for the children (and the children were keen on the idea) then I think I can be great. But in this case it would be remarkably selfish. Your husband doesn't NEED to stop travelling and you don't NEED to remain in your home country - one of you should make the sacrifice, not your children! (Sorry, not trying to sound harsh.) Your husband is being a bit of a baby to be honest if travel is what his job entails. He must have expected that before he took the job? But also, if you've already lived in the UK and were happy here then you could try again. I don't know what I'd do! I just know I wouldn't take my kids out of a school they love to save money if it wasn't 100% necessary and there was no other options
@KathyS901 thanks for your honest advice You are right of course and not being harsh at all! In theory homeschooling might be an option but I wouldn't be able to go through with it in reality. It's so unfair on the DC and they shouldn't have to pay the price for our mistakes. After all, had we stayed in the UK they would already be settled in school and I would never even consider homeschooling as option. My DH has admitted he thinks it's a big mistake he took this job abroad in the first place and I hate to see him so unhappy, but maybe he's right. I guess I wasn't expecting him to throw in the towel soon and that's why I'm so disappointed. I can't force him to stay at a job he hates if he's the main breadwinner in this family so its a no win situation for us. And unless miraculously a job comes up with school fees included and no crazy travel, we are headed on a one way ticket back to UK in the near future. Will have to try hard to be optimistic and just hoping the move back to the UK in won't be too harsh on my DC leaving their schools and family behind 🙏 however will expect DH to make changes and have a better life work balance once we settle back, like be more involved at home. Possibly me picking up my career where I left off and going back part time again. I will definitely not tolerate another role for him that involves travel like this again if we do move back, that's for sure
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