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Aib u to ask what age did you become invisible and do you miss the attention of the opposite sex.

(234 Posts)
whatisforteamum Mon 18-Mar-19 17:51:19

Until now I always thought it was a myth.I am 52 however I am slim energetic with a young sense of humour and taste in music.Having a teenager at home I keep up with the latest trends through him.I work long hours and have the stamina people half my age lack.I work with people in their 20s.
Recently though there is no denying my wrinkles.Previously I thought they were a badge of honour.Now I just feel old.Men do give me second glances when I am out.However for the most part I feel invisible.
I have never been pretty more attractive I think.What age did you feel like this?

IM0GEN Mon 18-Mar-19 17:53:10

Ive never felt like this. Im very happy that I’m no longer sexually harassed.

Ottessa Mon 18-Mar-19 17:56:50

Having never built my self-esteem over my 'visibility' in male eyes, I can report that life aged 46 is much the same as it was aged 26.

Honestly, OP, cop on. Ask yourself what in your socialisation has taught you that your looks, as judged by men in the street, are this important.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 18-Mar-19 17:57:30

Im the opposite. I didn't really fully grow into myself until my mid 30s. I had a few boy friends, but nothing serious. I certainly didn't appeal to men.
On a night out all the blokes would be flocking around my friends and id be stood there getting told my mates were fit. I'm not ashamed to admit, I used to go home and cry.
However its flipped the other way now. Swings and round abouts, I guess.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 18-Mar-19 18:01:19

Was always invisible to most men. I was a massive punk rocker and dressed 'aggressively' so never got attention off normal men anyway. Lol. Found punk rock males, even aging ones, aren't as into conventional youth and looks as most men my seem to be. Thankfully. I still hang round in alternative circles and get pretty much the same amount of attention at 50 i did at 25.

Only time I got lots of attention of normal men was after my marraige broke down in my mid thirties. It was like they could smell vulnerability!!

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Mon 18-Mar-19 18:01:54

For me, 30. I was a SM to two and looking (and still do) really haggard due to poverty and the effects of EA from my selfish cunting rapist, pot and other substance using exh their father

Margotshypotheticaldog Mon 18-Mar-19 18:02:41

I'm 46, already pretty invisible. I think it happened gradually so I acclimatised gradually. It really hit me one particular day though. I was struggling to get a large purchase into the back of my car, and a guy in his 20s rushed towards me. My first thought was "aaaaghh! Mugger!!" instead of, as in my younger days, presuming he was about to hit on me. ☺
He was trying to help BTW, not mug me.
I don't miss the unwanted attention, I never really liked it.
And I love love going to the beach and not giving a shit how I look.

Margotshypotheticaldog Mon 18-Mar-19 18:06:03

I don't think I measured my value in terms of how I looked, as a pp said. But it annoyed me that others did, that men would only talk to me because of how I looked.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 18:06:40

I feel the same. 😟
I think it was around 40 when I realised that I hadn't been looked up and down in the street for ages. I miss it, '''twas fun.

DramaAlpaca Mon 18-Mar-19 18:06:55

I've never judged myself on how attractive I am to men & my self esteem hasn't ever been built on that. I don't know if I'm invisible or not, I don't care a jot. I'm 55 & fabulous grin

Oysterbabe Mon 18-Mar-19 18:07:40

I'm 38 and invisible. I was thinking just the other day how much I enjoy it, so much less stressful.

Hiddenaspie1973 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:07:56

I've been invisible for years now. Im 45.
I'll be honest, it's very freeing to leave the youngsters to all that attention from men. Most of it is negative, most guys are chancers punching above their weight.
They're welcome. I've had my share of looks and attention which caused no end of aggro.
I'm taken more seriously and the contents of my mind are valued over the contents of my bra and knickers. It's good for me.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 18:09:46

I don't think it's 'measuring my value by how attractive I am to men' as a few posters have said, more just a bit of fun when you pass someone, equal for both the male and the female.

MsTSwift Mon 18-Mar-19 18:10:04

Frankly it’s a relief. Got lots of attention double takes leering flashing grim comments weird sexual aggression from men. Hit 33 and had a baby bam it stops. Result!

MsTSwift Mon 18-Mar-19 18:12:51

Yes a business contact asked me to lunch the other day. 15 years ago he would have used it as a pretext to ask me out that happened all the time. Now...he just wanted to talk business grin

April241 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:12:55

I'm 32 and guess I'm either invisible, don't go out enough to actually be noticed or don't give a shit if I am out grin. I go out that rarely since having kids that when I am out I'm too focused on my husband and/or friends to notice what's going on round about me.

PositiveVibez Mon 18-Mar-19 18:13:11

I'm in my 40s and can never imagine feeling like this.

I couldn't give two shits about receiving male attention for how I look, so I don't know if I'm 'invisible' to the male gaze.

Why is it so important to you to keep young and trendy?

Asta19 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:13:26

These threads always bring out the people who will say that you are wrong if you miss male attention. We're all supposed to breathe a sigh of relief that we're no longer "sexually harassed". Well I'll admit it, I miss it! It happened to me around the age of 48. Suddenly I looked my age after years of looking younger.

If I go to a pub now I don't attract a single glance, and I would like to! I'm single and I bloody hate OLD. In my younger years that's how I met partners, out socialising. But now I'm invisible where does that leave me? If I was married or with a long term partner maybe I would feel differently but as a single woman, it sucks.

Adiia Mon 18-Mar-19 18:13:40

In my twenties. Became muslim, put on islamic clothes(headscarf, long black robe) and pouf! Invisible!

MorrisZapp Mon 18-Mar-19 18:14:07

If I wear my heeled boots and a lick of makeup I still get turned heads. I'm 47. I'll be gutted when it's gone.

Peanuthedz Mon 18-Mar-19 18:15:20

Still got it at 50. Turn men's heads all the time. Dating a 35 year old.

GraceMarks Mon 18-Mar-19 18:18:13

Ha, I'm fat so I've never actually been visible. Suits me fine.

whatisforteamum Mon 18-Mar-19 18:18:48

Perhaps I expressed this wrongly.I don't normally worry what others think too much.I am not vain either I just think it is nice to be seen as attractive as well as hard working and a good parent.
A guy said I was ugly last week and to a colleague in her 20s.Seeing pictures of myself recently I do look older.I do make an effort to wear colour and dress nicely not mutton dressed as lamb though.I think my self esteem has taken a plummet.

lidoshuffle Mon 18-Mar-19 18:19:26

60 and love the invisibility. Combined with a 'don't give a damn and am going to plough my own furrow' which comes with age for many people, I feel freer and happier than for decades.

GrumpyOldMare Mon 18-Mar-19 18:20:38

I'm 54 and been happily invisible for years. Hated being eyed up or leered at by men. I'm a person not an object.

marvellousnightforamooncup Mon 18-Mar-19 18:20:46

About 40, and also when pregnant. I'm absolutely delighted to be invisible and haven't missed it for a second. It's so liberating and I couldn't give a shiny shit about what men think of me.

topcat2014 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:21:29

Well, I am not aware of ever having been 'visible' to the opposite sex. Somewhere along the way I managed to find a DW (I am male) but apart from that not something I recall.

I suppose someone could have liked what they saw once whistful smile

Mylifeisboring Mon 18-Mar-19 18:22:23

Never had any attention from men, always the quiet one looking uncomfortable. More confident now, still get ignored and very happy with that as I care less now.

BloggersNet Mon 18-Mar-19 18:22:50

I only had that kind of attention in my teens and early twenties. For me it was mostly unwelcome though sometimes fun. I've long since been invisible to most men and very happy that way.

Skyejuly Mon 18-Mar-19 18:23:45

31

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 18-Mar-19 18:24:15

flowers. That bloke is fuckin shit head. I'm not going to say. "Oh don't let it upset you." I know better than any one. It does cut deeply.
However what's he a top male modellehmm. I bet He's got a face like a sorry arse. If people can give it they can take it.

Alsohuman Mon 18-Mar-19 18:24:35

The really weird thing I find is that I now get the attention of other women. Complete strangers tell me they like my shoes/earrings/dress/red lipstick. It's far nicer than male attention, I absolutely love it when someone young enough to be my granddaughter compliments me.

Lottapianos Mon 18-Mar-19 18:24:46

I'm tall, often wear glasses, and usually have short hair so I have rarely had attention from men in the street or in public generally. I'm not remotely sad about it either. It means much more to me when female colleagues or acquaintances say they like my clothes or lipstick or whatever. That sort of attention really does make me feel good

Lottapianos Mon 18-Mar-19 18:26:02

Cross post, alsohuman! I really would be sad if that sort of attention came to an end

JeremyIronsBenFolds Mon 18-Mar-19 18:27:20

Being autistic, I’ve never ever been aware of male attention. I’m nearly 40 and feel as visible or not to men as I ever have. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I’ve known a man has found me attractive (and I’m married to one of them!). I suppose it’s freeing in a way, but I would have liked to feel a bit of that ‘power’ grin.

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Mar-19 18:27:48

I’m 49 and completely invisible. My invisibility cloak started around early 30s and post-babies weight gain. I’ve said before that MI5 ought to recruit me - I could walk round doing anything and no one even notices me. Lots of women get defensive on these threads though and say ‘well I’m NOT invisible’ but if that is true, it’s usually for all the wrong reasons or you are actually famous.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 18-Mar-19 18:28:51

I also think your collegue is a bit of a shit pot for telling you. To me its almost like she couldnt wait to tell you. A lot of people might disagree, but I'd never repeat if I heard anything said about someone if I knew or even thought it would hurt them.
Ignorance is bliss.

shitpark Mon 18-Mar-19 18:29:21

I'm in my early 50's and still,get attention, most of it unwanted. I reciprocate if I like someone, but this involves flirtation over time, rather than one off things while I'm going about a busy day which are just irritating. I expect I will become invisible soon, as I approach 60. Not sure how I'll feel about it, especially if I'm still single.

Bigearringsbigsmile Mon 18-Mar-19 18:29:49

have never had much attention from men ever. Am very tall and hefty and quite plain so...
46 now and feel about 100

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo Mon 18-Mar-19 18:30:12

I’m with you Asta never felt invisible until recently, I’m tall, very slim and attractive looking but something has changed I just don’t feel attractive anymore, I think it could be a bit of my own fault actually, although I don’t look particularly different, I really feel it since hitting 50 I think it’s had quite a negative effect on me actually and that’s coming through in how I’m viewed, need to get my mojo back somehow but it’s disappeared completely, I’m blaming peri.

Alsohuman Mon 18-Mar-19 18:30:36

Oh me too, Lotta!

MsFenellaFielding Mon 18-Mar-19 18:32:15

I'm 50 and work in a tiny coffee shop.

I became invisible around 45 when my marriage broke up, dcs, mental health etc. However, I am viable again. Mind you, mostly from men about the same ageish. Their eyesight is failing but their confidence is not.

whatisforteamum Mon 18-Mar-19 18:32:43

Thank you awwlookat.☺He told us he was a c##t.Some of the things he said were banter.Being called ugly isn't nice at any age.To me it is a guys personality that shines through.No he was not.In his 30s with a self confessed beer belly!!
I agree women's compliments are lovely.

MsFenellaFielding Mon 18-Mar-19 18:33:44

VISABLE not viable! What was I saying about eyesight grin

ChristianGreysAnatomy Mon 18-Mar-19 18:33:58

Unlike all those wise and admirable posters upthread who didn’t build their self esteem on male attention, I did. I can see that now but when I was in my 20s I was too needy and too stupid to realise.

Started to become invisible in late 30s, and had a big dip in self confidence. Now in my early 40s I have reassessed my self worth and feel a lot better for it.

I work in a very male dominated environment and work is a very different and much healthier experience now. I won’t pretend I dont sometimes miss being able to get what I want by flirting though!

Henrysmycat Mon 18-Mar-19 18:34:11

I was extremely popular in my youth with both sexes. But once, I got married, that was it. I don’t give a monkeys if I’m admired or fancied by men as long as my DH fancies me.
I do, however, dress nicely, go to the gym, maintain good skin etc. Now, a comment on my dress sense/face/hair is far more welcome.
Tbh, even if you look like Liz Hurley, 20-somethings will find you “old and ew”.

BrusselPout Mon 18-Mar-19 18:34:15

Mine was in my early 30s, but think it's because I put on 3 stone (I came off the pill and my pcos made a dramatic appearance taking me to a size 20 rather than my usual 14) rather than age.

Now the only time I'm not invisible is when utter fucking cunts people feel the need to insult me in the street for no apparent reason

flyingspaghettimonster Mon 18-Mar-19 18:34:18

I think men stopped thinking of me as attractive age 22 when I reached a size 18... got called a "fat ugly munter" by some asshole boy at college (well, not to my face, an alleged friend decided to tell me her flat mate had said "oh no, does that fat ugly munter have to come?" On a night out.)I had never even heard the term before, and it hurt like hell. It still does 16 years on. I did receive a flurry of attention in ky late 20's when I lost all the weight briefly, but it is clearly a case of thin equals attractive.

These days I am fairly happy not to be noticed, but I wish I could lose the weight for my own sake. I haven't felt pretty in at least 10 years.

VeronicaDinner Mon 18-Mar-19 18:34:35

I've always had a lot of attention. I'm dreading losing it.

I'm 35 now and it's still going strong. My Uber driver on Sunday when I was picked up from a friend's house hungover and in no make up said I had ten minutes to decide whether to be his girlfriend or not. I've had attention of this intensity since I was 16. I was a very ugly child due to facial scarring, so it was life changing for me to suddenly be being chased down the street.

Weirdlookingbricks Mon 18-Mar-19 18:35:03

I'm not attractive and I've never had much male attention around being fancied. I noticed that when I got to 50 I became virtually invisible to everyone though! Shop assistants, adult women, kids - everyone! It was a real shock. It bothered me far more than the lack of attention from men because it was suddenly as if I'd become irrelevant.

VictoriaBun Mon 18-Mar-19 18:37:24

I had to make a phone call yesterday that a little way into it needed me to give my date of birth. From then on I was addressed as lovey !

MsFenellaFielding Mon 18-Mar-19 18:37:57

Interesting many of us find the compliments from a woman more sincere. It does make you feel nice.

ludothedog Mon 18-Mar-19 18:38:25

Don't remember when it happened exactly. I guess it's just slowly creeped up on me. To a certain extent I have deliberately taken steps to become invisible. My job requires that. I don't feel any different than I did in my 20ies though.

Don't worry about your op. I understood perfectly what you meant and it's perfectly possible to feel this way and still have self worth that's not grounded in how the other sex sees you. It's a normal human emotion to want to feel desired and yes unfortunately as women get older they are perceived as becoming less attractive. Shame really.

RomanyQueen1 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:38:43

I'm 52 and don't feel invisible, but I've never really tried to get men's attention.
I think if you get a bit older and go beige well you will be a bit invisible because you'll blend in with the other beige and lilac crepe wearing women.
If you keep bright, cheerful and make eye contact, it's hard to become invisible.

BirdieInTheHand Mon 18-Mar-19 18:40:41

Early 40s

I still scrub up ok but I don't turn heads of strangers any longer. In some ways it's a relief - the biggest that I no longer have to worry that friendliness might be misconstrued.

That's said it's depressing to realise how much of my previously life was oiled by my looks. I didn't realise it at the time but now it's in the past it's painfully obvious. And it's not only men: being looked after in shops by women seems to have also waned.

Sniv Mon 18-Mar-19 18:41:35

I'm early 30s, but I never really get attention from men...unless I'm out with my girlfriend and people clock we're a couple - that seems to bring every skin-crawling creep out of the woodwork. We get offers, comments, catcalls, men following us, men blocking our way, etc, etc, etc.

I hate, hate, hate it. Bring on invisibility; I can't wait.

Aroundtheworldandback Mon 18-Mar-19 18:42:13

I would say I became invisible close to 50. I had a minor facelift (“freshen up”) as the surgeon put it, and now I would say when I scrub up I’m not invisible- i have no problem with wrinkles but the sagging jowels were something else. None of my friends could tell, they just thought I wa looking good but couldn’t put their finger on it.

I know I’m just putting off the inevitable though!

Kaboodler Mon 18-Mar-19 18:42:53

I've had the opposite experience

Teens - fat
Twenties - fat
Thirties - fat
Forty - lost loads of weight and it's now a whole new experience in terms of male attention.

ladymalfoy Mon 18-Mar-19 18:42:55

Why are so many of us concerned about whether we are attractive to complete strangers? I care not a jot. I hear colleagues that are upset because their pupils don’t like them or don’t consider them friends. It’s lunacy. We are dressed by men to compete with other women. Fuck that shit.

Tortycat Mon 18-Mar-19 18:43:24

I used to get a lot of male attention and if I'm honest I loved it. Shallow maybe, but it was a real confidence boost to know a lot of people thought i was attractive.

Noticed becoming more invisible around 40, although this coincided with having small children, a mum tum, living rurally so mainly dressed in wellies and huge coat, and no time to spend on my appearance. So not sure if it was age or the lack of effort. Still have no time or energy as young dc, and attention has not come back!

I do miss it when i think about it, but it bothers me less than i thought it would. I suspect it will when i have more time to spend and yet the attention doesnt come back...

BirdieInTheHand Mon 18-Mar-19 18:45:09

It's not about the attractiveness per se it's that people go out of their way to assist those that they see as attractive. They attach some sort of value to it.

So it's not that men were asking me out but they were definitely more helpful when I needed it.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 18:45:22

A while ago in a deli I was queuing, not an orderly queue, but I was next in line. The good looking male twenty something server completely ignored me to serve the very good looking teenage girl behind me. I was absolutely gutted.
I think it must be much easier if you've never particularly had attention due to looks; if you have, then it disappears, it's tough to take.

DailyMailFuckRightOff Mon 18-Mar-19 18:46:39

Put on a few (three) stone. Whooom! Invisible! Not just to men either. I work in quite a public facing role and am frequently interviewed by bloggers, for TV etc. Overwhelmingly photos of me do not make the cut - generic photos linked to my trade do instead.

I’m actually glad of this thread though. I’d been feeling pretty shit about it, but to see people not giving a monkeys is quite refreshing.

Thank you.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire Mon 18-Mar-19 18:47:03

I used to feel really awkward at all the attention I got because I was very pretty when I was younger so for me it's been an absolute blessing to become invisible at 50. I am happily married though with a really happy social setup so possibly that influences it and if I was looking for a new partner maybe it would be harder.

I don't think that I would ever want anybody else so even if anything happened to my husband I think I would just live on my own because I do like my own space anyway and most relationships seem to be about compromise.

So no I don't miss male attention it just always made me feel embarrassed.

Lottapianos Mon 18-Mar-19 18:47:56

'Interesting many of us find the compliments from a woman more sincere'

I also enjoy compliments from men that I know that are not pervy, like 'you look nice today' or 'that's a cool skirt' or whatever

Kaboodler Mon 18-Mar-19 18:49:46

A guy said I was ugly last week and to a colleague in her 20s.

Why do some people have to be so fucking cruel? Makes me rage. I know it's an inadequacy on their part but it still burns.

I remember a bloke walking towards me and my friend, nudging his friend and then saying to us as he passed 'woah, here come the fatties' as if it was the most hi-fukcin-larious thing in the world. I roared after him (rather coarsely) 'come back and say that to my face, you cunt!' and he looked so shocked and just scurried off as quickly as he could. These bastards rely on people being intimidated into silence. Pity the poor souls who live with these fuckers!

PositiveVibez Mon 18-Mar-19 18:52:53

I think it must be much easier if you've never particularly had attention due to looks; if you have, then it disappears, it's tough to take

So you're saying life's not as hard if you've always been a complete munter 🤣🤣

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 18:56:07

Yup positivevibes. Not as hard in this scenario only though!

drspouse Mon 18-Mar-19 18:56:15

I was harassed but not flirted with in my 20s/30s which is the worst of both worlds.
Now I'm 52 and quite a bit thinner and nobody flirts with me but people do patronise me. Does that count?

Dungeondragon15 Mon 18-Mar-19 18:56:15

I think that being invisible is one of the few things I like about being older and I certainly don't miss male attention. I have teenage daughters and they get a lot of attention and harassment when we go out especially in pubs and I do not envy them at all.

whatisforteamum Mon 18-Mar-19 18:57:01

I am quite loud and opinionated and bossy.I do mostly take on a positive role at work and my GM was an active positive person until she was 93.
I just think desirability is nice.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 18:58:29

I'm loving the amount of women who are enjoying their invisibility. That sounds a nice place to be at.

GirlFliesHome Mon 18-Mar-19 18:59:22

Yes I'd say I have been invisible since I put on a shed load of weight.

But I am not usually considered that attractive anyway.

Oddly enough the most I have ever been propositioned in my life has been the year after I got married- all from married male acquaintances. It was extraordinarily shocking. I think these scum men thought they might have a chance for some no strings whatever because I'd have as much to lose as them. I was deeply shocked. And also shocked to find how nasty and aggressive some of these men become when you turn them down.

So its more restful now, I'd say.

AzureApps Mon 18-Mar-19 19:01:26

44 and enjoying being taken seriously, I am about to go into a new job, mostly male sector, really looking forward to it.

madcatladyforever Mon 18-Mar-19 19:01:36

Probably around 48 as I went through the menopause early.
I don't miss male attention as my feelings for men vanished after the menopause and men who wolf whistled or paid me attention were mostly dick heads anyway.

Generationrenter Mon 18-Mar-19 19:01:54

When I had kids and gained 2 stone!
I used to get a lot of attention. I’ll never forget this one man who said ‘excuse me’ I turned around and greeted him with a massive baby bump and he said ‘sorry ma’am didn’t mean to bother you’ sad
That was pretty much the end of it! No money or time to look good now, I’d Be lying if I said I didn’t miss it massively, I don’t care if that makes me shallow either.

FruHagen Mon 18-Mar-19 19:02:09

If you live in Scandinavia like I do - you're invisible the moment you arrive here. No-one looks at each other! In any way whatsoever.
Young, old, hot, not hot. Everyone is invisible. Some cultural thing were looking at each other is not natural.

It is not good and you realize that not liking being not looked at is not just about feeling sad you're not sexy to men but feeling like you're a ghost to everyone.

drspouse Mon 18-Mar-19 19:02:50

I just think desirability is nice.
Depends who's doing the desiring and how they are letting you know.

isseywithcats Mon 18-Mar-19 19:04:12

im 62 not bad looking for my age still got a good slim figure and am with someone so not looking for attention but when im waiting at the bus stop see the odd interested look from middle aged men, dont take any notice but its still nice to be noticed

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Mon 18-Mar-19 19:04:18

I married quite young, and haven't really given a thought to how desirable I am (in a general sense) since then. I've had men make advances from time to time, but I've never seen that as being about attractiveness (more of a much younger wife must be up for it sort of thing).

One of the great things about being older (I'm 45) is that I've stopped thinking about who likes me, and started concentrating on who/what I like. It's nice. I wouldn't have noticed in my teens if I turned heads or not, and I don't care now so I certainly don't feel any sense of loss.

AssetRichIncomePoor Mon 18-Mar-19 19:05:10

I always had a lot of male attention when I was younger. I'm 48 with DC at university, and still have it. Or, rather, have it again. There was a phase in my 30s when I had small children and an abusive XH, when I just wanted to fade into the background and not draw attention to myself. Now, though, it's a bit like being 20 again. I am happy to be single, though, so just enjoy the flirting/banter when it comes my way.

DiscoDown Mon 18-Mar-19 19:07:41

I've always been invisible. I'm not ugly but not particularly attractive either (plain I suppose), but I have quite low self esteem and I think that shows. So, I get ignored at the bar, in shops, when I'd go out when I was younger I'd occasionally get hit on but nowhere near as much as my friends etc. I got divorced a while ago and have met someone since, we met online so chatted first but I don't kid myself he'd have approached me at a bar for example. I think my life would have been a bit easier if I'd have been pretty, but at least I don't have to worry about losing my looks!

TellySavalashairbrush Mon 18-Mar-19 19:09:26

I’ve never been visible really. In many ways I see it as a blessing my 21yr old dd has been harassed since her mid teens and is very blaise about it, but I feel uncomfortable on her behalf.

IcedPurple Mon 18-Mar-19 19:09:27

@Fruhagen

It is not good and you realize that not liking being not looked at is not just about feeling sad you're not sexy to men but feeling like you're a ghost to everyone.

I once read something similar from someone living in Amsterdam. She said you almost forget what it's like being appreciated as a woman. Yes, I know we should all be above that but I do think most of us - men and women - enjoy a bit of mild flirtation and acknowledgement of our attractiveness. It just makes everyday life a bit nicer.

As for myself, well, I'm getting on for 50 (how did that happen?) and while I do still get some male attention, it's less than before. Though I do say so myself, I was very pretty as a young woman and used to get lots of male attention and if I'm being honest, I liked it.

And if I'm also being honest, when I look around at men my age, there are very few I'd find physically attractive. The men who turn my head tend to be a good 10 years younger, sometimes quite a bit more! So I guess it works both ways, but probably men are less likely to judge their self-worth by how often women turn to look at them in the street. So there's that.

DiscoDown Mon 18-Mar-19 19:09:43

FruHagen, yes I feel like a ghost a lot of the time.

MeAgainAgain Mon 18-Mar-19 19:11:11

I absolutely love the age of invisibility thing -

Converse to other posters it has increased my confidence no end.

I always knew that the comments, beeps, shouts, following, you know the harrassment stuff, even the looks up and down which are too obvious and start when you're so young, I knew that I hated it but I didn't realise how much it impacted me day to day till it stopped. And god it's lovely.

My DH once said I beeped and you didn't turn round why not? Because I learnt not to react when a car beeps when I was about 14. After a good couple years of experience teaching me that turning to a beeping car (instinct) was not a good thing to do.

Now, I have no concern about beeping cars, I can stand on the tube without men staring at my body. I have no fear of comments, being followed. Yes it could happen, but it's been so long since it did I have relaxed.

It is brilliant and I love it grin

Also has coincided with my career taking off, I think men see me more as a person now that I am older. Which has really helped.

I understand that other women miss it. IME though there's a range from "flattering" to "fucking terrifying" and for that reason most women are ambivalent about it. I would have ditched the former as a young woman if it meant none of the latter, in a heartbeat smile

Ohyesiam Mon 18-Mar-19 19:12:06

I love not being constantly appraised. It really frees me up

Coffeepot72 Mon 18-Mar-19 19:13:22

I recently had a pixie cut. I became invisible overnight. But my hair is growing back quite quickly and I get attention again. Weird. I''m 49

lljkk Mon 18-Mar-19 19:14:08

Sometimes I am surprised how old & frumpy I look in the mirror.
So I don't look in the mirror.
Problem solved!
Another one who doesn't miss male attention, hate being centre of attention at any time.

MeAgainAgain Mon 18-Mar-19 19:14:09

lol Ohysesiam said it a tad more succinctly than me!!!

sailorsdelight Mon 18-Mar-19 19:14:11

Quite literally the day after my 40th birthday.
Couldn’t quite believe it but as a gay woman I have to say it’s been an absolute blessing as I never wanted male attention in the first place. I feel for my older single straight girlfriends though. I know some amazing women in their 40s who have a terrible time finding blokes their own age whonall seem to be after 25 year olds.if they were gay old i’d have them married off to women their own age in a instant who’s actually appreciate them...

Ribbonsonabox Mon 18-Mar-19 19:18:35

I've only gone invisible because I stopped giving a shit, because I've got two kids under 4! I just wander round in dark coloured shapeless clothing with no makeup on. I've no interest in being seen by anyone. I'm two steps away from going feral in the woods!!
But I do not think its true that age renders you 'invisible'... I think people will look at you and men will be interested in you at any age if you have confidence and/or style and/or beauty (and i dont think peoples natural beauty fades with age)
My mother constantly gets male attention and shes in her 60s, shes always been very beautiful and on top of that pays a lot of attention to her 'look'... that's just what makes her happy, I dont think she does it for attention but thats a result of it.
It's not for me really, I couldn't be bothered with all that!
But I still dont think I'd be invisible if I didnt want to be (which I do right now because I'm too tired to deal with any type of interaction lol)

tennisracquet Mon 18-Mar-19 19:20:21

I'm sorry someone said you were ugly @whatisforteamum.
to call someone that is so extreme that it definitely says more about his mood/his self hatred that he wanted to make someone feel as bad as he did inside

SpiritedLondon Mon 18-Mar-19 19:21:01

It’s interesting that people don’t think it happens professionally too. My friend was telling me about an experiment where a group of strangers were in a board room and each person was assigned a role in the organisation and had a name plaque in front of them. There was a conversation among the group and then afterwards the participants were asked to describe the others and remember what their title was. The older lady in the group was the most senior but bugger all remembered her or realised who she was. Probably not the experience of us all but I do believe we live in a youth obsessed society and experience is not terribly valued. How often do you see an old, craggy faced Male TV presenter paired with a young glamorous lady colleague? Personally I’m 48 and not invisible but certainly heading that way. I don’t think that men feel the change in the same way - judging by my 54 year old Male, married colleague who’s just put the moves on my 32 year old glamourous friend. Quite some confidence.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 18-Mar-19 19:24:28

I wonder if it all depends on how attractive you were when you were younger?

Super attractive? So, too much unwanted attention, now love the invisibility.

Quite attractive? Enjoyed the little bit of attention, and now miss it.

cabingirl Mon 18-Mar-19 19:25:07

I don't really miss the attention from strangers. I get pleasantly surprised by occasional flirtations at parties (which reminds me how much less it happens now)

The only time I feel a slight sad twinge is when I'm out with my absolutely stunning step-daughters who are in their 20s and then it's a mild nostalgia and longing for being 'young and fancy-free' with it all ahead of you. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly.

whatisforteamum Mon 18-Mar-19 19:28:38

Yes he was mid 30s.Thought he was getting on.!!Like I say he said it to my kid 20s colleague too.Perhaps he was his own looks fading.

Ilovetolurk Mon 18-Mar-19 19:29:13

I work in quite a public facing role and am frequently interviewed by bloggers, for TV etc. Overwhelmingly photos of me do not make the cut generic photos linked to my trade do instead

This tickled me. "We preferred the picture of a large warehouse"

Someone pointed out on a similar thread that it would be strange and wrong if young 20 something men were leering at 50 year old women. My problem is I am still 31 in my head

I have recently gone much blonder in my highlights (grey roots finally have their advantages) and I've noticed I'm suddenly getting stared at again. Most odd

Asta19 Mon 18-Mar-19 19:32:36

arethereanyleftatal

You may have a point there, I was in the latter group. So I never got men beeping at me in the street or leering at my body. The attention I got was 95% just “nice” and not creepy in any way. I’ve always had a small chest (hated it when younger, don’t care now!) so men have never talked to my boobs instead of my face as they were almost non existent! So yes I do miss the attention that I used to get.

thistimeofyear Mon 18-Mar-19 19:32:43

Old men look at me now lol!!!

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