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Help me put a stop to this.

(33 Posts)
Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 16:13:59

Background first. I have a huge family. All slightly dysfunctional and lots of cousins who have ended up in care, myself included. Once I had grown up I decided to move away from the chaos as did some of my "normal aunts". As the years passed family members drifted and passed away and what is left is a very fractured family. Think Eastenders with a family of 7 children to my maternal grandparents (these are called the kids) and over 30 cousins(the babies) and expanding 2nd cousins. Most kids have drinking issues and most of the babies refuse to have contact with their parents. Anyway I moved 60 miles away from them. Some followed as in, my mum and siblings and a couple of cousins. These relationships dwindled and I moved away again, 200 miles. I am happy and settled and I have contact willingly with 1 cousin and not so willingly with another. I'll call her A. Cousin A wants to visit and has done in the past but I can't cope with visits or overnight stays and if you say no she becomes very aggressive. A few years back she came a few times and kept on and on to visit again and again until I made excuses to deter her. She then went NC. Great. Now she's back. Being super nice and I thought oh well I can be nice back. And low and behold. Can I come and stay. When can I stay. Can we come and stay. I stupidly said she could to get it over with and now I just can't go through with it. She's pestering me for a date. What can I say. Block. Ignore. Lie. Tell truth. I just dont know. It's more of a WWYD but I want to scream FO and get a life as i know she's using me to stay here for a free holiday and to escape someone she's pissed off no doubt. AIBU to block her. I'm a coward but I can't face it.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 18-Mar-19 16:16:01

Does she know where you live?

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 16:22:03

Thankfully no. The last place she visited I've moved from. I'm still suffering from PND and I work full time. Have 5 kids and 3 dogs. She Seems to think I am out of order when I say....sure come down....for the day as i can't accommodate your needs. As in over night stays and she always wants to visit for at least a week. She doesn't contribute when she's here and I end up looking after her child while she relaxes as "She's in holiday"

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 18-Mar-19 16:25:37

Oh I would just block and go NC. She’s no loss to you. You aren’t involved with the family.

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 16:28:20

I've thought this too. It's quite mean though but she's hard work plus I don't want contact with my family for a number of reasons. I feel truly awful doing it though.

lyralalala Mon 18-Mar-19 16:31:08

It’s not mean to block people who bring no good to your life.

A has no respect for you by the sound of it or she wouldn’t keep pestering you.

The fact she went NC for a while over you putting your foot down says it all.

Having family isn’t always a blessing. I’m NC with my 3 siblings. I was NC with my parents before they died. Not having them in my life may make my family much smaller but it makes my life much safer and more peaceful.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 18-Mar-19 16:33:15

You need to prioritise your own well being OP. Sometimes that means doing things that other people won’t like. It’s unavoidable but necessary.

anniehm Mon 18-Mar-19 16:33:59

Offer to meet her at another place, say you haven't the capacity for overnight guests.

Happynow001 Mon 18-Mar-19 16:34:01

Protect the life you have put in place for yourself and your family- particularly as you know she's only there for herself and to offload her child on you in your already busy household. Also if she does visit that won't the last of it - she'll know exactly where you are for next time....

Go NC, block and delete.

Alsbals Mon 18-Mar-19 16:35:24

I’d definitely block and go NC. I did this with a lot of my fathers family - they brought nothing to my life except drama. Don’t feel bad about it, you and your kids come first.

Travis1 Mon 18-Mar-19 16:37:44

Nah I'd just block her. She clearly brings nothing good to your life. If you're feeling generous you could message her and explain that you are not in a position to host etc and wish her well but honestly I'd probably just block her.

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 16:49:45

I have offered for her to visit for the day and stated I can't accommodate her and she's one of those "I will be ok on the sofa with the child types" yes it seems everyone is in agreement to NC and block. You're right too in saying that if she comes once it won't be the end of it. She gave me hell once for not inviting her to my wedding. I did but stated I couldn't accommodate her and as she insisted on coming for a week I said to her that I wouldn't be able to see her the day of the wedding for obvious reasons or the two days before as i had in law arrangements etc. And the day after we will be away but she was more than welcome to come to the wedding. She got very nasty at that. The next episode was when I was running my friends business for him while he was recovering from a kidney transplant. He died 6 weeks later and she asked what reason did I have now to not let her stay as he was dead now.

Singlenotsingle Mon 18-Mar-19 16:55:44

Just say no, you've got a house full with 5 kids and 3 dogs! It can't be done.

feska5 Mon 18-Mar-19 16:56:38

Bock her and forget her. She’s only going to cause you stress and aggravation. You don’t need someone in your life who’s demanding and draining. You’ve made the decision to be independent by moving away. It sounds as if you have enough to keep you busy.

winsinbin Mon 18-Mar-19 16:57:27

Block. She sounds awful.

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 17:00:25

I will block. Just have to pluck up the courage to do it. sad

DoNotWorry Mon 18-Mar-19 17:01:26

Just say no, you've got a house full with 5 kids and 3 dogs! It can't be done.
Just say no and forget the rest of this sentence. It's no good making rational excuses to people who behave like this, they can't take a hint and will keep pestering you.

ShambolicUsername Mon 18-Mar-19 17:04:06

Can't you just tell her that, having taken a day or so to consider the logistics of her staying for a week, you just don't have the room in the house? If she doesn't know where you live or what your house looks like then a little white lie about the house being just about big enough to accommodate you and your own family might be enough to give you a get out. If that isn't already the truth.

And, well, if she throws a wobbler over that then just fob her off. Don't reply.

Drum2018 Mon 18-Mar-19 17:04:59

Send her one last text. Simply say that on reflection a visit just doesn't suit you and your family. Then I'd go as far as blocking her on phone and social media. Fuck her. She's using you for her own gain and not listening to you when you clearly say she can't stay. By the sounds of her you won't miss her from your busy life. Focus your energies on people who matter to you. When you get to my age, nearing 50, you realise you just don't have to put up with other people's shit anymore, ever!

eddielizzard Mon 18-Mar-19 17:09:02

Be strong. She is a nightmare and you have more than enough on your plate. Don't feel guilty!

Margot33 Mon 18-Mar-19 17:11:49

She is clearly using you. Just block her. Stop thinking about her.

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 17:13:55

You d think I would have manned up as i am approaching 47 but I hate to upset anyone. I will block I think. I won't miss her as i dont particularly like her and If I say I don't have the room she'll ask for the sofa. She even suggested sleeping in the garage once. confused

PurpleCrazyHorse Mon 18-Mar-19 17:28:34

Oh my goodness. We have lovely friends who kindly have us to stay, we would never, ever impose on them for a week. We're great friends, they have plenty of room for us, we're helpful around the house (tidy up after the kids, load/empty dishwasher, wipe down surfaces after meals etc). Honestly, she's after a mug who'll parent her child(ren) while she sits on the sofa.

StoneofDestiny Mon 18-Mar-19 17:37:54

Block - can't believe you haven't cut this stress out of your life. Just block!

Seeleyboo Mon 18-Mar-19 17:38:17


It really is. I buy all the food and cook. Look after her child and drive her around. Pay for days out to the beach and park etc. She really is a CF and not likeable. She normally wants to visit after she's caused trouble where she is. She just seems to have this fixation of at least a weeks stay. She's not happy with a day or two and in the past I've even offered a midweek as i couldn't cope with her before as she stayed over a week each time.

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