Talk

Advanced search

To not take his money?

(35 Posts)
GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 15:05:18

My useless father has been in touch, haven't seen or heard from him in over a year. He's obviously got a wave of guilt or something, but apparently he's sold a business and he wants to give me some money towards my wedding and for the baby (his grandson he's never met).
I know this from him messaging Dp on Facebook because he's blocked on mine.

Dp thinks I'm being silly and he owes me so take it. But I feel he'll think he's somehow forgiven and made up for the past if I do.

He never paid maintenance, contact was sporadic at best. He's a crap dad.

I considered taking it and giving it to my mum, as back pay for ever he owes. But she's says she doesn't want his money.

I don't know, am I silly not to take it and just save it for my Ds?

nrpmum Mon 18-Mar-19 15:07:21

Depends on what he wants in return. I would be wondering what the price is.

Nesssie Mon 18-Mar-19 15:11:52

As long as there are no conditions on it, I would tell him to put it in a trust fund for his grandchildren.

Farmerswifey12 Mon 18-Mar-19 15:13:37

If there are no conditions I'd take it. You don't need to decide what to do with it straight away

BigButtonsOnMyPhone Mon 18-Mar-19 15:15:15

I have never accepted money from my crap dad because I wasn't prepared to contact him to say thank you or have him back in my life.
Cheques have arrived for the DCs' birthdays over the years, some large, some small, but none of them were ever cashed.
What I did instead was give my DC that amount of money from my savings, so they never lost out financially but did not have contact.

Raspberry10 Mon 18-Mar-19 15:15:41

Take it and shove it in a savings account for DS. It might come in useful when he’s older. Just make sure no conditions attached.

Ellisandra Mon 18-Mar-19 15:19:26

You don’t even have to make sure no conditions are attached. Because it’s up to you whether conditions expected would be fulfilled. Take it, don’t take it - whatever feels right to you.

I received money from estranged parents one - about £1000, they were giving to each child. I didn’t want a relationship with them so felt it was a pisstake to accept. I declined. They pushed. I said I’d put it into my mortgage offset account, so that it wasn’t ever spent and could go back to them any time. That was a half way house that let me feel like I hadn’t taken it.

BigButtonsOnMyPhone Mon 18-Mar-19 15:20:20

But how does anyone
a) find out of there are conditions
and
b) believe him if says no?

Money in situations like this always has strings.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 18-Mar-19 15:21:12

Some people just feel guilty.

But of course, have you ever spoken to him about why he was never in touch/Paid maint?

How much are we looking at? It's easy to have principles over a couple of hundred quid, and easy to compromise them for a few tens of thousand. Everyone has a sale price.

BigButtonsOnMyPhone Mon 18-Mar-19 15:22:21

Everyone has a sale price.
No - they don't.

Ellisandra Mon 18-Mar-19 15:23:52

He can try to add strings, but unless he’s got OP signing a contract, it’s OP’s choice whether there are strings.

If the money meant he’d expect more contact, and OP knew she could take it but still block him - zero strings. If OP knows emotional manipulation of it would make her feel bad, then there are strings - that OP knows about.

Another of my siblings is also mostly estranged from our parents. They send money all the time. She just pockets it. Doesn’t give a fuck. No strings can be enforced there!

Nesssie Mon 18-Mar-19 15:28:46

Why cut off your nose to spite your face?
Take the money. Doesn't mean you are forgiving/forgetting/excusing his crappy behaviour. It just means you can take your children on days out/help them with driving lesson costs/treat yourself to a haircut.

BigButtonsOnMyPhone Mon 18-Mar-19 15:30:07

I understand the theory that OP could possibly take it and not be dragged back into contact, but it you'd have to be super tough to be able to do that.
Respect to those who can, but in my case I couldn't. So I never took his money.

Jaxhog Mon 18-Mar-19 15:46:38

If he skipped maintenance, then he owes you. I would take it and save for your DCs. If he tries to impose conditions afterwards, just shrug and say 'you owe me'.

followthatducky Mon 18-Mar-19 16:03:14

I'd take it and put it towards something special to do with your DS. Or just save it for him instead.

It doesn't mean you forgive him for his actions and if he thinks that then let him. You know the truth and that's all that matters.

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 16:04:32

I imagine he wants to meet Ds or he thinks he might get invited to the wedding.
I do/did still talk to him occasionally, we didn't exactly fall out. I just figured out very early on he wasn't someone to rely on.
When I was at uni I was seeing him reasonably regular once every 3/4 months but he was settled at the time with a partner and kids, then they spilt up and he went awol completely.

I'm presuming he's giving money to his other children too, although I'm not sure. Don't have a sibling relationship with any of them.

He's very good at being very charming and I do see my paternal grandparents and as much as I love them, they stick up for and make excuses for his behaviour. I'm just not sure I want to get into any of it, messaging, hearing the sorry's, meeting the wife's/girlfriends, meeting the kids. I think I'm completely done and taking money will open up that contact.

Handsfull13 Mon 18-Mar-19 16:06:27

Start a saving account for your son and give him details to deposit it in there if he wishes. But tell him this doesn't make up for the past and isn't going to change your non existent relationship with him.

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 16:07:37

I'm not sure how much, which I guess is making it more difficult to say no.
What if he's offering loads! I don't want to be that person and I really doubt it but Dp's like what if he's won the lottery or something and he's offering us loads.

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 16:12:34

Ds has a savings account so I could suggest he pays it into that. I'll find myself being curious though, wanting to know if he's giving money to the others. Most still school age so there mums could use it more than me. And where he's been and what's he's been doing. I don't want to know, but I do if you get me.

My grandparents usually keep me up to date at least to know if I've got a new step mum or sibling, but they haven't heard from him for as long as me either. So then I've got that issue of if I tell them he's been in touch or not.

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 16:18:10

I never officially stopped contact either. Just haven't heard from him in all this time and now think why should I bother.
I blocked his number and on Facebook as his ex had his phone and log in and was constantly messaging me.

LizzieMacQueen Mon 18-Mar-19 16:54:35

So you weren't previously going to invite him to your wedding, or were you?

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 17:52:52

We haven't done invites or anything yet @LizzieMacQueen. So hasn't fully decided, probably not though. But I didn't even know where he was if I'd wanted to invite him up until now.

GirlOnIt Mon 18-Mar-19 17:55:25

Hadn't

StoneofDestiny Mon 18-Mar-19 21:29:18

Take the money and use it as you wish. Then carry on as normal. He can't make conditions you haven't agreed to.

GirlOnIt Tue 19-Mar-19 07:48:37

I gave in and messaged him last night, just to ask if he was going to be as generous with the others. He said it's just for me as I'm his first and most important one (yep, this is the crap he comes out with). Got the he's so sorry things didn't work out with my mum, that he's always wished he'd been there for me (not being with my mum obviously stopped him having any real involvement with his child).

Anyway, told him I don't want his money and he should use it to pay maintenance to his kids that still need it.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »