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Separation, suicide attempt and anger, AIBU?

(16 Posts)
boymum9 Mon 18-Mar-19 13:34:18

A while back I posted this thread:

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amii_being_unreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Following this I've been clear I want to get divorced, it's been a difficult few months and we've been in couples counselling to either repair our relationship (what he wants) or to be able to separate and co parent amicably which is what I want. We have also been in separate counselling to work on issues we both have.

In the following week after he touched me while I was sleeping he disappeared for about 1.5 hours after writing a letter that alluded to him ending his life. I found the letter and obviously called him numerous times with no answer, call his mum who he is close to and she got through to him and spoke to him and he came home.

Today in our counselling it came up and he said he was standing on a bridge for 4 hours which isn't the case, and that he was up on the railings and had to be pulled down by the people they have there to partly watch out for people jumping because it's a well publicised suicide spot. I got angry in our session because I do not believe this, not for a second, I've known this man for 15 years and he would have told me this, he would have told his mum at the time and he would have told our close friends who he spoke to about this, but never mentioned it. For context I had deep depression for years where he response was always to brush it off, tell me I'm being silly, to just cheer up and that if I ever did anything to kill myself I was just selfish, he has a strong view on people committing suicide. I felt like he said this so the councillor felt sorry for him, it's the first time it came up after 6 sessions and we've established in the sessions that the main cause of our separation is things he's done; lots of lies and emotion affairs.

AIBU for feeling this way? I feel at a loss, I feel like a bitch for thinking this way but I feel huge guilt for wanting this separation even though a lot of the cause was his actions, I feel like he keeps trying to make me out to be the and person even though verbally he says to me otherwise and knows it's his fault.

FineWordsForAPorcupine Mon 18-Mar-19 13:40:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be angry - he very clearly has used the threat of suicide in the past to punish you/get attention (leaving a note "alluding" to suicide) and is now bringing up this elaborate story about passers by and four hours contemplating his own mortality in front of the counseller.

If he tries this again, stay calm and reiterate that you believe this to be manipulation /exaggeration. Don't worry about trying to convince the counseller - he/she will have seen it all before.

Perhaps it is time to stop the counselling sessions, or at least stop letting him think there's a chance at reconciling. Move on to the next step - making the split as amicable as possible.

boymum9 Mon 18-Mar-19 13:42:10

@FineWordsForAPorcupine thank you for your reply, you're right.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 18-Mar-19 13:51:56

If it was true there would be police or ambulance records. Check up. These people won't have simply let him walk off in a suicidal state!

If he's lying there is absolutely no point in the counselling. Nada.

It doesn't matter what he makes you out to be. Stop caring. Cos he'll have plenty more tricks up his sleeves to manipulate you into staying. And if you keep caring about what others think of you because of his bs then you'll never leave.

For all you know the counsellor is thinking "What a pathetic lying prick this man is!" But can't professionally voice that. Don't project your fears of being 'in the wrong' on to others. That's his voice you are listening to. Shut it down.!!

The longer you go on with this contradictory counselling the longer he has to manipulate you. If he isn't prepared to amicably co parent now because he loves the dc and wants the best for them, then no amount of joint counselling is going to change that when he's seeing it as a means to get you to stay.

My advice is if you do want to separate and have decided it's going to happen eventually then do it now. Face the fall out now. Because it's going to be crap now or later. You're just putting it off, not stopping it.

boymum9 Mon 18-Mar-19 14:10:47

@Thingsdogetbetter Thank you as well, I appreciate your reply! I also agree that the police or someone would have been called, I spoke to a friend after who had actually done a similar thing a few years back and her immediate response is that the police and support would have been called and were in her case and there was nothing she could say to have stopped them being called. He said he managed to persuade them to not call anyone...?!

TimeIhadaNameChange Mon 18-Mar-19 14:45:12

Speak to the police about it and ask if there's CCTV footage. You never know your luck.

SaveKevin Mon 18-Mar-19 14:46:24

I think i posted on your original thread, your h sounds very much like my ex. In fact he had a night where he was going to commit suicide, he later (months and months later) admitted this was just to get me to sleep with him and get back with him. But what i did was hide the car keys, and let his mum and friends know what he was planning. This sort of backed him into a corner, i rang his doctor and told them he was suicidal but left him to it. Ultimately it wasn't for me to "stop" him, its his decision to do what he wants. This was a completely different tact to the one i would have used previously, which would be to sacrifice myself in whatever way to get him to not do it, beg, plead etc etc.

I don't believe for one minute that those people whose "job" it is to stop people jumping, would have just gone "on your way now". I smell massive massive bull shit, especially if he was there for 4 hours. He's just using it to control you further.

I understand the advice is not to do mediation or counselling with abusive individuals.

I dragged it out with my ex for a bit longer than i should have, i was scared of the fall out. I knew it would be shit, but thingsdogetbetter is right. Its going to be shit if you do it now, or do it in a years time. The sooner you do it (if its what you want) the sooner it is over.

Good luck, I truly wish you well boymum9 I know its not easy.

boymum9 Mon 18-Mar-19 14:52:54

@SaveKevin thank you also! These replies are making me feel like I'm not going crazy because that's how I've felt the last 3 months. I've hated feeling so guilty and so awful for how he's felt during this time when fundamentally we've got here through his actions.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-Mar-19 15:01:31

Your husband's suicide threats are nothing more than emotional terrorism. He knows he has lost his control over you so he is pulling out all the stops. Don't fall for his bullshit for one second.

Continue with your individual therapy but stop the couple's sessions. He is your abuser and you should never be in therapy with an abusive partner. It only serves to teach them how to better manipulate you.

IsAStormApporaching Mon 18-Mar-19 15:05:16

Genuine question, why are you wasting your time going to counciling with him?

I understand you want an amicable desperation but it's not possible with this man. He has sexually and emotionally abused you throughout your marriage, I was told counselling is the last thing you should do with an abuser.
Please think about having a clean break and divorcing as soon as you can.

IsAStormApporaching Mon 18-Mar-19 15:06:09

Separation not desperation sorry

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 18-Mar-19 15:06:35

He's lying. He's just trying to emotionally blackmail you in to feeling sorry for him. I'm not sure why you're continuing with the joint counselling; you obviously both want different things are there's no middle ground.

Agree that being counselled with a manipulative partner is a bad idea. Just cancel and continue with individual counselling. I'd get started on the divorce proceedings today. He's just using delaying tactics.

HollowTalk Mon 18-Mar-19 15:08:25

Counselling with an out-and-out liar is a waste of time.

Regarding his lies, I think he was ramping up what he was saying in order to get the response that he wanted. You must have been fuming. He is so manipulative. No wonder you want to leave him.

BlueSkiesLies Mon 18-Mar-19 15:12:27

Zero point in having couples counselling with an abuser. He is only using this to toy with you more.

Brakebackcyclebot Mon 18-Mar-19 15:23:51

OP, sorry for short message - dashing out.

Please stop going to counselling with him. It is doing you no good & is enabling him to try to manipulate you. You know what you want, so focus on that now. You would be better off spending time & money on legal advice for your Divorce and possibly divorce coaching or counselling for you on your own.

boymum9 Mon 18-Mar-19 15:30:07

Thank you everyone honestly so much, I'm actually crying now because I've been thinking for so long that I'm in the wrong here and been feeling so awful for what I'm doing and been holding back to save his feelings.

I agreed on the couples counselling before because we had had issues prior to the touching incident (all really stemming from his little lies constantly, how he'd act if we didn't have sex for a couple days making me feel guilty and generally being grumpy and difficult in short) and i didn't want to "give up" on a marriage without making 100% sure I was making the right decision and going over all areas of the issues, even though I knew that the touching issue had completely pushed me over any boundary that I would stand for. I think really the counselling was for the sake of our two young children and in the hope that we would be able to communicate better for the future so that we can give them the best life possible in the circumstances.

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