To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

[LizziesTwin]

I think he’s lived on his own too long and you deserve better!

[BorsetshireBlew]

I think don't move in with him, don't sell your house, don't buy a property with him, definitely don't have a baby with him.

[bettybyebye]

He doesn’t sound like much of a partner OP. I think I would be holding off on buying a house with him at the moment. Based on what you have said here it doesn’t seem like he views you as a team, and in these circumstances I would want proper commitment from him (ie marriage) before I would even consider up my own home

[bettybyebye]

*giving up

[EmrysAtticus]

Don't do it! Definitely don't move in with him and if I were you I would get rid of him entirely.

[ShaggyRug]

Honestly.... I think if money’s an issue now then this won’t end well.

In addition if you’re not married and you take time off for a baby you’re very much financially at risk.

[sofato5miles]

What happens when you discuss marriage?

[Whereareyouspot]

I think no no no no

Protect yourself and your DC

Do not go onto any financial arrangements with this man

Just stay as you are - financially independent

Trust us on this one OP

[PotteringAlong]

I think you say thanks but no thanks and walk away now before it gets messier than it already is.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Don't, for the love of cheese, move in with him.

You sound fine the way you are.

[SuperSleepyBaby]

I’d find this very off-putting. What are his good sides?

[MarthasGinYard]

Do not sell your house Op

[springintoaction]

Why not work out exactly what you could comfortably afford (which I'm assuming will be a lot less that what you've been discussing) and look for houses and areas that fit that much less expensive bill and then he can decide which is more important - 50/50 or a better house/area. Does he realise your finances exactly? Have you spelt it out exactly what this move would do to your finances etc.

I can see to a certain extent that he wants things fair and to protect his money as you aren't married and I'm sure if the roles were reversed on here people would be saying the same BUT it also sounds a bit of a power trip and him holding all the cards. The way you're describing him doesn't sound great. Could he not just move in with you to start with?? Test the water? This is a big leap with a man that doesn't sound great and money may become an even bigger issue.

[araiwa]

If you paid a third of the deposit mortgage etc would you be able to do a legal agreement that you only own a third of the house? Protects you both

[BorsetshireBlew]

I just noticed your username //🤦🏼‍♀️
You are a mummy already and your responsibility is to your child. If you fuck your lives up just to get another baby you'll be an idiot.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

You could buy the new house as tenents in common (instead of joint tenents) specifying who owns what share of the house which can be handy if people are paying unequal deposits.

However, based on your OP I would bet move in with him at all and definitely don’t sell your house!

[YetAnotherThing]

In this case - Don’t move or have a Baby without a commitment such as marriage. He’s not kind, lived alone too long. He doesn’t get that having children (including his) sets you back career-wise permanently.

[llangennith]

He's quite something isn't he?!
Don't sell your house and don't move in with him. Ever.

[donajimena]

Hell no! Don't mess with your financial security. If it goes tits up you may NEVER get back to being a homeowner.

[Asdfghjklll]

You can buy a house with uneven shares but you really shouldnt have to do that. A true partner wouldn't want you to have no money left.
A fair way could be percent of take home pay. Like you both put 50% of income into account to cover mortgage and bills and then have rest of salary.
But seriously have you ever lived with this man?! Surely you need to live together before buying together? And also he sounds tight.
Is marriage something you have discussed as possibility? It does give you more financial security

[megletthesecond]

Don't move in with him. Ever.
Huge warning signs.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Thanks everyone. Thats helpful. Its so hard tho as id love for us to live together. money really is the devil. In response to the marriage q. he would like to marry in the future he said but hasnt asked yet as weve had a few ups and downs (stress over all this!). I know he wants a happy family life and to commit but i also know hes scared and very cautious to not make the wrong decision (by this he means marry someone who then "robs him of all his money")... his best friends ex wife supposidly "got the house and the lot'. I expect thats not quite true! But the point is because hes so obsessed with all his hard earned equity cash and shares and pension he would be worried about getting married but he would like to get married i know

[Grandadwasthatyou]

That is not fair at all and if he loved you he would see this.
Most couples split the mortgage and bills in proportion to what they earn . But as everyone has pointed out the very fact he is acting this way is concerning. Stay in your own home where you have everything running smoothly, including your finances. once you move in with him you are doomed.

[Parker231]

Doesn’t sound a very attractive partnership. You should both have an equal amount of ‘free’ money regardless of your salary and pre relationship savings/property.

[JenniferJareau]

hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

It would be a huge no from me. All he gives a shit about is money.