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To ask EXDH to Let DS1 Live with him?

(17 Posts)
jessicawessica Mon 18-Mar-19 00:44:27

DS1 has always had behavioural issues, finding it hard to control his temper. CAHMS were involved when he was younger and he was diagnosed with high functioning autism.
Fast forward and he has just turned 17 .
Absolute nightmare. Goes to school (6th form) and has no idea what he wants to do in the future.Gets home from school and goes to bed! Then wakes up about 8pm and makes an absolute racket all night long on his PS4 with his mates.
Has absolutely no respect for his siblings or me who can't sleep because of him.
Have turned internet off and this results in quite scary behaviour, shouting and getting really angry. DD actually asked me if I am scared of him!
Other things he does like having a shower at 2 or 3 am which wakes us all up, not doing any chores at all, generally treating us like a hotel.
Am seriously considering asking his dad if DS can move in with him, but pretty sure he will refuse as he's not exactly great dad material.
Would it be fair for me to put some pressure on EXDH to agree.

Crabbyandproudofit Mon 18-Mar-19 01:01:07

What would you hope to achieve by this? Is it to get some peace for yourself and other DCs , because you think his father will help teach him about responsibility and respect for the people you share a home with or as a punishment (perhaps for both of them)?

Are you able to have any kind of conversation with DS about what he is doing? And how it adversely affects the rest of the family? I imagine it's difficult to find a good time for that. He's going to school which is good, does he have plans for his future.

How is his relationship with his father? You don't want to be making 'threats' you can't carry out so how would you exert pressure on EXDH to take him?

Sorry for all the questions and that you are going through such a difficult time. Hope you can find a resolution.

Blondebakingmumma Mon 18-Mar-19 02:27:37

Why are his mates over so late? Did you not ask them to leave? Or is it an online game with his friends?
I’d turn WiFi off EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Yes he will tantrum, so warn him in advance that if his behaviour is threatening then the police will be called.

FatKatt Mon 18-Mar-19 02:32:37

Blonde I assume she means with his mates on his gaming system. Ie talking on headphones

Palace13 Mon 18-Mar-19 02:36:22

I went through a similar thing with my youngest. Had to get really tough and it wasn't pleasant, but we have good compromises in place now.
If you're actually scared/intimidated by your son, that's a whole other ballgame. In that case, some professionals support. Get back onto CAMHS and explain what's going on. Good luck

jessicawessica Mon 18-Mar-19 08:55:18

Yes it is all online....wish he did have friends over where they actually talk in person.
What really bugs me is that, according to his siblings, when he is at his dad's he behaves really well. No banging, shouting, swearing, throwing things at the wall, etc.
It is obvious that he respects his dad, but has no respect for me or my house whatsover. Which is why I thought a spell living with his dad might make him appreciate what I bend over backwards to do for him.
Have already had a letter from the landlord re neighbours complaining about the noise, so am also worried about that.

peachgreen Mon 18-Mar-19 09:55:00

Internet off as soon as he wakes you up, and off for the following night too. He'll soon learn to keep it down.

Crabbyandproudofit Mon 18-Mar-19 14:38:10

Turning the internet off would seem like a good idea but you have already tried that and he got very angry. Are you scared of his temper? Can you contact CAHMS again for support?

It is annoying that he seems to respect his father more than you, but could you use that to your advantage in persuading EXDH to take him (playing to his vanity)? You would not BU to ask his father to take him for a while, you need to look after yourself and your other DC and you can't do that at the moment if his behaviour is threatening your tenancy (I doubt your DS will care about that).

donajimena Mon 18-Mar-19 14:42:02

I know the feeling of the effects of the internet being turned off. The trick is to warn from the morning and reinforce all day. It doesn't mean its easy but I've noticed less fuss.

Boulezvous Mon 18-Mar-19 18:27:53

Why not send him to his Dads? I think it's a good idea. A change of atmosphere might help everyone.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 19-Mar-19 06:49:54

Ok, a temporary visit with dad sounds like a good start.
I still think you need to
1. Set time limits to use WiFi- “WiFi will be switched off between 10pm and 7am
2. Let him know in advance when the new WiFi limits will commence
3. Warn him that threatening behavior will not be tolerated and what the repercussions will be
4. Keep you boundaries fair but FIRM

You can’t risk losing your home over his gaming habits. Good luck!

Damntheman Tue 19-Mar-19 08:18:40

I should think the PS4 needs to be locked away until he starts doing his chores and treating you with a little respect. Once he's earned his PS4 back again, it still gets locked away at a certain time every night, 10.30 or 11pm and not released again the next day until homework is complete and chores done.

The internet should be turned off at a certain time every night. I would also suggest turning the hot water off too, if he wants to shower at an unsociable hour then he can have a freezing shower.

If he acts out he needs to have a consequence. If you're scared of him then please do ask CAHMS for more support and don't be afraid to call the police if his threatening behaviour scares you.

Why does he respect his father more? Does his father take less shit before enforcing a consequence?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 19-Mar-19 08:45:11

The nocturnal behaviour is typical of those with HFA I'm afraid, but HFA is no an excuse for his temper and behaviour.

Am seriously considering asking his dad if DS can move in with him, but pretty sure he will refuse as he's not exactly great dad material.

Quite simply you don't ask, you tell. End of the matter.

@Blonde - 3. Warn him that threatening behavior will not be tolerated and what the repercussions will be - go on, what are these repercussions you think will make the lad toe the line?

I do always take an inward chuckle at posters who think that the same behaviour chart for a hulking adult-child with violent mood swings is the same as for a toddler …. boundaries, consequences, wifi embargo - have you got any idea what sort of reaction that will provoke? Of course you don't. And I bet you have an equally able make partner to back you up.

Singlenotsingle Tue 19-Mar-19 08:51:56

Just tell him if this behaviour continues, he'll be out on his ear. He's an adult now, not a child. And yes, he can go to his father's. Why doesn't he live there already, if he gets on better with him anyway,?

MontStMichel Tue 19-Mar-19 08:53:01

PlainSpeaking

ITA. I remember a friend, who restricted her teenage HFA son's access to the internet - so he threatened his father with a knife! Luckily, she was able to persuade to him to swap the knife for a biscuit! He was in a residential placement soon after....(not in the UK)

Damntheman Tue 19-Mar-19 08:58:01

Thank you for that input @PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

I have never had to handle a non neuro-typical child/teenager so my comment is wildly uneducated. Please disregard me OP! I'm wishing you all the best in resolving the problem, I hope you get all the support that you need from both EXH and services.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 19-Mar-19 09:22:12

I’m bowing out, getting a bit too heated for my liking. Good luck OP

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