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DH’s friend sleeping in my bed...

(322 Posts)
BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:07:16

Not sure if I am BU.

Was away for the weekend. DH had some friends over.

One of them (male) slept in our bed, with him. We have other places to sleep.

He thinks I’m being wildly unreasonable, but I’m quite pissed off - I’d like to think our bedroom is a private space, let alone our actual bed...!

He also didn’t tell me, I found out by accident - he wasn’t going to share this information!

AIBU?

RainbowMum11 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:09:23

Meh, I wouldn't be bothered.
Change the bedding if you are...

icouldwriteabook Sun 17-Mar-19 23:10:01

I was talking about this with my OH the other week and he said categorically he’d rather sleep on the floor with no duvet than share a bed with his friend. If share a bed with my friend though. But each to their own.

I do also get your annoyance as it’s YOUR bed, but maybe he just doesn’t see the big deal and instead of ‘keeping’ it from you, he just didn’t think it even needed mentioning?

Or he is secretly gay. I’m going with the above

LittleBirdBlues Sun 17-Mar-19 23:10:22

Hmm, I would have found that odd too. But thinking about it, i would let a female friend share our bed with me if the situation was reversed, so really why shouldn't your DH offer it to his friend?

You say there are other places to sleep in your house. Would that have required them preparing the sheets etc? Because I can imagine it got late, they had had a few drinks and just picked the easy way.

BackforGood Sun 17-Mar-19 23:11:20

I think that is incredibly weird.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe Sun 17-Mar-19 23:11:46

were you worried he'd find your sex toys?

I know there's quite a 'thing' on MN about the sanctity of bedrooms and how no one else ever has the right to even look inside them, so you'll probably get a lot of support on this thread.

But your AIBU sounds like something about nothing to me. Sorry.

Don't worry though... like I say, I think I'll be a lone voice on this thread.

MrsEricBana Sun 17-Mar-19 23:12:01

No I wouldn't like that at all though - invasion of privacy.

pootyisabadcat Sun 17-Mar-19 23:12:04

I have slept in a bed with female friends several times. Don't see the problem, tbh.

Dramatical Sun 17-Mar-19 23:12:15

I have bed shared with friends lots of times, what's weird about it?

Alsohuman Sun 17-Mar-19 23:13:02

Just change the sheets and forget it. It's only a bed.

BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:13:40

It’s not weird that he shared a bed with a friend.

It’s weird that it’s our bed, in our bedroom, with all of my personal effects etc around.

Feels like an invasion of privacy.

Magmatic80 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:14:03

Are the ‘other places’ beds, or sofas? I think if DP has mates over, bed space was at a premium due to numbers, and I was away I’d be ok with it as our bed is king size and spare room just double. Plus I’d be mortified at someone having to sleep on a sofa if there was a bed available. If people had to share a bed it makes sense for it to be ours as it’s bigger. We always give up our room when friends with families stay as our room is the biggest. It wouldn’t bother me DP sharing with a male friend, same as it wouldn’t bother him if I shared with a female friend.

Chocolate35 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:17:41

I honestly wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Unless it was someone who would go through my stuff I don’t see the big deal. I wouldn’t put a friend on the sofa while I slept in my bed. I’d definitely change the sheets though.

BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:18:13

magmatic Beds, with sheets on

CaptainCabinets Sun 17-Mar-19 23:22:28

@Buffet with the best will in the world, I don’t think the friend cared a jot about your bedroom tat; he was likely drunk, tired and didn’t fancy having to make up a bed when there was one right there.

You sound uptight and a bit precious.

LaBelleSauvage Sun 17-Mar-19 23:22:59

I'd find this uncomfortable but I'm quite private and we have a lot of spare bedrooms so it'd be completely unneccessary.

Do you have a spare room? It makes a difference if it's a choice between sharing a bed or sleeping on a sofa or the floor.

There's nothing wrong with the sharing as you have said, but I think he should have told you since it's your bed.

I hope he changed the sheets!

NoooorthonerMum Sun 17-Mar-19 23:28:18

I wouldn't think this was a big deal at all. I'd probably change the bedding but wouldn't think twice about it otherwise. I would hope DH made sure there were no bras or other embarrassing junk on the floor first though

HollowTalk Sun 17-Mar-19 23:29:04

I have never known an adult male share a bed with another adult male if there was somewhere else to sleep. Why would they?

cheesemongery Sun 17-Mar-19 23:30:54

with the best will in the world, I don’t think the friend cared a jot about your bedroom tat; he was likely drunk, tired and didn’t fancy having to make up a bed when there was one right there.

This.

BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:33:06

Doesn’t really matter what the friend thought - my bed, my house, not welcome to sleep there.

Is it really unreasonable to not want other men to sleep in your bed, when there are other places to go? He’s no friend of mine!

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 17-Mar-19 23:33:42

There were other beds. It was invasive and fucking weird considering there were other beds made and ready.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe Sun 17-Mar-19 23:35:04

ah, this is one of those threads where you don't expect to be disagreed with, isn't it.

LaBelleSauvage Sun 17-Mar-19 23:35:39

Sorry missed your post about the other beds made up!

Yes absolutely I'd have rather a guest slept in a spare room.

NoooorthonerMum Sun 17-Mar-19 23:35:51

Well you're very protective over your bedroom and your bed! I'm assuming DH told him he could sleep there? It would be odd if he just came in in the night. Surely you just need to tell DH that you're very private about your bed and please can he not let other people sleep there in the future. I can see why he didn't think it would be a huge deal without you having told him though.

DramaAlpaca Sun 17-Mar-19 23:36:43

I'm with you, OP. I would not like that at all.

OrchidInTheSun Sun 17-Mar-19 23:37:00

I wouldn't share a bed with a friend if there were other made up beds available.

That's weird.

LaBelleSauvage Sun 17-Mar-19 23:37:36

If they were drinking heavily it might be possible the friend just went up and fell asleep in the wrong bed and your DH just couldn't be bothered moving him?

Still think he should have told you and changed the sheets

BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:37:55

@RedHats I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, I’m just answering their questions

lyralalala Sun 17-Mar-19 23:38:46

my bed, my house, not welcome to sleep there

Presumably your DH thought ‘my bed, my house, fine with me’.

Fair enough to say you’d rather he didn’t in future, but not worth getting wound up about imo.

elasticfantastic Sun 17-Mar-19 23:39:20

I have absolutely no idea why this would bother you, or anyone for that matter.

They crashed out in the bed. They went to sleep. Unless you were already asleep in the bed when they got in it, I don't understand why you are bothered? I don't understand what they is an invasion of privacy?

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:41:03

Or they were chatting into the night and fell asleep? I've shared beds with platonic friends both male and female and I know my friends do too, both guys and girls. This would be a non issue in my circles

Butterymuffin Sun 17-Mar-19 23:41:51

It definitely crosses into 'odd' when there are other made-up beds available to sleep in.

Nnnnnineteen Sun 17-Mar-19 23:42:37

I stayed at my best mate's house yesterday, her husband was away and we slept in their bed. It was lush, we had a good old natter before we went to sleep!

pootyisabadcat Sun 17-Mar-19 23:45:36

Wow. It's his house and his bed, too hmm.

Whereareyouspot Sun 17-Mar-19 23:45:47

Weird and I’d hate it
Why on earth didn’t DH send him to the spare room if there is one ready made up?

mamaslave18 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:46:33

Really weird.
I’d be livid if someone slept in our bed with no reason to.

Dieu Sun 17-Mar-19 23:47:07

I'd find it hard to get worked up over this.
They were probably just pissed and not thinking straight.
No big deal.

gt84 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:47:48

I wouldn’t like it. I don’t like other people in my bedroom anyway.

I wonder if other posters would feel differently if the friend had been female or if the husband was bisexual?

Alsohuman Sun 17-Mar-19 23:50:24

But the friend isn't female so why hypothesise?

CircleofWillis Sun 17-Mar-19 23:51:08

I would find this very weird and intrusive. I don't know any straight male family or friends who would do this when there are other made up beds available. Even female friends would opt for their own bed after a natter if it were available. Were they drunk?

tolerable Sun 17-Mar-19 23:51:21

invasion of privacy or possiblyility did more than sleep?unclear

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:52:03

I've shared a bed with female friends before in the past out of necessity , however these days I'd automatically go to the spare bed rather than share. I absolutely cannot imagine DH or any other man I know choosing to share a bed with a mate when he could have a bed of his own. If there were no other beds available then he'd crash on a sofa.

BuffetLurker Sun 17-Mar-19 23:54:40

Invasion of privacy is my only issue.

I am fairly private, have made expressly clear before I dislike people in our bedroom, and the idea of someone actually sleeping in my bed feels like an intrusion tbh.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:59:14

Your husband slept in your bed with his mate when there were several other options. WTAF. That is beyond weird and not acceptable.

ALargeGinPlease Mon 18-Mar-19 00:00:37

I'd hate it. I am weirdly precious about my bed and I would be very uncomfortable about someone else sleeping in it. Also, I think it's a bit odd that your Dh was ok sharing his bed when there were other, made up ones available.

Spanielmadness Mon 18-Mar-19 00:06:41

Do you have guest-only sofas and dining chairs? Guest-only toilets and cutlery?

martinidry Mon 18-Mar-19 00:10:18

There were other, made up beds but your husband and his friend decided to sleep together in your marital bed? That's very weird.
I would be very uncomfortable about someone not close to me sleeping in my bed. It's too intrusive.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-19 00:10:49

Are they Morecambe and Wise ? hmm

This would not happen in my DH's world. I am in the "it's weird and out of order" camp.

MyDcAreMarvel Mon 18-Mar-19 00:10:55

Pretty unusual for straight men to bed share, are you sure he isn’t gay/bisexual?

pootyisabadcat Mon 18-Mar-19 00:14:42

Well, it's already happened. What are you going to do, burn the mattress? They were probably absolutely sozzled and just crashed out.

StoppinBy Mon 18-Mar-19 00:17:19

If you had other sleeping spaces then yes I do think it is very odd for his friend to sleep in your bed without you being ok with it.

I have definitely shared beds with my friends of both sexes but none of them had partners at the time, if their partner wasn't ok with it then I wouldn't be ok with it either and would sleep on the couch if need be.

Dramatical Mon 18-Mar-19 00:18:46

Pretty unusual for straight men to bed share, are you sure he isn’t gay/bisexual?

Yes. That must be it. He is gay.

TowelNumber42 Mon 18-Mar-19 00:22:51

I would not like it either. Fortunately DH would hate it even more so it will never happen.

Drogosnextwife Mon 18-Mar-19 00:25:10

Do you have guest-only sofas and dining chairs? Guest-only toilets and cutlery?

What??

Mintychoc1 Mon 18-Mar-19 00:28:03

This feels like some kind of parallel universe. None of my male friends would ever share a bed with a male mate if there were other beds available. It’s just weird.

BMW6 Mon 18-Mar-19 00:39:27

Not odd if it was the only bed in the home, very odd as there was a bed to himself available!
DH thinks the same - WTF

RugbyRugby Mon 18-Mar-19 00:40:40

+1 for likely bisexual.

It's weird to have a non-partner in the marital bed full stop. The only reason that would generally happen is an affair. If it was a woman friend what would you think?

No reason to apply double standards.

Bisexual drunken shag.

Tavannach Mon 18-Mar-19 00:40:56

Meh, maybe a little bit odd. Maybe, but not worth getting worked up about.
I think he should have offered to change the sheets, and your DH should definitely have done so.

Ginseng1 Mon 18-Mar-19 00:42:11

I wouldn't care but very very odd if other beds available unless they totally twisted n just crashed out whilst talking or something. What was his way of justifying it?

SkinnyPete Mon 18-Mar-19 00:42:46

^ This

I'd share a bed with another guy only if it was the last option for a bed.

Still think OP IBU for having a problem with someone else sleeping in her bed though. It's just a bed.

Gone4Good Mon 18-Mar-19 00:43:30

OP doesn't have a problem with her husband sharing a bed with his friend, she just didn't want the friend in her bed. This being the case, her husband should have joined his friend in the guest room.

greenlynx Mon 18-Mar-19 00:50:30

I could imagine them drinking/smoking/chatting and then just falling asleep. I don’t think it’s unusual or that they’re gay. And it’s your DH’s bedroom as well. He probably was the one who wanted to chat. But saying this I wouldn’t like this at all for the same reason - privacy.
Your DH should tell you about this by himself. You probably feel worse because you found out by accident.
I would hide all precious and personal stuff in your bedroom next time to feel more relaxed. It’s the only way. You can’t control the situation when you are away.

Squigglesworth Mon 18-Mar-19 02:08:09

I think it's weird, personally, and no, I wouldn't like it. I'd ask him not to do that again and expect him to honor my wishes. Why do that when there were other beds ready and waiting?

PregnantSea Mon 18-Mar-19 02:45:39

I really can't imagine my DH sharing his bed with a make friend unless he really needed to... Still, I don't think this is a big deal as long as he changed the sheets. I wouldn't really care.

However it's as much your room as it is his so if you feel strongly about it then tell him that you're not ok with it so he can make sure it doesn't happen again.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-Mar-19 03:05:35

How did you "accidently" find out your husband shared your bed with his friend? I'm enormously curious.

strawberrisc Mon 18-Mar-19 03:17:43

I’m immensely curious as to what privacy he was invading. I’d love to rummage through your drawers.

steff13 Mon 18-Mar-19 03:22:15

Do people often drink/smoke/chat with their friends in bed? My friends and I usually sit on the couch. I would think it was odd if one of them suggested we get in her bed to do those things.

BlackCatSleeping Mon 18-Mar-19 03:45:16

The thing is, OP, it doesn’t matter what we think. You don’t like it, so just explain that to your gay husband.

WonderWorm Mon 18-Mar-19 04:04:14

Was it really a friend who slept in the bed or is it a cover?

Oneweekleft Mon 18-Mar-19 04:25:07

Considering there were other beds available YANBU and your dh should have at least changed the sheets.

TakenForSlanted Mon 18-Mar-19 04:40:59

I've shared beds with lots of female friends - and occasionally male ones before they all got married; death by furious wife isn't all that high on my listvof priorities - and still would.

What's more, back in the aftermath of the 2008 crash, my employer had a policy that non-executive level staff were to share hotel rooms with another employee of the same sex for a while. So not only have I shared a bed with friends, I've spent dozens of nights in one with complete strangers who, AFAIK, had nothing in common with me except the same employer. Amazingly enough, I'm still alive.

FWIW, the second example led to one of my colleagues and his best mate (they'd known each other since nursery, so not a simple work thing) sharing rooms until long after they'd been promoted to executive. Both married. Both decidedly heterosexual. They just liked the scout camp vibe of having a late night chat and no crying babies. grin

wotsittoyou Mon 18-Mar-19 05:07:07

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with friends sharing. But I gather that your AIBU is about whether he was wrong to allow somebody to sleep in your bed after you had made it clear to him that you didn't want this to happen. YANBU on this score. Your side of the bed belongs to you and nobody should sleep in it unless you let them. You don't need a big fancy reason - you can just say "That place on the bed is MINE and nobody sleeps there unless I say so!".

It isn't unreasonable to want one single private space in the world when it's possible for you to have it.

lboogy Mon 18-Mar-19 05:22:46

I wouldn't want anyone sleeping in my bed other than close family. Definitely not a friend. My DH would never share a bed with another man unless there was no where else to sleep. Did your DH explain why sleeping together was the first choice and not the last when you have other places he could have slept?

BarryTheKestrel Mon 18-Mar-19 05:52:21

I wouldn't have a problem with this. I'd trust that DH wouldn't allow friends who would consider rummaging around in my stuff as a suitable friend let alone bed sharer. Nothing on display in my room is of note.

Any given weekend morning if you happen to visit my DBro you are likely to find at least one of his mates in his bed. His girlfriend goes to visit a sick relative every Saturday and stays overnight so it's often free. Him and his friends are all on the same sporting team so are all far too comfortable with each other but are honestly the closet and strongest group of mates.

OP, you can't change it now. Tell DH you'd rather it doesn't happen in future and ask that he change the bed.

JenniferJareau Mon 18-Mar-19 05:56:00

I think it's very odd. There were other beds in other rooms made up he could have used so to sleep together in your room seems very strange to me.

Shoveitupyourbum Mon 18-Mar-19 05:56:51

I wouldn't like that either, op. I hate the thought of someone else in my bed

Wallywobbles Mon 18-Mar-19 05:58:26

No. Not in my bed. DH grew up sharing a bed with his bro. But I'm fairly sure it'd be his last choice now.

Mummaaon Mon 18-Mar-19 05:59:05

I find it uncomfortable- not that they shared a bed but that's you're private space, that's your intimate area - you have every right to be pissed x

HarrysOwl Mon 18-Mar-19 06:05:34

I'm a very private person.

But I really wouldn't care/mind and I definitely wouldn't be over thinking it like this.

And WTF at the posters chiming in with 'he must be gay/bisexual.' Of COURSE.

hmm

sailorsdelight Mon 18-Mar-19 06:08:01

I have shared beds with male and female friends over the years! We have also given up our bed on occasion to guests ( health/back issues) so I wouldn't be fussed but would get DH to change the sheets.

meow1989 Mon 18-Mar-19 06:10:18

It's odd because there were other beds available but I don't get the privacy issue really. My house is full of my stuff not just the bedroom. Youd hate my house as our living room is in the same floor as our master bedroom so if we have guests over and we're in the livingroom, they're very welcome to use the loo in our en suite rather than go up or down stairs.

GnomeDePlume Mon 18-Mar-19 06:17:26

The only time my DH would consider sleeping next to another man would be if he was stuck on a mountainside in high winds and freezing temperatures (even then he would check out rocks as likely sources of warmth).

Chatting and fell asleep? No, why would they be chatting in the bedroom?

All sounds decidedly odd to me.

megrichardson Mon 18-Mar-19 06:36:18

I would be livid! I don't want some random bloke's arse, pubes and BO rubbing on my side of the sheets all night. Nor do I want a bloke's dog-breath into my pillow. What a bloody cheek.

StealthPolarBear Mon 18-Mar-19 06:43:43

I'm with the people saying very odd smile DH went on a walking holiday with family and shared a room with his brother, he wasn't impressed when one night they had to share a bed! Maybe we're the strange ones.

StealthPolarBear Mon 18-Mar-19 06:44:42

Althouh in fairness it is about the sleeping with my DH for me. If you've ever stayed in a hotel you'll have had some man's dog breath in your pillow

anniehm Mon 18-Mar-19 06:46:44

It's culturally odd but my (female) friend has slept in my bed admittedly when there were no other spaces, in fact Dh has slept on the sofa and let her share with me in the past. Not sure why it's weird for men?

megrichardson Mon 18-Mar-19 06:46:51

Yes but I chose to go to a hotel and risk dog-breath pillow. One of the things I love about my bed is it's unsullied-ness (is that a word?)

And yes, it is odd too, the sleeping in the same bed thing.

StealthPolarBear Mon 18-Mar-19 06:47:39

Fair point! Sore point for me as we're about to air bnb sad

jellycatspyjamas Mon 18-Mar-19 06:50:04

This honestly wouldn’t bother me - it’s a bed, sheets can be changed and washed, I’m sure the men my husband is friends who th know what a bra, women’s knickers and moisturiser look like - and oddly enough I’m not embarrassed to admit I use things like bras.

I’d be more worried that DHs pants might be still on the floor than that his friend might be in my bedroom. I’m saying that, if my DH found a friend had fallen asleep in his bed he would most likely have gone to the spare room - leaving the friend in our room on their own. Which still would have been ok with me.

megrichardson Mon 18-Mar-19 06:51:03

LOL! Sorry @stealthpolarbear

flugelhorn81 Mon 18-Mar-19 06:51:26

Yeah I get it OP, it isn't about sharing a bed full stop - that wouldn't bother me - but sharing our bed would! And I don't think I'd share our bed with a female friend, I'd share the spare bed if anything.

AriadnePersephoneCloud Mon 18-Mar-19 06:51:46

I wouldn't care a bit, but I would ask DH to wash the bedding 😁

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Mon 18-Mar-19 06:52:08

Is your DH quite young? I remember at one point in the Ulster rugby rape case the defendants saying that it was not unusual for them to sleep in the same bed after a drunken night out and I wondered then whether this was just something men younger than my generation of men were more laid back about.

Most straight men of my generation that I know (I'm in my late 40s) would very much prefer not to share a bed with another bloke!

Purplecatshopaholic Mon 18-Mar-19 06:54:33

A bit odd I agree if there were other places to sleep. But they were probably pissed and it was convenient. Change the bedding and move on

Barrenfieldoffucks Mon 18-Mar-19 07:11:12

I wouldn't like it either. And would find it odd if there were other beds made up and ready.

The immortal MN catchphrase springs to mind...what if this was a woman we were talking about?

BlimeyCalmDown Mon 18-Mar-19 07:17:05

It's weird that he would sleep in your bed when there was a ready made up be available elsewhere. I'm sure it won't be happening again though (assuming you've made this clear to your DH).

I do share a bed with mates if staying over but would go to a spare bed if there was one.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Mon 18-Mar-19 07:21:18

Totally weird if other beds are available

YANBU

Gruzinkerbell1 Mon 18-Mar-19 07:25:06

It’s bloody weird considering there were other ready made beds available. Did DH forget you have a guest room?!

llangennith Mon 18-Mar-19 07:28:31

Your DH obviously thinks of it as his bedroom too, just as you think of it as yours.

gamerwidow Mon 18-Mar-19 07:34:17

This wouldn’t bother me I’d just change the bedding.
That’s irrelevant though because it does bother you and your DH knows that so it was selfish of him to do it knowing there were other options easily available.

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