AIBU over choice of godparents?(48 Posts)
Mamas, I need some outside perspective on a big dilemma.
My partner is from a very close family and has two sisters. One of them, who I'll call Sister 'A' and his mum, I have always had an amazing relationship with and genuinely love. They made me welcome into the family from the first day and we're very close.
The other, Sister 'B', there has always been problems with. She has just never liked me and has taken every opportunity over the years to undermine me, make me feel belittled and just generally be a spiteful person. The things she has done over the years would fill pages. I honestly feel like I've tried again and again to build bridges and support her when she's needed it but I've finally had to give up over the years and just accept that not everyone will like you.
After many years of being a bit hurt and confused, it's gotten to the point now where I just actively dislike her and avoid her as much as possible. She honestly makes my skin crawl. My partner is aware of this. He doesn't deny that she's been pretty spiteful sometimes but at the end of the day, she's still his sister and he loves her, and I respect that. So far we've rubbed along at family occasions etc.
Now, I understand this isn't everyone's preference but for me it's important to baptise my children and for them to have godparents.
When Sister 'A' (the lovely one) had her first child, we were asked to be godparents. For her second child, she asked the Sister B to be godmother. Then we had our first child, and we asked lovely Sister A and her partner. Sister B then had three children in very quick succession. For the first child, she asked Sister A to be godmother. For the second two, she asked my partner but not me. I must admit I was upset - we don't get on, but it I felt it was quite a public snub.
Partner was amazing and said he wouldnt do it if I didn't want him to as he didn't think it was great behaviour from her. Decided I couldn't let him do that, as he loves his sister, so he is godfather.
Now I've had my second child. Following the family 'pattern', it should be that Sister B is my LG's godmother. I violently don't want this. I can't stand the woman and I don't want to give her the honour. I actively dislike her and even though I appreciate its all just symbolic can't stand the thought of offering her.
She was bridesmaid at my wedding and she was so vile about it and toxic her behaviour cast a shadow over the day, so I really dont want her invoked in anything else.
In an ideal world I would be completely NC with her but for the fact I wouldn't ask that of my partner.
However, my partner feels we 'should' ask her, particularly as he is godfather to hers.
Should I give in to what he feels is the 'right' thing to do even though I really don't want to? It's really upsetting me.
@Glittertrauma not really OP, he is only stuck in the middle because he choses to be! He should of told her to grow up a long time ago!
A friend sounds much better! You have the perfect excuse in that she didn't ask you. The fact that she did ask your dh is irrelevant, you might as well suggest asking her dh and not her!
I think it matters what you consider the godparent role to be.
If it's just a symbolic thing, then I think it's fine to ask her.
However, if it's got a more significant role to you, then it's inappropriate.
So, in my view, it comes down to that.
I do understand your dilemma, though.
A godparent should be someone you foresee in your child's life who can provide help and guidance when they are older and who they develop a close relationship with. If she's that person go for it, if not rethink. There's no obligation about offering this to family.
No way would I have the nasty sister. She's made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
It's not unusual to have only person from a married couple as a godparent. We have DH's brother as godparent to one of our children, but not his wife. We have a friend as one of the godparents to DC2 but not her husband
as he's a bit of a tosser.
No no no no no.
What message does it send to your kids, that this woman hates you, is actively unpleasant, but their DF felt that it was still on to make her their godmother? The message I'd take from that is that how you're treated doesn't matter, and that's a horrendous message for a child to be given about their mother.
I'm sorry if it seems harsh, but it's high time your DH sorted his shit out and started backing you.
no way.godparent is something really symbolic.and if your choosing godparents this means you now how important the role is too.
you would give It to someone who is like a second guid in their life apart from you.you give that to someone you trust with your babies life and ur own and that will have all ur best wishes and theirs at heart always.
what will gtoewing up be like if the little one then older and older has a godparent that quite clearly actively dislikes their mum!this will show and might rub off if she is spiteful enough.
don't put it to your partner that you don't want his sis.put it that you really want one of the friends you mentioned.he should respect this.and if he doesn't and you need to discuss it then put all the point you have here to him and tell him you feel really uncomfortable putting repsonsiblilty of your child onto someone that doesn't like their mum!
ps not strange to have aunties as godparents.all ours are.
This isn't just about you returning favours and honouring a person. It's about choosing someone you actually trust and respect. Do not ask your SIL, she has been a vile and spiteful cow and very much sounds like someone you do not want your child to emulate. Also I'd be surprised if sil is expecting it given that she specifically didn't ask you to be godmother to any of hers. So just ask one of these close friends you mentioned. I wouldn't back down on this.
Personally I don't agree with family also being godparents.
I think you have to support your husband on this one I'm afraid. He wants his sister to be a godparent, you don't because you don't like her and she didn't pick you. Maybe this is a way of building bridges.
If you don't want her to be then just say no. She doesn't respect you at all. Just choose friends. Maybe she will get the hint that she's not been nice!
Ask your close friend instead. Definitely don't ask B as she'll use it. Godparent is a privileged role and can be influential.
If B questions it, easy reply is" B you made it obvious over the years how much you dislike Glitter so we can't have you as a godparent"
I would stick you what you want. It's not like you have just had a little disagreement.
If DH and I have children, we will likely be in a similar position. DH's sister and I are barely polite to each other and I would do anything to ensure she is not a godparent to my children. Trouble is, she's a vicar, so on paper she is the most ideal person for the role!
However she did our wedding ceremony and tried to take over the whole day and she will be doing the baptism too, so I am hopeful that that means we don't have to have her as a godparent (and we can choose DH's brother and wife instead!)
Choose someone else. First set of godparents came from oh's side, the second set of godparents can come from your side. There's nothing unreasonable about that even if sister b was nice!
I would choose your friend, and use the "first set of godparents from DH's family, second set was my choice".
YANBU, would she even want to be your child's godparent?
I would ask a non family member ideally someone who is actually religious! They are aunts already. It's a great way of formalising a relationship with a close friend.
I would have the same as your first child, but then again I don’t know what the bible says about it.
DH chose the first set, you should get to choose the second.
No way in hell would I choose a godparent who actively dislikes me & likes to cause drama around it. Stick to your guns
Choose your close friend to be godparent - not this SIL who hates you and could also use the fact that she's godmother against you or your child in the future.
Also you compromised with your husband, when he was asked to be godparent without you. Time for him to put you first and listen to/compromise in your favour.
What a mind field- stick to your guns OP.
Ask sister A again. Its your child your choice. If she makes a comment just say you have 3 of your own to look after and with your clear dislike of me if something ever happened i dread my child being raised with your constant mocking.
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