To worry about how DH cares for our newborn?(127 Posts)
NC for this...love DH and we’ve just had our first DC. DH obviously loves her too. But it seems he just doesn’t know how to act with babies and I find it difficult, now it even seems DD (4 mos) has a preference for me, which I suspect makes DH feel a bit rubbish.
- DD wakes from a nap crying. DH says “shush shush shush” as if he’s annoyed with her, almost scolding if that makes sense. (I would walk over and gently say her name, etc)
- DD loves to smile and coo, but he thinks it’s funny to go in her face and just make a solid stone face or make a scary noise, she doesn’t generally react well, ether stares and seems confused or will fuss a bit if he says “boo”. (I will just smile and coo and laugh with her, if she cries or may be pulls my hair I will say oh you feel sad or ouch that hurts mummy, but try to make my communication more clear with her if that makes sense)
- If she cries he will just rock her and shush her even if she is getting louder and more upset (I will try something else to see if I can help the crying)
- if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
- she’s been up for a couple hours and is starting to show signs of being tired (small tired cry, rubbing eyes) and he’ll start bouncing around with her and getting her more alert (I will say alright, you’re tired and start speaking more softly, stop playing, etc)
- she will wake up for the day and he will pick her up and start singing loud songs in her face (Children’s songs like ity but spider) and she’s still bleary eyed from the night, seems overwhelmed by him/singing. Then she yawns and he says oh she’s tired, and starts rocking and shushing her trying to get her back to sleep - of course ten she cries and is difficult to settle so I have to get her sorted
This is our first DC so I’m not sure if I’m being precious. I’ve had a bit of experience with babies but DH hasn’t had any and obviously I’m not an expert but I don’t know if the way he interacts is normal for FTDs.
He’s a new father and he sounds like he’s trying really hard to care for his child. And so do I you.
I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
Sorry but that made me snort!
He isn’t doing anything wrong, quite the opposite. Nothing concerning!
And you are being precious about poos..negative associations?!
Sorry but he's new to the game, it all sounds as if he's trying very hard.
* if she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body*
Sorry, you what?!
You’re being precious. He’s doing his own thing. It may not be what you’d do but that’s ok
Im sorry i don't have any advice really but you sound like a wonderful mother and it sounds like your partner is trying his best x
You need to stop negatively comparing his parenting to yours. You're both new to this and both still learning.
You are probably on maternity leave so get to spend a lot of time with your DD whereas your DH will be at work and not get as much time with her.
You have had time to work things out, he hasn't yet. Have you talked to him in a positive way to say I find that when she does X, Y will often help rather than telling him he is doing it wrong
When she’s having a poo he says it’s gross. I encourage her and smile so she doesn’t have negative associations with poos or her body
She’s 4 months old. You might want to save that till she’s a bit older...
Your h sounds a bit clueless, but he won’t learn if he doesn’t practise looking after her... but i’d say to him, ‘Look, she’s tired, how about you cuddle her then put her down? She’s too tired for playing’
Sounds like he doesn’t know her cues well enough.
You are both doing it well. You seem to put a big emphasis on the "softly" approach. I think you are just protective (normal) but need to let him do things his way too. He's doing just as well as you are.
As for the question, yes, I think you are being a bit precious. And the poo thing is odd! Don't bother about that anymore
He's not picking up on her cues, it's mismatched? Sometimes that skill just isn't innate and has to be learnt. Keep modelling being in tune with her and he may follow. Luckily she only needs you to have a secure attachment with
You do sound a little bit precious, sorry.
We have three DC, the third is 9 weeks old. DH does a lot of things differently to me, and has done with all the DC. Sometimes I am itching to tell him my way is better, but I don’t. Unless what he’s doing is dangerous, you have to leave him to find his feet with her. She’s not going to be harmed in any way by him telling her that her poo is gross, honestly.
I also have a 4mth old & my DH works away, so when he's home he doesn't necessarily know my current routine & does various things very differently to how I would. I do, however, bite my tongue - our baby is as much his child & he has every right to do things the way he sees fit. I'm the one on leave & I think the transition from full time job to full time mother has been hard to navigate - as my entire day is focussed on our baby - but I really try to resist ever urge to mirco manage. I'm hoping my DH will do a weekend class with just him & our baby, so he can be solely responsible for a while without me hovering & I can learn to let go! Might similar work for you?
The stony face thing sounds a bit weird but maybe it's just the way you make it sound like he is trying to frighten her. You do sound a bit precious I'm afraid, you say he says the poo is gross is he changing her? If so nothing to worry about.
OP, I had exactly the same with DH and DD1. It was very frustrating and I used to feel really sorry for DD and try to jump in and ‘save her’ incase his loud, badly timed singing or excitable games damaged her tiny little emotions. Now with some time (abs sleep) a d perspective, I just realise she was lucky to have a parent who loved her and was interested and trying to spend time with her, even if clumsily done.
So I completely understand where you are coming from, but unless she gets very distressed try and grin and bear it.
I’m clearly an appalling mum, when my 4 month old poos I call her a stinky little squidge when I take her off to change her! I think your DH is doing fine.
You should stop comparing your parenting to his, he sounds like he is involved and doing his best
Yes I reckon he might be more rough with her as he sees me being more soft? Is it really so odd about the poos?
I have tried saying “she seems tired maybe time for a cuddle and sleep” but he takes offense and thinks I’m telling him how to do everything (But I keep quiet, don’t say these things to him.) Is it possible we are just incompatible parents or is this common for new mum and dad?
You need to let him bond - yes, he’s missing a lot of cues but just help him - then leave him to it. It’s always a bit of a learning curve when they are babies but if they form their own relationship it’ll be great when she’s old enough to communicate properly.
He does sound like he's less in tune with DD than you are but he loves her and he's trying. The baby stage is actually fairly short (when you look back at the time it went on for ever). Soon she'll be a toddler running around and his interactions will naturally fit her development more.
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