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MIL and wedding

(290 Posts)
tartantrewsweddingblues Sun 17-Mar-19 20:27:18

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

tartantrewsweddingblues Sun 17-Mar-19 20:28:19

I should also add that MIL also helped BIL and SIL with their wedding as it was expensive and they needed help to pay it.

hidinginthenightgarden Sun 17-Mar-19 20:29:12

It is strange yes. If you don't need to move then just don't take the money. Is she critical of where you live?

Chocolate35 Sun 17-Mar-19 20:30:15

Yes I find it ridiculous. My mum always says that you do treat your children differently because they are different with different circumstances. Great gift for your BIL, totally pointless for you if you’re happily settled with no plans to move.

Middlrm Sun 17-Mar-19 20:30:15

Say nothing ... just encase you ever want to
Love ... but yes a bit odd to be honest ... is your house mortgaged or rented as only thing I can see is she is saying she will help with deposit costs for a house if you wanted to buy ... if you already have a mortgage not a clue x x

broadstairs Sun 17-Mar-19 20:30:32

Why does she want you to move?

Regardless of any bribe or payment to do so (ignore it, it’s not a gift) she wants you to move and I would ask her outright why.

tartantrewsweddingblues Sun 17-Mar-19 20:31:12

We live in a lovely neighbourhood.

I think DP feels a bit letdown that his mum helped his brother and gifted him money to the tune of about £16,000 and he’ll be lucky if he gets a card.

tartantrewsweddingblues Sun 17-Mar-19 20:32:56

Our house is bought.

I get you might treat children differently but to give one £10k plus almost £6k in hand outs to pay for the wedding and give your other son zilch is wrong to me.

I have two children and I could never do that to them.

Handsfull13 Sun 17-Mar-19 20:34:23

Just tell her thank you but you aren't planning on moving but you'll keep it in mind if you do decide to move.

If your future hubby is feeling cheeky he could ask her if she's totalled up how much she gave Bil for his wedding so she can be fair towards yours.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 17-Mar-19 20:35:20

Do you think you'll ever more house? What are her reasons behind it?

My opinion is that if I gave someone a substantial amount of money, I would rather it go towards an investment instead of something that just gets spent on an experience like a wedding. I'd rather give my children some money towards a house or a qualification rather than getting married. It seems like she wants to make things fair for her children but ignoring the fact they don't have identical circumstances?

Would she consider giving it to you if / when you wanted to invest in your property e.g. buy a second property, extend your current property, convert a loft, put in an en suite etc as this would add value to your house

Thestral Sun 17-Mar-19 20:35:22

How odd.

What's her motivation, do you think? Is she critical of where you live?

sollyfromsurrey Sun 17-Mar-19 20:36:57

just get DH to tell her that you have no plans to move house but that you really appreciate her gifting the same to your DH and tell her you could do with it now.

tartantrewsweddingblues Sun 17-Mar-19 20:41:05

Even my parents have been a bit perplexed. I can’t imagine giving someone a gift with strings attached.

In the town we live in we live in one of the nicest neighbourhoods so if she critical then I don’t know why.

CSIblonde Sun 17-Mar-19 20:42:56

IME money from relatives always, always has strings attached even if not spelt out like this. Money gives you power & control, that's why it's so often an abusive manipulation tool. She probably thinks you should live somewhere 'better' or closer & will expect a key & say in large purchases for it etc or even to househunt with you & have a say there too. Don't take it, don't move.

ivykaty44 Sun 17-Mar-19 20:46:07

I gave my dd1 some money at the end of December for a life event. When that same life events happens I’ll give dd2 some money + inflation.

I won’t be giving dd2 that money until the event in her life... that’s just how it is

AlocAcoc Sun 17-Mar-19 20:47:25

It will probably cost you more than £10k to move anyway

perfectstorm Sun 17-Mar-19 20:53:07

Does seem a bit nuts. Can understand helping one child on to the property ladder if the others are older, more settled, and well off. But if offering to extend equal help, why not just offer to pay down your mortgage to that amount? Don't get this one at all, and can see why you feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Apart from anything else, as has been said, the costs of moving and buying would wipe most of it out. Would be far saner to just knock it off the existing debt.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 17-Mar-19 20:53:42

She wants to be able to say 'I helped them buy the house, of course...'

Just control.

burnoutbabe Sun 17-Mar-19 20:54:55

why won't she give you same amount on condition you pay it off the mortgage? Then its not wasted at all.

BackforGood Sun 17-Mar-19 20:55:34

Did she help, when you bought the house you live in ?

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets Sun 17-Mar-19 20:56:15

Maybe you’ll move someday? And then she’ll give it to you? I’m kind of clutching at straws there. Could she anticipate that you’ll outgrow your home soon? It’s weird of your MIL to offer this gift in this way. It’s also a bit strange that your DF initially told you you were getting the same, then added that you have to move to get it. Is DF planning to move in order to get the money?

dragonsfire Sun 17-Mar-19 20:57:55

I feel your pain my FIL didn’t even give us a card - both SIL got money. I was abit upset not that I wanted the money just the gesture would be nice.

My DH says it’s coz FIL is traditional so will want to give towards daughters weddings but my Dad died when I was young so not like he could have contributed and we paid for it ourselves!

I haven’t pressed it tho I don’t want it if have to ask! Might just have to let it go, shit as it is.

Xyzzzzz Sun 17-Mar-19 20:57:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I don’t get why your MIL is being so controlling. Has she always been like this?

NoooorthonerMum Sun 17-Mar-19 20:58:50

I can kind of understand her wanting to contribute to something permanent like a house rather than a wedding but it's odd to insist that it can only be used in a house move. Couldn't she offer it to invest in your current home or set up a savings account for DC's education or something?

Whereareyouspot Sun 17-Mar-19 20:59:08

Hmm @ivykaty44 see just like the OPs MIL I find that a bit odd

My parents helped DH and I out in a fairly big way some years back when we really needed help. They gave my brother and sister exactly the same amount. Neither of them had the same issue and neither ‘needed’ it (in fact one was extremely wealthy) but my parents felt strongly that do for one do for all and I have huge respect for them for that.

Who knows if your dd2 may not have the same life event or if she does maybe you won’t be in a position to help or even around?

OP your MIL is being really odd. She may not realise quite how odd but I think your DH has to say mum we have a nice house and we aren’t moving and so looks like you won’t be helping us out at all.

Just mentally move ok. It’s money you never had so you haven’t really lost it.

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