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None of the men I love appreciate how abused I've been...

(17 Posts)
tippytoez Sun 17-Mar-19 13:02:21

I recently split up with my ex. He was abusive towards me emotionally and financially. I'm working with WA and HV and solicitor has told me to stay away from him.

My mum is supportive and thinks I'm safest and best staying away until it goes through court. Same with my female friends. My dad and my brother however think I need to meet in the middle with him and sort an amicable plan. He's not amicable and is making unrealistic demands of me. I'm scared of him and his reactions and don't want to be in the same room as him. He's ruined my self esteem and is nice when I do what he wants. If I say no he starts being rude and sarcastic towards me.

I've told my dad and brother this and they both seem to turn their noses up at the idea of me using the word 'abuse' - apparently I should be letting him see his son above all else. I should just 'roll with it'. They don't understand what he's done to me. My dad even said 'well you did get to the point of having a baby with him so he can't have always been this bad'. I'm really shocked. They're usually my go to people for advice but their views on emotional abuse are odd to me. They're both incredibly intelligent and both work with people.

AIBU to be upset? I feel they're judging me for running away from my EA ex...

Margorystewartbaxter Sun 17-Mar-19 13:05:33

My experience is much the same. 'Abusive? No! He liked football and having a nice pint and other manly pursuits!'

I feel it's because the apologist narrative for male behaviour is so deeply engrained that they can't see the wood for the trees. They don't like a mirror held up 💁🏻‍♀️

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 17-Mar-19 13:14:11

Abusers are always charming, that’s the way they get away with it.

It comes a point that it is more difficult and painful to try to convince them to see things from your perspective than moving on without their support.

You do not need to justify yourself OP, if your brother and dad do not believe you, just stop talking to them about the issues, trying to convince them will only make you feel more vulnerable and demoralised and at this time you need to save your strength to fight your corner with your ex not with unsupportive people who have no idea.

MatildaTheCat Sun 17-Mar-19 13:17:12

Stick with stock phrases such as, ‘I’m taking the advice of the professionals on how to approach this, thanks.’

And maybe get some reading material on coercive control for them to read.

Best wishes and congratulations on leaving.

tippytoez Sun 17-Mar-19 13:24:14

I'm finding it all really upsetting. I'm almost losing respect for them a little. It's so sad. I feel incredibly judged by both of them.

awesmum Sun 17-Mar-19 13:32:14

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who don't understand/ see this abuse. You know what you went through, you know how hard it is, that is enough.
Matildathecat has great advice. Get yourself a stick phrase and use it whenever it's brought up'I am leaving to the professionals to deal with.' If they argue you know you're doing the right thing, you aren't being driven by your emotions and feelings your doing what is right.

This is a really tough time for you, you can do this, take care of yourself, don't worry about justifying or arguing with anyone else you need your energy to fight your ex.

Sparklesocks Sun 17-Mar-19 13:50:35

I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP and that they aren’t providing support for you. The fact is abusers aren’t open monsters on the fringes of society, they are our colleagues, our acquaintances and sometimes even our families and friends. They wear one face for the world and another for their victims. Well done for being so strong flowers

Northernparent68 Sun 17-Mar-19 15:29:07

Your ex is likely to be granted access so why not let him see his son ? If you do nt want to see him, your brother and father can do the hand overs,

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 17-Mar-19 16:17:34

True, but we do not know how old are the kid or kids and whether is a good idea for them to spend some unsupervised time with their dad at this time.

Bug I agree that at least some supervised contact should be allowed, otherwise the court falls on you like a pile of bricks. Nothing can get you in a worse position than be perceived as “withouldung contact”.

tippytoez Sun 17-Mar-19 16:44:48

My brother and father don't live in the same city as me. My son is only 5 months old so I would have to be there too as he is breast fed. It's all a huge mess. Believe it or not I actually want him to have access to his son!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 17-Mar-19 18:09:37

To be honest, at that age I don’t think you could just hand the baby for unsupervised contact. Even a court would be suggesting short supervised visits while he is breastfed.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Sun 17-Mar-19 18:21:03

Every time they give you their frankly awful and possibly dangerous advice, tell them that professionals including your solicitor and domestic abuse workers tell you differently. And keep telling them that.

I get it, it does hurt. For me what was shocking and hurtful wasn’t that men said such things but women. Not close friends or family of mine but other people. Ex’s male friends mostly agreed that “there’s no smoke without fire, yousayvodka isn’t in a refuge for no reason” (ex told them not me, wanting sympathy from people no doubt) but his females friends came up with all sorts of absurd allegations and and excuses for his behaviour. They were blocked and erased from my life then and there. It’s a cliche but times like this you really find out who your real friends are.

bridgetreilly Sun 17-Mar-19 18:26:24

Your ex is likely to be granted access so why not let him see his son ?

Not necessarily, depending on the kind of abuse and whether the son was also a victim of it.

OP, stick to your guns, don't listen to your father and brother, and do keep working with the professionals.

picklemepopcorn Sun 17-Mar-19 18:37:02

Try and work out some stock phrases. Then repeat them every time they argue with or doubt your perspective.

"I'm really sad you choose not to believe me"

I'm shocked you want me to let that man continue to control and abuse me.

I'm disappointed you want me to let that man bully me.

It's terrible that the two important men in my life trust the man who abused me more than they do me.

I'm following expert advice from people who actually care enough to listen to what I have told them, unlike you.

You want to pander to a random man, instead of protecting me? Thanks.

Northernparent68 Sun 17-Mar-19 19:38:07

Bridgetreiily, the op said emotionally and financial abuse, that isn’t enough to stop a child seeing his father.

CSIblonde Sun 17-Mar-19 20:09:35

The thing about situations like yours is some friends or relatives either just don't get it (lack of emotional intelligence even if they are academically clever is not uncommon) or, they actually prefer the status quo with you as victim as that suited them or their own agenda. So they miminmise what's gone on & fight change.Don't let it get to you just change the subject & do what's best for you.

Magenta82 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:12:45

I'm sorry you're going through this, you shouldn't have to deal with this kind of attitude, could maybe someone else have a word with them? Maybe your mum could set them straight?

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